How do I get my wife to use the magic words?

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I am trying to do a better job helping my wife with what she needs help with (I should know how to do this stuff), but I am having difficulty getting her to use specific words and phrases that would trigger my understanding when I am mentally spent. I would likely get a bunch of the stuff wrong if I was fully rested, much less out of it.

She cannot say “I need help getting the kids ready for bed.” She just can't.

I want to go to be in bed at 8:00 PM (I get up at 5:00 AM). She wants to get the kids ready to go to bed sometimes at 10:00 PM or 11:00 PM. I am spent in multiple ways by this time (way past my bed-time, and my ADD medication wore off hours ago).

She literally has to say <how she needs help>, and <when she needs it done by>. “Please help the children brush their teeth and get it done within the next 10-minutes” would work. She does not use those words. She says that she cannot remember the magic words. She finds them frustrating. I also need to know how to help (I don’t know how to braid hair, for example).

I don’t know what getting ready for bed is. What are you asking me to do? What is done already? What yet needs to be done? When does it needs to be done by? Why are you asking me to do things I don't know how to do? Why are we doing this so late?

I want her to show me how to do each thing, one at a time, until I get it. She thinks “help me put the kids to bed” is one thing. No matter how many times I tell her that it is not one thing, and I would like to break it down, she never does.

No matter how many times I tell her “first show me how to <braid hair>, we will concentrate on <braiding hair> for a few weeks, and then we will move to the next thing once I learn <braiding hair>.” In her mind “getting ready for bed” is one thing. It is so many little nit-picky things. I do not have the energy for “getting ready for bed” to be one thing after I should have been in bed 1-2 hours ago, and my ADD medication has worn off (this also makes me tired).

It baffles me how she does not want to invest a few weeks teaching breading hair to obtain the result of me braiding hair forever-and-a-day. I would think that after a three months (they would not need to be consecutive) that I would know how to do it all. Yet I get “help me put the kids to bed” all the time, and we never actually start at square one . . . even after she agrees that we will try it.

This must be why it is hard for relationships between someone with Asperger's Syndrome, and someone who is neurotypical.

Any thoughts on how I can approach this magic word thing? Should I make flashcards?

I likely would need a checklist, a written procedure for each task (too many seemingly inconsequential steps), time to study, and time to practice. The time to learn how to do all this stuff is not hours after I should be sleeping. I suppose we need to compile this information on a Sunday afternoon.

Making a checklist on a Sunday afternoon is a good idea. Post it up in the bathroom or the kid's room or wherever getting ready for bed mostly happens. Then, once you know the steps of it, you should start implementing it at 8:00pm so you can get into bed at 8:30 yourself. They don't have to go to sleep then, but that's the last possible time you can help them get ready. Don't wait for your wife to tell you she needs help; this is a set of tasks that needs doing every single night, so just add it to your routine.

If your kids are young enough to need help getting ready for bed, why are you guys putting them to bed so late?

Have you had this conversation with your wife at a time when you can discuss the process of putting kids to bed. Not whist it's happening, but during a quiet time.

Explain to her that the need to know every intricate detail when performing tasks is common for those on the spectrum. It's just the way you work, and if she wants more conducive results from you in these areas, then you need to understand EXACTLY what is required of you, step by step if possible.

Have her read this thread. We typically suck at spontaneous verbal communication but I think you explained your problem wonderfully here. Print it out or something and say "this is how I feel, help me out please!".

You and your wife need to find a quiet time to sit down together and write out a routine of things to do at bedtime.

Not during bedtime, some time when you are both relaxed and not too tired and can think clearly.

In the meantime here's a humorous video about getting kids ready. You are not alone. All parents stress out at times. You do have some exceptionally difficult circumstances, but i hope this cheers you up a bit