Why can’t I spit it out?

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Thank you.

I’ve emailed her brother and he says it would be better not to say anything. She already knows how I feel and now she knows I know how she feels, so I don’t have anything to clear up with her.

That’s a huge relief, honestly.

I'm glad you have that sort of communicative ability with her brother. Is he a friend of yours?

I wish I could say that she will "take the next step," but it seems doubtful to me (I could be wrong). I would guess that you'll have to "take the next step."

Are you in email contact with her, too?

No. Just her brother. The three of us used to hang out together when we saw each other. Now he’s on his mission. I wish I had her email. Or her number. Especially because she leaves for college in Hawaii in September.

IOW, basically, you punked out.

And you assume the brother is telling the truth because she confided in him, right?

I’m only half serious, btw. I’d have preferred to be more assertive if I was in your shoes, but perhaps things are better off this way.

I have a similar story. When I was away for my teaching internship, my gf was more serious about our relationship than I was while I was still hung up on my most recent ex.

There was this gas station just down the road from the school that had the best barbecue pork sandwiches I’ve ever had. So I’d eat at this place and there was this gorgeous girl cashier. Very nice, funny as heck. I never could work up the courage to even ask her name, much less ask her out. So it was down to my last week when I finally worked up to slightly deeper smalltalk. I think maybe she was picking up on crush-vibes from me, because she said she was taking a year off from school and about to join the military.

Shot. Down. Before I even got STARTED.

Translation: not interested in going out, PERIOD, especially not with YOU.

Maybe she was honest, maybe she was a liar. Maybe I missed my chance. Maybe I never had a chance to begin with. But I’ll never know for sure, will I?

Anyway, I’m sure you intuitively know yours is not a great situation and moving on is best. I suspect you’ll meet someone nice soon if you aren’t already close friends with someone else who’s dateable.

Some commentary on Mormons and dating: as with any religion, there are those who are more observant than others. There are those who take the more practical wisdom more seriously than others. I’m the same way in my own spiritual life. I love the Bible and I take it seriously. And I think Mormons seem to be more adept at applying those principles to day-to-day life than some others. I enjoy the Catholic mass and the deeper, mystical side of it, though I’m not into a lot of Catholic dogma (I’m not Catholic myself). Catholics can be all peace and love. But they can also be self-righteous. And then there are the usual socially obligated Catholics that you wonder if they’re even Christian at all. I can hang out with the peace and love types all day along with the more chill priests. The rest of them are constantly living at odds with church teachings and scripture. I don’t see any actual APPLICATION of faith to daily life.

Mormons are vastly different. All smiles, all the time. Never a bad day. Down side? No one is exempt from conflict. Miserable people will always try to make you miserable. So I worked with a Mormon lady on a musical. First off, she had no idea what she was doing. She demanded exact precision on stage, toes 90 degrees to audience at all times, etc., and she wasn’t really open to any suggestions from me. Deep down she just wasn’t a very nice or well-intentioned person whilst the typical LDS pattern has a heavy emphasis on character. So when everything appeared so unnatural and the actors weren’t cooperative and I had a hard time following her every whim, the constant smile looked like it was engaging more and more muscle groups to hold up.

Applying wisdom = good. Questionable motivations + spiritual wisdom application = failure + misery.

In dating, as with most all of life, these things work really well, which is why I don’t think you’ll be long in finding someone else to go out with. You have your best practices, and you apply them sincerely. The only advice I can give is take emotion out of the equation. Focus on getting to know women in a general kind of way. Make close friends. Narrow down that circle of friends to those you more obviously share mutual attraction. And if you’re seeing each other exclusively for some 3 months, talk marriage. Avoid indulging crushes because that only makes things worse.

I don’t mean be a heartless robot. Not like Smiling-Mormon Lady. I just mean learn to recognize when something is an emotional response not inline with good judgment. I’ve managed to get in serious relationships with crushes only to learn later on just how horrible these girls actually were. I’ve also gone the other extreme: dating available girls because they crushed on me and I was desperate. Some girls are available for a reason. That’s why I’d choose to stay emotionally reserved, attract the most women I could, see who out there really digs me, and decide from there who scores highest on compatibility. My first question is “Who out there COULD I fall in love with?” My next question is who of those reciprocates? Emotions get involved and make the ultimate choice when there’s not just one woman left.

There’s no one right answer, so you decide what best fits your values. Is she rich? Pretty? Great personality? Cute feet? (Ok, that was me!). I mean, what is it? Everyone has a diff answer from diff values, and that’s entirely emotional. Maybe it’s straight from the heart and there aren’t words for it. Until you reach that point, don’t lose your head.

The easy answer is you only associate with a certain type. Maybe you don’t date outside your race or religion. Maybe you avoid all smokers/drinkers/caffeine addicts. Maybe you only date 6 foot blondes. Whatever. You get the practical, logical part out of the way to set yourself up for success without having to overthink it.

That goes back to the LDS experience, too. Your people had a habit of planning everything all the way to the end. Your church should have failed. Setback after setback. And you learned along the way. Same applies to relationships. Plan. Act.

Yeah, her brother says she told him she doesn't have feelings for me-- which I had suspected she'd done ever since the last time I mentioned, offhand, that she was acting weird around me and he said his guess was that she "probably just wasn't interested".

I'm pretty sure she was honest for two reasons: one, I'd already known she was going to BYU Hawaii for college and I'd just forgotten it/didn't take it into consideration until I realized she was leaving soon. And two, her application's been accepted. So that's for real. But she said she's considering attending BYU Provo (where I'm planning to go) after a year at BYU Hawaii. So maybe, maybe, after we've both served our missions we can reconnect and see if she's interested in a relationship. If I'm lucky, by the time we see each other again, either she'll be single and and interested in a relationship, or we'll both have found someone else. If I'm not lucky, she'll have found someone and I won't have. We'll see. I'm planning to talk to her about meeting up again after our missions, just me, her, and her brother, and if we've got girlfriends and she's got a boyfriend, we'll make a triple date of it. I'd love to have her become a platonic friend if we're not meant to be together. I'm rather attached to her family (at least, the members of her family that I've met) and I think it'd be great my friendship with them lasted beyond this stage of my life. (Actually, my attachment to her family is why I fell for her in the first place.)

Finding someone who shares a mutual attraction might be hard. I have literally never noticed anyone displaying signs of attraction toward me unless they actually told me. And even then, I never think they're serious. Mostly because it's always casual complimenting, almost like catcalling but more friendly. I've never had anyone "confess" feelings for me. Maybe I should start taking people seriously when they say they find me attractive.

As for a type, I didn't have one before, but I do now. LDS, strong testimony, good with kids, and the best in-laws I could ever ask for. I hope I'll be able to find someone like that. The first two will be readily apparent. The second two might be hard to test in a college environment.

The last bit is sensible. You’re well on your way. Disagreements on kids, money, religion, in-laws, fidelity (not simply adultery, but honesty in all areas), and intimacy are some of the main factors in divorce.

Your BEST bet is put your social life on hold until after college and mission. I’m Southern Baptist, btw, so I’m holding back what I REALLY wanna say, haha! But what we probably have in common is putting our faith before everything else. Going on mission would probably strain a relationship and have you compromise what you’re there to do. Kinda like I was chasing nowhere girl while a teaching intern. Never sacrifice what you want for what you want RIGHT NOW.

Hey, come to Greenville, MS for mission and look me up. I know a great place for coffee. Wait... I’ll buy you a beer. Wait... Hey, you like Mexican?

Oh yeah, I’m on staff at my church, so alcohol use is strongly discouraged. lol

Mormons don't choose their missions. The Lord tells the apostles where to call them. We don't drink alcohol either, so Mexican sounds good.

Well, good for you for the attempts you made before you were certain. Even though you couldn't bring yourself to say what was on your mind, you had the courage to approach her and that is commendable.

I got so much curious about Mormons and I loved this part:

Chronos, I pick you as my eternal wife.

Let's populate planet centauri.

That’s not exactly how it works.