My Partner has aspergers- the toll on my emotional health

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In no way have I ever said that aspies, my friend or otherwise, do not have or feel emotions. What I did say is what it feels like from our perspective because they do not show what those emotions are. In the case of my aspie, I have no idea.

Here is the main problem: He certainly has emotions, everyone does. But does he care for me or want me in his life in some capacity or not? That is the big mystery. There are two possibilities there: he does or he does not. But the nature of things is that I may never know, which translates into a "no". Once he told me he felt closer to me than any other person--and I hung onto those words like they were gold, nicest thing he's ever said to me. Other times he said things and acted like I was a stranger on the street. When we saw each other every day as a matter of working together, I felt we were close and I believed that. But when he moved on from that environment, we had little contact except via electronic communication and he turned down an invite to meet up. I made all the contact, he sometimes responded and sometimes did not. Any attempt at discussing this was ignored. From a NT perspective this means "leave me alone". From the aspie perspective, I have no idea. It could mean "leave me alone" or it could just be he doesn't know what to do or how to act in this new situation where we do not have an obligation for that daily contact any more. I could second guess myself over this forever, but in the end, after the last communication seemed, well let's call it less than friendly, I decided that I should not continue to contact him because I felt my communications were no longer desired. I could be wrong and it could be just "his way". I can try to understand that, but if I continue to contact him and he really doesn't want that contact, then I am being annoying, and that is how he made me feel, like I was a bother he merely tolerated, and he won't tell me how he really feels even when directly asked (another sign he'd rather not be friends anymore, which hurts because I really did think we were close and if I was wrong about that then I am sad, and I am sad anyway because I wanted him in my life). I decided that if he wanted me in his life, he can make contact for once. I hoped so badly that he would. He has not, and it's been 2 months. So there you go. I guess I have my answer. Now, he might just be uncomfortable making that contact, but I've gotten to the point with some of the things he's said to me that I am very uncomfortable feeling like he's just getting annoyed when I contact him. I think it would be a terrible tragedy if he really did miss me and wanted me in his life and just doesn't know how to express that, but from my perspective, I can't keep pursuing this to the point that I feel like I am chasing him down all the time--if you have to do that to maintain contact then you don't have a friend in that person at all. There was ONE time when I did ask him if his silence meant he didn't want contact with me anymore, and he responded no, that he did not intend for his silence to mean that, and he gave some short bits on what he was up to (really short seemingly obligatory bits that were clearly only provided because I asked), and I responded by telling him he could talk to me about anything (there was one negative experience he mentioned), and then his response was....silence. This was followed later by the less than friendly response to my invitation to meet up since we had not seen each other in person since we no longer worked together, to which I responded kindly rather than angry as I would have if it were anyone else, telling him that he meant a lot to me and how much I admired him, that I felt communications/understandings had gaps and holes in it and I'd like to fill that in, but that I felt he didn't want communications from me anymore so was leaving communications in his corner if that is how he felt. That was it. Nothing. It has been very hard for me to not make additional contact with him. Part of me says that the aspie in him needs for me to do that. The other part of me says I better back off because he demonstrates no real interest in hearing from me, he ignores some communications, and he turned down my invitation to meet up. That second list of reasons is longer, isn't it? One might ask why he turned down my invitation. Good question. Wish I knew. But I do think that a big part of it has to do with our former work relationship in which he was my subordinate, and additionally he is younger than me. I really do think that for him this is an impassable barrier. If I could find a way to break down that barrier for him I would. The irony is that it was okay for him to push that boundary and he has done so before--quite a bit in fact. But I am not allowed to do the same, apparently, since he said my invitation to see each other outside of that former work environment that no longer existed made him uncomfortable.

If I see someone out of the environment I'm accustomed to seeing them in, it totally spins me out.
My mind goes into non-compute mode.
I don't know how to relate to that person because they're out of context.

For example, someone I worked with for many years retired.
Some time later they came back into work for a visit and when I saw them my mind went into a spin.
I couldn't compute them anymore.
I didn't know how to categorise them and they seemed so out of place and looking different in civvies, so I couldn't work out to relate to them.
So I kind of went into screensaver mode.
I couldn't speak to them even though we got on well and I liked them very much.
Not because I didn't want to, but because my mind couldn't process it.
Later, when my brain kicked back in again, I felt absolutely terrible.

I don't have the persistence of these women here.

Given all the difficult communication from these guys I would give up.

I'm not stressing myself out trying to communicate with someone who doesn't seem to want to communicate with me if I was wanting a romantic relationship with them.

I'd rather find someone that I have an easy to and fro with. Someone who at least wanted to talk to me.

If we were just friends it wouldn't bother me so much to talk once in a blue moon, but that's not enough for developing a romantic relationship.

Wish there was a nt lady interested in me.

is there such thing as emotional health, what is it then?


the evocation of (having) wonderfull, thoughtfull, etc, etc, friends, is the new clothes of name-dropping,

climbing pn the imaginairy ladder of superiority of the best of humanly possible in a flashy value-vessel,

that's some rocket science

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKTFfT4sMhQ

Out defeating an Aspie that made me laugh . . .. . .. . .. . However it makes us sound desperate and lonely and I ain't that. Just unwilling to give up on someone that I know is a good person and a willingness to know new ways. To be honest some others go through far more than me. ,y friend has never ignored messages, and has always wanted to meet. . . .. .

Now that's just lovely. What I said was the truth. The NTs who come here are trying to understand the asperger's perspective, which, frankly is far more than most are willing to do. Most walk away, mock, or criticize. That is obvious by the content of most of the posts here, let's not ignore the elephant in the room. Sounds like you want those people in your life to just deal with the difficulties you may have without you considering how it affects them. This is a dual sided problem and it takes effort in both sides. Some of us are trying beyond our very limits to make something work. But if the same effort is not happening on the side of the aspie, or if the aspie can't or won't try to understand the problems faced by the NT as a result of the hurt caused by the emptiness we experience with some of your behaviors, then should anyone really be wondering why it's so difficult to navigate and maintain relationships? I've done more for my aspie friend that you will ever know. I was there for him, I helped him, I defended him, I supported him, I promoted him to others, I created opportunities for him to give him chances to prove himself, I lifted him up so high and I made sure everyone around recognized his many strengths and talents while I was the only one who knew of his hidden weaknesses. And him? He never showed appreciation and instead left me with the mother load of hurt and bewilderment. How many people have some of you done this too? Are you aware even? There are people who love you. My last comment here ever is to urge you to see that love these people are trying to give you. It just might matter one day.