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Online dating is pointless as a guy

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lidsmichelle
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31 Aug 2016, 1:07 pm

Hopper wrote:
Men pick which women to message, and the women they message then pick which men to respond to.

Women pick which men to message, and the men they message pick which women to respond to.

I think one's approach on dating sites depends on two things.

1. What you want.

2. What you want the ones you want to want (ideally you, or some version of you that is within easy change) and your ability to convey this.

A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.

This. And most people can tell when you're using that approach. It's obvious. I can tell someone actually at least skimmed my profile when they message me and actually say something I mentioned there. I've literally had people ask my name when it's the very first thing stated on my profile.

Like maybe there's people desperate enough to date someone who literally has shown so little interest in them that they haven't even bothered reading the very first line on their profile, but most people are not.

And I'm sorry but I absolutely can't date boring people. I don't have to be nice and message someone back who I think is boring. I loathe boring people. I don't even want to talk to them or be their friend, much less date them.


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31 Aug 2016, 3:15 pm

lidsmichelle wrote:
Hopper wrote:
Men pick which women to message, and the women they message then pick which men to respond to.

Women pick which men to message, and the men they message pick which women to respond to.

I think one's approach on dating sites depends on two things.

1. What you want.

2. What you want the ones you want to want (ideally you, or some version of you that is within easy change) and your ability to convey this.

A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.

This. And most people can tell when you're using that approach. It's obvious. I can tell someone actually at least skimmed my profile when they message me and actually say something I mentioned there. I've literally had people ask my name when it's the very first thing stated on my profile.

Like maybe there's people desperate enough to date someone who literally has shown so little interest in them that they haven't even bothered reading the very first line on their profile, but most people are not.

And I'm sorry but I absolutely can't date boring people. I don't have to be nice and message someone back who I think is boring. I loathe boring people. I don't even want to talk to them or be their friend, much less date them.


This is the funniest (and truest) thing I've seen all day. :)



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31 Aug 2016, 4:49 pm

Aspiegrrrl wrote:
Hopper wrote:
A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.


I don't think any first email from any total stranger on any dating site could possibly aim to make me feel special and valued. That's also not what I look for in a first email.


I wasn't necessarily suggesting it should make you (or anyone) feel 'special and valued', but that it in some way resonate with one's self image. A sense of sympathy, of recognition, of being understood. In my experience, this can't really be faked, but it can't help come through where there is a meaningful fit with the other person.

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To me, online profiles provide enough d tail to either repulse me completely or consider corresponding with the person to obtain more info.


Fair enough. Most people not being as obsessive and weird about their profile as I was about mine, I also based judgement on what they said to me. Someone with a scant profile, and with nothing more to say to me than 'hi how are you?' - no. Just, no. But, a scant profile and an interesting conversational opener - well, yes.


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Jacoby
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31 Aug 2016, 5:32 pm

Playing a numbers game seems pretty sad and desperate, yeah you can message 100 women but how could you be attracted a 100 different women especially when so many women on these sites barely have anything on their profiles? (they don't need to so they get responses) Probably would have better luck on Tinder if you can do that. It would be better and more fruitful if women initiated contact on these dating sites I think but that just doesn't happen in our culture. It's interesting to read what other people put down, I see the women's profiles which are interesting altho I am curious as to what my competition is writing too. I just don't have the self-esteem or confidence to get into a relationship online or off really, don't know what you can do about that other than try to improve yourself but honestly that can make me feel more depressed since you're just that much closer and that divide is just that more evident. I guess one of the problems with being "broken" in this sense is that you still keep on living and functioning, you still have the same wants and desires but the disability leaves you totally isolated.



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31 Aug 2016, 5:39 pm

People tend to be flakes online. Not all, but most. Higher success rates indicate playing to your strengths, what are they? In my own case I'm unmotivated for some reason and stuck. :lol:

I'm really good at realizing what the probelm is most times however due to some unseen powerful force I cannot for the life of me point myself in the right direction.

Good luck to you man, Sometimes desperation can give you a result but don't settle for just anything. 8)


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31 Aug 2016, 6:58 pm

lidsmichelle wrote:
Hopper wrote:
Men pick which women to message, and the women they message then pick which men to respond to.

Women pick which men to message, and the men they message pick which women to respond to.

I think one's approach on dating sites depends on two things.

1. What you want.

2. What you want the ones you want to want (ideally you, or some version of you that is within easy change) and your ability to convey this.

A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.


This. And most people can tell when you're using that approach. It's obvious. I can tell someone actually at least skimmed my profile when they message me and actually say something I mentioned there. I've literally had people ask my name when it's the very first thing stated on my profile.

Like maybe there's people desperate enough to date someone who literally has shown so little interest in them that they haven't even bothered reading the very first line on their profile, but most people are not.

And I'm sorry but I absolutely can't date boring people. I don't have to be nice and message someone back who I think is boring. I loathe boring people. I don't even want to talk to them or be their friend, much less date them.


My profile mentioned, in passing, my love of twilight, the time of day. I had more than one message from women who'd clearly done a search for 'Twilight' the film/book series and then, without reading profiles, sent out copy-paste 'Hi! Wow! I can't believe a man likes Twilight!' messages. I don't need that.

It was a struggle to find women who held my interest enough for me to contact. Sometimes it would be 'I absolutely must talk to this person', and sometimes 'it could be shite, or it could really fly. I'll write and see what happens'. I can't imagine just lobbing lots of balls in the hope of hitting a coconut or three, figuratively speaking. What would one even talk about? It's madness!


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Of course, it's probably quite a bit more complicated than that.

You know sometimes, between the dames and the horses, I don't even know why I put my hat on.


sly279
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31 Aug 2016, 11:55 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Aspiegrrrl wrote:
Hopper wrote:
Men pick which women to message, and the women they message then pick which men to respond to.

Women pick which men to message, and the men they message pick which women to respond to.

I think one's approach on dating sites depends on two things.

1. What you want.

2. What you want the ones you want to want (ideally you, or some version of you that is within easy change) and your ability to convey this.

A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.


I don't think any first email from any total stranger on any dating site could possibly aim to make me feel special and valued. That's also not what I look for in a first email.

To me, online profiles provide enough d tail to either repulse me completely or consider corresponding with the person to obtain more info.



Well perhaps it was just a coincidence but most short messages I got came from guys with little to no info on their profile about them. On a couple occasions I messaged back people who did have more on profiles, but that usually just turned into them seeming to have nothing to say and me trying to strain to come up with stuff to keep the conversation going which was exhausting...So I gave up on those when it seemed to me they'd never initiate anything or contribute to decision making as far as activites to do and such.

I'd be a wreck if all that was up to me all the time. So perhaps I was also looking for someone who showed they were a bit better at initiation and decisions. So I certainly probably have some bais against the short message approach, especially if one is expecting the girl they message to do all the talking I mean it's frustrating to feel like you're fighting to keep an interaction going.



That's what guys have to do most of the time. I'm starting to feel I just dont have anything in common with any women. If I don't start conversations then nothing happens but they make no effort and I start to feel bad and worry if I'm just pestering them.



Aspiegrrrl
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01 Sep 2016, 12:40 pm

sly279 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Aspiegrrrl wrote:
Hopper wrote:
Men pick which women to message, and the women they message then pick which men to respond to.

Women pick which men to message, and the men they message pick which women to respond to.

I think one's approach on dating sites depends on two things.

1. What you want.

2. What you want the ones you want to want (ideally you, or some version of you that is within easy change) and your ability to convey this.

A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.


I don't think any first email from any total stranger on any dating site could possibly aim to make me feel special and valued. That's also not what I look for in a first email.

To me, online profiles provide enough d tail to either repulse me completely or consider corresponding with the person to obtain more info.



Well perhaps it was just a coincidence but most short messages I got came from guys with little to no info on their profile about them. On a couple occasions I messaged back people who did have more on profiles, but that usually just turned into them seeming to have nothing to say and me trying to strain to come up with stuff to keep the conversation going which was exhausting...So I gave up on those when it seemed to me they'd never initiate anything or contribute to decision making as far as activites to do and such.

I'd be a wreck if all that was up to me all the time. So perhaps I was also looking for someone who showed they were a bit better at initiation and decisions. So I certainly probably have some bais against the short message approach, especially if one is expecting the girl they message to do all the talking I mean it's frustrating to feel like you're fighting to keep an interaction going.



That's what guys have to do most of the time. I'm starting to feel I just dont have anything in common with any women. If I don't start conversations then nothing happens but they make no effort and I start to feel bad and worry if I'm just pestering them.


I used internet dating sites to meet guys IRL. If they weren't interested in meeting in person within a week or so, I was no longer interested. Pen pals wasn't what I was seeking. You could consider including a question in the message, so it'd be easier for the girl to write you back, maybe referencing something in her profile (like her fave book if she likes to read).



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13 Sep 2016, 5:11 am

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Sweetleaf
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13 Sep 2016, 11:34 am

Aspiegrrrl wrote:
I used internet dating sites to meet guys IRL. If they weren't interested in meeting in person within a week or so, I was no longer interested. Pen pals wasn't what I was seeking. You could consider including a question in the message, so it'd be easier for the girl to write you back, maybe referencing something in her profile (like her fave book if she likes to read).



That is sort of how I viewed it as well.


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13 Sep 2016, 11:35 am

sly279 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Aspiegrrrl wrote:
Hopper wrote:
Men pick which women to message, and the women they message then pick which men to respond to.

Women pick which men to message, and the men they message pick which women to respond to.

I think one's approach on dating sites depends on two things.

1. What you want.

2. What you want the ones you want to want (ideally you, or some version of you that is within easy change) and your ability to convey this.

A man whose (say, short and generic) messages seem to suggest he's taking a scattergun approach in search of A Girlfriend may not be taken to kindly by women who do not want to simply be A Girlfriend, and/but are hoping to in some way to be picked out for qualities they see and value in themselves (most of them, indeed most people, I'd guess). On the other hand, if he happens upon a woman who wants A Boyfriend and has so far had little interest, he may find a successful match, and they can try and build a relationship on the foundation of their mutual fear of being alone and so willing to be with pretty much anyone.


I don't think any first email from any total stranger on any dating site could possibly aim to make me feel special and valued. That's also not what I look for in a first email.

To me, online profiles provide enough d tail to either repulse me completely or consider corresponding with the person to obtain more info.



Well perhaps it was just a coincidence but most short messages I got came from guys with little to no info on their profile about them. On a couple occasions I messaged back people who did have more on profiles, but that usually just turned into them seeming to have nothing to say and me trying to strain to come up with stuff to keep the conversation going which was exhausting...So I gave up on those when it seemed to me they'd never initiate anything or contribute to decision making as far as activites to do and such.

I'd be a wreck if all that was up to me all the time. So perhaps I was also looking for someone who showed they were a bit better at initiation and decisions. So I certainly probably have some bais against the short message approach, especially if one is expecting the girl they message to do all the talking I mean it's frustrating to feel like you're fighting to keep an interaction going.



That's what guys have to do most of the time. I'm starting to feel I just dont have anything in common with any women. If I don't start conversations then nothing happens but they make no effort and I start to feel bad and worry if I'm just pestering them.


Well doesn't change what I experienced any...in sending quick coppy/paste messages guys probably miss out on females who don't like that approach.


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15 Sep 2016, 1:15 am

annygrant wrote:
Honestly, I don't understand students on dating sites, as they can interact with hundreds of young people everyday. Online dating works perfectly for the guys and ladies with low self esteem. I tried it out too and even managed to set a few dates via asiandate.com service. Though I still prefer offline dating...


Then honestly you here are while you don't understand Autism nor any other condition that causes social ineptness such as social anxiety, phobia..etc.



Aspiegrrrl
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15 Sep 2016, 10:49 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
annygrant wrote:
Honestly, I don't understand students on dating sites, as they can interact with hundreds of young people everyday. Online dating works perfectly for the guys and ladies with low self esteem. I tried it out too and even managed to set a few dates via asiandate.com service. Though I still prefer offline dating...


Then honestly you here are while you don't understand Autism nor any other condition that causes social ineptness such as social anxiety, phobia..etc.


It's another way to meet people. Can't see the harm in students meeting others IRL and online.



Sometime World
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27 Feb 2017, 7:40 am

Glad Im not the only guy, Asperger's or NT that gets abysmal online results. I get maybe 4 morbidly obese women with cropped hair, black rimmed glasses message a year. I'm not obese. I get a reply rate of maybe 1 in 200 average women I message replies back, and then they end up flaking.

How women are getting treated online is also transcending to their behaviour offline and has been for 15 years. Your run-of-the-mill 5 to 6/10 looking young woman today gets endless attention online that she literally behaves like she's of celebrity status offline. She thinks she's 3 to 4 points higher than she is and that her male friends on facebook, instagram etc are her paparazzi. Not all but a lot of them, especially the younger people born post 1990 who were brought up online. I spoke to a slim average young woman, around age 22, on her Univeristy gap year about "how she finds it here?" whilst we were doing volunteer work recently, and it was though I had just committed a sexual offense. She was soon onto her friend on the smart phone talking about this "creepy guy" (me) when I wasn't creepy at all. I just sparked up a conversation / was being friendly. Supercilious as hell. There all narcissists.


Sidenote. I see in this thread and others complaining about online dating everyone is telling guys like "just work on yourself" and the "girls will come". Granted a man has a job, paying rent or owns his own home, not in debt, not fat, has interesting hobbies, then why does he need to work on himself any more? He should work on himself until xx age (65! by which time he's to old and ugly) just to potentially meet women's threshold of acceptable? It shouldnt be that rigged. Even then, why should an unemployed Asperger girl think she is better than a unemployed Asperger guy with anxiety?

19 year old male students need to work on themselves a hella a lot, as do 19 year old female students, so why are women dating 19 year old male students? (they are I see them dating in my city).

Personally I think "just work on yourself" is a common male shaming language to mean "your unattractive looking". Its a nicer way of a woman telling you your not her type, so I wouldn't take it seriously.


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27 Feb 2017, 8:03 am

There is so much truth in this thread I nearly had a stroke. So many women with atrocious, childish, self-centred profiles who you wouldn't even feel inclined to approach irl are inundated with every Tom, Dick and Harry within a 50 mile radius and have gained an enormous ego out of it. Girls who would probably be pleased you approached them in real life 30 years ago before the internet might not even message you back on these sites because they have 50+ dudes all white knighting them a day. I also have noticed how "average body type" online actually means chubster or obese lmao :wink: .


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27 Feb 2017, 8:20 am

Sometime World wrote:
Even then, why should an unemployed Asperger girl think she is better than a unemployed Asperger guy with anxiety?

Because she can find a date and a guy can't. Similar to the market economics, it's not really rigged, just not fair always fair.