What's your disclosure story?

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When did you come out to your significant other? How did you do it? Do you think you have a dependable method to help others?

So I know many people wonder at what point in a relationship is a good time to come out as autistic. I've tried a variety of things with some success. On one hand, if you come out too early, the other person may put your label before your own individuality. Because public literature doesn't always do an accurate job of describing autism, you wonder what misconceptions they are going to generalize to you. On the other hand, if you wait too long, the other person may feel resentful that you didn't communicate and that you've been lying by omission. This is understandable, because honest and direct communication is definitely important in a relationship. Pretending like you're something you're not is not exactly a good idea. I know from experience.

The first guy I dated was also autistic, so there were no problems. Then I tried coming out to another guy on the second date. It may have been too soon. Then one guy just seemed to not care after I told him. I'm dating right now, this time with other women. I'm not in a committed relationship yet, but heading there. I haven't quite figured out how to communicate without messing things up. I don't even know if it's different between genders. I'm bisexual, so maybe women would react differently to that news? I haven't tried it yet. Don't want to screw it up before I have an idea of what I'm doing.

Hmm how about that: To keep it as a secret for life?

I mean, why should they know? I never tell any date about it and i will keep it a secret to my grave.

My "disclosure story" was my entire toddlerhood,

I think you misunderstood me. I meant disclosure to your date. Unless your date knew you when you were a toddler, but that would be weird.

My (now) husband was there when my dad told me. I had recognized my son was like me, but didn't know exactly what it was. My husband has some traits, and acknowledged to with me.

I see what you're saying, but I'm talking more about when you're dating someone new and you don't want to scare them off too early. You have to tell them at some point, especially if you get into a serious long-term relationship. They have a right to know what they're in for and knowing may help them help you.

Ex: they invited me to this concert in a nightclub for a first date. I love music, but the idea of being in such a loud environment scares the hell out of me. I know I wouldn't have any fun and I'd just awkwardly stand there the whole time. I'm running out of excuses for why I can't make these things. All I really want to do is have a low-key time in a quiet bar or restaurant.

My behavior constituted my "disclosure story."

I honestly don't think I said the actual words "Asperger Syndrome" until we were married. Don't get me wrong: I didn't hide anything and it wasn't a surprise to her. It was around this time she told me she suspected she was 'on the autism spectrum somewhere' which also did not come as a surprise to me. I have also come to understand over time that her father is almost certainly an Aspie too and had a stereotypical Aspie career to boot.

I should also mention I have not and probably never will be formally diagnosed but a couple of psychologists said it looked 'highly likely' I was. Honestly I don't see any reason to be that upfront about it: reading stories about it online are full of negative things and ignore the many positive traits like honesty and loyalty. It's the same reason why there was no need for a girl I dated to say she was a virgin right away: I gradually figured it out naturally and ultimately it wasn't that big of a deal. Remember, we aren't talking about an STD or a potential contagious disease.

Well I don't really have any experience with dating but when it comes to close relationships in general its pretty obvious that there is "something" off about me. If I weren't to tell them I am autistic they would probably figure it out anyway so I see no point in hiding it. Then again my autism is a bit more visible than most.

I think that if I were to date someone I would tell them rather early so they don't think I'm just ret*d or weird and get creeped out which has happened quite a few times to me. I personally have difficulty initiating conversations but I can carry one on usually so I would wait until we are talking close to the subject and just mention it.

If they get weirded out then that's their problem and you don't need them. Just tell them when you think its good and don't come on too strong. If they ask questions then that's good, if not they may just need time to process it so no need to give any lengthy descriptions unless they ask for it.

And the peoblem with saying "That isn't something I would enjoy, can we go someplace quieter?" is what exactly? You don't have to fully disclose anything. They can be completely in the dark about things and just wonder why you don't like loud venues.

Really good actually. Not by any means straightforward or conventional but most of my friends have known or had some clue at least for 5+ years, I guess it's good that I've partly stopped keeping track. Lately it seems one strange thing about me is that I can be more extroverted than all kinds of people; I do spend a lot of time by myself but that's not exactly abnormal anyway. Either I'm digging into more work, academia or both & it's nice to focus on doing cool things for people.

Most people I know say I seem NT most days. I know I look really 'out there' & shy pretty often though doesn't bother me too much.

I have not disclosed it with either of the two partners I've had so far. My second partner was on the spectrum herself, so I didn't feel it necessary in that case.

Even people who don't have aspergers don't like concerts. I have friends who just find them boring. We all have different personalities.

Will he not just accept that you don't like noisy places?

I've only told one guy that I was interested in and that was because we were talking about why we did certain things and I was begining to suspect that he had aspergers too. I'm not sure how I managed to mess it up so much, but he took offense. Which is bizzare because he was the one who actually first mentioned aspergers in a previous conversation.

Anyway, I like someone now who from the first day I met him made me think, this guy is probably on the spectrum. I don't feel the need to disclose. I say little things like, "well I took that way too literally" just to explain the way I think.

I don't know if or when or why it would come up that I would need to say definately that I am an aspie. Surely the other person would know that I am not normal anyway. No one normal would go out with me, so it wouldn't really be a surprise.

I don't know how helpful this will be because it isn't directly about dating, but I've noticed patterns in how anyone/everyone react to finding out about me.

I find that people in general have some variations depending on their own personalities and how I tell them doesn't really affect the outcome. The three generalizations are "treating me like a charity case", "being angry at the sudden paradigm shift", "don't really care or understand and keep treating me the way they always have".

Groups one and two are never good friends or mates. The charity case people are belittling and become aggressive when confronted, and the angry people feel used because "autistic people can't care about other people" blah blah blah. Group three is hit or miss. Sometimes it's people who already interact well with me and who value "weirdness", and other times it's people who find "weirdness" uncomfortable and already interact poorly. I have yet to find a way to tell these groups apart before I disclose so I'm still working on it.


My current algorithm is don't hide your habits/personality/nature too much. When they figure it out for themselves and ask, you answer them like it's no big deal and just a label for a group of traits you've always had. If they never ask, assume that your behaviours don't really matter to them (for whatever reason good/bad).

I've never told anybody, people are too prejudice and I give off a weird enough impression already so it probably goes without saying anyways. It's not something I'd be comfortable with at all.