Is going out with an Austic person supposed to be this hard?

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Hi all,

I'm a 32 year old woman and I'm in a relationship with a wonderful, charismatic and charming 36 year old man. We met back in October 2014 and started seeing each other from then. During our relationship I've found communication with him to be great but also very difficult at times. I have a lot of friends, am very social and do a lot of things to enjoy myself, laugh everyday and enrich my life whereas he's quite the opposite...

First of all I thought "he's just a typical man" but as time went on, I knew that our great relationship at the very few low points we had, shouldn't get to a point where it was unbelievably low like I'd never knew was possible.

It's important for me to say we are both warm, caring, very attractive and very likeable people. When he used to make me upset and I was crying, at one point I cried so hard I found myself in a heap on the floor, he just didn't know how to make me feel better, he just shouted at me saying I have no reason to be sad, sometimes when I would hug him, he wouldn't hug back, or when I'd tell him I'd love him, he wouldn't say it back, he used to find a lot of really funny jokes not funny or laugh a lot at jokes that weren't really funny, he would wear the same clothes 3/4 days in a row, when I said I might move to London, he seemed to panic in the fact it meant a change in his routine. He also struggled with understanding body language and amongst other things.

He struggles with self confidence and sometimes speech so I helped him with exercises and gave him audio to listen to for extra practice. He was the one who highlighted the problems he'd had growing up so I listened and pointed him in the direction of further help because that's what I thought he wanted and he seemed thankful & grateful for it. But after all, I'm not a professional, just a woman who loves her man and wants the best for him. He's read a lot of books on how to communicate effectively and he's done a lot of self help which is really fantastic, considering he'd previously had no-one around him to help him.

After some time I made the approach and asked if he had ever been tested for Autism and Hyper-sensitivity. He said no. Eventually he ended up breaking up with me because he said he was unhappy. I was doing everything I could to ensure that wasn't the case, holding his hand, kissing, cuddling him, telling him how fabulous he was, buying him clothes, designed his website and rebranding his business, gave him days out, hotel stays, telling him how much he means to me, that I love him, that I want my future to be with him but it wasn't enough. On the last day we broke up, I travelled to see him to talk to try and resolve the problem because I didn't know the cause of his unhappiness. I spoke to him on the phone, waited for him outside his work and then he went out of his way to complete avoid me. I was so so so hurt, devastated, rejected... This was my boyfriend but I was treated like someone he hated.

We got back in touch again in November 2015 and after our break, things were to be a lot better! We were talking and laughing much better than we had ever done before! I had read a lot on Autism and so this helped me know how to speak to him but this time he just looked so relaxed! It was great! Communication had improved ten fold, he had learned about empathy amongst other things and he just seemed more confident! My friends said he seemed happier and relaxed too and it was great!

At first he denied the Autism and accepted the Hyper-sensitivity but then we did an online test together and it confirmed that it was pretty clear he had Autism. I asked him what he would like to do with this information and how did he feel about it and he mentioned going to see a doctor but that was it. Because I felt he was very sensitive towards this news, I didn't want to press it any further to make him sad or uncomfortable so I didn't speak about it, only mentioning it if he bought it up first.

Things were going well until this weekend. His mood suddenly changed. He had told me he had insecurities and I was doing my best to make him feel better. I try to understand why he does as he's so good looking, funny and loveable but I know it must have something to do with his upbringing but I'm not entirely sure what's caused him to have these thoughts. He said "Sort my life out for me please?" and I was doing my best to understand why and how I could make him feel better by talking about what areas he wanted to improve. He said our relationship was the most important thing to him and when we don't work, other areas of his life suffer. I suggested that he talks to his friends more so they can help him get through things because if I did my best but it wasn't exactly what he wanted, he would have a strong support system around him to help him with his wellbeing, like we all do. He said he just wanted to rely on me which puts a lot of pressure on me and the relationship.

I feel sometimes he looks at me like I'm an invincible and untouchable Angel, that I know the answers to all life's problems. And other times I feel like he doesn't look at me at all, like I'm a stranger he doesn't know or care one little bit about. He shuts down, shuts me out and doesn't even tell me he needs time to think about things, he gives me the complete ignore treatment. And it hurts like I can't describe, especially as we live about an hour from eachother so calling and texting is all we have when we are apart.

I love him and he loves me too. He treats me like a Queen. He holds my hand, he tucks me into bed, he kisses my forehead, runs me baths, gives me massages, treated me to a holiday in Cape Verde and makes me feel so special. But when he misunderstands something I say, it's like he has no feelings for me at all, he goes so cold and it's sometimes unbearable to cope with. Sometimes I mean everything to him, other times, nothing :'(

We both want this relationship to work. He wants to marry me, support him, and everything else that comes in a relationship and I want the same.

Please know I don't want to change him! We just both need help in finding a way to make it easier. I feel I've tried all I can, suggesting he spends more time enjoying himself, discovering new things, treating himself, seeing friends, just all positive things! I'm a really happy and positive person and I really don't know what to do. I feel completely lost

I know he has to discover himself and there's only so much I can do so I don't beat myself up about that anymore but how does he get the support system he needs without me telling him that he needs it?!

Any advice would be great, thank you.

I don't know, but I have a feeling that he is trying too hard to fit in. A relationship should be his safe zone where he doesn't need to fit in, but it appears he still tries too much to learn how it is supposed to work and fit in. That's not healthy. Especially not when it appears you are not requiring him to change. I would tell him that it is ok if he wants to learn to fit in more in his social life, but in your relationship the focus must be to setup something that works for both of you without any of you getting stressed out or drained of energy. A relationship is supposed to give energy, not take, so getting along should not require a lot of effort.

As for getting an autism evaluation, I doubt that would be of much help. At least in my country, it's only good for getting assistance from society, and it doesn't appear that he needs that because he is too highfunctioning.

Wow. You're a very patient person.

In reading this, the inconsistency and erratic changes in how he views your relationship seems like he may have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I don't know a hell of a lot about it, I'm by no means an expert, but I've been doing some light research on the subject lately as I'm becoming more certain that it applies to me. For clarity's sake, there are 9 criteria which require 5 to be present for a diagnosis. I have all 9 very clearly. I am almost the same age, 37, but probably the similarities end there, however I relate to that desperate feeling.

I am married now for 9 years and have driven my poor wife nuts with my constant insecurities regarding our relationship. BPD individuals apparently have a profound fear of abandonment, and very low self-worth, which can sometimes fluctuate to an overly high self-worth. And their relationships are usually going absolutely fabulous, perfect, as if from a dream, or absolutely terrible and about to end. It takes very, very little (seemingly nothing for the other person) to have this perception change. In short, BPD overall is explained as basically a emotional imbalance where it's very hard for an individual to have appropriate emotional reactions to most things. The reactions are more intense and cause erratic behavior. This is over simplifying the disorder most likely, and again, I'm no expert, but sounds like it's possible with your man.

Again, I have no idea if this is the case, but I really identified with the last part of your post, when you spoke of how he can view you as his personal savior, or as someone who's actually making his life harder. And these thoughts can come in very close proximity to one another with very little apparent reason as to why. I've been this way with my wife for a long time now. If we broke up, I'd have treated her like she never existed too. I'd be hurting so intensely and disproportionately, that I'd be compelled to try to make her feel the same by ignoring her. Then when the feeling passes I'd feel extra bad about having acted that way.

I also have suspected ASD for myself, but I'm not sure if the two disorders could be diagnosed simultaneously, and for me BPD is clearly more applicable. It was originally ASD that made me even join this site or start investigating myself. I have other pieces of the puzzle that don't fit under BPD, and a young woman on here posted a long, very informative post about her suspicions of having both diagnosis that sort of triggered me to look.

The point rather than talk about myself? If it's BPD, there's a very different way he's going to have to look at himself if he's to make any relationship work. There's a lot of personal responsibility involved. You really (by you I mean BPD individual, not you) have to be willing to accept your mind is not seeing things right and have to be able to rationalize your emotions and practice a lot of self control.

I'd suggest maybe doing some reading into this disorder and maybe you'll find out that a somewhat different approach is required. On your part, really just understanding. Sounds like there isn't much more any woman could do for her man, and this man should feel very lucky he's found someone willing to tolerate him. I know feel very, very lucky for mine. but he's going to need to get a grip on the fluctuations and learn how to better ride the waves. If in fact BPD is applicable. But check into it. And more importantly, have him.

I can't give much advice but I feel for you. I purposely avoid long time relationships because I know it would never work out because of my condition. I feel a lot of love towards people but it takes so much more to make a relationship work.

I know first hand that living with autism is very painful and drains your energy. He loves you so when he has these 'cold' moments he's maybe just suffering and/or needing time to recuperate.

I'm 36 and thought this post was about me.

Sorry you are in such pain. Sounds like you are telling your boyfriend the right things. He has to do it. There is no way you can make him. You are doing everything you can do.

It also sounds like he is trying really hard too and is committed to the relationship. Maybe if you continue, he will find the courage he needs to make the necessary changes. If he is willing, maybe relationship counseling would help.

From my experience, having a lot of the same issues that he has with relationships, it takes a lot of work to make the changes you want him to make. It also takes a lot of time. Having a good therapist or counselor involved helps a lot.

I would run fast and far from any man who asked me to "sort his life out" for him. You are not his therapist, you are his girlfriend. It sounds like he wants a girlfriend to fix his problems for him so he doesn't have to do the work of going and getting proper help that he needs. Unless you want to take on a live-in therapy client rather than a boyfriend, I would cut him loose. This seems to be a pattern with a lot of men, they think if they can just get into a relationship with a woman then the woman becomes their therapist and it's her responsibility to "fix" him. This is a really unhealthy codependent mindset that will not result in a healthy relationship with anyone.

While reading your post I noticed a few similarities that your significant other and I have and I hope I can provide some help or insight into what is going on. Keep in mind I might be completely wrong but I hope this helps.

I get how he becomes distant when you cry. Emotions in other people can be difficult for me to understand and because of that I get scared when someone becomes overly emotional such as when they cry. I care for the person and want to fix the issue so they don't cry but I don't know how. Possibly explaining to him that when you cry you just need to be comforted and explain how he can comfort you in order to make you feel better. One of my X's fully explained that to me and it helped tremendously at easing my anxiety for when someone is crying.

Also, you explained that sometimes he becomes very distant and cold. It could be possible that when he is doing this he is actually having a meltdown. For years when I had a meltdown I did the same and didn't want to be around or bothered by anyone. It took me a very long time to realize that I was in fact having a meltdown and even longer to learn how not to push people out when this was the case.

I hope this helps provide some insight into what is going on and honestly, communicating AFTER he is OK again and wanting to understand him and his ASD goes a long way. Best of luck.

There will inevitably be some difficulties if you crave a lot of physical and verbal affection from an Autistic person and feel abandoned when the person needs to be left alone, but those wouldn't be so hard if it weren't for the real problem.

You say that he says this relationship is the most important thing in his life to him, and that when it doesn't go well the rest of his life suffers. This is a HUGE problem, but the good news is that if you guys can fix it, your relationship will improve dramatically.

He needs to get back in touch with the rest of his life. His relationship with you is just ONE relationship out of all the social relationships he has--friends, family, etc. It may be more important than his relationship with any one friend, but it shouldn't be more important than his relationships with everyone else. And social relationships are just ONE aspect of life, especially for Autistic people (even those of us who are extroverts need time alone sometimes!). Does he have any special interests? Does he have an enjoyable job or career? Does he have a home to take care of? Any pets? Any hobbies?

He needs to get back in touch with the rest of his life. He needs to see a therapist to help him deal with his insecurities, too--right now, he's using his relationship with you as a crutch. Being with you helps fill in the hole he feels is inside himself, and it's great that he can be happy with you, but it's also backfiring. It's leading him to believe that he NEEDS you to survive, which means that any mistake he could make with you could be catastrophic to his life. Mentally, he needs you too much, so he CAN'T be 100% comfortable around you because he always has to be on guard to make sure that nothing bad happens to this relationship which, to him, means his entire life. This makes him even MORE insecure--and on top of that, because he feels fulfilled by the relationship (and nothing else) he's not putting energy into addressing his underlying insecurities!

The Autism-related stuff is challenging, but it's something you guys can work through. The BIGGEST, most imperative issue you've got here is his insecurity and his mindset that your relationship is the most important thing in his life. Once he works that out, things will become a lot easier and you'll have a much better time working through those individual social difficulties (figuring out what kinds of physical and verbal affection work for you two, what he can do when someone else is upset, how to figure out why someone else is upset, etc.)

(That's not to say that you shouldn't still work on those social difficulties! In fact, if you can find something relatively easy to work on with him, that might help him build his confidence. But on the whole I think the top priority for your relationship is making your relationship a lower priority for him and having him address his underlying insecurities, especially since too much worrying about whether or not he's upsetting you and therefore damaging the relationship is probably driving him crazy at this stage.)

Wow, the responses everyone has posted have been so amazing! Thank you so so much!

I'm from England and I'm out in Vegas right now. When I go away on holiday without him, he hasn't kept in touch with me and it's made me feel sad. I've told him it would be great to keep in touch to make me feel like he cares. Originally he said he doesn't want me to think about him while I'm away but now I know that contact with him can make it harder as he misses me so much while we are apart. This time around he has made a serious effort to make me feel like he's thinking about me so I'm very pleased to report that

THANK YOU RDOS!

When I first met him I completely felt like this was the case. I noticed he would separate himself when I would introduce him to different groups of my friends and when I'd ask him why, he wasn't honest but eventually I found out he has anxiety about these situations so I invite him to choose what social situations he would like to attend and say it's ok if he wants to leave or spend a few minutes alone during a meet. I do feel very drained at times but I'm thankful to have friends who can support me and this forum from now on! We've both talked about a setup that works for us both and he's show he's willing to work with that but it still needs a lot of work.



I am undecided about this too but part of this means it might make it a reality for him and he might seek help on his own without me seeming to be pushy...

THANK YOU BEAKYBIRD!



Thank you! Haha yes, I've learned a lot about myself![/quote]



Wow I'd never thought of this but he does have this new amazing confidence one minute when he's around me and one friend and the next, he's like a completely different person. He asked myself and my friend not long ago "do these clothes suit my personality?" then he quickly said "Well I guess I don't know what my personality is"



Congratulations! This gives me hope that we can find a way to work things out. This is exactly how it seems for me, not very much can trigger his insecurities, as I mentioned we are both attractive and try to assure him he has nothing to worry about. He is the one for me and I've fought so hard to not let him go. I choose him for now and forever.



How did you actually find it in yourself to look? With my man, I mentioned that he reads books on communication but since we talked about Autism, I don't think he's taken any further steps to learn about himself or find ways and means to deal with any problems he encounters in life... I've mentioned it but I don't know what's going through his mind, that he doesn't need to or doesn't want to...



Absolutely. He's openly said he finds it hard to understand his emotions but again I'm not sure what he done to try and understand them. He now verbally expresses some understanding and realisation with emotions he used to not understand at all so this is a good sign



Thank you very much! and bless your wife too. The hardest part is helping him, or him realising how to handle these fluctuations and this is something we haven't even addressed yet...

THANK YOU SELFLESSNESS!



Your avoidance of long term relationships is very sad to hear but you shouldn't give up. Afterall, there are people like me out there will to love back. Yes I completely agree he needs recuperation time. Just before I went to Vegas he text "Don't call." and this made me very sad But he's slowly coming out of his recuperation so that's great.

TO STALK



Haha! Wow.

THANK YOU EM_TSUJ!



I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was but I just wish he had people around him that can give him more of this great advice. That would seriously make things easier for me.



I can see how hard he is trying, bless him. He really is doing his best and I love him even more for that! Thank you for your advice here, I'm struggling to know how to broach this subject with him because of the Hyper-sensitivity. If I suggest counseling, it may make it even worse and he'll think that he's really broken... Maybe if I say it's for us to understand each other better?

TO WILBERFORCE



That's your choice but thankfully I'm a lot more positive and don't just run away when things get tough.

THANK YOU CIVILSAM!



Thank you for your advice! He's a lot better at this now! When I cry, he hugs me, gives me a "shush", strokes my hair, and tells me I'm ok. I feel so much better and can get myself back to happy in no time



That's exactly what it feels like to me. He asked me if his insecurities pushed me away and I said "no", because that's the truth but when he asked me again I said eventually they would because they were becoming much more apparent and then he said "Well, I dont want to say anything then". I keep explaining to him that talking is good, no matter how good or bad the subject is or how it makes you feel. He's getting that now

THANK YOU BUTTERFLY!



I am very independent, not at all needy so this is no problem for me. When we are physically together and there is no affection based on some negative emotion he is feeling, then it becomes hard to deal with.



Thank you! I've said exactly this to him. He doesn't have any interests, he even said this year he should get some, maybe get a scrambler bike which would be great. I said he should join a bike group so he can go on trips and speak to people about it. He loves his career and is building up his own business but it does take up a lot of his time which means other areas of his life suffers. I try to encourage him often to have a good life/work balance but I feel he relies on me heavily for the "life" part... He has a home but has never bought things for it (besides a new sofa which I gave him the recommendation for), hasn't decorated etc The only new things he has are things me or his mum buys and I've stopped doing that now for him which is sad but it would be good for him to do that for himself. He has no pets but suggested he look after my dogs for a while to make him happier as they are awesome! He has no hobbies either...



Thank you so much for your explanation here!! It really helps me understand his thought process and know how important I am to him, even on the days where he can make me not important at all. Yes, he absolutely has to deal with his insecurities and this is the most recent thing I tried to speak to him about saying I'm doing all I can to try and help him with that but if I can't, he can speak to his friends or other people and other people, I did mean therapist but I didn't say it explicitly as I didn't want to scare him...



Thank you!! I've said exactly this to him that once he fixes one area, all the rest will start to improve and I think his confidence levels and insecurities should be addressed first and foremost.

(Just so you know, I signed up as male but I am actually a woman, I just have been unable to fix that in my profile.) It sounds like you are doing all the work, looking up autism and doing research and trying to find solutions for him. He is a grown man, why is he not doing this for himself? Why do women feel it is our responsibility in relationships to be selfless and do all the emotional work for two people? How is that fair to you or him? Do you really feel good about having to teach him all these basic things about how to be a couple? Why should that fall on you, just because he MIGHT have autism or a personality disorder? He needs to learn to do this work for himself, or he will only learn to be dependent on you to solve all his problems for him. Do you want a boyfriend, or do you want to raise an adult man as if he were a child and teach him how to be an adult? Shouldn't his parents have done that, and if they didn't, shouldn't he have addressed his struggles with a professional rather than a girlfriend? If you're not a therapist or psychologist, you are not really equipped to give him the help that he needs. It makes me so sad when I see women do this to themselves, thinking that sacrificing and doing all the work for two people is the only way they can be worthy of being loved. You are a good person and deserve someone who is willing to do their own work and meet you half way. Unless you like being a martyr and giving everything for the sake of someone else. It's not healthy, but it is your choice if you want to live your life for the sake of someone else.

To the original poster:

I think suggesting to him that you both go see a relationship counselor to work on communicating better with each other might be a good approach. It doesn't blame him for all the relationship problems or place a negative label on him, so he might not get defensive if you suggest the idea.

And...that is what relationship counselors do. They help couples learn to get along better. Any couple that wants to improve their relationship can see a relationship counselor. It doesn't require a mental health diagnosis.

Sorry, I suck with the whole quotes thing:

"How did you actually find it in yourself to look? With my man, I mentioned that he reads books on communication but since we talked about Autism, I don't think he's taken any further steps to learn about himself or find ways and means to deal with any problems he encounters in life... I've mentioned it but I don't know what's going through his mind, that he doesn't need to or doesn't want to..."

First off let me be clear in saying I've never been formally diagnosed with any disorder of any kind. I've also never seriously pursued a diagnosis through a psych. These are my suspicions about myself. Very strong ones. I mean the BPD part is fairly certain if I'm interpreting the criteria correctly. Just to be clear.

But for me it started a few years back while watching TV. I was watching a football game (the NFL kind,not soccer) and afterwards a TV show came on. Cant remember what it was. But in the show they were explaining to their young child about his Aspergers diagnosis. I was half paying attention, but it almost sounded like bullet points explaining my pre-teen/early teenage years. So I started to investigate. And the more I did, the more pieces started to fall into place about myself. Then as I joined Wrong Planet and started seeing what other ASD individuals struggles with, I so deeply related to some of it, bit some other stuff I really didn't identify much with at all. In reading a thread recently, someone explained their own selves through the lens of being ASD & BPD (if that's even possible I have no idea and dont think they were sure if it were possible) and it was uncanny how much it sounded like me. So I looked into BPD and found out that while I appear to have some ASD traits (stimming/rocking, narrow interests, often overly articulate, very hard to tolerate disliked things in particular) the BPD piece is very, very pronounced.

So my journey into looking was sort of serendipitous. On both counts really. But I've always been introspective, and sort of naturally motivated for self-discovery. Probably in a search for contentment that I've never had. More recently however, I've been trying to find ways to better manage my anger outbursts, and erratic behavior as my marriage has been on the brink of failure at least three times in the last two years. There were some tough life circumstances for me in there too, so it was a rough patch. But I was motivated by realizing I'll never get this lucky again, so I better do what I need to to be more the man my woman wants. And she don't want a different me, just an easier to deal with, more level, more kind me. So that's what I strive to be.


"Absolutely. He's openly said he finds it hard to understand his emotions but again I'm not sure what he done to try and understand them. He now verbally expresses some understanding and realisation with emotions he used to not understand at all so this is a good sign "

Here's where, and again maybe somewhat uninformed, but it appears as though this is where the difference between if he were ASD and BPD come in. If he's ASD, he very well could have great difficulty understanding his own emotions. If he were BPD, he'd understand them most likely, but may have a hard time sorting them out due to their overwhelming-ness and rapid changing. Only he can answer that, and there would appear to be a very significant difference here in how he would need to handle himself.

But in short, he needs to realize, either way really, that if he's upset, it's not always rational. But I agree with whomever on here "didnt see the name" said he needs to take the reins here a bit on his own stuff. I think it's admirable that you're willing to help him, but you literally cant do it all for him. Is he in denial about himself? Is he just resistant to accepting that there's maybe something "wrong" with him? Does he maybe fear the stigma of having a mental disorder? Is he embarrassed? There has to be something as to why he wouldn't want to look into this on his own. I'm not a big reader at all. Hate it actually. It literally gives me anxiety sometimes. But I have been able to do it. Anyone can. I tend to think that pride is getting in the way, but that's obviously pure speculation. But if it is, he's gotta drop that s**t. You can't get anywhere good with that attitude. It's not easy to drop your pride. My discovery has caused me to swallow down hard some bits of humility. Some rather large ones. And sometimes it wounds my pride quite a bit, but I realize my pride isn't my friend.

"Thank you very much! and bless your wife too. The hardest part is helping him, or him realising how to handle these fluctuations and this is something we haven't even addressed yet..."

Step A) He accepts personal responsibility for who he is and what he does. That means accepting first and foremost something isn't right with him. There's no shame in it. He didn't ask for it. But he needs to realize it's him and not the rest of the world.

Step B) He takes the steps to find better ways to handle himself internally. This can be therapy, introspection, meditation, many many ways. But do something. Try something. Look into things. Go to a psych if you can't self-motivate in that way. But DO something. Im as lazy, easily discouraged a man as walks this earth, but I've managed to try.

Step C) He uses the fact that he has a patient woman at his side to motivate him to follow through on these steps. Many people have to go this one alone. He does not.

Notice- He, He, He. You are his support structure. Support. Not savior. Support as he saves himself. It's not easy so support is required. Be he's gotta man up and accept who he is, whatever that may turn up being diagnostically speaking. And not only accept but realize it's not the rest of the worlds job to adjust to you, but you must adjust to the rest of the world. Or at least the important people in it. Adjust. Not change. But adjust.

(Not read all replies)

After reading that I wish you were my partner

As to a diagnosis I don't see the point, it won't change anything he will still be the same person. But I think he needs to tell you more about what makes him anxious so you have pre-warning or can avoid even exposing him to the situation.

It may help inviting a couple of close friend to your home instead of going out socialising. That way he can focus on getting to know them and will be less likely to get anxious (May take a while). When he is comfortable with them then go out so he has multiple people he feels comfortable with so he doesn't hide.

TO WILBERFORCE

Ok first of all, wow. Your reply is very loaded with a lot of negative emotion, must be your Aspergers talking so I'll give you that. So anyway, I will break it down. My partner has a lot of things going on in his mind, a lot of it he can't understand. I do not feel like it's my responsibility to do all the work but he hasn't had ANY guidance or help from anyone in his life and the whole point of a relationship is that you support each other. I don't want to comment about his parents on a public forum but they separated when he was very young. I am starting to understand the parts of his upbringing that have contributed to parts of his personality. My man has done A LOT of work on himself, as I mentioned, he's read countless self help books etc and that's down to his own doing and no-one else's. I don't live my life for the sake of his, I do everything I want to do, like right now I mentioned I was in Las Vegas and he was back home. Suggesting I am raising an adult man child... Wow. He has his own business, home and vehicle so I don't need to say anymore about that. Now he has said he is taking it all into his hands and realises this is his ship to sail.

TO EM TSUJ



I ended up showed him this forum and he found it insightful. He has mentioned relationship coaching being the way forward so I'm looking forward to him taking the bull by the horns on this one.

TO BEAKYBIRD



I can relate to this. My partner has broken up with me four times. Yes four times. And if you didn't know me, you'd think I was desperate and stupid. But I'm anything but. If I believed he wasn't worth my time and effort, I would've walked away a long time ago. I don't spend my time with people who don't deserve my time and have ended a lot of "friendships" and relationships with this in mind. My partner sees how lucky he is and he wants to make this work. He was typical of someone who says nothing and then just runs away but he's different now. He has told me why his past relationships haven't worked - insecurities, trust, misunderstandings... He has shown me drastic improvement already and a lot of the weight has come off my shoulders. I signed myself up to attend an "introduction to Autism" to continue to support him and it was seriously enlightening. We talk more openly about Autism now and it's good to be able to do that now.



I actually asked him these similar questions and I got from him an "I don't know". He is trying very hard to distinguish between rational and irrational feelings. We were in Rome this weekend and he was looking at a picture of his personal trainer friend and I said "who's that?" because they were built and he was looking at the picture so intently. Sometimes he doesn't realise his own behaviour, especially as sometimes he can "space out". He said it was his friend who I had met once before and then he started to say I should get with him even though he's married. This was the most apparent time I'd seen how bad he insecurities can get. I was so upset that these thoughts went through his mind so quickly and he completely alienated me for the next few hours, talking to strangers and laughing while mustering just a "hmm" when I was trying to get involved in the conversations. I felt horrible. I don't think he's in denial anymore but he does keep asking his friends if they think he's got autism and they say "no". He randomly said to a stranger we were sitting next to at the Italy vs England rugby match "I've got autism". No idea why he chose to blurt that out but she said "no you haven't!" It annoys and upsets me that people who probably have no clue about Autism, or just think "Rain Man" think they can tell him for certain he hasn't. It makes me feel as if I'm trying to put a label on him when I'm not. Our relationship is much better BECAUSE of my research into autism. I think maybe if he does go for the diagnosis, he doesn't have to keep asking other people's opinions and he can accept more who he is? He says he hasn't decided either way if he's Autistic or not but I think some of these issues could be ironed out with an official diagnosis but it's up to him at the end of the day.



Yes, he knows he's different and always struggled. He is taking lots of steps to ensure his and my life can be a lot easier now.



I don't know what he's doing to handle himself but it's really working. I think the biggest improvement is that he's listening to me and talking more. I do feel very sad that the things that some of us take for granted, he finds very difficult.



I think he gets that now... He feel he doesn't take me for granted like I've felt he used to in the past.



Thank you so much with these points, I most certainly agree wholeheartedly. I've asked him to keep me posted what steps he is taking to manage his emotions and how he deals with things and he's agreed to that so I hope he does.

TO SEA GULL



Thank you This is great advice and he's actually telling me now all of his anxieties, insecurities, worries etc and we are having great conversations without communication breaking down to disrepair like we used to. It's amazing! I have also broken down my social groups to two or three at a time so he's not so overwhelmed by social settings. As mentioned above, a think a diagnosis may be a good idea now...

How did any of you go about a diagnosis? How difficult was it and did it help?

If he has made more of an effort than you described in your OP, then it is possible I was wrong. However, you described your situation like you were doing all the work. Also, "negative emotions" aren't the result of Asperger's. It sounds like you yourself have a long way to go and a lot of research to do to understand autism if that is your current understanding of how autism works. I was trying to be helpful, there was no need to be so rude in response. Just because people with autism can be socially awkward and not always word things the right way doesn't mean you get to be rude to us. You came here and asked for help and advice. I gave what I thought was helpful advice based on my own life and experience with relationships. Just because you don't agree with the advice I gave there is no reason to be rude and ungrateful for me offering it when you asked.