Relationship advice

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Hello

I'm a 22 year old boy, living in Norway. I've been diagnosed with high functioning aspergers from I was 16 years old. I function quite good in everyday life, I have a good amount of friends which I care about, I have a job as an IT consultant, and I understand irony and social cues to a degree.

Currently I'm in a relationship with a 20 year old NT girl. We've been dating since august 2015 and before christmas we became a couple. We've had som ups and downs, and most recently she witnessed one of my major meltdowns (not a pretty sight). I now struggle with post guilt and remorse about the incident, even though she says that she still loves me and that we'll work this out.

What I really struggle with is the thought of her leaving me... Even though she says we'll work things out and that she still loves me I still have the fear of beeing left. I will try my utmost to make this relationship work for as long as it does. I dont want to feel like i restrain her, and keep her from living her own life to the fullest. But I also want us to be together.

I've read som posts here in the forum about relationships between NTs and AS, and I feel that most of the posts focus on the limitations and to tell how often such relationships fail. When I read this I feel kinda doomed, like if it's not wort trying to make this relationship work, since according to most of the posts here in the forum it will fail at some point.

I try to think that noone can predict the future, and I've also read a tiny bit of blogs and forum posts about couples with AS and NTs that actually work. But even though I cant help feeling bad about it :-/

I also want to add that I have a hard time beeing alone. Sometimes I can enjoy it actually, but thats when I know that I have an appointment later on the same week. If I am to be alone for a whole week, It can beat me up quite a bit. The reason for this is that when I'm alone my thoughts go straight searching for all my negative traits and experiences. Even though people tell me Im a good person I dont seem to manage to listen to them. I dont have any hobbys either which consumes my time, it's just my friends and hanging out with them.

My greatest fear is that I end up living my life alone... I dont know why I fear it so much, I really dont know...
I wish I could come to terms with this fear, but I've struggled with it all my life and still feel like im far away from a solution.

My fears set aside I still feel great beeing with her, and I really want to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I hope It will be for a long time. I definitely feel better beeing with her than when I was alone.

So what am I to do? Are there any hopes for me? All I wish for is to have a good a relationship as I can with my GF, is that really so much to ask for? When you view all the NTs living in an relationship...why should it be so god damn hard for NTs and AS to live in an relationship together.

Best regards,
Kristoffer

PS: Sorry for long post

Does she know that you have Autism?

If she doesn't know yet, then now might be a good time to start, so you can set down your meltdown triggers, and the two of you can work through it together.

If she already knows about it, then the best you can hope for is that she'll be realistic and understanding of your capabilities.



There is always hope, you just have to believe in it.



Yes.

Good relationships have always been asking a lot, it's why good relationships are held in such high esteem, because they are not something that is easily achieved. Even families, those that were brought up and raised together, will not have guaranteed good relationships with one another.

So whether your Autistic or Neurotically, asking to have a good relationship is considerably precious and priceless thing to ask for. Most people spend decades building a good relationship, some even go through their entire lives without ever have a single good relationship.

But do not lose heart, not all is lost, with enough time, effort and maybe a little luck, I'm sure you'll get there eventually. You just have to keep moving forward, and never give up, no matter the cost or how great the strain, never surrender.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

Thank you for some good advice.

Yes, I forgot to mention that. I told her a couple of weeks into our relationship that I have Autism/Asperger. She said that she doesnt know so much about it but that she wants to be understanding and helpfull.

About my meltdown triggers, thats what we're currently working on. Not such a great start when it comes to a relationship but as you say "But do not lose heart, not all is lost, with enough time, effort and maybe a little luck, I'm sure you'll get there eventually."

What I meant when I said "All I wish for is to have a good a relationship as I can with my GF, is that really so much to ask for?" was that I know there are limitations and that not every relationship is great. But I'm in a bit of despair...For the time beeing i feel like relationships between NTs and AS is a lost cause after what I read. I'm just afraid that I'll lose her and then have to endure the breakup. I know thats a risk with every relationship, but Im currently clueless as to what to do to keep this relationship running.

Thank you for your reply, i really appreciate all the help I can get.

Regards,
Kristoffer.

Just remember that everyone's different, and I have read about several successful relationships between Aspies and NTs, so you're going to be alright! All my love! It's so wonderful that you have someone special! Good for you! Also, whenever your fears start rising again, focus on the happiest things about your relationship, and you will attract more happy moments as long as you think positively.

I relate with OP so f*****g much, lmao.

I know it's difficult to comprehend the potential loss of something you hold so close to yourself, but try to remember that you still have your friends at the end of the day. Unlike some people that had a relationship, whom was there best and only friend now have nothing at all but an avatar they idolize.

... -Link-

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over two years! We have a great relationship. When we started going out, I didn't initially tell her that I was on the autism spectrum. Eventually, I explained it to her. Sometimes she still needs reminders because I can come across as unfeeling or uncaring since I don't emote well, but when we talk things out, she is always understanding. She's also witnessed some of my meltdowns, and while it has been a scary experience for both of us, she was non-judgemental and only gave me love and support in return. I think that if you're with someone who truly loves you and is committed to understanding you and caring for you, then having a relationship with someone who is NT is perfectly feasible and will work out beautifully. It's all about finding a person who really loves you for who you are and willing to learn about your differences and figure out how to build a life together.