Confused about girl :(

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Hi,

I'm a 25 year old guy, never dated before. Girls have always friend zoned me or assumed I was gay. About 6 months ago a girl approached me at uni, we had a good laugh, she seemed really confident and forward, we shared a lot of interests and humor... I felt drawn to her, but also at the same time intimidated because I didn't know her well and she seemed quite dominant. I have discovered that she is actually quite a sweet person though. She recently told me she liked me a lot by text. At the time I replied I wasn't sure how I was feeling and I told her I didn't feel the same. She was very nice about it and said she understood and that she still thought I was an amazing person. She has been very nice to me ever since, but I found out that she is actually very shy and sweet. She gets quiet and nervous around me and I also find it hard to sustain a conversation. Her personality confuses me a bit. When she gets loud and funny I feel like it's too much for me. But there's a side to her that I really like. She is also popular and good looking so I'm not sure if she would really be into me as much as she seems. I am very confused. I would really like to have someone finally, it's great that I didn't have to approach her, but at the same time I am so afraid. I also don't know how I am supposed to feel. I don't think I am in love. But I am not indifferent at all. When she is around I get very nervous and start to ignore her, but she doesn't seem to mind. She keeps being nice to me, even after I had a meltdown once in front of her. I got very flustered in her presence and sometimes I act rude I guess, but she doesn't seem to let it affect her sympathy for me. Don't know what to do. I am not sure if my nervousness is because I feel uncomfortable knowing she likes me & uncomfortable being approached... or whether it is because somewhere I do care about her. My friends are saying I am a complete idiot for not approaching her, but I just feel I can't do it. Not sure if I want it, I do feel like I really want 'someone' though... I feel afraid I guess. I have no experience with girls at all so... input is welcome. Thanks.

Sounds like this girl genuinely likes you. Why not ask her out on one date and see how you feel from there?

For what it is worth, many guys and girls go through these kinds of feelings (of fear) when they don't know what to do. You can choose not to ask and continue living wondering what to do in the next situation. Or you can just jump in regardless of your fear of the unknown and have faith that it will work out for better or worse and learn a lesson.

Hi Mike,
Thanks for the reply. I know that approaching her is the most 'obvious' thing to do and it is the same what I have been hearing from friends. But I am so blocked. When she is around I even struggle to hear what other people are saying. I start stimming really badly and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to have a third meltdown in front of her. I feel physically immobilised and that just makes me so confused and angry. I have already expressed that anger and of course it seemed like I aimed it at her... She was so apologetic and saying sorry for whatever it was that made me angry, then she pretended nothing happened and continued being nice. She is really very very sweet but she also scares me with her personality. She can be very intense socially.

In addition, a mutual friend told me that she really was very heartbroken after I turned her down, the details sounded very serious to be honest, but she didn't show any of that to me. She kept being nice and bubbly about things and said that she respected my opinion and would not needlessly bother me with further advances.

So I feel like I have kind of forced myself into a dead end street. I turned her down the first time & I don't want to lead her on making her believe that this could definitely be something... because I don't know... The uncertainty of the situation is so unsettling.

I know I sound like a total idiot, but I just really don't think I can physically do it. Up to now all I have been able to say since she told me is 'hi and bye' with a red face. If she stops to say anything more I feel meltdowns welling up and I just have to go before I explode in front of her again. It's so embarrassing...

I thought of texting but I know that even if I manage to text, I will not be physically able to follow up on the date and that would be even worse.

I suppose that in my head I am wishing that she'd do all the work for me, but at the same time the signals I am sending our ones that say 'leave me alone'... I know I sound like a dick now. I wish I could express how confused I feel inside.

Thanks for reading & providing your opinion!

Women almost never do the work. You will have to figure out how you feel about her. It seems you do kind of want her. Once you figure out how you feel, maybe then ask. Now that I have also read (and somehow missed) that you are intimidated by her, I realize why my initial advice might be a mistake.

Again... once you figure out how you feel, ask her then or keep her as a friend. But if you decide you do want to ask her out, I hope it isn't too late (she found someone else).

I feel you brother.

Is it the unknown? I don't know much but I have come to realisation you have to accept the unknown. Not knowing isn't such a bad thing, whether it is how you feel, how they feel or both.

If you don't have any romantic inclination towards her, then you should be clear. Maybe that doesn't work always but in this case you should try.

If you don't know how you feel about it then maybe it is best to let that known too.

Since she texted you her feelings first time, that is a valid medium to express this.

As long as you are not a pet project, she is being nice to you, she obviously sees you in high regard.

Just becuase you are intimidated by her doesn't necessarily mean she isn't scared too or thinks she is superior.

This may break social conventions but I think you should be honest about how you feel. Also you pretty much know here she stands.

Why don't you just talk to her about all this? No matter the outcome, at least you will have had a deep, meaningful conversation where you show both her and yourself some respect.

Show her your worst. Stim away. If she's to be in a relationship with you she needs to know this anyway. Better to approach with open eyes. If she decides it is all too much for her, at least she will respect you for being honest.

From your description she seems pretty nice. Just tell her this is not you playing hot/cold, but that you are really confused and in any case you would have to take it slowly. You have no idea how many girls would love this.

Please don't ruin your chances at a relationship by thinking she is to high level for you. The way people on this forum go on about alpha-beta-yadda-yadda is absolutely bonkers. A relationship exists between two people who get something they need from the other person, something not just anybody can provide. Please remember that you are a human being, just as valuable as the next person.

A lot of people just have a lot of trouble being honest with their feelings for any variety of reasons.

Interesting situation. As usual, I don't think conversation is the solution. The OP did a mistake in saying he didn't feel the same (I think he does), but the girl appears to still seek his attention and prove her worth. This is the first step in ND courtship. Still, the only way forward here is that he must give her clues that he likes her. Otherwise, she is likely to get tired of it and stop being interested. Especially if she is a popular girl with some pressure to act reasonably.

Hello everyone,
Thank you very much for all your input. It has made me think more and I think I have realised something else reading your replies. I feel so confused because: shouldn't someone be insanely in love, so in love that they wouldn't even consider letting fear in their way before dating someone? I have felt crushes on girls, but they were always girl I knew weren't interested or girls that I 'dreamt' of having but deep down knew I couldn't have... I did imagine them asking me out and on occasion I have asked them out as well, but it was always a dead end. I suppose light hearted easy relationships just feel like there is less at stake?

This just struck me because it is the first time any girl has approached me so directly and I am not sure whether I like her because I think that I am used to feeling 'comfortable' crushes instead and when I feel something so serious coming my direction I just freak? It doesn't feel as lighthearted as my distant crushes. And I think that 'real love' should maybe feel 'easier' if that makes sense? Or am I confusing things? A friend of mine once told me that he found it easy to date 'easy' girls but never managed to have a relationship with a girl who was very seriously into him. He's been insane about her for years, but he is too afraid of the 'seriousness' it might bring. I think that perhaps I am the same?

Also, I don't attract girls typically, so I kind of feel like a double idiot for not doing anything now... I just think that if it is 'meant to be' the perfect situation will show up and we will easily flow into a relationship? Does this hassle ever turn out into something worthwhile? I just can't add the two up. If this was so amazing, why am I not jumping at the opportunity? I can imagine if I was madly in love that I might go for it despite the fear maybe?

Sorry to be so confusing. This is basically how things are in my head. I am utterly unexperienced as you can see.

If you think being in 'love' or enamored by someone makes you fearless this just not true.

I would have to disagree with people making assumptions about what Keith thinks or what he really wants. You can't possibly know for sure. It is pure projection.

Well, she sounds like a nice girl. Honest and respectful. OP, I think you have perhaps wisely realized that you are not ready for a relationship, even if you see the potential with this girl. That's okay. Time marches on. There will be other girls and maybe even this one will come around again. But I think you are doing the right thing by playing it cool. She asked. You said no. She respects your answer. Good result, I think. Better than getting together with her before you are ready and having a terrible experience.

I think that the fact she respects you turning her down is good. That being said, I think if you said you had thought about it, and you'd like to go out and see where it leads, she would probably be happy to. I get what you're saying about not feeling "in love" yet. Often people don't feel that until they've dated for a while.

If I were to speculate, I think you may be stimming because there's an emotional tension between the two of you. I honestly think that dating her might alleviate that. You will both work out how you really feel about the relationship, where now it's just a figurative "elephant in the room" you both are avoiding. Some Aspies (myself included) can get overwhelmed just from "feeling" someone else's emotional energy and not being able to interpret it. Maybe you're feeding somewhat off of her anxieties of what she feels for you.

Best of luck to you both!

Thank you all so much for your kind input. You've certainly given me a lot to think about. Many things that I had overlooked as well I think. I have to admit I still don't know what to do but I have to mull it over more I guess. It hasn't helped that I have just heard she might be moving away for work soon... It's possible I might not see her again. A part of me is relieved that I won't feel the tension anymore, but at the same time I wonder whether I will ever get as lucky as this again. Questions & confusion all around! If I didn't feel the stimming when she was around I guess I could try to have a go at a date like a normal person would, but the way I feel when she is around is just so bad. I am assuming it's because I don't like her, but now I am not sure that's the root of the problem. I also noticed that I act downright rude to her and I can tell it affects her. Even though she puts up with it and assumes it's something she said/did... It's still terrible to witness the situation... Also, I feel relieved when she leaves but also a bit sad. Not sure if it's the disappointment in myself for not conquering my fears... The more I write the more I realise how much of an indecisive douche I seem. I can't believe she might genuinely be interested. And even if so, I can't imagine how she wouldn't be disappointed in me later on. But at the same time, she seems so untameable at times I am not sure I can handle her energy. I guess I am forcing myself in the catch 22 of remaining forever unknowing... And I will probably be beating myself in a few years' time when I know better... Also I forgot to mention that I turned her down initially but I also declined two of her other offers to go to some concerts with friends. So basically, I feel that there is no way I can make this up now? It's like a triple rejection really? I've even made it seem like I can't be bother to be friends with her. Burning my own bridges I guess!

ok stop ranting now! Thanks again for all the input. You guys are great.