Asking aspie out?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi guys, I am a NT girl so so so very much in love with a guy at my uni who happens to have Aspergers. What is a good way to ask him out without terrifying him? Text, phone, face to face? There are always lots of other people around. He has given several signals he likes me, but on other ocasions seems completely uninterested (and even.. cold/angry?) too. Could someone take me through examples of things which might be going through his mind in a situation such as this, based upon your experiences. I have really low self confidence and no experience really in asking anyone out - would never do it if it was not him because he is just so lovely and I am smitten! I have learned that with Aspergers its difficult/impossible to read signals, you need to spell things out... but how would YOU behave around somebody you liked?

Would you ever become angry with someone if they told you they liked you? Bit scared this will happen actually

Thanks, lots of love, Linda

From my own experience over many years (and others may differ):

Don't:
Look at me too much... "she must think I'm a psycho" (a mutual work colleague, years later, told me that the woman in question really, really fancied me)
Come on too strong or too flirty... scary woman, I have an urgent appointment somewhere else
Touch... even a light touch on knee or shoulder... gerroffme! Even my mother doesn't touch me

But, I'll tell you what has worked spectacularly well... once with a long term relationship and now with the lovely Mrs Trueno. Get a friend (preferably female) to tell the guy you fancy him. I reply "maybe you could get her phone number". It sounds like something you'd do at school (at least when I was at school)... but don't get upset if he takes a month to phone you... or doesn't phone at all.

Best of luck.

what trueno said or you could try:
tell him one day you need to tell him something if he asks what say "in private"
then when you get him alone just be open and honest about how you feel about him and ask him out.

I've never been asked out by a girl but I'd probably feel quite flattered.

I'm not sure if this can apply, because the gender roles are switched in my case. But here goes anyways:
The way my current boyfriend and I got together was absolutely perfect for me.
He came over to my place (safe space! Makes a big difference for me) told me something like "I am falling in love with you. I know that you might not be feeling the same way about me, and if this makes you uncomfortable and you want to stop seeing me, I understand that". It was really nice that he let me know that he didn't expect something back.
I never chose to be in my previous relationships. I just agreed to get together with people because they asked me to, and I can't say no - I know some male aspies with the same relationship-history. So, when the current boyfriend assured me that I have no responsibility to love him back, it was a big relief, because it gave me the freedom to decide for myself.
After he told me, we chatted about it for a while. I needed looong thinking-breaks and he was very patient. I'm very bad at recognizing and understanding my own feelings, so even though I knew that I like him a lot more than anyone else, I had to have Love suggested to me before I could identify it. I came to the conclusion that there is a strong possibility that I am falling in love with him as well. We left it at that. He went home and we agreed to both sleep on it and come to a decision later.
There were no big love proclamations, no touchy-feely stuff. Just a factual discussion on how we feel about each other. That made me comfortable.
The next time I saw him I had been given enough time to process, had realized that "oh, it's love! That's why I'm thinking about him all the time! Of course!" and we moved into the relationship slow but steady. Even though I was sure that I loved him, I still needed to get used to touching and stuff.

A romantic relationship is a big thing, and aspies are typically not the kinds of people to just throw themselves into a new situation. We're more likely to really think things through before taking action.
My decision wasn't only based on "do I like him or not?" But also things like how it might affect my schedule and what kinds of changes I would need to adjust to. A big "pros and cons"-list was made.

Summarising tip: Do nothing dramatic. A calm and factual conversation about it is less likely to scare him off. And don't force it. There's a chance that he needs a lot of time to think about it.


I can't speak for him of course, but about him seeming cold and angry sometimes, I know I do that when I'm stressed. I don't even realize that I've been rude until my boyfriend asks me why I'm angry, to which I surprisedly reply "why do you think I'm angry?", and he can't understand how my snappy "leave me alone!" could've been anything but anger. As soon as he points it out I understand how I came off, and I deeply regret it every time.
I suppose that someone letting me know that they have feelings for me could cause stress. I would not get angry at all, but possibly seem as such, especially if I'm already a bit uncomfortable (like if there's a lot of people around). Hence the importance of doing it somewhere private, and being more factual than emotional.

Perhaps I should clarify, by convention men aren't "supposed" to show vulnerability, so to confess to you places him in a position where he could be shamefully (publicly) rejected. [Or at least that Is the messaging given by mass media, does it ever happen in real life?]