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Nist498
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27 Dec 2015, 9:52 am

Dating, like all human interaction is far more complex than most people realize. There are all sorts of little factors that go into it and many we never think about, it all happens subconsciously. Some people have a great advantage compared to others even when they're aspies. When you don't have any advantages though or worse the deck in incredibly stacked against you, dating can be a painful, rewardless experience. When you don't know how or simply can't improve yourself and your chances it drives you nuts.

I'd love to know why it's so hard for me to even get a first date even when it looks like some women might be interested in me. I'd love to know how to talk to women to get them interested. I'd love to be able to read people better. I'd love to be able to feel connected to people rather than feeling like I'm alone in some vast space full on uncaring and impossible to understand people. I'd love to know why I was born a generation off and most of the people who share my interests are in their 20s while I'm 35. And so on and so forth... Really I'm just sick of trying and hoping and getting nowhere.


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Asterisp
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27 Dec 2015, 11:09 am

Dating is difficult. The stage when exchanging messages is fun, I like writing those. But when it gets to a first or second dates, it does not work. I am placed into the "Friendzone" or I do not feel anything when I see her or it just does not work. Not really positive results.

But in my volunteer work I met a nice girl and we had some nice conversations in the breaks. Unfortunately I forgot to ask her contact details, but I should meet her again in a few months. And I found out an acquaintance of mine knows her more closely, so maybe she can tell me more about her.

Half of my (few) dates came (indirectly) from my volunteer work... so doing volunteer work could be good.

Nowadays I think it is easier compared to ten years ago. I am less afraid of mistakes, and I can also gain more insights into myself.


(besides this I know also a boy who has a big crush on me... but that is worth a new topic)



RobotPirateDinosaurs
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27 Dec 2015, 5:23 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
A lady who says she wants to "spend time" with you usually desires romance with you.

Ladies won't usually say bluntly that they want to get in your pants, or even that they desire romance with you.

You're on a pretty good winning streak there.


Well, these two people work at the same place I do, so I can't date them. They have only said they want to hang out, but I think it's best not to. It just has potential to turn into a very bad situation for all kind of reasons. I prefer to keep it professional only at work. It's very difficult for me to talk to a stranger and know if they are interested or not. I can't read people I don't know really really well, so it's next to impossible to get to that next step.



thecryingclown
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27 Dec 2015, 6:13 pm

I am in the same boat. I am 29 and soon to 30. I try bars but feel like wasting my time. There's a big nerd community but they are more closed minded than the bar crowd. fear being alone more than being homeless.



WantToHaveALife
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16 Jan 2016, 6:23 am

and yet people think us guys should feel lucky to be born male



rdos
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16 Jan 2016, 8:14 am

IvanAufulich wrote:
I was able to have a girlfriend in my teens, 20's, 30's and 40's. It wasn't always easy and there were dry spells, but never a complete drought.


Same here. I've had girls interested in me in my teens, 20's, 30's, 40's and even 50's.

IvanAufulich wrote:
I'm married now and not looking, but my mother who is in her 80's just found a new boyfriend.


My mother is in her late 70s, and she become a widow in her mid 50s, and she has found several new guys since.



Outrider
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16 Jan 2016, 8:48 am

IvanAufulich wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
a lot of people say it gets harder as you get older because most people are snatched up, but i'm worried, and at the same time, not surprised that I will miss out on having had a girlfriend in my 20's, when my body is at it's prime.


Humbug!

I was able to have a girlfriend in my teens, 20's, 30's and 40's. It wasn't always easy and there were dry spells, but never a complete drought.

I'm married now and not looking, but my mother who is in her 80's just found a new boyfriend.


While it's a very positive and uplifting message knowing a person of any age can still get a relationship, I also believe if one were to spend most of their life alone before finding their next relationship, is the tiny sliver of time left really worth it enough to enjoy the relationship, or does the effort and time outweight the benefits?

Still, I guess it's good knowing a world of possibility is still always open to you when you're single.

"and yet people think us guys should feel lucky to be born male"

Lol you have a point. A high number of males have quickly flooded into this thread telling of their lack of success stories.

Bit of a downer.



IvanAufulich
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17 Jan 2016, 1:07 am

thecryingclown wrote:
I am in the same boat. I am 29 and soon to 30. I try bars but feel like wasting my time. There's a big nerd community but they are more closed minded than the bar crowd. fear being alone more than being homeless.


Bars are a waste of time. Most "nerd communities" are already cliques with their own sets of issues.

I found the greatest success from online dating. I use Plenty of Fish because it's free and there are a lot of women on there, even out where I live in the middle of nowhere.

Although in my experience, it was more of a numbers game than an essay contest.

To start with, find every profile of every woman that you would be remotely interested in. Take into account travel distance, but otherwise, try not to limit yourself.

Now write a generic initial contact message. Something simple and put her name in the blank space:

Quote:
Hi ______,

You seem like someone I might like to get to know better.

I like to chat, let me know if you'd like to chat some time

I can't do cybersex because I type with both hands.

Ivan


Now send it to every woman you think you'd be remotely interested in.

You can expect that at least half of the messages you send out will not be responded to. About a 25% will be a "sorry, not interested" response. Another 25% will likely respond. 10% might result in chatting online. 5% you might actually meet and 1% you might get a second date from.

It takes focus. Every failure is something to learn from. As the number failures keeps rising, it means you're getting closer to success.


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rdos
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17 Jan 2016, 4:16 am

IvanAufulich wrote:
You can expect that at least half of the messages you send out will not be responded to. About a 25% will be a "sorry, not interested" response. Another 25% will likely respond. 10% might result in chatting online. 5% you might actually meet and 1% you might get a second date from.


Those odds are similar to trying to chat with random women outdoors, so why do you need to do that online?

If you join clubs/groups/volunteer work that interests you instead, and try to chat with random women there, your odds improves significantly.

If you also add checking for neurodiverse women, like with the eye contact game, then most of the women you contact will be potential partners.

So the question then becomes: Why would you use such an inefficient method as the one above?

IvanAufulich wrote:
It takes focus. Every failure is something to learn from. As the number failures keeps rising, it means you're getting closer to success.


Wrong. Each rejection lowers self-esteem, and increase the chances that you will give up. Also, you have read your statistics wrong, since the probability for success with the above method remains the same regardless of the number of rejections you get.



IvanAufulich
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18 Jan 2016, 2:34 pm

meh.

Online dating is like a computer game. Losing at a computer game is no big deal if every once in a while you win, correct? It may take a lot of trying to get your first win.

So from my very few wins with online dating in several years, I ended up with multiple FWBs and ultimately a wife which sort of upset the FWBs that their boy toy was going away. They knew I was ultimately out looking for a wife and we enjoyed our times together, so there were no hard feelings.

Now about my FWBs. All of them were significantly older than me. Like more than 10 years older. That did not stop us from enjoying our time together.

You have my 2 cents worth. If you don't want to try, it doesn't bother me any.

Good Luck!


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rdos
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18 Jan 2016, 2:57 pm

Finding a partner is not a game, and you don't win a partner. The whole purpose of it is to find somebody you can get along with, not to win a trophy. Simple as that.

Besides, I'm already married since 22 years, so I'm not really looking for anybody.



DinnerPlate
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18 Jan 2016, 6:17 pm

IvanAufulich wrote:
meh.

Online dating is like a computer game. Losing at a computer game is no big deal if every once in a while you win, correct? It may take a lot of trying to get your first win.

So from my very few wins with online dating in several years, I ended up with multiple FWBs and ultimately a wife which sort of upset the FWBs that their boy toy was going away. They knew I was ultimately out looking for a wife and we enjoyed our times together, so there were no hard feelings.

Now about my FWBs. All of them were significantly older than me. Like more than 10 years older. That did not stop us from enjoying our time together.

You have my 2 cents worth. If you don't want to try, it doesn't bother me any.

Good Luck!


Met the boyfriend on OKC, have a dozen friends who married folks they met online. It can work!



WantToHaveALife
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19 Jan 2016, 7:12 pm

I hate it whenever people say its never too late or you have plenty of time, better late than never, angers me and pisses me off



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20 Jan 2016, 1:59 pm

It's never too early. There's no reason to waste a single second of your life more than you absolutely have to. However, there will often be conflicts with other people whereby one has to waste a bit of their life so another can enjoy theirs a bit more. Naturally, most people will decide you are the former and they are the latter. Therefore, they will push all sorts of moral judgements in favor of squandering precious time in your life as long as the time being squandered is yours. There will always be some unquestionable reason or other why their time, their life and their goals, much unlike yours, are important, and, if they can, they'll defend them by force.

Force is the only real argument in any dispute. Everything else rests on it.


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planet me
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21 Jan 2016, 3:36 am

I'm about to turn 31. I am single as well. I am sometimes depressed and I'm on POF which I think is an alright place to meet people. I have a resting b***h face and sometimes have to be told to smile. Grr that's a GOOD way to get on my BAD side!! !! !

I guess the best thing to do is just keep on trucking and learning from mistakes. If I really want to I can fake being normal. There are times that really think before I speak. Most of the time though I let my obsessions get in the way and before I know it I'm making people think I'm a weirdo.

I say keep up online dating. I find it's the easiest way to get dates for me. Most people are using those sites in good faith I think. That means a bunch of singles at your fingertips that work and school ect. naturally doesn't provide.



WantToHaveALife
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05 Feb 2016, 6:30 am

planet me wrote:
I'm about to turn 31. I am single as well. I am sometimes depressed and I'm on POF which I think is an alright place to meet people. I have a resting b***h face and sometimes have to be told to smile. Grr that's a GOOD way to get on my BAD side!! ! ! !

I guess the best thing to do is just keep on trucking and learning from mistakes. If I really want to I can fake being normal. There are times that really think before I speak. Most of the time though I let my obsessions get in the way and before I know it I'm making people think I'm a weirdo.

I say keep up online dating. I find it's the easiest way to get dates for me. Most people are using those sites in good faith I think. That means a bunch of singles at your fingertips that work and school ect. naturally doesn't provide.


are you implying you have always been single?