I think the man I love is an Aspie, shall I tell him?

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Lamaga
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13 Jun 2016, 3:45 am

Hi everyone!
I am new to this Forum :)
My name is Klara and I am a language disorders specialist.
I have worked with several Aspergers-dyslexic teenagers, and therefore have learned something about
AS.

The thing is, a few months ago I met this man, and slowly fell in love with him.
He is 40, a language professor, sweet and funny.
After a month or so, I started seeing some patterns that looked somehow familiar to me.
Here are the patterns, and I would be really grateful guys if you could give me your feedback:
do you have the impression that this guy could have AS? (he has never been diagnosed nor seen by an expert)
- He avoids eye-contact, he mostly looks at my mouth (and when he DOES look at me, he blushes like crazy
and his hands shake)
- He walks in a clumsy way, as if he didn't know what to do with his arms :)
- He has an hypnotic voice, low volume, I sometimes don't understand what he is saying.
- When I say something funny, he can laugh out loud (very loud) for MINUTES, and people throw him worried looks.
- We chat like crazy, even 3 hours in a row on Messenger, every day and every night.
- he doesn't like speaking about himself, he does, though, ask me a lot about myself and really listen carefully
and remembers everything about it.
- He is so intelligent. He is obsessively interested in arts and knows every single singer, painter, writer on the planet
- He doesn't mind if I touch him (but I've asked permission, sensing something) but when I massage him for example
he starts laughing very loudly.
- He can't be in crowded places, he gets anxiety.
- He has asthma and is addicted to coffee and cigarettes.
- He has several tics, for example moves his neck a lot.
- The way he approached me? He asked me to create LISTS of my favourite music, books, etc and share them with him.
- He wrote me the most beautiful love declaration in the world, and then added: "I am so happy that you are my friend"

Ok. So this is him, in short.
A great guy, whom I believe is an Aspie.

now, shall I tell him, in your opinion? Do you think he would benefit from knowing, somehow?
I'm just thinking of his best. He is one of the best persons I have met in my life.

Thank you very much for your time!

K.



rdos
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13 Jun 2016, 4:04 am

Since he is a professor, I don't think he needs any assistance, which means he doesn't need to be diagnosed. I think that it is good for your own sake to know about Aspies/NDs, but I'm not sure if you should talk to him about it or not. I'd only do it if he brings up the topic or something related to it himself.



Lamaga
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13 Jun 2016, 4:08 am

Thank you Rdos for your opinion :)
The reason why I was wondering if I should tell him or not is because he keeps saying "I don't know WHY I have this voice, I hate it. I don't know WHY I have these tics", etc.
And I feel sorry.



rdos
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13 Jun 2016, 4:15 am

Lamaga wrote:
Thank you Rdos for your opinion :)
The reason why I was wondering if I should tell him or not is because he keeps saying "I don't know WHY I have this voice, I hate it. I don't know WHY I have these tics", etc.
And I feel sorry.


Then you can use these questions to lead him on to possibly being Aspie.



Lamaga
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13 Jun 2016, 4:20 am

rdos wrote:
Lamaga wrote:
Thank you Rdos for your opinion :)
The reason why I was wondering if I should tell him or not is because he keeps saying "I don't know WHY I have this voice, I hate it. I don't know WHY I have these tics", etc.
And I feel sorry.


Then you can use these questions to lead him on to possibly being Aspie.


Mh... you are right! :idea:



hurtloam
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14 Jun 2016, 7:28 am

He sounds great. I have done this before and it really backfired on me.

He had asked me questions about why I did this and that and said he related. We exchanged email addresses and one of the conversations we had was started by me sending some general thoughts on Aspergers and what I'd found out and wondering whether I had it. The reasons I think I have it are things he had mentioned.

He totally took it the wrong way. And I was being subtle too. I think he thought I thought there was something wrong with him.

We lost touch after that.

Be careful what you say. Don't make him feel blamed and don't do it by email.



Fnord
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14 Jun 2016, 8:18 am

If you want to tell him, prepare yourself first for a backlash. Even though you may have the appropriate training and licensing, by imparting your opinion to him, you may adversely affect your budding relationship.

If you feel that you simply must tell him, do so with the utmost delicacy and consideration for his feelings. Just one wrong word could shut him down emotionally as far as you're concerned, and the man you love will be lost to you forever.


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TheSpectrum
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14 Jun 2016, 8:42 am

Fnord wrote:
If you want to tell him, prepare yourself first for a backlash. Even though you may have the appropriate training and licensing, by imparting your opinion to him, you may adversely affect your budding relationship.

If you feel that you simply must tell him, do so with the utmost delicacy and consideration for his feelings. Just one wrong word could shut him down emotionally as far as you're concerned, and the man you love will be lost to you forever.


No pressure, then!


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Lamaga
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14 Jun 2016, 11:56 am

hurtloam wrote:
He sounds great. I have done this before and it really backfired on me.

He had asked me questions about why I did this and that and said he related. We exchanged email addresses and one of the conversations we had was started by me sending some general thoughts on Aspergers and what I'd found out and wondering whether I had it. The reasons I think I have it are things he had mentioned.

He totally took it the wrong way. And I was being subtle too. I think he thought I thought there was something wrong with him.

We lost touch after that.

Be careful what you say. Don't make him feel blamed and don't do it by email.


Dear Hurtlloam,
I thank you so much for sharing your experience, it's of valuable help.
I would NEVER write such things on an e-mail, anyway.
I was just wondering, since he keeps complaining that he is somehow "weird" and doesn't know why he has this voice is moody, etc. , if knowing about AS could be of help for him to understand he IS OK, or not.

Some people feel really relieved after being diagnosed, some others not.
It's so difficult.



Lamaga
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14 Jun 2016, 12:00 pm

Fnord wrote:
If you want to tell him, prepare yourself first for a backlash. Even though you may have the appropriate training and licensing, by imparting your opinion to him, you may adversely affect your budding relationship.

If you feel that you simply must tell him, do so with the utmost delicacy and consideration for his feelings. Just one wrong word could shut him down emotionally as far as you're concerned, and the man you love will be lost to you forever.


Thank you, Fnord.
Yes, I know.
You are all so right, guys.
I like him the way he is, I don't care what he is or he isn't... but since I love him, my biggest dream
is to see him live without stressing out so much with what he perceives as "deficiencies"... and indeed are not.



crazybunnylady
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14 Jun 2016, 12:55 pm

Be careful now, I fell in love with an aspie after working with autistic people for many years. Over the last 2 years he's taught me that I'm even more 'aspie' than him and was totally oblivious (my diagnostic assessment is tomorrow) :lol:


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 79 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

Diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome 15/06/2016


Lamaga
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15 Jun 2016, 2:27 am

crazybunnylady wrote:
Be careful now, I fell in love with an aspie after working with autistic people for many years. Over the last 2 years he's taught me that I'm even more 'aspie' than him and was totally oblivious (my diagnostic assessment is tomorrow) :lol:


oh :)
So I guess you won't really mind whether you find out you have AS or not.
All the best, anyway, and thx for sharing ;)



slave
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16 Jun 2016, 12:49 am

Lamaga wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
He sounds great. I have done this before and it really backfired on me.

He had asked me questions about why I did this and that and said he related. We exchanged email addresses and one of the conversations we had was started by me sending some general thoughts on Aspergers and what I'd found out and wondering whether I had it. The reasons I think I have it are things he had mentioned.

He totally took it the wrong way. And I was being subtle too. I think he thought I thought there was something wrong with him.

We lost touch after that.

Be careful what you say. Don't make him feel blamed and don't do it by email.


Dear Hurtlloam,
I thank you so much for sharing your experience, it's of valuable help.
I would NEVER write such things on an e-mail, anyway.
I was just wondering, since he keeps complaining that he is somehow "weird" and doesn't know why he has this voice is moody, etc. , if knowing about AS could be of help for him to understand he IS OK, or not.

Some people feel really relieved after being diagnosed, some others not.
It's so difficult.


I would encourage him to view his self-concerns as an intellectual exploration of a sort.

I would say "You have expressed curiosity about some of your traits....ie. why you are the way you are....is that something you would like to explore further?"

If he says 'Yes' then ask him "Who do you think is best equipped to help you explore these traits and gain greater self-understanding?"

He is bright and so I suspect he will conclude that a Psychologist is up to the task.

This self-exploration could include you, like researching things online together or him doing so alone.



slave
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16 Jun 2016, 12:55 am

Lamaga wrote:
Hi everyone!
I am new to this Forum :)
My name is Klara and I am a language disorders specialist.
I have worked with several Aspergers-dyslexic teenagers, and therefore have learned something about
AS.

The thing is, a few months ago I met this man, and slowly fell in love with him.
He is 40, a language professor, sweet and funny.
After a month or so, I started seeing some patterns that looked somehow familiar to me.
Here are the patterns, and I would be really grateful guys if you could give me your feedback:
do you have the impression that this guy could have AS? (he has never been diagnosed nor seen by an expert)
- He avoids eye-contact, he mostly looks at my mouth (and when he DOES look at me, he blushes like crazy
and his hands shake)
- He walks in a clumsy way, as if he didn't know what to do with his arms :)
- He has an hypnotic voice, low volume, I sometimes don't understand what he is saying.
- When I say something funny, he can laugh out loud (very loud) for MINUTES, and people throw him worried looks.
- We chat like crazy, even 3 hours in a row on Messenger, every day and every night.
- he doesn't like speaking about himself, he does, though, ask me a lot about myself and really listen carefully
and remembers everything about it.
- He is so intelligent. He is obsessively interested in arts and knows every single singer, painter, writer on the planet
- He doesn't mind if I touch him (but I've asked permission, sensing something) but when I massage him for example
he starts laughing very loudly.
- He can't be in crowded places, he gets anxiety.
- He has asthma and is addicted to coffee and cigarettes.
- He has several tics, for example moves his neck a lot.
- The way he approached me? He asked me to create LISTS of my favourite music, books, etc and share them with him.
- He wrote me the most beautiful love declaration in the world, and then added: "I am so happy that you are my friend"

Ok. So this is him, in short.
A great guy, whom I believe is an Aspie.

now, shall I tell him, in your opinion? Do you think he would benefit from knowing, somehow?
I'm just thinking of his best. He is one of the best persons I have met in my life.

Thank you very much for your time!

K.


Btw, welcome to WP :D

So, are you an SLP?
I've known several and have great respect for their profession. :D



Lamaga
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16 Jun 2016, 2:14 am

slave wrote:
I would encourage him to view his self-concerns as an intellectual exploration of a sort.

I would say "You have expressed curiosity about some of your traits....ie. why you are the way you are....is that something you would like to explore further?"

If he says 'Yes' then ask him "Who do you think is best equipped to help you explore these traits and gain greater self-understanding?"

He is bright and so I suspect he will conclude that a Psychologist is up to the task.

This self-exploration could include you, like researching things online together or him doing so alone.


You know, Slave, this seems to be the most tactful approach.
Thank you so much!



Lamaga
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16 Jun 2016, 2:18 am

slave wrote:
Btw, welcome to WP :D

So, are you an SLP?
I've known several and have great respect for their profession. :D


Thank you!
I like this Forum :)

Nope, I am not exactly a Speech Language Pathologist,
I am a linguist with a MA in Language and Learning Disorders (Dyslexia, ADHD, Autistic Spectrum).
I just love my job, I love to see people thrive :D