Aspergers Boyfriend Confuses Me?

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Sweetsara: quit freakin out and just enjoy being in a relationship with this guy.

I’m not going to go into my story on why I freak out. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and it’s hard for me to be in relationships too because I naturally freak out. (Yes I’m seeing a therapist so I don’t need the “get help” speech.) all I need is opinions. I know no Aspergers person is the same. But I just don’t want to be screwed over again. That’s why idk what to do. Believe or not believe. Idk.

If you were in my shoes, you’d understand

Why were you snooping in his phone?

Why would he keep nude pics of exes? Remember the show Scrubs?
JD's dad (John Ritter): "You know what they say about men."
Turk: "They love the boobies......"
JD's dad: "That is correct, Christopher."

Just so I'm clear, you're totally ok with him being in love with his exes before he met you, you're just bothered that he says he didn't when maybe he actually did. Is that it? Or, are you also bothered that he may in fact have loved them?

Just like someone else said, asking questions about exes can be a bad thing. I don't care about specific details about my wife's past relationships nor she about mine and we've been married 17 years.

I disagree with what someone said to the effect that NTs have a corner on the amorous relationship market and NDs don't/can't. I believe Kortie is on record saying he's had numerous relationships in his life. I had a good number of them myself in my younger days.

I wouldn't ask you to reveal your age, but I'm wondering if you're younger. I can't picture a woman in her thirties or older talking to her boyfriend's family about whether he loved his exes.

What do you think needs to happen in order for things to be better between you two?

By the way you talk, you sound like you’ve been in DBT. I’ve been in that therapy (lol although I could be wrong.) I have no issue if he loved them or not, I just feel he isn’t being honest because what I’ve seen contradicts what he’s telling me. He doesn’t have his ex’s nudes. He got rid of them long before me. I was just confused on why do those things I listed if he quote on quote “didn’t love her”. Does that make sense? I just don’t wanna be lied to, that’s all.

Sometimes Aspies can have problems understanding or not recognizing their emotions/feelings. It's possible for an Aspie to love someone & show it by their actions but not realize that they actually do love them. Perhaps that's the case with your Aspie OP but he feels like he loves you maybe because he loves you more. It's much better to judge an Aspies love by their actions instead of if they say they do or not.

You've gone into BPD detective mode and have started responding to perceived threats. Your method of clearing things probably feels like a confrontation to him.

You are likely to drop your own bombs whilst rooting around for evidence that fits the case you're building and he's likely to stop sharing things with you which surface later on and trigger you.

If you are going down this route already, give him a bit of time to do his hobbies, it's tiring for us dealing with emotional issues!

Last edited by Sahn on 01 Nov 2018, 4:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think he sincerely believes this at the moment. He may have had similar thoughts about somebody else in the past. The key word in that sentence is "past".

Ask HIM!

We don't know him, and we don't know you. We can't read minds or foretell the future, either. So either accept his answers and stop fishing for the ones you want, or dump him, move on, and find another man to be suspicious of.

Either way, it's not up to us to tell you what to believe.

Yet you sneakily snooped on his phone.

a. What holds up a relationship is trust.

b. You do not trust him.

: : You have no relationship.

QED

My guess is that Aspies are hard to read because many of us don't understand body language. Which goes both ways. We don't give off body language clues nor do we read them.

But, it sounds like you don't have the level of trust needed for a relationship.

OK...that makes sense now. Be warned: I actually DO like people--it's just that I'm a straight-shooter and can sometimes rub people the wrong way without meaning to.

I dated a girl once who seems to have a lot in common with you. I can't say if she was BPD; I don't know whether she was or not, and I don't go around diagnosing people. But she did have very similar behaviors as described about BPD folks. Suffice it to say I'm not going to judge you, and a lot of what I'll say is pure speculation; take it for what it's worth.

Our relationship got off to a great start. But it didn't take long for me to find out she was whiny and had serious self-esteem issues. I'd never managed to stay in relationships for very long, so I admit I tended to be clingy in the extreme. I'd been going to a music camp every summer and never intended to break that pattern, and she could get crazy-whiny about me going off every summer for a week. Well, before we started dating, I'd met this girl at camp and got to know her. Amazing girl, and we were very good friends. Long story short, we were alone one night and it just happened. We kissed for a while, nothing colossal. But it was bad enough that I felt guilty about it. And I didn't want to leave my gf. So I did what I thought you were supposed to do: I fessed up.

I only THOUGHT our relationship was tense before that. Afterwards I couldn't make any kind of moves without her knowing. I couldn't do anything without reporting to her about it first. And I just grew to accept that was the way it was and the way it would always be if I cared at all to be in a relationship with her. I thought I loved her. The truth is I was just too afraid to be alone and didn't want to work to meet another girl.

And because she'd gone so ballistic and because of a slough of other circumstances, I kept my mouth SHUT about other girls ever since. Was I a coward? You bet. It was hard to admit I didn't really love her or really want to be with her, but cheating on her should have been my first indication something was gravely wrong with us. My actions weren't her fault. But I never could figure out what it was about her that cheating didn't bother me any more than it did. I couldn't figure out why it was just so much easier keeping secrets. Eventually I realized the only person I was really hurting was myself. So I left her. It had gotten so bad I'd rather have been alone for the rest of my life than be with HER. But sometimes I could honestly say that as bad as she was punishing me for being with her, the least I could do was something to get punished for. And that's when I left.

What triggered me breaking up with her after 6 years was this girl who ghosted me way back when suddenly showed back up in my life. She was a special kind of person, someone I never thought I'd have any hope of being with. It woke me up to the fact that I'd been deluding myself. If I had zero chance with anyone else, how the heck did I manage ending up with girls and cheating on her in the first place? And why didn't I really feel all that guilty about it? I'd been with the right girls all along. I was just too much of a coward to do something about it. I never came clean about everything I did since that first girl.

My best friend and I, on the other hand, have gone through phases of cheating and breakups. While we never approved of what the other was doing, and considering the two fights we had over it, we always felt that we COULD come to each other and start over. We could forgive each other. And eventually we reached a point that we both had to admit to each other what we were doing apart from each other was stupid. And since we reached that point there's been no one else between us.

You have to ask yourself this: Are your feelings rooted in reality, or is it directly related to BPD and what your condition causes you to feel? Is it logical to feel the way you do, or is it irrational? Do you recognize the consequences of reacting based on irrational emotion, and can you resist giving into it? Can you separate the person you really want to be from the condition?

Strictly speaking honestly here, but BPD people are almost impossible to get along with for a great length of time. You may not intend to be this way, but the condition often induces those with it to form toxic, parasitic relationships with others they feel are weaker and easy to manipulate. My advice to guys dating BPD girls is often to RUN. Take her somewhere romantic, somewhere meaningful to you both. Have one last really good date together. At some point around mid-afternoon, have her sit down and tell her that you both need to talk. Ask her if she's really happy in the relationship, and I mean REALLY happy. Relive the happy moments, remind her how great a person she is, how sad it makes you that you've had some bad moments and that you wish you could go back to when things were good. Point out that you're just not the same couple. You'll always love her and have no doubts she can make some lucky guy truly happy. But as much as you hate to admit it, you're just not going to be that guy. Give her all the time she needs to cry it out, to beg, plead, scream...whatever, and by sunset the relationship is over. Do not make contact of any kind: No texts, no social media, no emails--NOTHING. SAY that you can just be friends, but understand saying that is really just a courtesy. In order to have a breakup, you have to BREAK UP.

That's the advice I'd give a guy in your bf's position.

NOW...

Having said that...

If you are both conscious of your condition and you have ways of working through that, it would be unfair to simply say "break up." If you can make it work, more power to you. But you MUST learn what of your behaviors are inappropriate, how to recognize what you're doing, and how to replace the negatives with positive habits. I like picking my nose. I had my finger up my nose through half my childhood. There aren't many times during the day I don't still pick my nose. But I've learned enough not to pick my nose in front of people. You're in a cognitively similar position. Examine every thought, every feeling for hints that your reactions are based on something that distorts your perception of reality and try to see through the illusion. If your bf were to claim to other he was proud to have you as a gf, what kinds of behaviors would YOU be doing that would make him say he's proud of you? Be THAT girl.

Lastly, despite what I said, your outcome need not be bleak. It is risky, but NOT hopeless.

I recognize that it's easy for you to freak out. Be aware of what causes that, take back control of yourself. I promise you can do this.

Best wishes, and keep us updated on how things are going in your relationship!

This ^^^ is how one deals with any mental condition.

I would also add that journaling helps a lot with the process of sorting out feelings from reality.

I start by writing how I feel, and then work backwards and examine what really happened (I guess being ASD works here, because it makes me analyze everything )

Like AngelRho, I've also have a girlfriend who has BPD well she's on the border of having it. She has afew forms of depression & lots of anxiety issues along with her BPD. She can be a handful sometimes. There are times I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, there other times where I really feel like she'd be better off without me. She sometimes makes me feel like I'm not being supportive enough & that I'm part of the reason her life sux. I sometimes wonder if she'd be happier if she moved back in with her parents. She insists she's better off with me & she cant have the kind of life with her parents she 1ce had. she's trying to work on herself thou & is seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, & GP to work on her physical issues. She hadn't seen a doc in 15 years before we moved in together. I convinced her to get treatment NOT because she's difficult for me but because I want her to feel better. I really do love her & want what's best for her. Yeah she has issues but I know very well I have more than my fair share of mine. I have two exes & both relationships lasted around 6 months although I was friends with my 1st girlfriend a while 1st & we got back together for a short time after we broke up. All 3 of my relationships were long distance till I moved across the country to be with my current girlfriend. I know I loved & still love both of my exes but I understand feelings & emotions better than some Aspies. I think my 1st girlfriend had some of the symptoms of BPD but she was a bit younger than me. She was 15 when I was 20. We talked about feelings alot sometimes & I tried to help her with her issues. That's one of the reasons I get along with my current girlfriend so well, because I try my damndest to be supportive. I also had/have some issues of BPD myself. I hated the idea of being alone after me & my 1st girlfriend broke up & I fell into a psychotic depression over it. I was diagnosed with BPD & codependency along with Aspergers & sever depression. I kind of got over the BPD & codependency some as my depression lifted & I worked on myself. Besides taking meds I joined a support group for people with depression, anxiety & bipolar for a while, I started working for a couple years, I tried counseling for alittle bit, I posted about things online trying to analyze, sort things out, get things out of my system, find others who related & understood, find sympathy, & advice I could use. I was single for 8 years after me & my 1st girlfriend broke up & I HATED being alone. I felt abandoned at times & I felt that way after my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me. I definitely relate to your guy hating being alone after his breakups because I sure as f#ck did. Part of the reason the relationships fell apart is because I was kinda needy & clingy within them. I'm like that with Cass too but she likes that for the most part. We're both very affectionate & try our best to be supportive of each other & we really do love each other. Anyways I can relate to the Aspie the OP has. Both my previous relationships lasted about 6 months, I felt abandoned & hated being alone after the breakups, & my current girlfriend is the only one I moved in with. That said, I know I loved both my exes but I worked on myself & talked about & tried to understand emotions & feelings & things. I would NOT say I love my current girlfriend more than both my exes but I love all 3 of them in different ways. I really do think that the OP's Aspie doesn't realize he loved his exes or doesn't want to believe that he does & is in denial with himself. He also has done a lot to show the OP that he loves her & even if he does love his exes, he is doing what he can to make the realtionship work & the fastest way he will leave the OP is if she keeps pushing him on the issue of him loving his exes. It sounds to me like he's doing his best to make the realtionship work & things have gone alot further with the OP than with his exes(like me) & that really should count for something. It may also help if they would both get couple's counseling to better understand each other & so the OP can feel more comfortable trusting him.

One of my favourite lines from the modern Battlestar Galactica was when the commander (sorry can't remember character names) asked one of the crew if he had loved someone (who turned out to be a cylon) and he said "I only thought I did." And he replied "If you thought you loved her, you did."

I can also say that my feelings about past relationships have completely faded in such a way that I don't now feel that I did love those people. The relationships weren't good. It feels a million miles from the way I feel now about my partner. But the reality is I was in love with my past boyfriend, I was in love when I got married. It feels weird saying it now. It doesn't feel real anymore, but it was true then - I can know that intellectually without FEELING it.

It may be that your Aspie boyfriend is having trouble empathising with his past self (in a way) and seeing those emotions. So now that he doesn't feel that way about them, he has a hard time remembering that he really did feel those emotions. He says he loves you in a different way (and that may be true). He says he didn't love them before - and I would guess that this is true in a sense. And that is the closest you will get.

I know that I am a different person now with a later life love and it is more mature and feels richer.

@elkclan I think you're right.