I don't feel love & my wife is frustrated

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I don't know how many Aspergians have felt like this but in the beginning I was all excited about the relationship, I felt lust, but as time went on it wore off and I began to feel nothing.

This has been a pattern of mine for years, I've had a few girlfriends before, and they all complain after the initial phase that I don't show them love, lose intimacy and don't bother with them.

With my wife though, I continued and married her because she had a positive effect on my life, I was able to do things I was too shy or isolated to do before and it was nice to have someone to depend on.

The problem is now is that it's become too much for her. She complains about me not loving her, which I dont. It's hard to admit but I just don't feel it. But at the same time I don't want her to leave.

But I have read some websites about woman warning others to stay away from aspies listing many scenarios and reasons and the ALL ring true for my relationship. Things such as no love, no intimacy, saying cruel things to her (she's very sensitive), me wanting my routines and solitude while she does a lot of a work with the baby, me always correcting her and picking up on faults and generally picking at everything she does (I try not to but I struggle).

So then I think it must be horrible for her, after reading these woman's accounts, and I think she deserves more. It think she deserves intimacy, emotion and love.

I've tried changing but we can never see eye to eye. Any time together involves a fight, usually from me saying the wrong thing.

What do you think about NTs running from Aspies? Is it fair on them? She says she didn't sign up for this and that I've changed which I suppose I have as she's started to see the real me.

2 of the websites I've referenced are:

http://heartlessaspergers.com

http://rantrampage.com/9387/ASPERGERS=HELL.html

Tell her you want to keep her in your life.

Ask her what she wants and needs to feel loved.

Take the conversation from there.

Just being asked will make her feel a lot better, but you need to follow through and maintain the relationship.

In addition:

Try giving her a list of 5 things you do to show that you care.

Well it is kind of selfish to expect her to stick around if you don't feel love towards her. Also, she does a lot of caring for the baby and probably housework and in return you just pick at her and always correct her and say cruel things? That's really not cool at all, I mean how would you feel if she did that to you? But she should stay because you like having someone to depend on?

What exactly is she getting out of it then? I mean you either need to address some of this and really, really work on some of that instead of just resigning yourself to it or let her go. I mean aspergers doesn't make you open your mouth to say cruel things or force you to constantly correct and pick at other people...sure these are issues people with aspergers can have due to maybe not being aware something might be mean to say or having a hard time with people doing things differently than you would but you can certainly be aware of it and work on it. If you say something that really hurts her feelings that you didn't realize would, tell her your sorry and try to avoid saying things like it in the future for instance. Also if you feel like nagging maybe just don't...I myself sometimes get a little naggy but I try not to but like for instance my boyfriend might be cooking and I might start trying to correct him on how to do it or have him do it my way so sometimes he has to remind me I am not the one cooking and I can do it my way when I want to make something and I try and be more mindful of my correcty tendencies.

Either way I suspect she'll want you to work on this and make some changes if she is to stick around, if she is even still willing to give that chance. Also though are you sure you don't love her? I mean do you feel like you want to try and do whatever it takes to keep her specifically around...or would you be just as happy with someone else to depend on?

I identify with a lot of what you say, most women I go out with end up saying much the same things to me, that I don't show that I love them. I can't tell you what the answer to that is, I only wish I knew the answer myself. However if you actually don't love your wife or feel anything for her then that's not really related to AS, that's just falling out of love with someone which is something that happens to lots of people. Normal people too. If you have a child together then obviously it makes things trickier, you can't just walk away like you maybe would otherwise, but again lots of people go through this. Maybe try marriage counselling, but you might just have to fess up and decide where to go from there for the sake of the children etc. You wife deserves to be loved as well and if you can't provide that then it's not fair on either of you to continue the relationship.

Agree its a bit common for aspie men to be like this, in my experience (,aspiewoman do probably too).
In itself it can be more a need to be in control of the environment than a desire to critise,
learn to say positif things and be respectfull, be conciously respectfull, eventually when mutual respect is restored love's possible.
Hope that makes sense, it's sadning when relations suffer due to avoidance of doing the necessairy work together.
(watching things like supernanny, even, show that learning to communicate, again, help solve nearly all problems, often schedules and rigorous planning will be the way to achieve more calmness and harmony, so it's not even an out of reach idea)(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fnRrpf8tOg)

This one is way too close to home for me and I'm actually afraid to write what I frequently feel these days, in case I verbalise stuff I don't wanna face.

Just one question, OP. You say you don't love her but same time don't want her to leave.

Have you ever spent any time apart from each other? I'm thinking a few days + when I ask this.

I think it's typical that people feel less excited about someone they have been with for a while. That is a struggle that all couples go through especially once kids enter the picture. I don't think you should read into this as meaning that you don't love the person.

Are you trying to do things that she wants you to do? Have you tried to identify what it is that she needs to feel more loved? What you think shows love and what she thinks show love may be different things and it's important to find out what she thinks is loving behavior and to try to do some of it. Finding out what she wants and trying to do it is the most important thing, that will mean the most to her.

I think what someone else mentioned a list of things you are currently doing that to you, show you love her can be helpful because she might not be interpreting the same things as showing love or caring. But you might want to wait and work first on doing things she does interpret as love, because she could see this list of things you already do as an excuse for not doing things that are what she wants and needs. But I think in the long run this is important so you both are able to appreciate each other more.

Additionally, with the criticizing, is it getting the result that you want when you say things that are critical? If not, and it sounds like it does't plus it is very hurtful to your wife, I would analyze what you could do as alternatives, that have a better outcome. There might be alternatives to criticizing that work better.

I tend to think this way; if you aren't the one in control of what you feel I don't see anything wrong with catching good sentiments you need from her but you owe it to yourselves to make sure that's an honest exchange. You've got a family, how cool is that?

Yes, that is the "flip-side" of some neurodiverse guys (and probably some neurodivserse girls too) getting into relationships with dating. This will lead to poor attachments, and "falling out of love" rather quickly. They need a much firmer connection that only can be created with obsessive thoughts and a more elaborate courtship process taking a lot longer time than typical dating. This is especially the case for people that are unable to bond with sex.

Still, you can live without intimacy if you want to and your wife accepts it, but you cannot be fighting all the time.

No, I don't think that is typical. Ordinary people will certainly lose the "excitement", but by having regular sex and other intimacy, their bonds actually will increase with time spent together. This is not the case for NDs that don't bond with sex. These need a strong bond early on because their bond will deteriorate with time. If the initial bond is too weak, they indeed will fall out of love, and it is not only what they think.

I don't think the meaning of this feeling is what is important, I think what he does about it is important.

Look at it this way, would the feeling even be bothering him if his wife hadn't brought up her dissatisfaction? Was he bothered by this lack of excitement or wanting to end the relationship because of it or is it only her reaction that is making it seem problematic? Spending a great deal of time thinking and over analyzing this feeling on his side will not do much to help the situation and he might misinterpret what she wants, which is why I gave it little attention.

It sounds like it is not so much that there is a problem with his feeling how he feels (which is a typical feeling in any relationship I've ever seen or known) it's that he needs to consciously make an effort to do things that don't come naturally to him and to identify exactly what she wants him to do more of (not guessing what he thinks she wants).

She is upset--->I can do things to make her feel better(what this is depends on her), How can I comfort you?
She feels unloved --->I can do things to make her feel more cared for(what this is depends on her), I can ask her what makes you feel that I love you?
She feels unsupported---> I can do things to make her life easier(what this is depends on her), I can ask her how can I better support you?

The OP needs to believe that he can do these things and I see that it's possible because there is a reason that she got with you in the first place and is the one you married and she chose you to have a baby with. You are special to her and she needs to feel love from you not just any random guy out there that supposedly communicates love in a better way. Women are very particular about wanting the guy they choose to be the guy who gives them affection. If you dump her in the hopes that she will find better emotional support she will be very hurt and emotionally damaged, it's possible she won't be able to find any love and support because of how much this would damage her. Women take a long time to recover from being dumped and I imagine it's harder with a baby. I think you should consider that you are not so much the problem as you can be the solution.