Question: Regretting the end of a romantic relationship

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I broke up with my boyfriend who I believe to have Aspergers. It was followed by immediate regret because he told me that he was trying very hard, yet I didn't feel that he was. I took it back, and met a women with Aspergers herself, that confirmed his peculiar ways were signs of Aspergers, and not to break up because of them. A week later, he ended up breaking up with me, but I miss him so much, and now that I understand more the way that his mind works, that his communication style and other things that bothered me didn't really. He did get a stupid roommate that became so involved in our relationship, I believe that the arguing and the influence of that idiot is what pushed him over the edge, him seeing me as a person that brought un needed drama into his life. My question is this: He is very resolute in his decision making. He has told me that he does not want a romantic relationship with anyone, at all, and that he wants to focus on work and his son. (He is divorced with a 7 year old). I want to know if there is anyway of him changing his mind and falling back in love with me. (If he were). I really love him, but I know that the friend that moved in has known him for 10 years, and he and I have only been together for 6 months. I want him to love me and want to be with me again, to enjoy me...but how realistic is that? He told me point blank that he doesn't want to put in the work required to have a relationship. Please, someone help. I am broken hearted and confused that he could go from loving me and talking to me daily, to not really wanting to even talk to me.

No doubt he is going to value a relationship that has lasted 10 years very much. Is that his only friend, or does he have a small circle of friends? Is there no way to mend the bridge between you and his friend? I don't have any advice in mending your relationship or if you should but I wish you the best.

He has a small circle...that particular friend just moved back here from being away for four years. His closest friend and I had never met, but we were planning a big trip in March. One of his close friends I really like, and I hope that he likes me. I am going to call him tomorrow. They all worked together starting 10 years ago. I despise the friend that moved in with him. He talks all of the time, and demanded so much of his time, away from me. It was ridiculous. The rest of his friends are married with kids, so they talk, etc., but not literally like trying to be his girlfriend. I don't want to be friends with him, he ruined my relationship. Hopefully I can get some clarity from Kevin, and Kevin is not two faced and will speak highly of me to John. It's sad that the time constitutes the loyalty. I think that I had my ex's back more than that loser...who was only staying there until he himself found a woman. It really hurts my feelings to know that he could choose him over me, but I love him...and I understand better why he does the things that he does. Thanks for responding.

If he is truly on the spectrum he has likely experienced much rejection so if someone is in your life for a long time and still wants to be around you, well let's just say friendships are few and far between. I know from experience I have inadvertently caused heartache for my 2 friends in this world. This is of course just speculation, only he could tell you the type of relationship he has with this guy.

I would like to make one point for you to think on. First off, again this is pure speculation. There is a high probability he is logic driven. Meaning, he makes his decisions more based on logic than emotion, this is not to say, he does not feel emotion, but rather the logical choice is the preferred route in life decisions. So I ask you, does this sound like him? Did you ask him to stop being friends with a loyal friend or stop spending time with this friend so he would spend more time with you?

You are exactly right about the logic aspect. He is totally logic driven, and it sucks because there is little to no emotion anymore. I didn't ask him to stop being friends with the stupid jerk, who is not really a good friend, because just because he's single and miserable, why would you want that for your friend...because as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he will leave John. But me and the guy did argue all of the time, and I did make it a point to John that my son and I ranked higher in his life than that "friend" that he's known for 10 years, but hasn't seen in 4 years. I didn't directly ask him to stop being friends with him...but I did express to him that I am his girlfriend that has loved him, his kid and his dogs for the last six months. I did his laundry, and was really good too him...when his friend came, he wanted independence and didn't need me for anything. Besides that, his friend and I argued...he was completely wrong, always prying into why I felt the way that I felt...then would raise his voice. John hates confrontation, and as a result, told me that our relationship was causing too much stress, he would rather not deal with it at the end of a long day.

Just because he is logic driven doesn't mean there isn't a storm of emotion going on necessarily. Do you know if this friend of his, is on the spectrum as well? What do they bond over? Do you share a common bond over your now ex's special interests if he has any? As much as it hurts the advice about moving on is likely the best choice. I can make assumptions all day long, but only he can explain his actions to a satisfactory degree. What you must accept is his thought process is foreign to your own, so how he came to the conclusion this was what he wanted only he will be able to answer the reasoning.

This may be a long shot, but this is what I'd do:

Start dating his friend.

His friend literally disgusts me, and I wouldn't introduce him to date any enemy of mine. His role in the demise of the relationship with the man that I love hurts me greatly, and I don't even want to see his face or think of him. Thanks for the advice though, I hope you were joking.

I'm afraid that is the case. I actually couldn't help but go to his house today under some false pretense. He is really done with me, and didn't want to even hug me...let alone allow me to sit on his lap while we talked, as we used to. His reasoning is that we are not in a relationship. Anyway, It hurts like all get out, but I'm afraid that His "love" for me has run its course, and the best thing for me to do is to forget A. how cute he is B. how he used to look at me with joy and excitement C. forget what seemed to be good times until the fateful day that it ended. I'm thinking back to a few previous conversations and he is actually using some of the things that I said as his defense against being in a relationship. I don't know how it will happen, but I have to move past it, knowing that I am worth more than he thinks. I was single, by choice, for many years because of the fear of having my heart broken. That breakup was a lot harder, because we were together for so long, but at least I could understand his reasoning. This is frustrating because even though relationships require work, especially with kids involved, I know that I am worth it, and was good to him...too fast too soon was another reason he gave...but it takes two to tangle...besides that, we didn't have many common interests, but really enjoyed learning about the interests of one another. I am very interested in building and making things, and he is very skilled and taught me things. I knocked out a wall in is house. He taught me to cut grass...I also love nutrition and the bible, and he enjoyed learning more about the bible, and was pretty nutritious himself. Anyway, it could've worked, but didn't. Thank you for all of your advice. Sad to face, but pointless to continue to love someone who shows you no interest.

So he is so repulsive, he makes you sick? That seems pretty extreme, did you feel that way before he drove a wedge between you and your boyfriend or as a result from the heartache he has caused? This makes me sad knowing I have no doubt cause undue stress on my friends relationships. Unknowingly so and wondering why the whole time clueless as to what I did to create trouble. I am thankful they didn't discard me but sad for the trouble I have caused.

I am sorry for your loss. Best of luck in your future.

Thank you...just glad to know what to look for before I choose to date someone with Aspies...it's not easy, and who knows what the future holds, but I don't think I could be with someone again that can shut love on and off emotionally.

I am so sorry about your breakup, and how badly it ended, but let me reassure you that not all Aspies act this way. So please, don't judge them all by the actions of one. Sometimes, people do things that have nothing to do with Aspergers, they are just being a jerk, just as the rest of the human race is proned to being from time to time. I wish you much luck.

I'm only somewhat joking. A couple of things--I wonder if your disgust isn't out of some sexual tension you might not be ready to admit to just yet.

The other thing is if you start dating his friend, that will put you in constant contact with your ex-bf. And because the friend will, in a manner of speaking, have one or your ex's things and be flaunting that right in front of him, it will make your ex insanely jealous and feel deeply hurt...maybe even betrayed. All that can go away if he just takes you back.

And then, of course, there's the justice angle. If you're just using the friend to get back at your ex and you really do hate the guy, you can just dump him when you get tired of him, assuming you can't get back together to with your ex.

There are, like, 3 ways you can win here.

Oh, and not that my experience is the same as yours, but I had a gf that did that to me. Made life freakin' unbearable. She started dating my college roommate after I dumped her for another girl. Let's just say me and the other girl didn't make it very far.