Can Men And Women Just Be Friends?

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But that's not s platonic friendship.

Men/men and women/women friendships have no attractions to each other, no secretly wanting to touc, cuddle sex the other.

Those friendships are almost always hurtful for try guy, as he spend his life with the girl he'd want to be with but can't hoping one day they can be more then just friends.

And then stuff can happen when one o both of them get drunk and they are no longer in control of their desires. It's a ticking time bomb and hurtful for the guy.

I won't be friends with single women for this reason it's too emotionally damaging to me, maybe other guys can stick it out but i dont know how they can take that emotional damage of knowing th girl they like doesn't like them back then have to see or talk to her daily .

I think it's more civilZed to say no this is bad idea and not do it then pretend you don't have those feelings.

It be like a recovering alcoholic working at s liquor store, constant temptation.

Probably the wrong people(or at least person) to ask really, I find it pretty hard to make and maintain friends with anybody.

In a vacuum I think it would be very difficult to be friends with a woman that you are attracted to and is single while being single yourself. I would say 99% of the time there will be ulterior motives or at least feelings but maybe a platonic relationship can evolve beyond that. Nobody likes rejection, nobody likes to feel unattractive, can women be friends with a man they find attractive(not just physically) while both being single while wanting a romantic relationship without feeling this way?

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Last edited by 0_equals_true on 26 May 2016, 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So what? why are you getting hung up on this distinction? When the have no intention of acting and are clearly not as invested in the idea as you are.



You're projecting, you are assuming the hardship you feel is the same, and you are speaking for the majority of cases.

I think you are confusing being desperate for relationship with finding someone attractive.

The reality is many aren't losing sleep over it, they accept it as par for the course.

If you feel that way then you will need to take the appropriate action for that case, and don't let frustration lead to resentment.

So what? Friendships come in all shapes and sizes. Platonic is just one of them.
Sexuality is a sliding scale, not a binary. Many women are a little closer to the middle than to the outside of that scale for a variety of reasons.
If either person finds themselves in a situation where they are miserable because of their attraction to someone else, the responsibility is on them to remove themselves from the situation, or (if co-workers) minimize contact and hurt.

The topic of male and female friends is too broad to give an accurate response. It would be different for people depending on their sexuality/orientation.

Do you get something out of non-typical male friendships?

Only if we were legally married.

"So what? why are you getting hung up on this distinction? When the have no intention of acting and are clearly not as invested in the idea as you are."

Because personally, I actually WANT to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without ever feeling any sort of attraction to them whatsoever. But it seems impossible.

At the very least if I can't be non-attracted to them, it would be easier in my life and the life of any men who feel the same if their female friends found it easier to fall in love with a good male friend who's always there for her and greatly cares about her and she is very close to.

Forget about 'acting' on such feelings.

Sly is right - suppressing your feelings may not work as eventually you may very well both be drunk and end up acting on how you feel.

"You're projecting, you are assuming the hardship you feel is the same, and you are speaking for the majority of cases."

For some men we can suffer similar hardship with women. Why oh why then has the internet popularized the term 'friendzone' and so many young males online complain of being in it, but women rarely do the same?

"I think you are confusing being desperate for relationship with finding someone attractive."

No, he is talking about being attracted, romantically or sexually to his female friends.

It doesn't make him desperate if he wants to be with his female friends.

Desperate is simply wanting to date anybody just for the sake of having a relationship, if you are genuinely attracted to your female friends that's not desperate, as you also already have a strong friendship with them as well - you genuinely like them as a person and don't just want to get into their pants.

I'm not attracted to every female friend because I am desperate and assume like the 'nice guys' do that friendship makes a good backdoor to love (it doesn't), I am attracted to them because I am attracted to them.

"The reality is many aren't losing sleep over it, they accept it as par for the course."

Well then Sly and I are the unfortunate minority.

"If you feel that way then you will need to take the appropriate action for that case, and don't let frustration lead to resentment."

But if we want to genuinely be friends with someone, yet this is the way they hurt us (unintentionally through unrequited love) what should one do?

It can be a confusing place to be in when you legitimately value your friendship with someone of the opposite sex but are romantically attracted to them so strongly but could never let them know.

And no, that's not the same as suppressing your sexual attractions to your female friends, it's different as like you say most people accept they may be attracted to their friends but ignore it, being the victim of unrequited love however actually causes you pain to continue a friendship you WANT to continue (as the positives outweigh the benefits).

This is why sly and I don't want women to be friends with. We eventually fall no matter what, they never do no matter what.

"So what? Friendships come in all shapes and sizes. Platonic is just one of them."

One that I want to have with the opposite sex but it eludes me.

Because personally, I actually WANT to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without ever feeling any sort of attraction to them whatsoever. But it seems impossible.

"Sexuality is a sliding scale, not a binary. Many women are a little closer to the middle than to the outside of that scale for a variety of reasons."

What do you mean? I'm having difficulty processing why sexuality is relevant?

I think he's simply arguing heterosexual friendships between men lack attraction, heterosexual friendships between two women lack attraction, and heterosexual friendships between men and women tend to have some sort of attraction (typically one-sided).

I also personally don't believe most gay and bisexual men can have friendships with heterosexual men without some sort of hidden attraction as well.

Gay and bisexual women, like heterosexual women, tend to have strictly platonic friendships with both men and women with no sort of hidden attraction involved.

"If either person finds themselves in a situation where they are miserable because of their attraction to someone else, the responsibility is on them to remove themselves from the situation, or (if co-workers) minimize contact and hurt."

But there comes a time where one will feel confusion on what action to take - keep a friendship they actually enjoy, and try to overcome their unrequited love, or end the friendship to help overcome their love, possibly fail to overcome it anyway, and otherwise had broken contact with a good friend they wanted to be friends with but it is now since too late to rekindle the ended friendship?

It's not a black-and-white 'Suffer or liberation! The choice is simple and your own responsibility!' there are strange grey areas as well where the positives and negatives are very balanced so you're not sure if it's benefiting or hurting your life.

That's exactly how it works for me too!

I very much dislike the perpetuation of two myths about men: we are attracted or would have sex with anything with a pulse (and the right bits) and that's we're incapable of controlling our sexual impulses, even when attraction, particularly the passing kind, exists. Some men might as well be like that and I do believe that some people are indeed incapable of forming an deep connection and dealing with intimacy with the opposite sex without also developing romantic or sexual feelings, but that's not the case for all of us!

That being said, if you are infatuated with someone, fancy them or have a strong interest in them as a partner, it's a huge mistake to try to make friends with them while being... well, under the influence of such feelings.

And in case it's not already clear, I voted "yes", both myself and my wife have close friends of the opposite sex. I'm surely grateful we didn't miss getting to know some really interesting, great people on account on them having the wrong bits

Great post, excellent analysis. Fortunately I live in a more permissive society.

"A true friend is a rare and precious thing" - I'm so glad to see someone else who understands and values this, there's such a dismissive, nasty attitude on this site about "just" being friends with someone!

Sly was speaking in absolutes, so I was elaborating that sexuality is very fluid and there are plenty of people who are attracted to someone else based on personality regardless of sex or gender. The whole thing is more like a.. big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

I was also noting that it was much more common for women to be attracted to other women for a variety of reasons, which includes (but is not limited to) being bombarded with sexualized media since childhood. =P
Nobody was suggesting it was a 'suffer or liberation' situation, but I can see how my post might come off that way. If you find yourself in a situation where you decide the pros are greater than the cons, keep on trucking! If you find yourself in a situation where you have not decided, I can always recommend experimentation to see if you can tip the scales. If you find yourself in a situation where you cannot decide, and have become paralyzed with fear, you can keep on trucking or bring the issue to friends/forums and see if they have any new insights on the situation.

Can heterosexual men and women be just friends? Short answer - yes.
Can a purely platonic friendship with NO attraction whatsoever on one part or the other exist? Theoretically, yes. But it's rare.
Can a friendship be maintained despite feelings of attraction? Depends on the persons involved.

Some persons might decide that a friendship with the other is valuable enough to put up with the pain of unfulfilled desires. Others may decide to end the friendship because it is too painful. I don't believe there is one right way in this, although there are certain boundaries that must be observed if it would be problematic for the couple to have a romantic relationship.

OK, I respect that. For me, any relationship starts as friendship. At 19, I began a serious relationship with a childhood friend because I felt safe and understood, and I felt I could understand him also.

At the same time, there are degrees of understanding among ordinary friendships. If the understanding is mere respect or tolerance, I wouldn’t want a relationship. Does that make sense to you? Are you differentiating between a relationship and a little fun?

As for the girls and women who are surprised and shocked that their male friends are attracted to them in some way, I think sometimes, it’s lack of self-esteem. Sometimes, it’s non-attraction on the part of the female. They can’t understand why, if they don’t feel attracted, the guy would be attracted. Sometimes, it’s difficulty in general to find attraction, which is my problem, although I have found that I can nurture physical attraction for someone who is my type on a personal level.

Do you find the prospect of a relationship scary at all? I do, because I don’t want to foster romantic feelings if I doubt my compatibility with someone over the long term. I try to imagine what it would be like to live with someone, day in and day out. If that prospect doesn’t sound potentially good, faults and all, then the relationship is probably not the right one for me. Worse, I’d risk being caught up in the wrong relationship if the right person comes my way. Sometimes, even relationships that sound great in theory end in heartache, because the partners discover that they can’t live with each other’s differences, day in and day out.

I feel that if I give people a chance instead, it might be more difficult for me or my partner later. If I feel like there’s some potential, then I would say yes to the experience.

Platonic, to me, is friendship without the possibility of "more."

There might be moments, on both sides, where "more" is desired.

But the desire is restrained and not acted upon within Platonic relationships.

Platonic to me has little meaning as I don't desire sex with anybody, regardless if they are potential partners or not.

Therefore, to me, platonic for sexuals seems to be the difference between being able to control their sex-drives or not.

Platonic, to me, could exist in a situation where there is no sexual attraction, whatsoever.

Or it could describe the situation I described above.

It implies a virtuous, cerebral relationship.

Like Plato's notions of human relations.