My girlfriend told me I am greedy and selfish, am I?

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Okay thanks. I am trying to get a sense of what cheap is and not. If I had paid for dinner only but not gotten flowers, would that he cheap as well?

Your girlfriend is acting like an entitled diva. Gifts of any kind are supposed to be gratefully received, not demanded! Why are you telling her what you are going to be giving her ahead of time, anyway? You may be cheap, but she is a spoiled brat.

Last edited by arielhawksquill on 05 Feb 2016, 8:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It should be obvious that she isn't going to change for very long. So, you should base your decisions on what she is, not what you want her to be.

I didn't tell her. She asked me if I was getting her flowers, and I said that I wasn't thinking about it since I was already treating her to dinner and a movie.

ironpony you are trying to decode the social rules and expectations, you want to understand if what she is communicating to you is reasonable or not.

but you have to consider the possibility (probability, i would say) that she does not have good intentions, is a manipulative liar, and is using you. therefore you can't use her communication with you as a way to understand if you are "acting correctly" or not, but i think you already suspect that you can't, and that's why you're here.

from what you've communicated it sounds like she doesn't care about you, doesn't care about how you feel, will disrespect you in your face, in front of others, in front of your guy friends, still sees her exes, uses you for money, and blames you for anything and everything, nothing you do is ever enough, ever good, ever right. you, of course, do not deserve to be treated this way. but if you try to understand what abusive behavior looks like, understand it, you can start to learn how to set yourself up so you don't end up in a relationship like this again, and end up with someone who treats you with the respect that you deserve. do some research. this guy is someone i've learned a lot from yt: /watch?v=u2ucwtmsz0c (can'tpostlink)

i think we on the spectrum tend to attract these sorts of people because we appear more vulnerable than we are and we actually are more vulnerable in some ways, and they can be oh so charming while they get their claws in, and then we are like wtf is going on i thought they were alright.

good luck, hope this was not too blunt

Well, a movie and a dinner ist not a gift that you can keep. But it is not O.K. that she asked for more. What did she give to you btw?

Flowers don't keep long, either.

I have a few thoughts on this.
1. Some women prefer flowers over dinner and a movie. (I am not one of them, so I don't get it.)
2. It is important to know what your girlfriend *prefers*.
3. To ignore what she prefers is not right.
4. BUT, she should not get mad when you don't giver he flowers if you are remembering her and Valentine's day in another way (dinner/movie.) She could (gently, respectfully) tell you that flowers mean a lot to her and she would prefer receiving those in the future.

5. Demanding all of the above (dinner, movie and flowers) is unreasonable, especially when one is trying to be judicious about spending money. The next thing you know, the flowers won't be the right kind. If you buy roses, you won't buy the right number (a whole dozen esp. at Valentine's Day is OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE.) Or they won't be the right color or the stem length won't be long enough. The next complaint will be that you didn't buy a bottle of champagne or it wasn't the right kind or you didn't take her for a weekend away, and the LIST GOES ON.

I have said before, and others have said too, that she makes it sound like you are never going to be good enough.

She is not easily pleased. That is most definitely true.
This problem will go way beyond money.
If you get married, you will find out you don't fold the towels or put away the dishes correctly. You will have every piece of clothing scrutinized. You will probably be shelling out more money than you could possibly imagine for hair styling every six weeks so the 'do remains "just so."

She just sounds like one of the most impossible types of women to live with. Prissy to the MAX combined with CONTROL FREAK. I would get away.

I really do not like saying such negative things, but I know lots and lots and lots of married women. All of them would shrug their shoulders and say "oh well" about not getting flowers instead of dinner and a movie. OR they would gently and politely say that, given a choice, they would rather have the flowers IN LIEU OF dinner and a movie. The ones that DO get in a huff about it? They aren't married...or they are NO LONGER married.

Oh okay. It's just confusing because there are plenty of things we do get along on, and she goes out of her way to do a lot for me. She helps me out with many things, gets me a new job, and does things that are nice surprises, like make dinner when I wasn't expecting it or something.

It's thing like that that confuse. If she doesn't care about me, then why does she go out of her way on things like that?

I also went to a therapist to talk about the problems and my feelings. The therapist agreed with her on those issues, and said that I was making things about me.

I disagree with your therapist. Is it a therapist familiar with aspergers or a general "marriage counselor" type therapist? If someone doesn't understand aspergers, they will not get your communication difficulties.

If your girlfriend was along for the session, and she is a manipulative type (I think we have already established that she is) she very likely can make a better case for her side of things than you can for yours.

This thread has gotten to the point that it is painful for me to read. I think you need to break things off with her; a lot of the rest of us are telling you the same thing...and you are still bringing up various issues but won't send her packing.

If you want to keep her, then keep her. But IMO, she is acting like an entitled diva and manipulating you and sending you on guilt trips just to get what she wants. Just because she can do nice things at times doesn't make her incapable of manipulating you. You aren't going to solve anything questioning yourself each time she lays a guilt trip on you. This is a very unhealthy dynamic no matter what any therapist says otherwise.

If she can't see that you are unsure of yourself and help you with confidence instead of working your lack of confidence to her advantage, she is bad news for you. It sounds like you need to make a decision--either keep her and put up with her manipulative tactics, or break things off. But you keep going back and forth wondering if you are a lousy person with each new guilt trip she tries to put on you.

You aren't a lousy person. She is a manipulative diva. Do what you want with the information, but there it is from the perspective of us aspies.

I don't agree with your therapist, either.

Several of us here on this thread have been married for many years. There's a lot of wisdom that comes from that. Knowing the tough times and the good times and what it takes to get through them and stay married and what kinds of things might have killed the relationship.

You should take a break from this girl. Why don't you tell her that you need some time off from the relationship to get your own head together. Right now, as Probly.an.aspie says, you are second-guessing yourself at every turn. You are not going to get your own self straightened out if you keep hearing your girlfriend's input and questioning everything.

Just STOP. Take a break from her. Take a break from the relationship. If she loves you, she will give it to you and trust that if the relationship is secure, you will realize you need her. (She probably won't like it, but that's different.) If she says something like "if you take a break from me, the relationship is over forever" or starts seeing someone else in the meantime, then it is pretty clear that this is all fake anyway.

Let everything settle and get sorted out in your mind. Notice how you feel. Are you feeling better about yourself or worse? Are you feeling more sure about your decisions? Are you noticing a BIG change in your spending habits (I know some will be different w/o dates - but there could be situations, like at a store, where your girlfriend may have encouraged you to buy more of something you really didn't want or need.) Do you miss her greatly, or are you feeling at peace?

After things have settled and you have figured these things out, you will know whether or not you should resume things.

Marriage is *THIS* important. You want to get this right. Getting it wrong is devastating, on so many levels.

Okay thanks. Well she said we have been dating for over two years and she cannot wait any longer for marriage. There is only so long she is willing to spend on one guy, and if I cannot marry her after over two years, it means I am not ready, or I do not love her enough, she says. She gave me till her birthday in May.

I am also confused cause aside from wanting money in those examples, there are several things she does for me when she doesn't have to. She even offered to pay for something I needed, which I didn't even ask her for, but I payed myself. But the fact that she was willing says a lot, or so it seems. She also helped me get a new job, as well as many other things.

Basically if she is after my money, I do not understand why she does all these other things for me?

Because by marrying you, she gets your money! Once you are married, she will insist that money be spent to please her, and if you divorce her she will still get to keep half of it.

If a wife is what you are looking for, now's your chance. If you want to continue to spend your money the way you think best, then let the May deadline pass without a proposal.

Well I told her I wasn't getting married until she signed a pre-nup, she said then she won't marry me. She says that by saying that I treat marriage as a business arrangement and not as love. I told her that she is looking at it the wrong way, and a marriage with pre-nup is not a business arrangement. She then got out a dictionary, and showed me the definition of pre-nup and apparently the dictionary does use the term 'business arrangement'.

She also tells me about her friends and her parents, and mine who's wives were not asked for pre-nups, saying by asking her I am not trusting of her, and those people would not have gotten married, had they not trusted each other. But now that I imposed such an ultimatum on her, she is super depressed over it. Depressed as in crying all the time, and she cannot keep any food down. She is so depressed that she throws up, whenever she attempts to eat something.

So if she is not in love with me, then why does she put on such an act to that extreme? Is it worth it, as oppose to just accepting the loss, and finding another guy? Is it all an act, if she is that depressed literally?

She is comparing your relationship to others' at every turn. She didn't get flowers, but someone else did. She didn't get a weekend away, but someone else did. She was asked for a pre-nup, others weren't.

You can't live with an attitude like you must keep up with the Joneses.

YOU are the one she would be marrying. She is not marrying some other guy. So she has to accept YOU the way YOU are, or she doesn't love YOU enough. This argument she is making goes both ways. She says you aren't trusting her enough, but she is not accepting you enough.

She seems to want you to be different than you are. It seems that you want her to be different than the way she is. It is possible, like I said way back in one of my first posts on this thread, that neither of you are WRONG, but perhaps just mismatched. Either way, it is not a good idea to get into marriage this way. There are already things that are causing a lot of friction. Disagreements about money are one of the main causes of divorce.

I would not get married. Face it. NEITHER of you are ready. The two-year mark *may* normally be a good principle, but it's not a good idea to make that a hard and fast rule. Making you conform to it seems disturbing to me. Also to say that she is only willing to "spend only so much time on any one guy" makes it seem like she would be ready to move on at any moment. What happens in marriage when you are not moving fast enough?

What if you are not ready to have kids at the same time? What if your career is not moving along fast enough? What if you take too long to make major decisions, or what if circumstances derail something you both wanted to do? She just doesn't seem like she can handle things not going her way all the time.

Okay thanks. When you say that I am not ready to get married, in what way am I not ready exactly? Not just for her but what way in general, am I not ready, do you mean?

I mean not ready to marry her. You have too many reservations about her. I mean that your relationship is not ready for marriage. She is pushing something that is not ready, which indicates yet another problem. You can't rush things that can't be rushed. If you take a cake out of the oven before it is done baking, it will be ruined.