Boyfriend with Aspergers?

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My boyfriend (I'll just call him skeet) and I have been dating for a year and a half, but a month and a half ago we broke up & his reason was that his "family made him realize he isn't happy." I honestly really love the guy and it always felt like he loved me too. However, during our breakup and after reflecting on our relationship, there were some things too unusual too ignore. I remember briefly learning about Aspergers in a psychology class, but for whatever reason the term popped in my head one day and after doing some research online, my boyfriend exhibited almost all of the symptoms to a T.

A little background though... I am his first girlfriend. When we met, he was just about to turn 21. We are the same age but I am a few months older. I thought it was unusual that he never had a girlfriend because he is SO handsome. He dressed well and seemed like a hard worker. I never saw the no girlfriend thing as weird at first, I was actually pretty happy that he didn't... it meant no baggage! And I've definitely had my share of ex-girlfriend drama in my past relationships. On top of that, I felt lucky that someone as cool and handsome as him would choose someone like me!

Anyways, we met through a friend. I was supposed to meet one of my friends during a break for lunch and Skeet was already with the friend I was meeting so we all grabbed lunch together. The three of us met almost every Wednesday for lunch and sometimes joined other people at the table in the dining hall too. Skeet would hardly ever say anything and when he did talk it was just a short sentence or two. One day, just me & skeet walked to class together because it was in the same building and we started talking about the architecture of buildings around campus and started totally rambling about the buildings, how they were built and I was shocked because I hadn't ever heard him talk that much! I didn't say a word, but he rambled on and on about the architecture.. and I thought it was cute how nerdy he was about the buildings. One day the three of us went drinking together and it was the most I've heard Skeet talk. He was funny and I felt like we really connected... we had lots to talk about, which is weird because for the past couple of weeks at lunch I hadn't heard him talk about anything except architecture!

A couple weeks later he texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a baseball game with a group of friends. I went. And after about a month after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend I was so shocked because I didn't even know he was into me. We did hangout a couple of times after that first baseball game but it was always with a group of people, and we did kiss... but I made the first move & we had been drinking. But he didn't flirt or sweet talk me or ask me out on a one on one date. Actually, our first real "date" with just the two of us was the same night that he asked me to be his girlfriend!

The first few months were fine, in fact they were really good. I was surprised how good he was being a boyfriend considering he never had been one before! He had however, lied about the fact that he was a virgin. He told me he wasn't & when I told him I wanted to wait a little before having sex, he told me that "no one had ever made him wait that long before" which at the time, made me feel like i would lose him if I didn't have sex with him! So a couple days later, we did. But once we started, something was weird. I asked him whats wrong, and he told me "it's my first time"... I was upset, but not as much as I should have been at the time...

About a month later, we got into our first big argument. We had gone out to a bar that a lot of people go to one night and it was packed because a lot of people were home from college. Throughout the night I was constantly bumping into people and talking to friends I haven't seen in a long time and as the night went on I noticed that I couldn't find Skeet. After calling him about 50 times he texted me saying that he got picked up by his brother. He left me without even saying anything! I was so mad and the next day when I spoke to him about why he just left he said that I kept "running away from him" and "doing my own thing". I tried explaining that I get excited when I see my friends and I wasn't running away at all but it turned into a huge fight. On top of that, later when things settled down, I looked through text messages from his mom & she was coaching him on what to say to me! Stuff like "if you want her to take his seriously then don't give in and text her, good boy" I was so baffled that at his age, he was asking his mom what he should say to his girlfriend! A little background on this family... his mom is a stay at home mom who is married to her high school sweetheart. She is very rough when she talks, she requires Skeet to still have a curfew, still get grounded and sometimes tell him he simply just can't go out because he's been going out too much, which has caused skeet to cancel on me MANY times (another cause of our arguments). Skeet's brother is 4 years older than us and has had only one girlfriend, whom he dated for 13 years. They broke up because she was tired of waiting for him to propose and she is now dating someone else.

Throughout our whole year and a half of dating we would probably fight every month. Not just bickering, but huge blown up fights. And when we'd fight, he would run away.. like literally RUN away from me and break up with me every single time & then after he cooled down would tell me he was sorry and he didn't mean it that he wanted to break up. During fights he sometimes acted like a child throwing a tantrum, swearing and sometimes crying. But these fights were always over something so unusual. For example, when we were out drinking with friends having a good time, we were all joking and having a good time and I said something about his mom in a total light context, which I thought he could tell but later on that night on our way home we got into a huge fight about what I said and he replied with "try saying that to her face" yelling and screaming at me. What I said wasn't even mean... so I wasn't even sure why he was so mad. Many fights started because he was upset at something I said or how I said something and even after trying to explain that I only say certain things to him because i'm comfortable around him & I wouldn't just say things to other people I don't know, he just got mad so often at things I would say.

I'm very social and I really enjoy parties, events and sometimes clubbing. I'm not like typical people my age where thats all i want to do every weekend, but I do enjoy going out sometimes and really wanted to experience doing those kinds of things with Skeet but he said that he hated clubs. Even when we'd do things, he'd always say he couldn't stay out the whole day even if it was just going to the beach. I could never look forward to spending the whole weekend together because he would say that his parents wouldn't let him or he needed to go home to "Recharge". I didn't understand why he didn't want to just spend as much time with me as we could and would get offended when we would say that he needs to just be in his own home and bed to relax.

Often times he would think of the worst possible scenario in his head, worry about it and actually think its a problem! Or sometimes twist the story of how it actually happened to make me the bad guy! For example, we were supposed to spend the weekend with his family at a hotel and a couple days before the weekend, he told me that his professor assigned a last minute assignment and he needed to work the whole weekend. Months later, maybe even a year later when the situation was brought up during an argument, he said that I cancelled that weekend and even though I KNOW he was working that weekend he says that he actually WENT! He said he remembers going which is so scary because I know that he didn't! SO many times he would say something happened when they really didn't.

Like I said, he would cancel on me a lot... and he never even felt bad about it. Whenever we'd fight and I'd cry he wouldn't do anything to comfort me. When I tell him about stressful days or problems he wouldn't offer any advice and he even told me once that "at least I don't just b***h and complain every time something bothers me like you do". He would hardly share ANYTHING with me, and many times just hold in his anger and explode later on. For me, I tell him when something he does bothers me. I was going through really tough medical problems at one point & was in a bad mood about the news that I received. It was fourth of July and we had a really good day planned with each other so I didn't want to tell Skeet about the news. However, I couldn't control my emotions & upset over something really stupid. I realized my attitude was totally wrong & I was actually upset about the news I got.. not at Skeet. However, Skeet cancelled all of our plans so I decided to tell him about the news because I knew I got mad over something so little... but when I told skeet, he replied with "is that all you have to say? Cause I have to go". Later he told me that he thought I was lying just so that I could get my way. He went as far as to say I was just trying to manipulate him and making up stories which really hurt me. Anytime we'd get into a fight, he could never see how HIS actions contributed to the problem or WHY I would be upset over something he didn't think was a big deal.

What really baffled me was when during our breakup he said that "he doesn't even know why I chose him because he's nothing like people i've dated before" and I told him people I dated before have nothing to do with anything and the reason why I chose him was because I thought about it once and if were to get married & for whatever reason our circumstances led us to living in a box, I think everything would be ok as long as we're together. His response to that was "That is so insulting I would never end up on the streets"....

His mother is very controlling, like I mentioned he would go to her and tell her everything and she would coach him on what to say. After only a few months into our relationship I read a text from his mom saying "I don't want you think I hate her but she's the only person that can't get close to our family"... which doesn't even make sense because Skeet hasn't even had a girlfriend before AND his brother only had one girlfriend who was around for 13 years! Skeet also shared with me that when he was younger, the school told his parents that he should be in special education. I asked why they thought that & he said they thought he had a problem because he didn't talk. He also said that he was tested for ADD/ADHD but said that he wasn't, but he was dyslexic. He can read fine now though. Anyways, his mother refused to put him in special ed so he went to school like normal, but had to be placed in the classes with extra help. This always was a little funny to me because the Skeet I knew didn't seem like he would need to be in special education at all! He's an architect major and got fairly good grades.

He doesn't have many friends and while we were together he didn't hang with his friends at all. I can count maybe 5 friends that he "hung" with since high school and one of them is his brother. I have many friends but when we were fighting during our breakup he said that all of my friends looked at him like he was different and treated him like a joke which is not true at all... I know that my friends have always welcomed him some of them would even ask HIM to hangout!

After piecing all of the puzzles together from his past and his behaviors in our relationship I couldn't help but wonder if what he really has is Aspergers? I also read that a symptom is blank or weird expressions and a monotone voice. He has a very low distinctive monotone voice, but it was weird because any time me and him were together his voice was a little higher.. it sounded normal, same when he was around his family. But around his friends or other people, it would be very low and monotone and slow. He never had a problem saying "i love you" though, he would tell me maybe 50 times a day... kind of like a middle schooler relationship. He always complimented me too, so those things don't align with symptoms either.

If he really does have Asperger's then does empathizing and realizing how is actions affect me ever get better? He's honestly a really sweet guy when we're not fighting, but we fight so much because he interprets almost everything I say wrong. I want to know if anyone else in a relationship that has Asperger's thinks thats what this is? Should I try to reconcile and get him back?

As a person who has AS and is familiar with the symptoms your boyfriend is exhibiting, I would say that he might have it. Do you know if he's been officially diagnosed with it?

Like your boyfriend, I have never had a girlfriend either, but what I would do if I were in your shoes is this: I would call or text him, ask how he is, let him know that you still love and care for him despite what happened, and emphasize to him that you want to help him. Tell him that whatever is wrong can be fixed, that you see a lot of good in him and still feel that he's a great guy. Be positive and understanding with him. It may be, that if he has AS or a form of autism, that he's overwhelmed by the limits of his condition, which can lead to moodiness and even depression (from my personal experience). I would say that he's relying on his mother so much because he's afraid of accidentally hurting or insulting you. Let him know that that isn't the case at all and tell him that he's a good person and that you want to help him with whatever is wrong. Hopefully you being positive and caring toward him will make him realize how good you are and he'll accept your offer of help.

You sound like you really care about him and it's good and commendable that you're reaching out for help, but he has to be willing to want to work with you and want your help. If he can't or doesn't want to, then I would look for someone else. There's always a nugget of good that can be found in everyone if you dig deep enough. I wish you the best of luck!

You can let him know you still care for him, but I think you need to establish ground rules. You can't tell him that he's not at fault at all. He did some terrible things, and you don't want those things to keep happening, right? That means he needs to shape up. Having Aspergers doesn't mean he can't change. What it may affect is how he justifies his actions, and what you've got to do is let him know that what he does is not okay to you, no matter what justification he has for his actions. Let him know specifically what things you disapproved of in the relationship, because a general 'treat me better' will not work, most likely.

In terms of him misconstruing things you say - use more precise language when talking. If he still extrapolates the wrong meaning from what you say, then lead him through the logical steps as to why what he thought you said is not true. Don't just say "Of course I wouldn't mean that!" but justify it. If he persists in his viewpoint, then what he is doing is 1) judging you, 2) not trusting you, 3) not listening to you. Now those qualities don't sound very good to my point of view.

In my opinion I think he needs to know what he did wrong and why. It'll come off better if you admit to some things being your fault too, but don't let him turn it into a game where he makes you the bad guy. Either way, whether you get back together or not, having this conversation as to why things ended and what he'd need to change for you to consider getting back together with him would help him - whether with you or with another partner in the future.

I feel u girl!

I dated a guy without k'owing he had Asperger. "Cute and nerdy" applies very well to my ex. He was fun'y in his own way, a walking encyclopedia, socially clumsy and never knows what and when to say what.

I relied all that to his difficult upbringing. His father was tough, mother wasn't there. I felt he was my "baby" for some reason. Very slowly we became good friends. He became so attached to me and so did i.

Every now and then he would shock me with a mean comment with a big smile on his face!
I couldn't understand how could he say such a thing and smile at the same time. I knew he had a heart of gold so i decided to get over those silly cold comments.
Touching was a bit weird.. But i realized then that he didn't have much of an experience which is fine.

We talked about getting married. But something was not right!
I remember once i was going through a tough situation, i was talking to him on the phone. He suggested several excellent solutions but not a single comforting word. I thanked him for trying to help me and told him that a few nice words would will make me feel better. He then said i believe those comforting words are a waste of time! Then he said to me : you can get moral support from your friends!! !

I was totally shocked!!

Later on i broke up with him after he said a very hurting comment. he apologized repeatedly saying that I shouldn't take what he says for real because he is bad with words.

I tried.. But I couldn't. I felt that i will be hurt more in the future, there is a limit to my patience and understanding..
I broke up with him. It was very hard on me and him.
I felt like abandoning my baby!

After that we tried again. But he refused to talk about what happened. He escapes real confrontations. At that time I couldn't understand why.

2 months ago i started reading about Asperger and everything became clear.

I also realized that my father has it too. Which might explain why my parents divorced and why we grew up feeling that our father was not interested in us. After my parents divorced my father became mean! My mother said he was never mean she believes that he's been taking advices from his mother and brother who advised him to take the kids (us) from my mother.. To do this and do that! It seems like he trusted them more than trusting his own mind. He ended up hurting his own kids!

I feel relieved. I'm trying to fix my relationship with my father and accept him the way he is.

But I'm not sure if i should marry someone with Asperger. I miss my ex boyfriend so much! I miss him every single day despite everything. I do!

But im afraid of not being able to continue in the middle of our journey. Im afraid of feeling that my needs are not fulfilled. To be married and yet feel lonely. To wish to be with someone else for example! I dont want to put any of us in such a frustrating relationship

Who knows maybe things could work.. But i realize that it will take a lot of time and effort from both parties. A lot of frustrations a lot of work!

What ever ur decision will be Stay or leave.. Just try to educate yourself before deciding. read about it. Read Tony Attwood book. Read "Look me in the eye" . Watch a movie called "Adam"

May u find your peace of mind
Wish u all the best

Then it's technically true that noöne had ever made him wait that long before.



I'm much older than both of you and still get that kind of stuff, only mitigated by the fact that I essentially never go out. It's not like I'd ask either of my parents what to say to a hypothetical girlfriend, but they wouldn't refrain from telling me what to do. They have a right to their opinion, and the least I can do is listen to it, for hours at a time if needed, whether I like it or not---which is the latter. This is certainly a huge red flag. It wouldn't happen to someone willing to tell them to go to hell and able to afford it. I've never bothered to try and make this pathetic situation compatible with having a girlfriend, because it'd be ridiculous, as well as unfair to her.



I can relate a bit to that. I know other people, when they get angry, are extremely dangerous, because they aren't afraid to do anything it takes to put me in my place or eliminate whatever threat they might have seen in me, while I couldn't do the same in a million years. The only reason someone can be afraid of me, in fact, is that they don't know what a spineless piece of crap I really am, unable to fight back if they decide to have some fun at my expense. Of course, I don't exactly help them discover the truth, because I'd be just inviting them to abuse me.

He is 22 and his mom tells him what to say to girls. This is pathetic.
My parents also coached me like that when I was 16, but now I know this should never be done as it discourages the young person from developing his own skills naturally.

He hasn't been formally diagnosed, but I think I mentioned that when he was in elementary school, his parents were told that he should be in special education. They thought that something was wrong with him because he wouldn't talk. He doesn't have any mental disabilities now though, he's in college & does well in school... so I was thinking that because Asperger's wasn't something that many people have heard about at the time when we were in elementary school.

I have done nothing but try to be really nice to him. Actually a few weeks after we broke up, his grandfather passed away & I tried texting him & calling him to see if he's okay. He's just been really mean to me, and constantly pushing me away because he's so upset about so many situations & thinks everything is my fault but if he took a second to think about my side of things then he probably wouldn't even be mad! Its hard to explain.. but its just, I know both of us are "wrong" in certain ways, and i've admitted on how I can change certain things but he doesn't think anything he does is wrong. he won't even TRY to see things from my perspective.

I know I'm not perfect but the problems we had were never serious moral issues like cheating or abuse or anything! one of his main reasons for breaking up with me was because I'm not "one with his family" which doesn't even make sense to me..and I know that its his mom thats telling him that kind of stuff because I read a text from her only a couple of months into our relationship saying that she "feels like I'm the only person that can't get close to their family" which doesn't make sense because skeet hasn't had a girlfriend before, and their family doesn't have many friends in general! My mom will always go out with her girlfriends, dinners, lunches or shopping but throughout the whole time we were dating I have never heard of his mom going out at all. His parents don't go to any events or parties unless their for family stuff.

I just wanted answers. If he has asperges's then at least i'd have an explanation for his behaviors & thought processes & i could work on being better suited for him..

Whenever i realize that there has been a misunderstanding, & that he totally has misinterpreted something that I said, I'll go through great lengths to try & calmly talk things out & explain it to him. But usually, he won't even listen or saying things like "i'm just manipulative & say anything to get my way" & its so frustrating & hurtful. Many times during an argument its like talking to a child the way that he'll throw tantrums & have screaming matches, talk back & won't even listen.

When i admit my faults, and explain that I can see why he would take things that way & acknowledge how I can change, he won't even see any fault or understand how his actions caused a certain reaction from me. Like for example the cancelling thing.. When I try to explain that when he cancels plans on me just because his mom said so, it made me feel so unimportant.. like my time wasn't valued. There was no logical reasoning for him having to cancel plans besides the fact that his mom "just wanted him to be home" & it hurt so much that she would ALWAYS do this kind of stuff & make him cancel our plans. When I tried talking to him about it, I told him that he's 22 years old, he does well in school & helps out around the house so much his parents should let him do what he wants. & his response to me was, "at least i respect my parents"... & got mad at me that I was telling him to disobey his parents.. which isn't what i meant at all.

Its just so frustrating.. everyone tells me that I should just move on, but for me I really loved the guy. When it was just me & him everything was good.. but he would misinterpret almost everything I say, which is why we'd fight so much & I just want to know if theres an explanation for all of it.

He doesn't try to be different. He's comfortable in his own skin, apparently. He doesn't mind, too much, his relationship with his mother. I would seek other guys, frankly.

But I know it's not so easy. You've invested your heart in him.

Hi, I'm sorry it's taken me a while to get back. I got really busy with school over the past year and haven't been very active. I'm sorry that he's unable to see things from your perspective, and I completely understand why you would want him to, you love him and care very much for him! I'm sorry too that you've been experiencing problems with his family, and it's certainly not right with how you're being treated. Him thinking that everything he does isn't wrong is certainly going to be a big barrier in your relationship. If it were me, I would try to find some way to make him see the "errors of his ways" so to speak, and to have him see that you're really there for him and want a relationship with him! And I would want answers too, especially in as deep of a relationship as you're in, you want answers to these questions. I'm afraid though I don't have any other advice to give, but I hope I've been of some help! I know it's been about a year since you posted this and hope things are going well for you!