My Nonverbal Language Creeps Out Girls

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Can someone in the spectrum improve nonverbal language to become reasonably like an NT? I've reached the conclusion that mine kills most of my chances with girls... Either they get creeped out and avoid me, or don't feel attraction and just want to be my friends.

I believe I have many redeeming qualities. Although I feel unattractive I have reached the logical conclusion that my looks are decent based on evidence (example - people telling me they heard some girl saying it, but also pointing out I was too weird). Good professional background, decent income and generally someone who means no harm. I can talk about a lot of topics but I guess my monotone voice and unusual body language don't help.

It's a skill, and like all skills it can be learned. It comes more naturally to NTs, but with time and effort you can do it too. My own non-verbal has improved significantly through my work and has allowed me to have a fulfilling career. I'm still failing at relationships mind you, but it's a work in progress. Intimate relationship just require a higher skill level as I understand it.

There's books and youtube videos and professional help available. Start googling (but be careful, the internet is 95% highly opinionated garbage You gotta look for reliable sources).

**edit** One more thing: My own attempts at becoming more NT-like are making me quite miserable in the long run, perhaps you should consider just looking for someone who'll like you for you. I'm still conflicted on that topic myself so I'm not sure how much I can offer in terms of valuable tips :/

Thanks for your reply. It's interesting to see how someone else identifies with it. I think I've reached a point where I can tell which girls will give me 0 chance based on their body language. It's an expression I would describe as a mix between anger and fear, maybe some disgust. WHAT causes that reaction? My best guess is that you can "offend" people with unusual body language... People who are very nonverbal are easily offended, people who are more conversational don't care that much.

I also tend to interact better with girls from other cities or other countries. I guess they give me a "free pass", perhaps they subconsciously conclude I give a different vibe because I'm from somewhere else.

Me too, both with guys and girls. I think that I, too, give off some kind of "wrong" message... don't I smile enough? Do I smile too much? Does the fact that I have trouble sitting straight give off a lazy impression? Do they send some nonverbal messages to me that I should answer with my own but don't since I don't notice them? I honestly have no idea... so yeah, no help from me, but the point of my blabbering is that you're not alone with the problem.

As a female who has recently been made very uncomfortable by a guy at work... do you do any of these things?

Stare a lot.. this is often the worst sign of someone seeing creepy.
Not say anything
Send messages on the computer trying to get girls to talk about their feelings when they don't even know you?

If not you're probably doing okay. I think as aspies, it's always going to be hard. Change the things you can, and try to have the courage to cope with the things you can't change.

I agree with hale-bopp and am a girl too — staring too much and too-forward emails should be avoided (def creepy) but beyond that do the best you can with what you’ve got. Oh, and take no for answer gracioidly - always.

It may well be possible to learn to change non-verbal communication, but I’ve never tried since it sounds on exhausting.

I’d vote for being upfront about the autism, considering online dating (it works well for me) and asking friends/family to set you up with single friends. Having someone “vouch” for you is helpful.

Good insights here... Thanks.

I think staring was an issue when I was around 20 but I now make a conscious effort to avoid it. Experience, Dale Carnegie courses and psychotherapy have surely helped (age 30 now). What still gives me issues is my facial expression... There was a time when I hated pictures because my neutral expression was lifeless and my attempt to smile looked like a psychopathic smirk. It's likely better now but still "uncanny".

About not saying anything, I think I control it now. I make a conscious effort to say at least "Hi" whenever I make eye contact at short range.

Messaging girls out of the blue is not an issue either. I only chat with girls when I've had conversation before.

I'm new here and I've never been diagnosed with anything, so please take my opinion with an appropriate portion of salt, but this question really spoke to me so I thought I'd reply.

I generally approach things like this in a relatively scientific manner. I start out by going somewhere public like a bar or cafe where you might be expected to meet people. Next I try to pay particular attention to my general behavior while I'm there, and take detailed notes. Am I holding myself to rigidly? Twitching my fingers like a spaz? I've found personally that two of the biggest things that make me seem off-putting to others is that I tend to rock back and forth without realizing, and I look to wide-eyed at people who approach me. I've been told it makes me look absolutely panicked at the thought of talking to someone, and I can see where that would be discouraging to people attempting to interact with me.

After I've made an assessment of my general behavior and compiled a list of things I want to work on, I make another list with modified or replacement behaviors. I pick one or two modified behaviors to work on at a time, and try them out the next time I go out. I like to make a chart for each modifier so I can record which ones resulted in more positive interactions so I can focus on those and drop the ones that don't net results.

Now that I've typed it out it does seem like a lot of work and it definitely isn't for everyone. I can't say definitively that my method is helpful, because my sample size is 1, but it helps me feel more in control in social situations. Plus, I tend to think everything is more fun with charts!