Am I morally obligated to tell a partner about any AS?

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DJKhaleedBRjan
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03 Oct 2016, 10:50 am

Even though autism is a hereditary disease I would prefer to keep all of these things solely confidential. I'm pretty sure the average woman would be repulsed by somebody with autism. I can't think of any way that a mental disability would be fun or appealing for any woman to be aware of in a relationship. I would also like to have children one day but I have a fear in the back of my mind that they will end up ruined like me and that I will have tainted the human gene pool or something like that.



The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Oct 2016, 10:59 am

If you are not officially diagnosed then no, you can take this secret with you to your grave.



MissAlgernon
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03 Oct 2016, 11:01 am

Dishonesty is the best way to wreck a relationship.
Your partner is going to notice your autistic traits sooner or later and freak out very badly if you never told her about them before. So, you'll have to be honest, preferably sooner than later. Unless if you don't mind having only short-term relationships.



DJKhaleedBRjan
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03 Oct 2016, 11:23 am

Yes I have an actual diagnosis from several doctors. But I see the point that if the relationship is long term and more intimate, it would be more appropriate to disclose this type of fact. Hopefully there would be a precedent of trust and understanding that would make them not hate me as much for being that way. I am afraid of being rejected on this basis. I try to think about what I would think or say if I were a woman and a man with autism was interested in me. When I put myself in that other person's shoes I start to think of a lot of negative things and it gets pretty discouraging.

And on the flipside, if it's just a fling or something I don't see lasting then I can just never mention that and pretend it doesn't exist (like what I usually do in my life 8) )



Soulsparrer
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03 Oct 2016, 11:28 am

One, having AS doesn't mean you're "ruined", that's a pretty self-depreciating mindest, plus the idea that anyone with a mental condition shouldn't breed at all sounds eugenical.

Two, I wouldn't say you're "obligated to" but if you're intentionally trying to hide it from everyone I don't think that's a good idea, plus if you consider your partner so untrustworthy that simply being slapped with a "diagnosis" means they'd walk out on you, then they probably aren't the type of person worth dating to begin with.



MissAlgernon
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03 Oct 2016, 11:31 am

I think it's a good compromise. Telling the truth if / when things start getting serious. Sure, there's the risk of being rejected, but if it happens, it shows that this woman doesn't accept you for what you are, so she's not worth it. Better know it sooner than later, when it would cause much more damage and heartbreak.



DJKhaleedBRjan
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03 Oct 2016, 11:51 am

I would like to if possible prevent more people being like me and having to go through what I did. It would be very irresponsible and morally wrong of me not to do something if I was able to.

Secondly, I'm fairly certain that any mental problem is a red flag or major turn-off for any woman worth a damn. I totally bet autism turns girls on, they definitely think "aw yeah this ret*d is so hot." (this is all sarcastic btw). And any plans to have kids now have major complications. If she doesn't want kids with me she can screw off.

I feel like I am caught between morality and nature; doing the right thing of containing my poison vs my natural want to be with a girl.



kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2016, 12:04 pm

Autism is not fully hereditary. Many times, there's no family history.

I don't feel it's necessary to tell, unless you become exclusive lovers.

It's not necessarily a tragedy to have an autistic child. Many people succeed, either because or despite their autism.



MissAlgernon
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03 Oct 2016, 12:13 pm

DJKhaleedBRjan wrote:
I would like to if possible prevent more people being like me and having to go through what I did. It would be very irresponsible and morally wrong of me not to do something if I was able to.

Secondly, I'm fairly certain that any mental problem is a red flag or major turn-off for any woman worth a damn. I totally bet autism turns girls on, they definitely think "aw yeah this ret*d is so hot." (this is all sarcastic btw). And any plans to have kids now have major complications. If she doesn't want kids with me she can screw off.

I feel like I am caught between morality and nature; doing the right thing of containing my poison vs my natural want to be with a girl.


The thing is, you can't take a decision at the woman's place. It's up to her, and to her only, as an adult person, to decide if she wants to be with someone on the autistic spectrum or not.
Alternative choice : not 100% of women are NT (so if ever you want to choose somebody who has AS, why not ?). And among NT women, some have a more "AS-friendly" personality than others. By "AS-friendly", I don't mean that they're cool with AS, I just mean that they're emotionally compatible with someone with AS. Sure, they aren't very common, but they do exist.



whatamievendoing
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03 Oct 2016, 12:13 pm

MissAlgernon wrote:
Dishonesty is the best way to wreck a relationship.


I whole-heartedly agree with this.


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Chichikov
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03 Oct 2016, 1:46 pm

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that this isn't a troll thread, but it's a slim margin.

Are you morally obliged? That's a tricky question...whose morals are we judging this against? If I had to put money on it, I'd say you probably do. If you should, however, like all moral choices is up to you.

My own personal take on it is that I wouldn't tell them right away for the reasons that you've already stated. Why start them off with a negative view of you? You're simply giving yourself a steeper hill to climb. As for the long term, even if you don't tell her she is probably going to know something is different about you, and unless you have confessed to her what that is, she might just come to her own conclusions that you're simply a jerk. Even if you tell her you have ASD she might still dump you (as is her right) but at least you have a better chance as it gives her something she can work with and it gives her a better informed choice as to if this is something that is a deal breaker or something she is willing to work around. Without telling her you lose that opportunity.

I'd say it's still totally up to you though, I know I wouldn't judge anyone who keeps ASD a secret, as I haven't even told my family and it's nothing I feel guilty about.



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03 Oct 2016, 3:42 pm

I don't think you are morally obliged to, but you probably should. It's important to know your partner will accept such an important part of you, before you take the relationship further.



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03 Oct 2016, 5:03 pm

As an NT I don't think you are . . . . . .it is part of who you are as an individual. I am someone who is a vegetarian, a liberal, experience depression, slightly warped humour . . . . . .i don't expect to "disclose" all these traits they are simply part of whom I am. Someone will find out or notice during the course of a relationship. However I don't see autism as necessarily a disability just a different way of being . . . Although having said that realising it was part of the picture with my special friend enabled me to understand and research so I could be a "better" friend and have an understanding of neurodiversity . . . .



DJKhaleedBRjan
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03 Oct 2016, 7:57 pm

I think that from a realistic standpoint something like AS would be a major deal breaker to any pretty lady. I guess the way I see it is I wouldn't tell the girl until I knew her for a couple years and it would be mandatory for her to know by marriage?

I don't mind if the people I leave in the dark might think I am rude, hurtful or insensitive. Because in my opinion having a simple character flaw is a lot less concerning than an actual disability. For the majority of people that's easier to accept and I have to unfortunately deal with that fact of life.



Jacoby
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03 Oct 2016, 10:32 pm

Pretty much any disability is a deal breaker with most people as there is extreme prejudice against it, the only reason people publicly oppose eugenics is because it has a bad reputation for genocide but the desire to remove undesirables from the gene pool still remains in a large percentage of the population.

I wouldn't say there is any moral obligation to disclose, I wouldn't tell someone unless I felt they knew what I was talking about anyways and if they did then they'd probably figure it out on their own. I don't see the upside in it unless the person is knowledgeable, only the potential for bad.



Synth.osx
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04 Oct 2016, 5:31 am

There is a prejudice against disabled people but in the case of Autism, there are popular characters that fit the stereotype in mainstream media. Mutual understanding is important to a relationship and if you are constantly wearing a mask to hide your traits, you will find it exhausting over time.