AS/AS dating confusion!

Post Reply New Topic

I haven't posted here in a while, but I am a frequent lurker. Anyway...

It seems that I am very much in love with my best friend, who is also autistic.

We attempted dating for 6 months, but things broke down due to residual trauma from an abusive ex girlfriend who really tainted his view of girls and dating. He told me that he cherishes me (his "aspie gf") and has agreed with me that we are very compatible for a long-term relationship, but we needed to break up so he could deal with his issues and improve himself (and he hasn't been single in five years). He told me there is a good chance we will get back together on terms we can both agree on (I'm not expecting this will be the outcome, but it would be nice).

We are both in very hectic stages of our lives. I just graduated from college and I'm attempting to find a job, and he has two jobs and is in his final year of university for a degree in computer science. He is often very busy and has meltdowns about the extent of his work/school obligations, but he still reaches out to me to ask me how my day was and tells me he misses me. He still buys me gifts penetrating to our shared special interest/hobby, which he told me he does because he loves me. It means a lot to me since he has professed to preferring to talk to computers than other humans and I know first-hand how difficult it is to navigate relationships as a fellow aspie.

After a month of low contact, we have been starting to see each other again. He has come to see me at my house a couple times, had dinner with me and my parents, and I have stayed at his apartment a couple times (he tells me I'm the only girl he lets stay over at his apartment). We always end up having sex, but we also cuddle together, take naps together, and give each other massages. After telling me he isn't looking to date anyone, we went outside together and he reached for my hand. He also told me he wants to take me to see a movie we talked about going to see together when we were dating. He also said he wants to stay over at my place for a weekend. The natural attraction we have for each other is quite undeniable, and we are both confused about what "dating" means I suppose.

I've been having some anxiety about what my relationship with my best friend means given the amount of affection he's been giving me even after breaking up. Seeing as we are both on the spectrum, typical dating conventions tend to go over our heads. I don't want to push for a relationship he's not ready for, but I would definitely say yes if he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I want to see where this is heading with him, since we seem to bond emotionally and physically. I also don't think he's "using" me seeing that he does confide in me emotionally and we provide support for each other.

Connecting with another aspie is wonderful and we certainly share many of the same experiences and struggles with each other, but learning to love again after being hurt is a confusing process!

I try super hard to be good to him, returning favours, letting him relax around me, and being courteous and supportive. I am patient with him knowing where he is coming from. I'm trying really hard to not expect more than he's ready to give me, but he tells me he tries to be good to me.

I don't know the best way to go about this situation? Many conventional dating sites say that I'm wasting my time with a guy who won't commit, but he's one of my best and only friends and I understand how hard it is to trust others after being hurt by a partner like he has (especially as an aspie).

It's possible he might be interested in the future when he's done with university & not quite as busy but I wouldn't wait around for him. I'd continue to be his friend while doing my own stuff & then if we're both single & he's not as busy I'd suggest dating but I would definitely not push the issue.

He does tend to think of relationships practically, and if he doesn't have the time or energy to invest in one, he won't. He wants to make sure he's ready to go all in with a girl. When he tells me that he isn't looking to date, I don't get upset or try to push for an ultimatum. He's very aware of my feelings for him, and if he's ready for something more he will make it apparent.

I would just "go with the flow." I wouldn't push it. His career is important--but it seems as if you're pretty important, too (but probably not as important as his career).

Have you thought about making love with each other?

This might be an issue with which you might have to put lots of thought in, owing to sensory sensitivities on the part of both of you.