Supporting NT partner

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The relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. The downs cause some very strained moments when she is going through a tough time. Which in turn sends me into a spiral of nothing knowing how to support her, causing even more issues.

Looking for any idea of help.

Thanks!

where to start ...lol...this is such a huge thing and yet completely dependent upon how the couple interact with each other.
when you guys are doing well, how much talking do you do? as in, do you discuss stuff, or just move on with things?
does she internalise her thoughts and go into silences/moods when something has upset her, or does she end up shouting? how does she communicate?

Yeah this is a really broad topic and depends on the person and also on the situation the person wants support for.

Generally I want someone to be there and act like they are listening to me and it does not require that they say a lot or offer solutions. I like to vent and have a listener who looks like they are paying attention to what I am saying and not paying attention to doing other things. A few kind words like "I understand what you are saying" and "wow thats really difficult" go a long way. I don't like any demands made of me when I'm stressed and need support.

Maybe you can ask her what specifically you can do to make her feel supported. If not, then think about the situation that is stressing her and then try to tie the support to that. If she is stressed because she is tired do things that help her be less tired. If she is stressed because she has a pain in her body try to relieve the pain, put ice or heat or give a massage. If she says there is something you are doing that is stressful you can do less of it.

Can you be more specific?

@boofle, haha yeah. I know it's a little hard one. When it's good it's good. Always seeming to have a good time and it's all fine. But it's not, there isn't any shouting, more just needing silence / space. Will sometimes try and talk about it. But depending on how down, might not just because I am not the most sure of what to do.

@shelf, thanks. I do try and just say those type of things to show support when I am unsure of what exactly to say or do. Just sometimes it really does just stress me out of not knowing what to do so I will pull back as I don't know if I am making it better or worse. Which then it does go crazy!

Right now it's probably one of the worse times, she is definitely stressed at the moment because of a lack of work. So it's just really hard to support as I have to be at work, when she doesn't want to be alone at the moment and needing something to do during the day.

this is a really difficult one to advise, as i know you already appreciate, because i don't know your other half so can only advise on general stuff.

with that said, i hope the following will be of some help...

no matter how down she is, or how unapproachable, or how incapable you feel in handling her mood...be there and keep trying...yes, i mean quite literally being under her nose, in her face, bugging her, even if she is telling you to get lost.

she needs to see that no matter how many walls she throws up, you won't be scared off, that you're not fazed and that you love her enough to take all and any obstacles she throws at you...by this i mean the normal couple stuff of being moody/upset/tears/telling you to sling your hook etc...
the purpose of this is to show her that you genuinely "care"...even when she is at her worst.

as she is going thru a bad patch atm, and you are obliged to get to work, make her the priority when you get home. spend 10/15 mins just focused on HER. ask her stuff like show she's feeling, how her day was, what she wants to do for dinner, whether it would help her if YOU made dinner, or would she prefer to eat out/maybe a takeaway etc
purpose is to show her that altho you had work in the day, as soon as you get home, she is your priority. especially as she is going thru a hard time right now.
i've said 10/15 minutes so that it doesn't tax you too much either (in terms of how much you can give) but, give less or more according to what you can manage, so long as you give.
the main aim here is to show her you are "listening".

crucial bit. physical contact. hold her. give her a hug when she tells you she is feeling low. if sat side by side, just take her hand and and hold it. lace your fingers thru her fingers. go see what she is doing if she has been gone for a while without saying where she was going (if she is in a different room to you) because this demonstrates you have noticed her absence and come looking for her.
try for a random and unexpected hug, every day, regardless of her mood (whether good or bad). when you come home from work is a good time, a kiss doesn't hurt either

lastly and also, importantly, when you are feeling out of your depth, tell her you do not know what would be the best thing to do and you need her to tell you, and you will do it.
it's a really simple thing to say but it means the world to the person listening. best said when you are in physical contact with each other (hand holding etc)...has greater impact.

random stuff you could do...send a text in the day saying nothing but " "...it doesn't take much time but tells HER you may be busy at work but you were thinking of her.
occasionally bring home treats she likes...just a small box of chocs or similar...don't do this to mark an occasion/after an argument, but "just cos"...
occasionally send a text saying don't cook tonight, let's go get a movie and burger if you fancy it...

hopefully there are enough examples and scenarios above that show you that being supportive is mainly about the other person feeling as tho they matter...how you both decide to do it is negotiable but she needs to feel you are listening to her needs, just as she is trying to work with yours.

hope the above helps