Communication trouble and depression since diagnosis

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My partner has gotten depressed since I was diagnosed with Aspergers about two weeks ago. We had been having communication challenges for months. With the diagnosis she feels that she doesn't know how to communicate with me and I think she's questioning whether or not we were ever able to communicate at all. In reality, we've been reading each others' minds and completing each others' sentences since day one.

Is this kind of thing typical? Has anyone been through this before? What helped?

I think it is typical for people to flounder a little when a new diagnosis enters the picture while they try to decipher what it means. For her, she may now be questioning if all that "reading each other's minds" was real or an inaccurate perception. She may also be grappling with how long held misconceptions about autism mesh with the reality she sees in front of her. Everyone is going to handle something like this differently; there is no right answer; but it always takes some time.

The first thing I would recommend is to let her know that you understand and respect her need to process, and that you are willing to give her the space she needs. Second, ask her if she is willing to share her thoughts about all this (and then just LISTEN, inaccurate thoughts and all). Third, ask her if it is OK to share your perspective, which is that you haven't changed and your ability to communicate with her hasn't changed, only her perception of your ability to communicate. Another idea is to discuss the possibility of meeting with a professional to help with the transition. Finally, perhaps it would be helpful to agree to "check" each other on all that mind reading until she feels secure about it again.

I hope you can both find your way through this.

Finishing each others sentences sounds like a good sign. My wife is not native born and as a result she sometimes struggles for the right word. So when she gets stuck, I will throw out the best word that I think she is looking for and she will then let me know if it is the word she is seeking or not. Most times I nail it. We have been married 44 years.

Like what?



Did she say this to you?



I'm really curious to first hear what communication challenges you've had.

I'm NT and my long-term partner is AS. We had some communication difficulties at first, mostly due to my use of language (speaking in slang, use of metafores, idioms, colloquialisms, sarcasm, etc.), and his pedantism, my assumption that everyone can read body language and cues, and his not even seeing it or recognizing it.

We've overcome quite a lot by me reading everything I can on autism spectrum disorders, becoming familiar with difficulties they face, the difficulties couples may face (when it's an NT/AS) and I guess just talking to people.

It's not impossible, it does take some openness to learn however.

Thank you so much Luhluhluh for sharing your perspective. It's both really comforting to hear and also insightful. I might be missing some pieces of the puzzle.

I would say something with good intentions. She would get upset. I would recognize that she was upset and try to repair. She would still be upset. Now she's in an emotional state and I'm trying to repair with logic. I'm not successful. She stays upset. I get frustrated, but my body language starts to look scary. Now she's both upset and scared, conflict escalates. I eventually give up, feeling completely defeated. I shutdown. She backs off, realizing that I'm no longer really participating in the interaction. She stays upset for a few hours. I stay shutdown for a few hours. We would slowly try to meet each other back in a loving place but it usually took about 2 days to get back to normal.

Once I was diagnosed she had an Aha! moment. She finally realized that I was actually telling the truth when I said that my intent had been misinterpreted. She says that me saying something with good intent, but awkward looks exactly like an NT male saying something malicious or manipulative and trying to cover it up. She now realizes that I'm not trying to cover anything up, that I have been honest with her all along and that my awkwardness fits a stereotype which is rather easy to recognize once you know what to look for.

Nonetheless, my awkwardness (which people who meet me publicly say they cannot detect, only people who've known me for a long time in a close relationship say they can see the connection and only when I describe it to them) causes emotional injury, likely due to undeveloped Theory of Mind on my part. I still struggle to repair once I cause that injury. It's a painful challenge that I hope I learn to overcome.



She said a couple of weeks after the diagnosis that she had begun to question whether or not we had ever really connected. She feared that everything was purely mimicry or an act and that I had never had the ability to actually connect at all. And based on that, she wasn't sure if we were connecting in that moment or had the potential to connect in the future.