My Partner has aspergers- the toll on my emotional health

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imhere
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25 Sep 2017, 10:13 pm

In no way have I ever said that aspies, my friend or otherwise, do not have or feel emotions. What I did say is what it feels like from our perspective because they do not show what those emotions are. In the case of my aspie, I have no idea.

Here is the main problem: He certainly has emotions, everyone does. But does he care for me or want me in his life in some capacity or not? That is the big mystery. There are two possibilities there: he does or he does not. But the nature of things is that I may never know, which translates into a "no". Once he told me he felt closer to me than any other person--and I hung onto those words like they were gold, nicest thing he's ever said to me. Other times he said things and acted like I was a stranger on the street. When we saw each other every day as a matter of working together, I felt we were close and I believed that. But when he moved on from that environment, we had little contact except via electronic communication and he turned down an invite to meet up. I made all the contact, he sometimes responded and sometimes did not. Any attempt at discussing this was ignored. From a NT perspective this means "leave me alone". From the aspie perspective, I have no idea. It could mean "leave me alone" or it could just be he doesn't know what to do or how to act in this new situation where we do not have an obligation for that daily contact any more. I could second guess myself over this forever, but in the end, after the last communication seemed, well let's call it less than friendly, I decided that I should not continue to contact him because I felt my communications were no longer desired. I could be wrong and it could be just "his way". I can try to understand that, but if I continue to contact him and he really doesn't want that contact, then I am being annoying, and that is how he made me feel, like I was a bother he merely tolerated, and he won't tell me how he really feels even when directly asked (another sign he'd rather not be friends anymore, which hurts because I really did think we were close and if I was wrong about that then I am sad, and I am sad anyway because I wanted him in my life). I decided that if he wanted me in his life, he can make contact for once. I hoped so badly that he would. He has not, and it's been 2 months. So there you go. I guess I have my answer. Now, he might just be uncomfortable making that contact, but I've gotten to the point with some of the things he's said to me that I am very uncomfortable feeling like he's just getting annoyed when I contact him. I think it would be a terrible tragedy if he really did miss me and wanted me in his life and just doesn't know how to express that, but from my perspective, I can't keep pursuing this to the point that I feel like I am chasing him down all the time--if you have to do that to maintain contact then you don't have a friend in that person at all. There was ONE time when I did ask him if his silence meant he didn't want contact with me anymore, and he responded no, that he did not intend for his silence to mean that, and he gave some short bits on what he was up to (really short seemingly obligatory bits that were clearly only provided because I asked), and I responded by telling him he could talk to me about anything (there was one negative experience he mentioned), and then his response was....silence. This was followed later by the less than friendly response to my invitation to meet up since we had not seen each other in person since we no longer worked together, to which I responded kindly rather than angry as I would have if it were anyone else, telling him that he meant a lot to me and how much I admired him, that I felt communications/understandings had gaps and holes in it and I'd like to fill that in, but that I felt he didn't want communications from me anymore so was leaving communications in his corner if that is how he felt. That was it. Nothing. It has been very hard for me to not make additional contact with him. Part of me says that the aspie in him needs for me to do that. The other part of me says I better back off because he demonstrates no real interest in hearing from me, he ignores some communications, and he turned down my invitation to meet up. That second list of reasons is longer, isn't it? One might ask why he turned down my invitation. Good question. Wish I knew. But I do think that a big part of it has to do with our former work relationship in which he was my subordinate, and additionally he is younger than me. I really do think that for him this is an impassable barrier. If I could find a way to break down that barrier for him I would. The irony is that it was okay for him to push that boundary and he has done so before--quite a bit in fact. But I am not allowed to do the same, apparently, since he said my invitation to see each other outside of that former work environment that no longer existed made him uncomfortable.



Raleigh
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25 Sep 2017, 10:42 pm

If I see someone out of the environment I'm accustomed to seeing them in, it totally spins me out.
My mind goes into non-compute mode.
I don't know how to relate to that person because they're out of context.


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Eclipse1111
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25 Sep 2017, 11:56 pm

Raleigh wrote:
If I see someone out of the environment I'm accustomed to seeing them in, it totally spins me out.
My mind goes into non-compute mode.
I don't know how to relate to that person because they're out of context.


That's fascinating - could you elaborate on that?

Do you mean a physical environment, or some other kind?

And what does it mean to not relate to someone because they are out of context?

Thank you.



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26 Sep 2017, 12:09 am

For example, someone I worked with for many years retired.
Some time later they came back into work for a visit and when I saw them my mind went into a spin.
I couldn't compute them anymore.
I didn't know how to categorise them and they seemed so out of place and looking different in civvies, so I couldn't work out to relate to them.
So I kind of went into screensaver mode.
I couldn't speak to them even though we got on well and I liked them very much.
Not because I didn't want to, but because my mind couldn't process it.
Later, when my brain kicked back in again, I felt absolutely terrible.


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26 Sep 2017, 12:31 am

I don't have the persistence of these women here.

Given all the difficult communication from these guys I would give up.

I'm not stressing myself out trying to communicate with someone who doesn't seem to want to communicate with me if I was wanting a romantic relationship with them.

I'd rather find someone that I have an easy to and fro with. Someone who at least wanted to talk to me.

If we were just friends it wouldn't bother me so much to talk once in a blue moon, but that's not enough for developing a romantic relationship.



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26 Sep 2017, 12:40 am

imhere wrote:
But I do think that a big part of it has to do with our former work relationship in which he was my subordinate, and additionally he is younger than me. I really do think that for him this is an impassable barrier. If I could find a way to break down that barrier for him I would. The irony is that it was okay for him to push that boundary and he has done so before--quite a bit in fact.


Have you considered that he might have pushed boundaries unintentionally, because he wasn't quite aware of how said barriers functioned?

imhere wrote:
But I am not allowed to do the same, apparently, since he said my invitation to see each other outside of that former work environment that no longer existed made him uncomfortable.


Well, there's your answer, then. Why do you keep chasing this pain? I was once in love wtih an NT with an attachment disorder. I'm kinda happy it led nowhere, and I pity his poor wife, because he will always prioritize something else above her and the kids.

Aspies are not clones of each other, you know. There is no rule that says aspies have to be so uncommunicative, even in writing, that it is impossible to have any sort of relationship. WP is full of autistics who are plenty communicative with a keyboard at their fingertips.


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26 Sep 2017, 12:43 am

Raleigh wrote:
For example, someone I worked with for many years retired.
Some time later they came back into work for a visit and when I saw them my mind went into a spin.
I couldn't compute them anymore.
I didn't know how to categorise them and they seemed so out of place and looking different in civvies, so I couldn't work out to relate to them.
So I kind of went into screensaver mode.
I couldn't speak to them even though we got on well and I liked them very much.
Not because I didn't want to, but because my mind couldn't process it.
Later, when my brain kicked back in again, I felt absolutely terrible.


I used to do stuff like that when I was younger, but I think I got over it in my twenties.
I wouldn't have acted like that with someone I was in love with, though.


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26 Sep 2017, 12:45 am

underwater wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
For example, someone I worked with for many years retired.
Some time later they came back into work for a visit and when I saw them my mind went into a spin.
I couldn't compute them anymore.
I didn't know how to categorise them and they seemed so out of place and looking different in civvies, so I couldn't work out to relate to them.
So I kind of went into screensaver mode.
I couldn't speak to them even though we got on well and I liked them very much.
Not because I didn't want to, but because my mind couldn't process it.
Later, when my brain kicked back in again, I felt absolutely terrible.


I used to do stuff like that when I was younger, but I think I got over it in my twenties.
I wouldn't have acted like that with someone I was in love with, though.

No, you're right.
I actually do the flappy hands when I see someone I'm in love with. :lol:


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underwater
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26 Sep 2017, 12:51 am

Raleigh wrote:
underwater wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
For example, someone I worked with for many years retired.
Some time later they came back into work for a visit and when I saw them my mind went into a spin.
I couldn't compute them anymore.
I didn't know how to categorise them and they seemed so out of place and looking different in civvies, so I couldn't work out to relate to them.
So I kind of went into screensaver mode.
I couldn't speak to them even though we got on well and I liked them very much.
Not because I didn't want to, but because my mind couldn't process it.
Later, when my brain kicked back in again, I felt absolutely terrible.


I used to do stuff like that when I was younger, but I think I got over it in my twenties.
I wouldn't have acted like that with someone I was in love with, though.

No, you're right.
I actually do the flappy hands when I see someone I'm in love with. :lol:


:lol: Yeah, when I think of all the things I've done....I don't really think anyone I was in love with was ever in doubt about that :oops:


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26 Sep 2017, 12:53 am

hurtloam wrote:
I don't have the persistence of these women here.

Given all the difficult communication from these guys I would give up.

I'm not stressing myself out trying to communicate with someone who doesn't seem to want to communicate with me if I was wanting a romantic relationship with them.

I'd rather find someone that I have an easy to and fro with. Someone who at least wanted to talk to me.

If we were just friends it wouldn't bother me so much to talk once in a blue moon, but that's not enough for developing a romantic relationship.


You know, these ladies are out-persisting the autistics. That's rather a feat.


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26 Sep 2017, 1:18 am

Wish there was a nt lady interested in me.



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26 Sep 2017, 1:47 am

is there such thing as emotional health, what is it then?


the evocation of (having) wonderfull, thoughtfull, etc, etc, friends, is the new clothes of name-dropping,

climbing pn the imaginairy ladder of superiority of the best of humanly possible in a flashy value-vessel,

that's some rocket science

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKTFfT4sMhQ



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26 Sep 2017, 1:52 am

Out defeating an Aspie that made me laugh . . .. . .. . .. . However it makes us sound desperate and lonely and I ain't that. Just unwilling to give up on someone that I know is a good person and a willingness to know new ways. To be honest some others go through far more than me. ,y friend has never ignored messages, and has always wanted to meet. . . .. .



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26 Sep 2017, 1:58 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
imhere wrote:
For me, sometimes I feel an emotion but can't figure out what to do with it. If somebody I care about is crying for instance, I want them to feel better but I'm often unable to figure out how to approach the situation, so I get anxious.

When giving family members hugs, I'm often unsure how tightly to hug them, and for how long. I'm getting better with that though.

I find that Aspies are often detail-oriented people who struggle with ambiguity. If one is unsure exactly how to appropriately express his feelings, one might keep them to himself for fear of doing something "wrong".


All of that. Exactly.

Unless it's my husband or mom, hug protocol is confusing and uncomfortable. Here's the thought process that, I kid you not, is making me anxious while typing it: How do I get out of hugging this person? If I can't what is the appropriate duration? Appropriate pressure? Are they going to kiss my cheek? (I hope not) Was it an air-kiss? Two air-kisses? If they do the kiss thing, do I have to? If it wasnt an air-kiss is there now spit on my cheek? How do I get this spit off immediately? Should I make a joke about it to ease the tension of me wiping my cheek like I'm completely grossed out (which I am), or will that make it worse? Ok, I'll attempt to pretend my spitty cheek isn't gross, slink away somewhere quieter, and get over that ordeal in order to deal with the next person I see. (That is every single family party since I can remember)
Also:
I'm not sympathetic though I can be empathetic if I can find a way to relate through my own experience.
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, not who we may wish they are.



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26 Sep 2017, 10:22 am

imhere wrote:
I will state emphatically that I am NOT needy or clingy. I am normal, NT, just as the majority of humans are. Those with asperger's are different, and it is a result of those differences that throw the majority into emotional chaos. It would be naive to think that an asperger's person can simply find someone who will not have tremendous difficulty with the effects of the disability. They will. And they will hurt. You cannot pretend that does not exist, NT or AS. Finding the right person does not mean this problem will not exist for you, it only means what a person is willing to endure for their love of you. But there will always be a certain level of unfulfillment and sadness. It cannot just be ignored and blamed on the NT partner.

To not understand the perspective of the deep emotional needs of someone not in the spectrum is the very crux of being on the spectrum. Why do you think aspies have trouble with relationships? Isn't that the entire source of aspie relationship problems in the first place? It is a classic aspie response to call us needy or clingy in response to us being normal.... That is the exact thing the op is referring to and how it completely invalidates us for normal human needs. Asperger's is the disability, not the other way around.


You know, your posts just strike me the wrong way. They are not productive and they are certainly not an attempt to really understand those on the spectrum. You come across as somebody who's in a relationship with an autistic person and you aren't finding fulfillment, and so you are coming here to dump on other autistic people. Well, I for one am not going to sit here and be stereotyped and generalized by you.

You in a relationship with somebody who's not meeting your needs, suck it up sunshine and do something about it. In the mean time, don't dump on us.

Also, why are you lecturing us on difficulties with relationships and the reasons for those difficulties. WE are the ones on the spectrum, we know more about our challenges than you. You know, I think I'll go over to a forum for quadriplegics and point out to them that they can't walk, just in case they aren't aware of it.

With that said, I'm not saying you aren't welcome here, that isn't where I'm coming from. I just think you should participate on this forum in a way that is productive and healthy and posts like this ain't either.



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26 Sep 2017, 3:10 pm

Now that's just lovely. What I said was the truth. The NTs who come here are trying to understand the asperger's perspective, which, frankly is far more than most are willing to do. Most walk away, mock, or criticize. That is obvious by the content of most of the posts here, let's not ignore the elephant in the room. Sounds like you want those people in your life to just deal with the difficulties you may have without you considering how it affects them. This is a dual sided problem and it takes effort in both sides. Some of us are trying beyond our very limits to make something work. But if the same effort is not happening on the side of the aspie, or if the aspie can't or won't try to understand the problems faced by the NT as a result of the hurt caused by the emptiness we experience with some of your behaviors, then should anyone really be wondering why it's so difficult to navigate and maintain relationships? I've done more for my aspie friend that you will ever know. I was there for him, I helped him, I defended him, I supported him, I promoted him to others, I created opportunities for him to give him chances to prove himself, I lifted him up so high and I made sure everyone around recognized his many strengths and talents while I was the only one who knew of his hidden weaknesses. And him? He never showed appreciation and instead left me with the mother load of hurt and bewilderment. How many people have some of you done this too? Are you aware even? There are people who love you. My last comment here ever is to urge you to see that love these people are trying to give you. It just might matter one day.