"You think too much."

Post Reply New Topic

Does anyone else get this? I've explained how I'm aspergers and it didn't seem to bother him. Maybe it does now.

I've been dating someone for a little under a year, and he's very critical of me "over thinking" things. The thing is, I'd like to post some examples of our interactions and see if he's right or... just being a jerk:

him: you're better than all the other girls I've been with and you're the second person in my life to make me think past now and into the future.
me: you really don't have to say romantic things to get me to like you. I already like you.
him: you think too much. I wasn't trying to be romantic! we haven't known each other longer enough.

Ok. Did I hurt his feelings, so he tried to cover for it? Or, sigh, am I overthinking it? Thing is, I meet guys who act like I *need* to hear affirmations or promises. I don't. It actually bothers me a lot, because I KNOW I'll take them "too seriously."

Too this.
Too that.
Too too too.
I don't think too much, dangit--YOU don't think enough!

Feel like pulling my hair out! I'm just going to live in the mountains with the bears now! Bye!

Was that example recent? I mean, does he think 'dating for over a year' isn't 'long enough' to say romantic things?

I'd guess he was trying to be romantic, you hurt his pride, and he tired to cover. Because I think to most people, what he said comes across as romantic. He wanted to say something sweet, but you obviously don't care for that. Have you talked about this with him? Hopefully some communication on the matter, even some 'where I'm coming from' ground rules (for want of a better term) would clear things up.

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. It's not that I don't want it--I don't need it. I find that sometimes people say these things and I'm trying *very* hard not to get too excited and scare them off. I don't hide my emotions well, so for someone to act like I'm there world REALLY affects me.

It's not like he said "nice shoes" and I went out and bought 20 more pairs like them. He said I was special. When I tried to tell him I felt the same way, he just kept saying I was over thinking.

No, it was last week. I think it's been about 10 months now. Oh well. Maybe I messed up another relationship. He's been more distant since then.

Maybe he was trying to give you a compliment and he got hurt when you didn't take it well?

Sigh. I'll never get it right.

Sometimes, we ALL don't get it right. Don't knock yourself over this.

He didn't have to say romantic things; he felt like saying romantic things, in my opinion.

He enjoys being romantic, and wishes you would be romantic, too.

Sometimes these sorts of sentiments aren't as much for your benefit as they are for his. He feels a certain way, and he wants to express that to you. I think he's trying to let you know what kind of an impact you're having on him as opposed to getting you to like him.

I think he was hoping you'd respond by saying something similar about him. It creates a bit of a moment when two people express how they feel about each other.

lol, sorry had to giggle as i get this all the time, not just when i was in a relationship, even the other day someone said i think too much! i just tell them, 'You dont know the half of it!', I am aware it is an integral part of who i am and is unlikely to ever change, the only thing that might change in that department is maybe not airing things as frequently, but then the paradox sets in in the realization im again trying to please others and am having to restrain myself from just being me... However i do realize there are sometimes where despite things needing to be said, there is sometimes a time and a place for that... but i also sometimes get a giggle oput of it, as some persume im not of high intellect and then i will go on a 30 mins philosophical discussion and they are left with their jaws dropped saying that was pretty deep, again my response is''' I havent even scratched the surface on those thoughts'. I like being me despite the hardships that entail being me... Always trying to better myself, sometimes i get it right and sometimes i dont, but i dont give up, i keep trying

People are ALWAYS accusing me of "overthinking" things.

To which I respond that it's all a matter of perspective. From my perspective, other people UNDERthink things!

What NTs call "overthinking" is just a normal way of life for me. I don't know how to be any other way. So I identify with what you are saying.

It sounds like he was just trying to give you a sincere compliment and making himself vulnerable by stating his true feelings, but you mistakenly thought he was just saying fake empty romantic sweet nothings to butter you up.

Then, when you reacted in a way he didn't expect, he panicked and issued a hasty disclaimer saying that he wasn't trying to be romantic because he hadn't known you long enough.

It sounds as though he is having an internal struggle. One side of him is feeling romantic feelings for you but he feels vulnerable and anxious about opening up and confessing those feelings. The reason he feels vulnerable and anxious is because the other side of him (the rational side) is reasoning with himself that you probably do not yet feel the same way and he might scare you off if he comes across as too eager, so he's telling himself sensibly "it's too early to be confessing these sorts of feelings. You will scare her off. Better be careful and not say those things yet". However, his impulsive emotional side won against the rational cautious side, so he went ahead and said those things to you anyway.

(This is just my opinion. It is what I have decided was probably going through his mind. However, I may be completely and totally wrong, since, being autistic, I have an unfortunate history of totally misinterpreting people's thoughts and motives and messing things up on a monumental scale. So don't take my word for it. I could be totally wrong!! !! !!)

Agreed. Unless you are a person who can't take compliments and hates them and feels awkward and embarrassed (in which case you might have difficulty holding down a romantic relationship) a better way to deal with it next time might be to:

1. Ask him to elaborate and ask him for more information about the compliments he has to say about you. Show him that you are INTERESTED in what he has to say about you, rather than shutting him down.

Then,

2. Reciprocate his compliments with some of your own about him.

Example:

him: (vulnerable, testing the waters) you're better than all the other girls I've been with and you're the second person in my life to make me think past now and into the future.
me: (delighted, shy) Oh, wow. Really? In what way am I better?
him:(relieved that you haven't told him it's too soon to be complimenting you) Lists all the ways he thinks you are marvellous.
you: Oh, wow. I'm so glad you feel that way about me. Thank you for telling me that.

[slight interlude for soppy affectionate kisses / hugs / tearful romantic moment]

At this point you should RECIPROCATE. Nobody likes people who will take compliments but doesn't dish them out.

you: it's so amazing that you feel that way about me, because I feel that way about you, too.
him: (relieved) Oh really? In what way?
you (elaborating on your compliment) Tell him all the specific things you like about him.


Generally speaking, keeping an even balance is a necessary thing to do in a relationship so that resentment does not build up in either party.*

So the next time your man pays you a compliment, thank him, and give him one in return.

*Hollow laugh: listen to me. I sound like I'm pretending to be the expert on How to Have a Relationship. I'm not. My relationships end badly. People hate me and say I'm annoying and overthink things, etc. I have the same problems as you. I wish you well in navigating the minefield of confusion, anxiety, and misunderstandings that is Trying to Have a Relationship!