loving a narcissist with BPD

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why is it settling? you think i can do better? or ("better")

im not good looking, though. my hair is too thick, i'm skinny in all the wrong places, i have no jaw and a huge nose, i slouch, i have an odd gaze and i have the aura of a murderer and people aren't shy to let me know that.

and no, "roman noses" aren't attractive. the incredibly marginal difference in breathing ease isn't worth looking like a bird.



i felt indebted to her because she was the first person ever to really pay attention to me, when i was a child basically, my first "real friend" and now that (she says) she is in a dark part of her life i feel like i should be returning the favor, no matter how sh***y her behavior is.

relationships don't have to be easy to be worth it, and i do enjoy our time together. but from what i see of her, she doesn't seem vulnerable, troubled or really in any kind of danger at all.

i guess...i just need spontaneity and a willingness to do stuff in a partner/friend, and i've never met anyone else quite like her in that regard.
it would be much easier to drop her if i did. when i started dating my ex, i thought she would be like that, but just leaving the goddamn house proved to be an insurmountable task for her in numerous occasions. and i grew frustrated.

and now that i am out of high school (and haven't met anyone in college), it is extremely unlikely i ever will meet someone else.

does that make sense?

why should i give a s**t at all.

I feel a lot of sympathy towards my narcissist husband, I really don't think he understands what he does, I think he's lacking any depth of understanding of people. It leaves him forever frustrated and dissatisfied that people aren't doing what he sees as the right thing. I'd hate to have to live with that level of dissatisfaction.

But I've also just left him. Because even if it's not his fault, and regardless of how much sympathy I have for him, I can't live with that level of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. It was destroying me, it was destroying our kids to the point that my daughter developed her own mental health issues.

The others are right. Find someone else.

Uhmm, awkward I have BPD with some other cluster B traits. Just wanna say that these heavily stigmatized personality disorders don't make someone inherently a bad person. If you're willing to not be a judgmental person you'll find people with cluster b traits just wanna be loved like everyone else, and can easily find themselves in situations where they are the ones being abused and used. so yeahhh

Excellent point.

No, I don’t think that makes you a band person. But it does play a determining factor in how you respond to others. You may not, for instance, INTEND to hurt someone. But you pose an increased risk of abuse towards another person.

If you are AWARE of these tendencies and can manage your behavior, or take medication, or whatever it takes, that’s one thing. If your partner understands your behavior and can cope or help you cope, that’s GREAT. But for most people dealing with things with someone with these disorders is extremely difficult. It’s not fair to judge people for not wanting to feel abused.

No. They cannot accept equality, so can't love. They only love their image of themselves.

I would say no. They won't admit to doing anything wrong (unless it gets something), but they know that everyone else views their actions as wrong. They are very careful to hide or deny behavior. They're totally aware of what they're doing, or else they wouldn't hide stuff. They'd be surprised that everyone thinks they're wrong, whereas in reality when they are confronted they deny or rage out. So they know.

so, it's hopeless.

It’s not hopeless for you, Kip.

I am sure you could attract an arty-type person who likes people who fix things.

I know you feel bad about this person. I felt bad about someone when I was 21, too.

I would say you, quite possibly, dodged a bullet.

Many girls, especially those of an “alternative” mindset, would probably dig you.

Well, you can't change other people, cluster B or otherwise. I guess you just have to ask how much of this person you want in your life. In my experience, these individuals will try to monopolize your time and no amount of love or acceptance is ever enough, and they love to see you stressed, frustrated, and unfulfilled. Enough of that trauma and you can become "addicted" to it. So it may be wise to avoid them before they make you too wary of the decent people out there. These people have great empathy (in the sense of reading people), but no compassion. You can't have needs in their world. I chose to cut out these people since I've given them enough, or keep them at arm's length if I must deal with them (such as coworkers). Look up "gray rock" if you're not familiar. Being dull and not playing into their need for drama and crisis may help solve your problem if you don't feel you can cut this person out of your life.

It is hopeless. I know that this is a hard thing to accept when you love someone i've been there and I didn't want to believe it either but now I wish I had listened to people sooner. I posted in forums just like you and I asked people close to me in real life what to do and they all said the same thing - LEAVE HIM. These people never change.

I wouldn't listen. I asked for advice but I could not take it and the thing is the longer you stay the worse it gets and the worse you'll feel as your partner will keep promising a change and things might be good for a short time and then it's back to square one again. That never stops. Narcissism is something a person will have all their life and it's very nasty. Sure they can't help it - it's a disorder! - but that doesn't excuse their behavior. You can't "save" him so don't even try, you'll be disappointed just like everyone else who's been in your position because sadly it's not an uncommon position to be in.

Accept that the heart can be wrong and in this case it is. There are men out there whom you won't have to feel this way with, who are loving and kind and protective. This may be a hopeless situation but you are not in a hopeless place, you can break free and live a great life away from toxic people.

Do not feel bad for him at all. These people enjoy manipulating, they go after people who are easy to manipulate on purpose and they are really good at pretending emotions they don't have so you'll feel even more sorry for them and continue to stay and let them control you. You can't change another person... You never can. We have 0 control over other people but we do over ourselves and our own lives so take back the control and break free as soon as possible!

well i just blocked her from everything.

it was hard but that was almost 20 hours ago and i'm not regretting it yet.

i reached out to her in a time of need and i was ignored again (completely unsurprised) and decided enough was enough.

the last timed i tried to break free, i left the door open by leaving her social media presence visible and i caught feelings slowly but surely as i witnessed her self inflicted "decay" from a distance and decided to contact her out of concern and support. i was made a pawn, and eddie is the flying monkey. i imagine he will break away soon as well.


i won't make that mistake again. i'm going to download the DTTTF (pics of her i have) to some flash drives and remove them from my computer.



..

i usually don't like idealizing people and prefer seeing them for who they really are, but sometimes even a distorted image is better than the terrible reality

I loved one, but it just led me to a very bad place and C-ptsd that will last a lifetime. Its definitely not worth it, and I believe they should hand out a book by Pat Craven called 'the dominator' with every diagnosis, just so you are well aware of what these cretins actually do. I think aspies are a gift to them myself.

I am proud of you Kip. You did good. What must this have been difficult for you. It will be tough but worth it in the end.

Wish you much strength in this. Good luck!

Surely and admin could fix that?

One book that has helped me is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I’ve also found the meetings of Codependents Anonymous helpful as well. I believe there is hope, but I’m stubborn that way.