Am I crazy?

Post Reply New Topic

I once met the love of my life while walking up the road in the country. She pulled up behind me, I got in her car and we rode to a nice place next to a creek where our dogs first played together. We held each other and we kissed each other for the first time and it was wonderful, it felt like a dream come true. I suppose that the communication where we shared our hearts desires with each other before this time might have had a lot to do with how wonderful it felt to make in person contact with each other. I also suppose that the feeling of "home" setting in when I lay my head on her shoulder also helped for me to fully fall in love at our first meeting.
After a little while at the top of the terrain by the road, kissing and caressing and hugging each other, we made our way down the hill by the water. I helped her to make the hike down carefully and once we were at the bottom, I felt the desire to fully give myself to her... I did this in the form of kissing her feet; an act of pure submission and surrender to her. This was how i expressed my deepest hope to be her counterpart and to grow stronger and better with her influence. A good man is never a good man until he has a great woman in his corner, I once told her this and she said it pulled at her heart strings. The truth is, this is not all of the recipe, even when the man has a great woman in his corner he has to still want to become that good man he has the potential of being and he has to be willing to do his work to become that man as well. I kissed her feet to Express my deep desire to do just that and my hope that she would be the great woman I need in my corner to motivate and encourage me to do just that.
She told me she wanted to be that woman.

From the day that I met her until today I have always touched her with love and admiration. I have touched her with respect and with total dedication and commitment to her happiness. I wish I could say the same about the words I've sent her direction. I cant. I have a f****d up psychology that causes me to doubt myself and to believe that I am not deserving of good things happening to or for me. I sabotage and I am rough and push away those I need the most. It is a defense mechanism that i need to replace with something else. I am my own worst enemy through the creation of self fulfilling prophecies. I have experienced tremendous, prolonged pain and suffering throughout most of my life, admittedly a good bit of this pain and suffering I have brought on myself by being harsh, defensive, hostile and abusive toward those I love, whom I dont want to be able to push away but I still feel compelled to see if I am able to. I do this out of fear and because of low self image.

The love of my life took me home with her. When we got there she wanted me to unpack and make myself feel right at home with her. I have been terrified of ruining our bond ever since. Her shoulder, where her neck and jawline meet, this is my true home. This is the place where I am most confident and most at peace no matter what is happening in the outside or inside worlds. This place brings peace to me even when I am raging but only when her touch in return is inviting and welcoming as it has almost always been. This is the place I will always long to be for as long as we are away from each other and it is the place I crave to be when we are present with each other.

When I settled in, we spent a great deal of time together, touching each other very loving and talking about needs and wants for our futures, even coming up with realistic goals and aspirations to pursue together and making heartfelt promises regarding our intentions toward each other. We spent days naked together and exploring each other, expressing love and intimacy between each other without becoming sexually involved. Our passions grew and our spiritual connection became more and more prevalent with each moment it seemed. When our desires for spiritual intimacy and spiritual connection met their peak for each other we tied our hands together and made vows to each other identifying the other as our true life long partner and mate.

We made promises. I made promises. I promise to never take you for granted and to never abandon you. To stick by your side through thick and thin, for better or for worse and in health and sickness. I will never touch you in a way that is not an expression of pure love and devotion. If I speak to hurt your feelings with my lips, I will stop talking and touch with love instead. I will never leave you or stop loving you and I will love you and only you for as long as I am mortal and then eternally afterwards. "You are my forever love" I told her. The really fantastic yet also tragic reality of the situation is that I fully meant and still do mean these vows to her, even if she needs us separate right now, even if she needs us separate forever.
I will never stop loving her. I will always be true to her. I belong to her and only her because I want it to be this way. I will always be faithful and I will wait til my last breath for reconciliation. I will not engage in relations with anyone else as long as I live and this is a scary commitment for me sometimes because what if she wants someone else or at the very least, doesn't want me? Then I will just be lonely and longing for my true life partner's embrace the whole time.

She is the most amazing woman I have ever known and by far the most amazing to ever give me the time of day... she did this because she believed I was different from her previous abusers but recently I have made her believe that I'm just more of the same. With berating and ridicule and talking down as if she is inferior, I gave her flashbacks to the pain she's known before and she couldn't help but to see me in that same light as those other guys. She felt tricked and that she fell for more of the same. Betrayed and not good enough for true love that can conquer and overcome any challenge. I broke her trust and I deserve to be punished for hurting her with my words.

Nonetheless, I have come to a place seeking help for my pathology that causes me to do this sabotaging behavior. I am seeking counseling and group therapy to help me grow and overcome this. I never want to hurt the love of my life again, though realistically I must expect that I probably will during the process of overcoming my own insecurities and shortcomings if she will take me back, i still wish and hope that i will be able to avoid repeating this behavior in the future. She may not forgive me for my unacceptable behavior to date. She may not ever want to have me back. She may not ever allow me another chance to show her that I am indeed different, only that I have some similar problems but the difference is in my desire and will to overcome those and to improve and grow past them.

I love this woman with all of my being. I hope I will be her choice for life partner. Even if I am not, I will remain true to my vows that I have made to her and if she will not have me back then this will guarantee that I will never hurt anyone like this again. A huge bonus, me and my dog get to improve our bond much more, as I will need his companionship even more in her absence. Whether we are together or separate, whether we have it good or bad, she sets my soul on fire in pursuit of self improvement and for this I can never stop being thankful for. I am thankful I met her even if I will never see her again. I am thankful for the influence she has had on me and continues to have on me thanks to our meeting and getting close to each other. I am sure that for me there is no other whom I want to be with and whom I want to pursue a real and fulfilling life with. I am convinced that there are none who can inspire and motivate me to become a better man like she does. I need this woman. I need to love this woman and to be true to her and only her for as long as I live. If I do this, I will improve myself even if she won't have me back.
I will always long for that second chance to be the man she fell in love with rather than the man she's come to fear. This longing will motivate me to do better even if she will not allow to come near.
I will cherish my true love, Keri, for as long as there is breath in my mortal shell and beyond. I will treasure her forever. I need to do this or I will not become whole or healthy. Pure, unadulterated love is what drive me, inspires me and motivates me to be better. It is what helped me to quit smoking tobacco and it is what has led me to seek professional help for my damaged psychology. The damage that causes me to push her away, that causes me to sabotage good things, that causes me to view myself as inadequate even though she kept expressing seeing something different. It causes me to become defensive and selfish and to speak hostile and make her feel inferior. I do not ever want to repeat this and I suppose there is only 1 for sure way to prevent it... the hardest way imaginable, permanent separation

Still, if she will not give up on me so easily and will not abandon me, I WILL become successful in emotionally maturing. I will be doing treatment 1 on 1 and I will also do group therapy in an environment where it will be "cool" for me to overcome these things. I will will do this long term, perhaps even permanently. And she will not regret having mercy, compassion and forgiveness for me. She can even help encourage me and support my attendance and the whole time live happy from reaping the benefits... hey, I can still dream can't I? Becoming connected with Keri has been a long standing dream come true for me. She is truly special, 1 of a kind and deserving of my full efforts. I hope she will find it in her to take me back one day, even if we must be separate at the moment. I love her and I cannot turn that love off like there is a lightswitch connected to it. I gave her all of me. My devotion and commitment to do whatever it takes to be the man she needs me to be. Counseling, therapy, these are only some of what's clearly needed and I am willing and eager to do everything that's needed. I love her. I cannot stop loving her. I need to keep this hope alive that maybe I must spend this life preparing to love her correctly in the next.

Jesus christ dude... okay, you've got an extreme case of oneitis, I get it.

First of all, you need to slap yourself and wake up from fairytale land, otherwise this will be over real quick. Worshipping her like a queen will not impress, nor make her attracted to you. Most women are attracted to men who actually value themselves.

This applies to abusive behaviour too. Men who abuse women, are 9 times out of 10, men who secretely don't find any value in themselves. A man who truly values himself can't be bothered to abuse women, he's got better things to do.

If you want this girl back, you need to stop apologizing, and stop talking about whatever you did wrong all together. Hang out with her, and make it casual, positive and fun, all that drama will push her away. The only case you will talk about your wrong doings, is if she brings it up, and if she does, I advise you again to keep it positive and brief, honest, but positive. Don't break down and start crying, this will only succeed in making her resent you.

She will respond much better to you actually showing and acting out the change, rather than breaking down and talking for hours about how much you want to change.

That was a very nice post, touching even. Well laid out and ordered. However, it was not written for me and so is very light on important details:

What situation(s) specifically made you feel inferior? Was it because she was talking about things she had done that you hadn't, for example? From what you have written about this, it appears that there were multiple occasions where you felt (jelous?) of something she was talking (with you?) about, making you lash out, at least verbally.

Why group therapy? Obviously, it is one choice when it comes to therapy. Some people find it much easier to talk about things like you have just posted in a group environment. I have tried group therapy, and I found it completely impossible to discuss my own problems. Helping others explore theirs and suggesting solutions of how they might overcome them was fine, but I just couldn't, for some reason that I'm still unable to adequately explain, talk about my own. In order for something like this to work, you must be honest with yourself and others, and never 'gloss over' facts or situations which, upon recollection, cast you in less than favourable light.

It is unclear from what you have written whether there are any other circumstances behind your decision to seek some form of counselling, but I suspect that there are. I am only suggesting this because it helped me greatly; write down in as close to a list as you can manage, the things that you think are causing (or contributing) you to act in a way that you feel is bad. Something like this will help to prevent you from forgetting to mention any important details to a counsellor, group or therapist.