Does this happen to anyone else?

Post Reply New Topic

High functioning aspie guy here. I have noticed a pattern in my interactions with women I like and wonder if anyone can relate.

Basically, I really struggle when it comes to spontaneous interactions with women I like. I feel like I am pretty good at socializing in most situations now, but I still struggle in this one area. I will give an example of what I mean.

I met a woman I really liked last semester at my university. We were in work study together. We saw each other several times a week and got along great. I developed a crush on her and vowed to ask her out the next time I saw her. At the very end of the semester, I randomly ran into her outside of work study and she initiated a conversation with me. I exchanged some pleasantries with her, asked how her finals were going and that was that. I didn't ask her out. I didn't chicken out or get cold feet. I just literally didn't even think to do it in the moment because I wasn't expecting to see her. Afterward, I thought of all the things I should have said and kicked myself. I vowed I would definitely ask her out next time.

Fastforward to 2019 and I havent seen her since that chance meeting in December. It is Valentine's Day of all days and I randomly run into her again. She was happy to see me and gave me chocolates. We had a pleasant conversation and caught up and that was that. Again, I failed to ask her out. And again, I am kicking myself for it. I literally didn't even think to ask her out in the moment. This defies all logic because I have thought about her every day since we last saw each other.

It is like I dont have the social intelligence to say what I want to say in those spontaneous situations. I only think of them afterward.

Can anyone relate to this? And if so, have you found a solution for this problem?

That is pretty common. In fact, that's happened a lot with me as a high schooler, where I would know a few friendly people in a class, then when the semester is over, they become irrelevant in my world again.

If you haven't already, go look her up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. You two know each other, so don't worry about coming off as creepy. Or if you see someone you know knows her, ask them for her phone number. And of course, there's always the chance you will run into her again.

You may want to consider suggesting something like getting together for coffee.

You might say that since you don't get much of an opportunity for conversation with these chance encounters that perhaps she might be interested in such an event.

This allows consideration of the possibility without the risk of an actual invitation. If the person responds positively, things like a phone number can be solicited.

If the person declines with something like, I am pretty busy, then the suggestion can be dismissed casually with a "perhaps some other time".

It is important to remember that this is only the beginning of the interview process. If you allow yourself to think in terms of "crush" you may find yourself getting involved too quickly with someone you wish you had know better first.

Anything important goes onto a To-Do list with all the other things I need to do. As I accomplish a task, I draw a line through the item. If you have a crush on her, then put her on your to-do list. And then figure out how you will accomplish the task of asking her out on a date.

You're probably having wishful thinking and being unnecessarily obsessive for a woman that you are not meeting frequently anymore, investigate if she has someone first before anything else.

Can you connect with her via social media? If you don't see each other often that might be your best bet, assuming she isn't currently with anyone.

I came across a comment in an Autism group several years ago and after reading it I had epiphany; I think it may apply here.

"So as an Aspie besides misreading cues, I also probably send off cues of being disinterested when I am actually interested. The more interested I am the more I will probably shut down. So who knows how many guys might be attracted to me but think I could care less about them."

In expanse of that, when interested...excited, stressed or what have you part of my brain just shuts down. I can only deal with what is in front of me. I, like you, maybe had a thought that I would ask something, but it'd completely fly out of my head while I was only able to process what was happening in the moment. It's like a brain glitch for me

I wish I could ask her out for you. Just do it and see what happens. Don't feel bad if she says something like, "I like you as a friend." Some guys get mad if they're "friend-zoned". These days with all the atrocities in the news, women are a little bit scared and might need to get to know you better as a friend before they date you. Dating implies kissing and maybe more. Boundaries drop and so do pants, You have to watch yourself.