RE: Aspie men and the chase

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Pjscrab
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26 Jul 2018, 1:37 pm

Tequila wrote:

Pjscrab wrote:

there was no chase with mine. He seemed disinterested right from the start. We have been married 7 years and yet he is so detached. I decided to divorce him. I waited 7 years thinking he’ll come around but he’s just weird and unaffectionate.

I am also wondering abt the sex part. It is very weird and not anything like I had with NTs. It was ok at the beginning and then it was just twice an yr thing after that - which both of us don’t enjoy now.

Are we pets or shirts? "My" Aspie?

You want someone to control rather than a real person. I wouldn't want that.

I am on the spectrum too although not diagnosed and more on the mild side. He is diagnosed with some severe sensory issues. And with mine I meant my husband. Not like my aspie. He hid his diagnosis anyway until we went to therapy sessions for my daughter and found out he had therapy as a kid. That’s when he told me the whole story. I told him I could be on the spectrum right when we met.

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angeluhihu
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26 Jul 2018, 10:55 pm

My boyfriend of almost five years (undiagnosed Aspie) pursued me the same way. Whenever I feel that we're not communicating effectively or as much as we need to (we're in LDR too), I tell him and emphasize its importance to me. He is understanding and always try to be better

sly279
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27 Jul 2018, 12:07 am

Pjscrab wrote:

there was no chase with mine. He seemed disinterested right from the start. We have been married 7 years and yet he is so detached. I decided to divorce him. I waited 7 years thinking he’ll come around but he’s just weird and unaffectuonate.

I am also wondering abt the sex part. It is very weird and not anything like I had with NTs. It was ok at the beginning and then it was just twice an yr thing after that which both of us don’t enjoy now.

Aspies are all different. I’m very clingy, romantic, lovey, others are distant, etc

Same with sex, some are non sexual while others like me are hyper sexual

rdos
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27 Jul 2018, 8:53 am

A lot of meaningless talk about "aspies being people".

To answer the question, I think it is quite right that aspies put down a lot more work on "the chase" than NTs will, and it is also true that they prefer to put down less work when in a relationship. So, aspies are different from NTs in this regard. You can think of it like this: The sum of "the work" in a relationship is similar for aspies and NTs (because it's costly, and thus potentially detrimental for survival if you overdo it). Since aspies put down so much more effort during courtship, it only makes sense that they put down less work in a relationship. It's an evolutionary adaptation.

rdos
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27 Jul 2018, 9:01 am

sly279 wrote:

Pjscrab wrote:

there was no chase with mine. He seemed disinterested right from the start. We have been married 7 years and yet he is so detached. I decided to divorce him. I waited 7 years thinking he’ll come around but he’s just weird and unaffectuonate.

I am also wondering abt the sex part. It is very weird and not anything like I had with NTs. It was ok at the beginning and then it was just twice an yr thing after that which both of us don’t enjoy now.

Aspies are all different. I’m very clingy, romantic, lovey, others are distant, etc

Of course. We are talking about biases, not "aspies are like that" and "NTs are like that". It makes no sense to claim that because there are all variants in aspies this means aspies and NTs are the same. It doesn't mean they are the same at the population level because some things are more common in aspies while other things are more common in NTs.

sly279 wrote:

Same with sex, some are non sexual while others like me are hyper sexual

Yet, being asexual is not the opposite of being hypersexual, and it is quite possible to be both. That's because neurodiverse asexuality relates to disliking sexual intercourse, and especially for the purpose of bonding, and hypersexuality doesn't mean you want to have sexual intercourse five times per day or something. Actually, I think hypersexuality is mostly about masturbation.

Fnord
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27 Jul 2018, 9:04 am

rdos wrote:

A lot of meaningless talk about "aspies being people"...

It is meaningful to claim that Aspies are people, because: (1) Aspies are people, and (2) People tend to forget this.

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rdos
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27 Jul 2018, 9:13 am

Fnord wrote:

rdos wrote:

A lot of meaningless talk about "aspies being people"...

It is meaningful to claim that Aspies are people, because: (1) Aspies are people, and (2) People tend to forget this.

No, it is not. It's just a bad argument used to push ideas that there are no differences between aspies and NTs.

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27 Jul 2018, 9:14 am

rdos wrote:

Fnord wrote:

rdos wrote:

A lot of meaningless talk about "aspies being people"...

It is meaningful to claim that Aspies are people, because: (1) Aspies are people, and (2) People tend to forget this.

No, it is not. It's just a bad argument used to push ideas that there are no differences between aspies and NTs.

Do you also believe that Aspies are not people?

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rdos
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28 Jul 2018, 12:56 pm

Fnord wrote:

Do you also believe that Aspies are not people?

Define "people".

Fnord
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28 Jul 2018, 5:40 pm

rdos wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Do you also believe that Aspies are not people?

Define "people".

Evasive answer, implying that you believe something other than human ancestry defines a person.

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rdos
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29 Jul 2018, 6:35 am

Fnord wrote:

rdos wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Do you also believe that Aspies are not people?

Define "people".

Evasive answer, implying that you believe something other than human ancestry defines a person.

OK, so you define "people" as a creature that has human ancestry. Typically, human ancestry means NT ancestry, or African ancestry, and so with that definition, aspies are not people.

If you define people based on physical appearance, then aspies certainly are people.

Peacesells
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29 Jul 2018, 6:39 am

rdos wrote:

Fnord wrote:

rdos wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Do you also believe that Aspies are not people?

Define "people".

Evasive answer, implying that you believe something other than human ancestry defines a person.

You base your argumentation on the false premise that human ancestry=NT ancestry.

rdos
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29 Jul 2018, 7:16 am

Peacesells wrote:

You base your argumentation on the false premise that human ancestry=NT ancestry.

So, is it false? Don't we have "a science" of human behavior that is entirely based on NT human behavior? Isn't it the case that about 1/3 of the so called "human universals" are not part of neurodiversity, and so neurodiversity is not included in the concept of "being human" according to science. You can tackle this problem either by ignoring it, or by actually claiming that aspies are not human or people. At least until these problems in science are fixed, I think it is necessary to claim that neurodiversity is not included in the definition of being human. It certainly should be, but it currently isn't.

Luhluhluh
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29 Jul 2018, 7:49 am

rdos wrote:

Typically, human ancestry means NT ancestry, or African ancestry, and so with that definition, aspies are not people.

Aspies are not human beings???

What are they? And please cite some sources, I'm interested.

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Peacesells
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29 Jul 2018, 7:51 am

rdos wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

You base your argumentation on the false premise that human ancestry=NT ancestry.

If it is not false you have to prove it with logical argumentations, not try to make us accept it as some sort of dogma. The science of human behaviour is not based 100% on neurotypicals, a clear demonstration of this is that autism and neurodiversity are addressed by it and such difference is not enough to label such individuals as non-human.

rdos
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29 Jul 2018, 8:07 am

Peacesells wrote:

No, normal human behavior doesn't include autistic or neurodiverse traits. According to science, neurodiverse traits are dysfunctions and not part of normal human behavior. A large number of them have been put in diagnostic manuals of psychiatric disorders.

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