I wanna do things with people, but hate socializing to do it

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Hey guys, so I'm facing a bit of a dilemma here. There are so many things I wanna do with people, like museums, parks, etc. Whenever I go alone it feels like something is missing, and I know its friends. But I HATE socializing. But I understand that's how I get to do stuff like that.

For example. there's this one chick I write music with like once or twice a month, and she's a awesome friend and person, but it feels like I have to drag my feet to let her in and collaborate for even a couple of hours. Its so damn draining to my "social batteries" to just hang out for a few hours with one person. It feels like relationships of any kind are impossible to me because normal people just want to talk daily, even hourly. I can't fathom doing that, it would drive me insane (and that line of thinking, along with Elvis's example of going insane, pushed me out of making music for money because I KNOW I will have to socialize a LOT to get anywhere).

Frankly, these reasons are why I think I'll just have to give up on socializing altogether. I just don't have the extroverted nature to really connect with people on a deeper level, unless there's this 1/1,000,000 person that doesn't drive me up the wall from talking to them too much. And who knows where THAT kind of person is. Everyone else just drives me insane. I have no issues talking to people (in fact I initially can be charismatic and funny, until they get to know me better and realize I'm kinda boring and maybe creepy, I get that feeling people think that of me). Going deeper than that and having to build and constantly talk for years, I couldn't do it.

Does anyone else have this feeling and experience with this, and what did you learn to try and fix it?

Thanks!

I feel the same... and I still haven't figured out how to find the right balance between my need for aloneness and quietness and social time (which I enjoy, only in small doses). We have something called Meetup in town and folks (strangers included) meet up to do board games, go to museums, some bar/club social nights, garden shows, science-in-a-pub lectures. Some of them (I think) are on the spectrum too and I join in sometimes. My work and parenting take too much time and I can't really develop lasting friendships this way, because at some point I guess I just start neglecting people, so they drift away. Sometimes people are kind of romantically attracted and I'm not and that ruins everything. It's a minefield

You could also try volunteering with a charity for like 4 hours a week. I loved that, I organized trips for old Chinese people and they really appreciated me doing it for them (plus graphic design, posters and other things like that, shame they had no paid positions and I had to find paid work...)

Don't give up on socializing! I think it's really important for us, it's just about finding the right 'dosage', setting, and obviously - people.

Not exactly the same but I totally understand the feeling. I feel like I have a specific social 'balance' that is incompatible with most people and I can only talk to people 1-on-1. If you're that way and you find yourself in a situation where you don't have any friends and don't have any way to meet new people in a controlled environment then it feels like there's little that you can do. That's how things are for me, but I can't control this need to be around people and it's been eating me for a long time.

Sorry for the lack of advice OP but I hope you get some here!

I can't say I exactly relate to your situation, but I do see where you're coming from. I can say, however, that I'm not a particularly social person either. That and my social skills are far from perfect. Lately, though, I've come to notice that when it comes to socializing with people I know on some level, I can at least tolerate their company for a whole lot longer than I could a year or so ago. Hanging out with a specific group of people apparently works wonders.

I can totally relate. It's tough. I don't get a choice, though.

I just try to make it about the little things and practice the Golden Rule, make it more about the other person than about myself. I was at an Easter egg hunt this weekend, and this time of year is really tough on my wife. So I'm giving her some space and I found a place to sit by myself. An acquaintance walked by, we exchanged hellos, all the usual polite stuff and all, and the conversation wasn't really going anywhere. So I mentioned school is running out fast, and asked if they have any big plans for the summer. Next thing I know, I'm hearing all about his artist friend he's staying with in Miami, how he's from New York (Greenwich Village) and converted an old fire station into an artist studio.

It's not so much that I care. It's that he cares about it and is excited to hang out in Miami with his buddy. And he and his family have been super nice to my family and the least I can do is sit and listen to him talk for a few minutes.

A lot of times I'm just more of a social loafer. I'll hang out and just listen to people talk, whether I'm invited or not. Creepy, I know. But when you can remember parts of conversations and bring them back up later, it endears you to people. Get your timing just right, and they'll just talk their little heads off. They just love the sound of their own voices. Just my opinion, of course, but discovering little things like that has really helped me broaden my social arena. I'm no genius at it. I'm not even really good at it. But it has gone a long way to get me past some of my anxieties and start connecting with people in ways I wouldn't have before.

I am currently trying to join up with this local Autism house in Houston to volunteer and teach people there some guitar (which is a passion of mine). I am getting on that, but I just wanted to help people, I didn't plan on socializing but I suppose that's a good place to do it.

I also hope you're right in finding the right people. There's just so few people that I feel like are worth my time in terms of being interesting and likable (maybe I'm just not a very open person) so I'm hoping that the right, 1-1,000,000 people aren't all the way in New York.

When socializing with people. I don't really like going out anywhere. Too many people and nosey at places. If with friends and family. I like staying at home or their house. Talking, eating, and watching movies. That's what I like as a social event. I don't like big nosey parties. All I'm saying is stay home and have a little friend hangout there with food and movies.

Once the social capital is gone, it's tough, that's the situation I am in now. People seem a lot less open and friendly, I'm flying blind too so I don't even try mostly. I want to do things too but depression and anxiety present huge barriers for me, I want to do things but I am not comfortable around other people or near independent enough to do things on my own like I should & want to. What the hell do people do by themselves? Do they go out to eat at a table for 1, do they go to the movies by themselves, I don't get it and there is a lot that I limit myself from because of it.

I think it's okay to go to museums and galleries by yourself.

I'm like this too. Lately though I don't assume my convivial persona; I don't have the energy anymore. So I just present as creepy from the get-go and have done with it.


I think you have to change your expectations. For example, I would never go to a movie theater for several reasons: assembly of group in enclosed space, too loud, not enough safety exits. But I like movies and I do watch them at home.
I am trying to be comfortable doing things without group reinforcement, but it's not easy.

I'm not following the change your expectations part.

At this point I'm just trying to keep myself continuing to do the basic things like go to school, seeing my(dysfunctional) family, and doing whatever chores/errands I have to do. Beyond that, I don't do much independently and just being out by myself is so draining and anxiety producing that I more often than not avoid it. I just try to 'work' on myself, it's almost all I do and think about so maybe one day I'll worthy of being somebody's friend or whatever. I don't see myself ever just doing things on my own for fun, it makes me feel worse trying to rationalize it but I know its a catch 22 because then how are you ever supposed to meet someone? Bleh, life sucks and I feel absolutely trapped in it.

Why are you thinking that life dictates that you try to meet someone? Screw that. Life dictates that you enjoy it.

Our entire existence is based on meeting people, how does one go out and just enjoy life without? If I were the last person stranded on earth, I'd probably just drink and do a lot of drugs until I died. Enjoying life is another thing that is a lot easier said than done.

Part of our existence is based on meeting people. And people are everywhere.
Life is about passing time with as little pain as possible. Just keep yourself amused.

Life doesn't hinder me from making friends, my Autism and lack of social skills does. And I can't hack it, so what am I gonna do?

Why can't you hack it? Are you bothered by loneliness? I am sometimes. I usually go shopping. The clerks are nice. I buy stuff. It's good.

I get worn out being social with friends & people in general & want to be left alone. I never even liked being social with my family but I had a high desire for a romantic relationship when I was single & I love spending time with my girlfriend. She's the one person I feel I can be my true self around.