Why can’t I spit it out?
11 Mar 2018, 4:56 pm
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Continuation of this thread (viewtopic.php?t=360922).
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
What is the purpose of telling her if you believe she already knows and does not reciprocate those feelings?
It needs to be explicitly said so it’s out in the open. Also, there’s a tiny chance I’m wrong about her knowing. (However, I completely doubt she reciprocates.) Nothing is confirmed and it needs to be addressed.
Why not just give her a note then? Or give a friend a note to give her. Stop creating awkward situations.
There’s something important about doing it in person. Seeing their reaction. Yes, I know what it is already, but that doesn’t make it less important.
It sounds like this is all about you and how you feel with little regard to her experience of the situation. She is obviously putting time and effort in to being polite to you. I know you are very young and have a lot of growing to do but I will tell you two things flat out.
1. Relationships are about two people and you need to consider the other person.
2. Girls are often polite and civil even when a situation is socially stressful for them.
You seem to have very fixed ideas about how this situation should unfold, which conflicts with the sociodynamic flow of tge situation. You seem to be attempting to force this situation without regard to her.
What do you think her perspective is in all of this?
I’m TRYING to find out.
Well, what do you think she is thinking when you pull her aside, tell her you have something to tell her, and then don't tell her anything? How do you think she is feeling? Let's simplify it a little.
Do you think this is a positive experience for her and she enjoys it, a neutral experience, or a negative experience?
Last edited by Chronos on 11 Mar 2018, 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
11 Mar 2018, 4:59 pm
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Continuation of this thread (viewtopic.php?t=360922).
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
What is the purpose of telling her if you believe she already knows and does not reciprocate those feelings?
It needs to be explicitly said so it’s out in the open. Also, there’s a tiny chance I’m wrong about her knowing. (However, I completely doubt she reciprocates.) Nothing is confirmed and it needs to be addressed.
Why not just give her a note then? Or give a friend a note to give her. Stop creating awkward situations.
There’s something important about doing it in person. Seeing their reaction. Yes, I know what it is already, but that doesn’t make it less important.
It sounds like this is all about you and how you feel with little regard to her experience of the situation. She is obviously putting time and effort in to being polite to you. I know you are very young and have a lot of growing to do but I will tell you two things flat out.
1. Relationships are about two people and you need to consider the other person.
2. Girls are often polite and civil even when a situation is socially stressful for them.
You seem to have very fixed ideas about how this situation should unfold, which conflicts with the sociodynamic flow of tge situation. You seem to be attempting to force this situation without regard to her.
What do you think her perspective is in all of this?
I’m TRYING to find out.
Well, what do you think she is thinking when you pull her aside, tell her you have something to tell her, and then don't tell her anything? How do you think she is feeling?
I’m an Aspie. Compared to me everyone else is a mind reader. I have no idea what goes through her head. That’s why I need to know. So I don’t head in the wrong direction with any inklings I have.
11 Mar 2018, 5:11 pm
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Continuation of this thread (viewtopic.php?t=360922).
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
What is the purpose of telling her if you believe she already knows and does not reciprocate those feelings?
It needs to be explicitly said so it’s out in the open. Also, there’s a tiny chance I’m wrong about her knowing. (However, I completely doubt she reciprocates.) Nothing is confirmed and it needs to be addressed.
Why not just give her a note then? Or give a friend a note to give her. Stop creating awkward situations.
There’s something important about doing it in person. Seeing their reaction. Yes, I know what it is already, but that doesn’t make it less important.
It sounds like this is all about you and how you feel with little regard to her experience of the situation. She is obviously putting time and effort in to being polite to you. I know you are very young and have a lot of growing to do but I will tell you two things flat out.
1. Relationships are about two people and you need to consider the other person.
2. Girls are often polite and civil even when a situation is socially stressful for them.
You seem to have very fixed ideas about how this situation should unfold, which conflicts with the sociodynamic flow of tge situation. You seem to be attempting to force this situation without regard to her.
What do you think her perspective is in all of this?
I’m TRYING to find out.
Well, what do you think she is thinking when you pull her aside, tell her you have something to tell her, and then don't tell her anything? How do you think she is feeling?
I’m an Aspie. Compared to me everyone else is a mind reader. I have no idea what goes through her head. That’s why I need to know. So I don’t head in the wrong direction with any inklings I have.
You are. But don't think human behavior and thought patterns are entirely random or that you can't develop your theory of mind or ability to empathize. Humans are systems. If there were not patterns to behavior we would not be able to represent humans in fiction or construct AI that can pass for human in online interactions.
11 Mar 2018, 5:25 pm
When I say "Hey Siri" on a device that has Siri, I get Siri's "attention" and now Siri "expects" me to say something. When Siri doesn't receive input after a period of time, Siri "thinks" a problem has occurred and reminds me I have prompted it. After more time without input, the prompt is canceled and Siri doesn't attempt to assess the situation
Humans also expect input when prompted but when input is not received, an assesment process starts in which the human may reasses the situation or attempt to determine the intentions of the prompter for the undefined behavior.
Humans tend to view strange social behavior by other humans as negative. Following without know reason and staring are received particularly poorly because these are actually predatory behaviours found across species.
If you struggle discerning these things then I highly recommend you sit in on an evolutionary psychology course. They will teach many of these things explicitly and remove the guesswork.
11 Mar 2018, 5:43 pm
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Continuation of this thread (viewtopic.php?t=360922).
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
What is the purpose of telling her if you believe she already knows and does not reciprocate those feelings?
It needs to be explicitly said so it’s out in the open. Also, there’s a tiny chance I’m wrong about her knowing. (However, I completely doubt she reciprocates.) Nothing is confirmed and it needs to be addressed.
Why not just give her a note then? Or give a friend a note to give her. Stop creating awkward situations.
There’s something important about doing it in person. Seeing their reaction. Yes, I know what it is already, but that doesn’t make it less important.
It sounds like this is all about you and how you feel with little regard to her experience of the situation. She is obviously putting time and effort in to being polite to you. I know you are very young and have a lot of growing to do but I will tell you two things flat out.
1. Relationships are about two people and you need to consider the other person.
2. Girls are often polite and civil even when a situation is socially stressful for them.
You seem to have very fixed ideas about how this situation should unfold, which conflicts with the sociodynamic flow of tge situation. You seem to be attempting to force this situation without regard to her.
What do you think her perspective is in all of this?
I’m TRYING to find out.
Well, what do you think she is thinking when you pull her aside, tell her you have something to tell her, and then don't tell her anything? How do you think she is feeling?
I’m an Aspie. Compared to me everyone else is a mind reader. I have no idea what goes through her head. That’s why I need to know. So I don’t head in the wrong direction with any inklings I have.
You are. But don't think human behavior and thought patterns are entirely random or that you can't develop your theory of mind or ability to empathize. Humans are systems. If there were not patterns to behavior we would not be able to represent humans in fiction or construct AI that can pass for human in online interactions.
But we often believe things in fiction that aren’t the case in reality. Like someone falling for someone else just because their admirer has demonstrated that they care for them. We don’t question that. We know lightsabers don’t and probably can’t exist, but we don’t have to suspend our disbelief to accept that honesty works every time. I mean, you should always be honest, but people sometimes react differently to confessions than they do in movies. That’s just one example. My knowledge of how human behavior works comes from fiction. I can’t tell the difference. So I’m often wrong about how people actually feel.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
11 Mar 2018, 8:28 pm
rktho wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Next chance you see her, you gotta pull the trigger on this thing. Doesn’t matter how you do it, just get it done.
Ok...her talking first...this is GOOD. Always start that way. I know, I know, it derails. Let her run her mouth for 5 minutes (roughly...don’t like, keep looking at your watch the whole time). Between the 5-10 minute mark you say, “hey, listen, I want to tell you something.” And then drop the hammer on it. No more waiting. No more excuses. BAM. Done.
Ok...her talking first...this is GOOD. Always start that way. I know, I know, it derails. Let her run her mouth for 5 minutes (roughly...don’t like, keep looking at your watch the whole time). Between the 5-10 minute mark you say, “hey, listen, I want to tell you something.” And then drop the hammer on it. No more waiting. No more excuses. BAM. Done.
That’s what I TRIED to do. It didn’t work. I froze up. I need to strengthen my tack.
Also, she doesn’t run her mouth off. She just asks me questions. How’s school? What classes are you taking? Your favorite subject is writing? I remember, you write novels. Have you been working on those? Are you going to get them published? I finally said, “Well, what about your classes? What are you taking?” and I learned a bit about her for a change. When the lull in the conversation came I took a deep breath and said her name. I was going to tell her. And then for whatever reason I couldn’t force out of myself.
I’ve been thinking about bringing up some kind of segue. Like, “Have you read Harry Potter? Who’s your favorite character?” And after she told me about hers (assuming she’s seen or read Harry Potter) I’d say, “My favorite character is Ginny Weasley, ‘cause she’s nice, athletic, and comes from the best family ever. Kinda reminds me of someone.” I dunno, that’s just a hypothetical segue I could do. I’m thinking a segue subject would really help, but it’d have to funnel straight into what I was trying to tell her.
You’re overthinking it.
Ugh...you’re Mormons...
I know some Mormons. My aunt is Mormon, but I think my cousins got sick of it and aren’t really affiliated with religion much. At least not that I’m aware of. Anyway, not judging here, and my thoughts on that are more for PPR than L&D. So I’ll try to approach it more from your perspective.
The little bit I know from interacting with Mormons as opposed reading up on the religion is that you are perpetually happy, or at least try to make it appear so. I’ve noticed some very New Age-y kinds of behaviors. More charismatic than Catholics, but not nearly so contemplative. More...I dunno, PRACTICAL.
So start with a vision. Your goal is to ask her to be your gf. More or less. You have a crush on her and at the very least you want to go out and just see where this goes. Maybe it goes nowhere, but you want to know. Hopefully, she’ll reciprocate.
How do you do it? Baby steps. You know you’re going to see her at certain times on certain days. There you go. Then you just ask.
Yeah, yeah, you freeze up. I know. So keep trying.
Start with small talk for a few short minutes. Like always. Let her talk a bit, and keep her talking. This is best practice, anyway. Good manners, makes people relax, let’s them know you’re interested, you’re a good listener.
Basically, you’re being nice. You don’t HAVE to be nice, but you are. You are essentially taking out emotional stock you intend to cash out when you need it. Hitting her with couple talk is cashing out.
You are taking a risk, as you well know, and the risk:benefit ratio is appropriate for what you want to do. If she rejects you, you likely also lose a friend. But what does it matter if you can’t date her? You lose, anyway. So really you either stay right where you are and gain nothing or you gain a gf.
After that initial ice breaking moment, and don’t rush it, THEN just hit her with it. No segue. Just drop the hammer. Don’t overthink it. “Oh, you DID pass that math test you were worried about? I’m so glad! That’s so awesome. You are really awesome. Y’know, I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and I’ve always really liked you. I was kinda wondering if you think, uh...I dunno...maybe we could get to know each other better? Like, maybe as more than just friends?”
That’s it. All you need. Actually, you could simplify it even better than I just did. If you wanna be smooth and segue, that’s as smooth as I’d ever be.
I was far less than any moral ideal. So I went through a brief time that I was just sick of women as a whole. I found myself among women in bad relationships. I could have been, like, “You’re bored and lonely? Hey, guess what! I’m bored and lonely, too! Wanna party?” I’d get the usual “oh, my bf wouldn’t like that,” but sometimes I’d end up taking the girl back to my place.
I’m guessing your intentions are more chaste than mine ever were. My point is that it doesn’t take much. Trying to be perfectly smooth and concentrating on every little detail is gonna make you freeze. So don’t worry so much about delivery.
Just get it done. Quick. Simple.
Visualize it in your head. You can see it like you’re already there. You go up to her just like you have a million times and you talk about ______. And you don’t give it any time, or any more than you have to. Hit her with it. I really like you and _______. Would you like to ______?
Just. Like. That.
Don’t try to control the conversation leading up to it. You’ll freeze. Don’t steer the conversation subtly in that direction. You’ll end up hitting the curve too fast and hit a tree. I want you to drop the hammer and run the car right off the frikken cliff! Go airborne. On purpose, not by accident. You need to visualize this. Doesn’t matter what she talks about at first. Doesn’t matter if you have to forcibly interrupt her at some point. Visualize all kinds of different conversations. You nod your head and say “good. That’s good. Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you____.” BAM.
Or, “oh, I’m so sorry that happened. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you something. ________.” BAM.
Get a picture of this in your head. Get a few hundred of these pictures in your head. They all go the same way. Then you go see her and plug in the algorithm. It seems impossible, but it’s really so easy. Visualize. Act.
If you freeze up, that’s ok. Try again. And again. Eventually you won’t freeze up. But do hurry. My guess is you aren’t the only guy interested in her. Be there or be nowhere.
11 Mar 2018, 8:44 pm
AngelRho wrote:
rktho wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Next chance you see her, you gotta pull the trigger on this thing. Doesn’t matter how you do it, just get it done.
Ok...her talking first...this is GOOD. Always start that way. I know, I know, it derails. Let her run her mouth for 5 minutes (roughly...don’t like, keep looking at your watch the whole time). Between the 5-10 minute mark you say, “hey, listen, I want to tell you something.” And then drop the hammer on it. No more waiting. No more excuses. BAM. Done.
Ok...her talking first...this is GOOD. Always start that way. I know, I know, it derails. Let her run her mouth for 5 minutes (roughly...don’t like, keep looking at your watch the whole time). Between the 5-10 minute mark you say, “hey, listen, I want to tell you something.” And then drop the hammer on it. No more waiting. No more excuses. BAM. Done.
That’s what I TRIED to do. It didn’t work. I froze up. I need to strengthen my tack.
Also, she doesn’t run her mouth off. She just asks me questions. How’s school? What classes are you taking? Your favorite subject is writing? I remember, you write novels. Have you been working on those? Are you going to get them published? I finally said, “Well, what about your classes? What are you taking?” and I learned a bit about her for a change. When the lull in the conversation came I took a deep breath and said her name. I was going to tell her. And then for whatever reason I couldn’t force out of myself.
I’ve been thinking about bringing up some kind of segue. Like, “Have you read Harry Potter? Who’s your favorite character?” And after she told me about hers (assuming she’s seen or read Harry Potter) I’d say, “My favorite character is Ginny Weasley, ‘cause she’s nice, athletic, and comes from the best family ever. Kinda reminds me of someone.” I dunno, that’s just a hypothetical segue I could do. I’m thinking a segue subject would really help, but it’d have to funnel straight into what I was trying to tell her.
You’re overthinking it.
Ugh...you’re Mormons...
I know some Mormons. My aunt is Mormon, but I think my cousins got sick of it and aren’t really affiliated with religion much. At least not that I’m aware of. Anyway, not judging here, and my thoughts on that are more for PPR than L&D. So I’ll try to approach it more from your perspective.
The little bit I know from interacting with Mormons as opposed reading up on the religion is that you are perpetually happy, or at least try to make it appear so. I’ve noticed some very New Age-y kinds of behaviors. More charismatic than Catholics, but not nearly so contemplative. More...I dunno, PRACTICAL.
So start with a vision. Your goal is to ask her to be your gf. More or less. You have a crush on her and at the very least you want to go out and just see where this goes. Maybe it goes nowhere, but you want to know. Hopefully, she’ll reciprocate.
How do you do it? Baby steps. You know you’re going to see her at certain times on certain days. There you go. Then you just ask.
Yeah, yeah, you freeze up. I know. So keep trying.
Start with small talk for a few short minutes. Like always. Let her talk a bit, and keep her talking. This is best practice, anyway. Good manners, makes people relax, let’s them know you’re interested, you’re a good listener.
Basically, you’re being nice. You don’t HAVE to be nice, but you are. You are essentially taking out emotional stock you intend to cash out when you need it. Hitting her with couple talk is cashing out.
You are taking a risk, as you well know, and the risk:benefit ratio is appropriate for what you want to do. If she rejects you, you likely also lose a friend. But what does it matter if you can’t date her? You lose, anyway. So really you either stay right where you are and gain nothing or you gain a gf.
After that initial ice breaking moment, and don’t rush it, THEN just hit her with it. No segue. Just drop the hammer. Don’t overthink it. “Oh, you DID pass that math test you were worried about? I’m so glad! That’s so awesome. You are really awesome. Y’know, I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and I’ve always really liked you. I was kinda wondering if you think, uh...I dunno...maybe we could get to know each other better? Like, maybe as more than just friends?”
That’s it. All you need. Actually, you could simplify it even better than I just did. If you wanna be smooth and segue, that’s as smooth as I’d ever be.
I was far less than any moral ideal. So I went through a brief time that I was just sick of women as a whole. I found myself among women in bad relationships. I could have been, like, “You’re bored and lonely? Hey, guess what! I’m bored and lonely, too! Wanna party?” I’d get the usual “oh, my bf wouldn’t like that,” but sometimes I’d end up taking the girl back to my place.
I’m guessing your intentions are more chaste than mine ever were. My point is that it doesn’t take much. Trying to be perfectly smooth and concentrating on every little detail is gonna make you freeze. So don’t worry so much about delivery.
Just get it done. Quick. Simple.
Visualize it in your head. You can see it like you’re already there. You go up to her just like you have a million times and you talk about ______. And you don’t give it any time, or any more than you have to. Hit her with it. I really like you and _______. Would you like to ______?
Just. Like. That.
Don’t try to control the conversation leading up to it. You’ll freeze. Don’t steer the conversation subtly in that direction. You’ll end up hitting the curve too fast and hit a tree. I want you to drop the hammer and run the car right off the frikken cliff! Go airborne. On purpose, not by accident. You need to visualize this. Doesn’t matter what she talks about at first. Doesn’t matter if you have to forcibly interrupt her at some point. Visualize all kinds of different conversations. You nod your head and say “good. That’s good. Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you____.” BAM.
Or, “oh, I’m so sorry that happened. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you something. ________.” BAM.
Get a picture of this in your head. Get a few hundred of these pictures in your head. They all go the same way. Then you go see her and plug in the algorithm. It seems impossible, but it’s really so easy. Visualize. Act.
If you freeze up, that’s ok. Try again. And again. Eventually you won’t freeze up. But do hurry. My guess is you aren’t the only guy interested in her. Be there or be nowhere.
I’m not interested in a girlfriend and she’s not interested in a boyfriend. I just wanted to go on a few dates with her and see if she starts to reciprocate so that maybe we can steady date in the future. If not, I’m cool to be friends. Mormons take platonic friends on dates anyway.
Her bestie has confirmed she already knows how I feel. She’s not attracted to me. I’m not getting a romantic relationship of any kind out of this. She doesn’t want to get involved with anybody. So I just want to be friends. But good friends. Friends that talk to each other more often than once a week, about stuff other than school. And maybe when we see each other after my mission, I’ll see how she feels about trying out a relationship.
11 Mar 2018, 8:58 pm
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Chronos wrote:
rktho wrote:
Continuation of this thread (viewtopic.php?t=360922).
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
So now we’re on good terms, and I want to tell her how I feel. I’m 99.99% sure she already knows but it needs to be acknowledged. So I’ve been planning to tell her.
Well, last night I went to a dance. Her friend said they were t coming but they showed up anyway for a little bit. I was able to snag a dance with her.
The song I’d been listening to to pump myself up was playing. I’d just led her into the dancehall and we started dancing. I had a big smile on my face. I was going to do it.
Well, my first mistake was letting her talk first. She asked about my classes— even though I’d told her about them last time we danced, which was LAST WEEK. (And before you ask, no, we don’t usually have dances two weeks in a row. The last one was an annual ball and this one was a monthly one.) I turned the conversation to her classes after telling her everything I’d already talked to her about. (She’s in high school. We’re the same age but I skipped a grade so I take college classes.) I learned her favorite subjects and stuff. Then I mentioned my 18th birthday was coming up and she said she couldn’t make it to the party because her brother (the one who’s not on a mission) was getting married. (I knew that— I’d forgotten when the wedding was.) I told her to tell him congratulations from me. After that there was a lull in the conversation.
I said her name.
I choked on my words and all I could manage was a sheepish smile.
I was going to try again when the dance ended. All I could do was hug her for ever-so-slightly too long and thank her for dancing with me. It was too late to say anything else.
Except it wasn’t, because as I was texting my confidant Luna about it, I walked into the snack room and realized she was still there. I asked Luna for advice— should I go for it even though the moment was gone? But before I could hit send, she left, and instead I texted her about missing my chance for the second time.
As we talked about it and how I’m absolutely spineless, she walked right by with her friends and said goodbye as she walked out the door. That was the THIRD time I thought she’d left, only this time it was for real. I’m an idiot.
I’m seeing her again tomorrow like I do every Sunday, but I wasted the perfect opportunity. God HANDED it to me and I dropped it through my sweaty fingers. And He kept trying to hand it back when I wasn’t paying attention.
Should I try to tell her tomorrow or wait for a better time? I’ve noticed pulling her aside to talk about something specific is more anxiety-inducing than asking her to dance and bringing up stuff I want to talk about, so I’m thinking maybe not. But when I try to tell her I have a crush on her, I can’t do it. I don’t know why. There’s no way she doesn’t already know I like her. I know she doesn’t feel the same way, but I need to get it off my chest so it doesn’t make things awkward again.
How do I tell her? Telling her over message is out because it’s the coward’s path and she doesn’t respond to them anyway. Asking a friend to do it is pointless because she already knows. I have to tell her, in person. But I can’t, no matter how easy it seems.
What is the purpose of telling her if you believe she already knows and does not reciprocate those feelings?
It needs to be explicitly said so it’s out in the open. Also, there’s a tiny chance I’m wrong about her knowing. (However, I completely doubt she reciprocates.) Nothing is confirmed and it needs to be addressed.
Why not just give her a note then? Or give a friend a note to give her. Stop creating awkward situations.
There’s something important about doing it in person. Seeing their reaction. Yes, I know what it is already, but that doesn’t make it less important.
It sounds like this is all about you and how you feel with little regard to her experience of the situation. She is obviously putting time and effort in to being polite to you. I know you are very young and have a lot of growing to do but I will tell you two things flat out.
1. Relationships are about two people and you need to consider the other person.
2. Girls are often polite and civil even when a situation is socially stressful for them.
You seem to have very fixed ideas about how this situation should unfold, which conflicts with the sociodynamic flow of tge situation. You seem to be attempting to force this situation without regard to her.
What do you think her perspective is in all of this?
I’m TRYING to find out.
Well, what do you think she is thinking when you pull her aside, tell her you have something to tell her, and then don't tell her anything? How do you think she is feeling?
I’m an Aspie. Compared to me everyone else is a mind reader. I have no idea what goes through her head. That’s why I need to know. So I don’t head in the wrong direction with any inklings I have.
You are. But don't think human behavior and thought patterns are entirely random or that you can't develop your theory of mind or ability to empathize. Humans are systems. If there were not patterns to behavior we would not be able to represent humans in fiction or construct AI that can pass for human in online interactions.
But we often believe things in fiction that aren’t the case in reality. Like someone falling for someone else just because their admirer has demonstrated that they care for them. We don’t question that. We know lightsabers don’t and probably can’t exist, but we don’t have to suspend our disbelief to accept that honesty works every time. I mean, you should always be honest, but people sometimes react differently to confessions than they do in movies. That’s just one example. My knowledge of how human behavior works comes from fiction. I can’t tell the difference. So I’m often wrong about how people actually feel.
We don't form facts about how other people feel. We hypothesize. We take an educated guess based on what we know, or sometimes, what we feel ourselves or think we would feel ourselves if we were the other person. People on the spectrum are more likely to get this wrong than people who are not on the spectrum, but there are ways you can improve your understanding of others and human interaction.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
11 Mar 2018, 9:06 pm
rktho wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
rktho wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Next chance you see her, you gotta pull the trigger on this thing. Doesn’t matter how you do it, just get it done.
Ok...her talking first...this is GOOD. Always start that way. I know, I know, it derails. Let her run her mouth for 5 minutes (roughly...don’t like, keep looking at your watch the whole time). Between the 5-10 minute mark you say, “hey, listen, I want to tell you something.” And then drop the hammer on it. No more waiting. No more excuses. BAM. Done.
Ok...her talking first...this is GOOD. Always start that way. I know, I know, it derails. Let her run her mouth for 5 minutes (roughly...don’t like, keep looking at your watch the whole time). Between the 5-10 minute mark you say, “hey, listen, I want to tell you something.” And then drop the hammer on it. No more waiting. No more excuses. BAM. Done.
That’s what I TRIED to do. It didn’t work. I froze up. I need to strengthen my tack.
Also, she doesn’t run her mouth off. She just asks me questions. How’s school? What classes are you taking? Your favorite subject is writing? I remember, you write novels. Have you been working on those? Are you going to get them published? I finally said, “Well, what about your classes? What are you taking?” and I learned a bit about her for a change. When the lull in the conversation came I took a deep breath and said her name. I was going to tell her. And then for whatever reason I couldn’t force out of myself.
I’ve been thinking about bringing up some kind of segue. Like, “Have you read Harry Potter? Who’s your favorite character?” And after she told me about hers (assuming she’s seen or read Harry Potter) I’d say, “My favorite character is Ginny Weasley, ‘cause she’s nice, athletic, and comes from the best family ever. Kinda reminds me of someone.” I dunno, that’s just a hypothetical segue I could do. I’m thinking a segue subject would really help, but it’d have to funnel straight into what I was trying to tell her.
You’re overthinking it.
Ugh...you’re Mormons...
I know some Mormons. My aunt is Mormon, but I think my cousins got sick of it and aren’t really affiliated with religion much. At least not that I’m aware of. Anyway, not judging here, and my thoughts on that are more for PPR than L&D. So I’ll try to approach it more from your perspective.
The little bit I know from interacting with Mormons as opposed reading up on the religion is that you are perpetually happy, or at least try to make it appear so. I’ve noticed some very New Age-y kinds of behaviors. More charismatic than Catholics, but not nearly so contemplative. More...I dunno, PRACTICAL.
So start with a vision. Your goal is to ask her to be your gf. More or less. You have a crush on her and at the very least you want to go out and just see where this goes. Maybe it goes nowhere, but you want to know. Hopefully, she’ll reciprocate.
How do you do it? Baby steps. You know you’re going to see her at certain times on certain days. There you go. Then you just ask.
Yeah, yeah, you freeze up. I know. So keep trying.
Start with small talk for a few short minutes. Like always. Let her talk a bit, and keep her talking. This is best practice, anyway. Good manners, makes people relax, let’s them know you’re interested, you’re a good listener.
Basically, you’re being nice. You don’t HAVE to be nice, but you are. You are essentially taking out emotional stock you intend to cash out when you need it. Hitting her with couple talk is cashing out.
You are taking a risk, as you well know, and the risk:benefit ratio is appropriate for what you want to do. If she rejects you, you likely also lose a friend. But what does it matter if you can’t date her? You lose, anyway. So really you either stay right where you are and gain nothing or you gain a gf.
After that initial ice breaking moment, and don’t rush it, THEN just hit her with it. No segue. Just drop the hammer. Don’t overthink it. “Oh, you DID pass that math test you were worried about? I’m so glad! That’s so awesome. You are really awesome. Y’know, I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and I’ve always really liked you. I was kinda wondering if you think, uh...I dunno...maybe we could get to know each other better? Like, maybe as more than just friends?”
That’s it. All you need. Actually, you could simplify it even better than I just did. If you wanna be smooth and segue, that’s as smooth as I’d ever be.
I was far less than any moral ideal. So I went through a brief time that I was just sick of women as a whole. I found myself among women in bad relationships. I could have been, like, “You’re bored and lonely? Hey, guess what! I’m bored and lonely, too! Wanna party?” I’d get the usual “oh, my bf wouldn’t like that,” but sometimes I’d end up taking the girl back to my place.
I’m guessing your intentions are more chaste than mine ever were. My point is that it doesn’t take much. Trying to be perfectly smooth and concentrating on every little detail is gonna make you freeze. So don’t worry so much about delivery.
Just get it done. Quick. Simple.
Visualize it in your head. You can see it like you’re already there. You go up to her just like you have a million times and you talk about ______. And you don’t give it any time, or any more than you have to. Hit her with it. I really like you and _______. Would you like to ______?
Just. Like. That.
Don’t try to control the conversation leading up to it. You’ll freeze. Don’t steer the conversation subtly in that direction. You’ll end up hitting the curve too fast and hit a tree. I want you to drop the hammer and run the car right off the frikken cliff! Go airborne. On purpose, not by accident. You need to visualize this. Doesn’t matter what she talks about at first. Doesn’t matter if you have to forcibly interrupt her at some point. Visualize all kinds of different conversations. You nod your head and say “good. That’s good. Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you____.” BAM.
Or, “oh, I’m so sorry that happened. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you something. ________.” BAM.
Get a picture of this in your head. Get a few hundred of these pictures in your head. They all go the same way. Then you go see her and plug in the algorithm. It seems impossible, but it’s really so easy. Visualize. Act.
If you freeze up, that’s ok. Try again. And again. Eventually you won’t freeze up. But do hurry. My guess is you aren’t the only guy interested in her. Be there or be nowhere.
I’m not interested in a girlfriend and she’s not interested in a boyfriend. I just wanted to go on a few dates with her and see if she starts to reciprocate so that maybe we can steady date in the future. If not, I’m cool to be friends. Mormons take platonic friends on dates anyway.
Her bestie has confirmed she already knows how I feel. She’s not attracted to me. I’m not getting a romantic relationship of any kind out of this. She doesn’t want to get involved with anybody. So I just want to be friends. But good friends. Friends that talk to each other more often than once a week, about stuff other than school. And maybe when we see each other after my mission, I’ll see how she feels about trying out a relationship.
I believe in taking platonic relationships on dates. That’s what dating used to be like before the baby boomer generation screwed it up.
At any rate...whatever it is you’re trying to do, the only way you’re going to do it is to just do it. Apply same approach and see what happens.
Best of luck to you.
