Is it time to stop trying?

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This was posted first in what looks to be an OLD forum, so I am posting again in hopes of honest feedback.

I am NT and married to an Aspie. We have been married for 3 of our 8 years together. We tend to go through a few types of cycles, and I don't know how much energy I can put toward the relationship any longer. I am writing this to gain some insight and advice. Please know that I am very aware there are varying social and physical struggles for Aspies and expect this may be frustrating for some to read. I sincerely am at the end of my rope and seeking help.

Our physical cycle starts with gradual decline in some type of touch or frequency of sex (verbal intimacy has never been a thing with us even though he knows how to flirt with others when playing a role to socialize). I then start feeling lonely or doubting that he cares as much as he used to, and I think "he used to be willing to do blank, but now he is not. Does it mean he doesn't care as much?" When/if I bring my concerns to him (sometimes calmly,sometimes not), he perceives it as being told he is not good enough. I then feel like I must not be good enough or have been too insensitive and decide to comprimise/stop asking for that particular expression of intimacy. Sometimes he temporarily tries to be more cognizant, but it never really seems to stick as part of the routine, and almost all intimacy has now eroded away.

This is the tip of the iceberg...we also struggle with parenting, finances, chemical dependency leading to DUIs, and loss of interaction with friends and family.

I am a natural caretaker, which I am sure is one of the reasons he was attracted to me at first, but now it seems that the cards have been dealt in such a way that discomfort for him has been removed as much as possible, and I am now the uncomfortable one, always questioning why I feel the need for touch.
I rarely ask for compromise anymore because of the reactions I get. Even something as small as asking (maybe 3 times a year) to have my shoulders rubbed on a very stressful day garnishes a heavy sigh or an eye roll. When I ask for things, I try to detach emotionally and remove all hope for a positive reaction so that I am not hurt if there is a negative response, but removing hope from a relationship is not healthy either.

With his unwillingness to say or do anything outside of the bed more intimate than periodically putting his hand on my thigh or head in my lap, I have now grown bored with sex (NOT like me at all). I almost never initiate sex any longer.

I love kissing and cuddling but dismissed those desires several years ago. He used to do other things that were clearly love actions that made up for the lack of touch (making dinner and other tasks he would take off my plate), but that is less frequent as well. He seems to think that keeping a job (another difficult cycle we have been through several times), staying sobering, and sharing tasks around the house are all he needs to do to feed the relationship.

It feels like I am pushing someone on a swing who doesn't realize he needs to pump his legs to keep moving until the swing slows to a stop. Realizing that pushing is a type of enabling, I am so tired of pushing and am ready to just jump onto my own swing and pump it myself. I would rather be alone than lonely together. Have any of you made it through situations like this successfully?

Is this the same husband who is constantly cheating on you and lying to you? If so, you need to leave and get a divorce because it sounds like you are married to a s**tbag. Whether he is actually autistic or not is kind of irrelevant at this point.

He was officially diagnosed? If so, how long has he you known this?

When you say chemical dependency and DUIs (plural), do you mean him? Both of you? You also mention parenting which indicates that there are children in the house. If there is active drug or alcohol abuse in the house and there are children, NOTHING else matters. Drug/alcohol abuse is one of the most horribly damaging home environments for children (along with physical, mental, verbal abuses). You or your partner's intimacy issues aren't secondary, they're tertiary to the chem dep.

Make sense?

It sounds to me like what you each want out of the realtionship is incompatible

It is time to stop <barred>trying</barred>.

We spoke this weekend, and he was very receptive and concerned. He thought that things were fine and that he was making a conscious effort but admits that he is bad at it. I told him that it just feels like we are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and we are periodically spinning it to try again. I made no promises but that I will break if the cycle does not. I told him that it is probably too late to make a difference. He made an effort to connect more for the past couple of days, but I am now to the point where it doesn't feel right anymore.

In trying to figure out what is wrong with me in staying so long in this and previous relationships, I think I have some codependent traits. I will continue on my path and try to figure out a plan for separating. Thank you all for your feedback.