How to accept this??

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I am an NT and I am involved with what seems to be the third man with AS. Now that I understand autism a lot better, I believe that my father has AS, and I gravitate toward men who have AS. But the ones in my life...have not been officially diagnosed.

The first two, were terribly mean. I've been done with them and I haven't looked back.

This third one, he is so sweet and amazing, I am hooked. But then he will disappear. He does have kids, and he has been stressed. I have wondered if he has other women, if i am another woman, etc etc. He won't answer and gets angry. Then takes the time to text fight about it all day. Then i ask him if he even cares about me, or if he just needs space, or when we're going to see each other...he can't answer that. It's as if I can't communicate with him. He will not communicate any feelings. If I try to bring anything up he freaks out. He thinks i'm on the attack when I'm not. Or that i'm trying to trap him. It drives me to a point of frustration, and I start getting mad. He mirrors this, the style of my anger. For example I'll list a bunch of things that have upset me, and he will respond with a list about me. He is very sensitive, but treats me insensitively.

I think I love him though. My friend today, said that I need to find out how to adjust to this style of communication. What I do know, is that if I am sweet and loving, he comes closer. It's just that if I can't bring up things like commitment, and other women...is it even worth it? Like not knowing where I stand drives me insane. He reacts so defensively...I just don't get it. I get such terrible anxiety and he keeps coming in and out of my life. My friend said this..."It's like he's a puppy that's trying, who misses you and is doing his best. instead of greeting you at the door, he destroys everything in your house."

I'm just not sure how to proceed. I want a resolution! He won't give me one, but he seems to have this 6th sense about when to contact me again...usually when I'm moving on and getting over it. Today he called me for a ride. He didn't have to call me. He knows so many people. He could have called someone else. In fact our last interaction was so negative, i always think it's over and I try to move on.

Any advice? If there is something I can do, I would do it. When things are going good there's a lot of love.

To be honest:

Unless he explicitly tells you that he won't see other women, I wouldn't trust him not to see other women.

Even though he might be dishonest in this declaration, the fact that he explicitly tells you that he won't see other women means that he believes that you and him are in a committed relationship.

I don't find what you describing to be conducive to a successful relationship, whatsoever. I wouldn't raise my hopes too high. I wouldn't "put all my eggs in one basket."

He might be overloaded, and providing timely answers while stressed is not within his skill set. When he does have the time, he can fully communicate it through a method that he prefers and on his time. It sounds like you have different methods of communication, where you are expecting an NT-style response from someone who has their own preferred autistic method that has worked for them.



He might care in the long-emotional sense, but if you ask an autistic how they feel about something in the present moment, they might not feel anything at all, and when pressed, it does feel like to them that they are being trapped into an NT-style response. He wants to communicate on his terms, and adapting to other forms of communication might not be in his skill set. You may experience him as being insensitive, but you may also have to consider that your form of communication may come across as insensitive to someone that is not prepared for a barrage of 'feeling' questions when they are not ready for it.



Your friend has some good perspective of what could help the situation. The question you have to ask yourself might be, How much are you willing to adjust to his style of communication, and will you still be happy if communication remained in that style for the rest of the time you are with him? Is he willing to adjust the style of communication to adapt to your relationship needs as well, and how much does each give or take, and will both of you be satisfied with the results? It might help to approach him from a "I noticed we both have different communication styles and I would like to know if we could each share how we best like to talk to one another" approach rather than accuse him of being closed to his feelings or communications, because the latter could make him defensive and non-communicative again.

Yes he just told me that I was obsessed with him and supposedly blocked me. It doesn't make sense. Things ended last week. I was moving on. He texted me for a ride this morning. Then we had all this BS today. I told him if he doesn't care about me, he needs to leave me alone, and he could have texted someone else. That's when he said I was obsessed with him, and that I'll be embarrassed later. That I have no dignity. Which is ridiculous because I was moving on. This has been like this for a year. When I start to move on, he reappears. Once he saw me on the street, another time at a store. A couple times it was me apologizing for the anger and frustration I threw at him. Once he just popped up out of nowhere, texted me to hang out. He says such things that are mean and negative, only to accuse me of negativity. I told him once if he has such a low opinion of me, he needs to cut me out of his life. I get such terrible anxiety I can't let it go and it ruins my life for a week and I drink, smoke and eat too much. I think I better block him or ignore him. If he wants it over, he needs to act like it. I think after a year of reappearing, he should know how he feels. I told him this hurts me, because I want to be with him, and he just says more asinine s**t. I don't know if I can be the bigger person here and adapt. He only apologized once for things he says. I'm so exhausted from this. I would treat that puppy with love I guess, I don't know if I can adapt to a person. Maybe I just want love and care and I can't see myself constantly holding back my communication, hoping he talks to me and constant disappearances. It's been so hard because when it was good, it was so good. Maybe he comes back because of that. I guess if he does come back to me saying he cares about me, I can give it my best. The pattern is blowouts, then 2 weeks go by, and I hear from him.

He might "want his cake, and to eat it, too."

Doesn't seem too promising.

This sounds more like a relationship issue than an ASD-specific one, because this type of thing can happen in any unhealthy relationship. Key word, unhealthy.

It might help to take a break from the situation and you place a healthy boundary where you tell him that you need some space to figure things out before getting back to him, so you aren't the one in a position waiting for a response. If he tries to break that boundary, then you will get an idea of what his idea of personal boundaries are and an impression of his willingness to break them. Give yourself some time to reflect on the type of relationship patterns that you have found yourself in with men, not necessarily the ASD factor, but with this type of pattern in general and how much you keep returning to it or putting up with it and stretching it as far as it can go, much more so than a person would go through in a typical healthy relationship.

I have to say that is just too much drama for me. I can understand someone needing time alone and stuff, but leaving and not coming back and not saying where they've been - to secretive. I don't think guy Aspies ever talk about feelings because they are more logical in thinking. But if you ask an honest question, he should be able to answer it.

I just read some of your last post and you need to get rid of him and I mean block him and don't answer any phone calls from him - nothing. He sounds way too weird and unpredictable.

Yes at first I just thought he was an unhealthy person. But the fact he has returned a million times with the same results...gives me a huge indication he's not an NT. The defensiveness spirals out of control and he wants to be left alone and won't be nice. He is socially awkward, a real weirdo sometimes. And I love that about him, the weirdness.

My Dad though, would just shut down all the time. He needed a lot of space and wasn't nice about it. He is socially awkward. I thought he hated me, honestly. So all these guys who seem emotionally unavailable...I'm essentially clawing after their love. it's some form of trauma. My Dad and I finally have a decent relationship after some tumultuous ups and downs. My mom's biggest issue was though--"he won't communicate!" It's like he froze up. And both "Dude," and my Dad gave me the impression that they don't experience empathy, but I know they do, just not like an NT.

Once I got my wisdom teeth pulled and I woke up post-surgery in excruciating pain, and I went to my Dad asking him for the pain medication. He said: "Ok just a minute." I started freaking out, crying..."I need it now! I need it now! It hurts! It hurts!" My Dad just looked at me blankly like he didn't understand, and after what felt like an eternity, got me the meds. But my Dad also crossed an ocean to get to me and has been there for me emotionally.

I think Lockeye's interpretation is accurate about both of them. They don't know how they feel, in the moment. I don't know what I'm going to do if...more like WHEN, Dude comes back.

I hope you find a different "dude" in the meantime.

God, I've been through this so many times with him. I've definitely gone out with other guys. I read a lot about how to find the right one.

I focus on myself, I talk to other guys, I try to fill my social calendar. Then...he somehow returns. At just the right time. It's uncanny.

I haven't found one yet that I liked, well one guy I guess, but he didn't ask me out on a second date.

One thing I liked a lot about Dude is that I get space, and I can be myself. There truly is something special there. I grew up very independent, I have yet to meet a guy who will appreciate my inner and outer beauty. Dude did, in fact he went for my body and then I can also be smart without any crap about that. He didn't try to control me. There was tenderness and affection. With other guys I've felt suffocated, controlled, and unable to be myself. Subject to barking orders and abuse. With him, it's not like that. So this will be hard.

There are other guys like Dude

But those guys might not split like Dude does.

Not all guys are those idiot types who bark orders.

Yeah see his reactions to everything aren't normal. Something's up there. The right one will come along I guess. There is enough to focus on in my life.

For god's sake I don't know why he asked for a ride this morning. He could have gotten someone else.