dating,lack of communication ,shutdowns, confussion

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Hello!
I joined this forum because just like any other neurotypical woman is very confused about her relationship and needs help from friends who are already dating guys with AS and friends who are AS to help me understand my situation and tips in how to handle this relationship the best healthy way.
I've been dating this peculiar, nice, handsome ,smart, funny guy who has Asperger for around 5 months. we are ten years apart, he's in the early 40s and me early 30s. He's divorced and I've never been married. He runs a family company in real estates, I run my own wellness business and work in the medical field
We were set up thru his dad. We live in different states, 2 hours and 30 minutes away. He visits me every other week when I'm off from work and stays for 4 days and when I can, I visit him and stay also 4 days or a weekend.
Since our first dates I noticed something different about him, just wasn't sure back then. It bothered me (still does) that he's so stiff or rigid every time we kiss and when we kiss , it's just for a very short period of time, also notice he doesn't have any intentions for cuddling or even grab my hand. Most of the time I'm the one who initiates the romance which surprises me because he's had several relationships before me so he's been cold with me is something that kinda hurts
It was after couple months we were dating when his dad confessed me he has Asperger and then everything clicked in my mind. I want to note that I get along with his family and his dad and stepmom get along pretty well with mine so we all became very good friends.
Since his dad told me about his condition I've been researching , learning , studying, reading all about Asperger and relationship so I can learn my boyfriend's behaviors. His dad has suggested him to go to see a counselor expert in AS , but his in denial about his condition. I've read nt/as relationships are not easy, I have to be very very very very patience, show him affection understanding and love.
Sometimes I feel I want to leave him, but I have sincere affection and love for him , not at the point to marry him yet because I want him to be aware of his condition and both work on our relationship first.
This is how me (neurotypical girl) hurts me in this relationship:

1.)once he goes back home after his visits , there's no contact for days and I can't handle it so I ended up text him . saying " I haven't heard from you , hope you are having a good day"
He never calls me so I suggested sometimes to do facetime since we don't see each other very often. I know he likes it because he always agrees, but he never asks me to facetime. so sometimes I feel ignored.

2.) His lack of affection. I know this is a very common trait with AS , but according to his dad he wasn't like that 10 years ago.

3.) shutdowns : this is actually new for me. I recently came back for a lovely weekend together and since then , no contact at all

4.) His hobby. He's doing a journal project where he's digitizing his journals since he was 10 years old. Now he's on the "chapters" where he dated his first love which didn't work out then he married this other girl and got divorced and some other relationships that didn't end well. I wonder maybe remembering that triggers him and that's why he's cold with me and thinks just I'm another girl.

5.) He wants a family. He confessed to his dad that he wants children. How he can have children when he doesn't court the woman he claims to love?

I would like to know your thoughts and how to understand him better. What are your suggestions in how to approach him to seek for a professional help . How can I react when he's on the spectrum.
I tried to be direct with him, I already expressed my feelings and my concerns when he behaves like an uncared boyfriend.
Even though a nt/as relationship is very challenging, I accept him the way he is and I'm willing to have a long term relationship. Sometimes I see the effort but then seems he's doing every possible thing to push me away
Thanks for reading

It appears that the onus here is on you. You must decide how much effort it is worth to pursue this relationship.

There are alot of books regarding autism and relationships with those on the ASD spectrum on this website (even if you only use it to find the names and synopsis of such works): https://www.jkp.com/

It is obvious that this relationship is causing you some concern, the two major areas which I think need addressing initially are:

If he does not have an official diagnosis by this point, then it an be very difficult to accept that you are not quite 'the same as everyone else' (I can speak from experience here). Additionally, it is an expensive and/or time consuming endevour, which, if he does not feel would help (i.e. if he does not feel that things in his life need to be improved) it might be difficult to see as worthwile to begin. If you feel that he is pushing you away, and this is something that you don't want, it may indeed be because he is in a low mood. Perhaps by suggesting something ike this (i.e. as it being something that you BOTH have to work towards, rather than as something that he alone has to change. Note that I do not mean that you both work towards changing him and how he expresses things, but towards an improved understanding of what works between you) might be seen as beneficial.

It is also possible that he doesn't realise that anything is wrong I suppose...

Perhaps, after you feel comfortable that you have sufficient knowledge on the subject, it might be worth trying for some relavent relationship counselling (with a suitably trained or knowledgeable practitioner)? Unfortunately, I don't think that things will significantly (or sufficiently rapidly) improve without some sort of third party to arbitrate.


This suggests (best case) that you are concerned that because he is not adequately expressing his love towards you, that you are concerned that he will be the same with any children you may have. I think this is a sensible concern, however, from my perspective at least, these are probably two different things. Does he have any nieces/nephews or existing children? How do you feel he communicates/expresses feelings with them?

I'm afraid I can't answer the other questions, as they could be due to multiple different reasons. However, especially regarding the percieved lack of continuous communication, remember that sometimes people with ASD just need more 'space'.

What is it that makes you desire a relationship with this person?

Not that I'm "shocked"--not at all. I've never gone out with an autistic woman.

I always get the feeling that NT women really like to "take care" of people. That's no criticism, by the way. I feel wanting to "take care" of somebody is nice and good.

Would you say that his, plus your admiration of his mind (or perhaps his "logic") is behind your attraction to him?

Hi. . . . I can only comment as an NT lady with a close friendship (not romantic or sexual) with an Aspie man. . . . Many of the things such as always having to initiate contact. Periods of no contact after spending a nice time together I have experienced in my friendship. I can only imagine it is more difficult if you are in a sexual relationship. The best advice I can offer is that if he says he wants to be with you, and that he cares for you, he will be speaking the truth. However he will probably always be more aloof and distant than you are used to in a relationship, and you should make sure you have plenty of your own interests and friends to fill the gap.

I genuinely believe it is like speaking another language when an NT and an Aspie try to have a close relationship. In my friendship initially I believe I was his special interest and he text me, and contacted me constantly. . . It was therefore a surprise when he went into shutdown mode. We are still working our way forward in order to try and maintain a close friendship. . . But I won’t pretend it isn’t difficult. He can find me smothering, and I can find him critical and scornful. Try to alter your expectations, and remember it is difficult for him too.

I hope it works out for you