Conflicting messages...

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So, I was discussing romance-related things with my therapist yesterday, and she told me that looking for love is like chasing butterflies. In other words, it's better to let love happen on it's own. I know what she means; I met my ex at a baby shower my parents made me go to. My therapist also said that it's probably not the right time for me to be looking for a partner, since I'm busy with school and I'm gonna be looking for a job this summer.

But another thing I've been hearing a lot is that you can't expect a romantic partner to fall into your lap (at least if you're a guy). You have to go out and meet people in order to find someone who will love you.

Which is it?

You probably would catch more butterflies if you actively tried to catch them though. In what world do butterflies flock to people sitting around doing nothing? Don't they make nets?

Also, unlike a butterfly, you're not trying to catch a date and put them in a jar.

Bad analogy.

I believe she used that analogy to reference the fact that butterflies might land on you if you stand still.

You have to make yourself attractive, put yourself on public display, and present a confident attitude. These are the basics. At the risk of being admonished for cross-posting, here is a link to A List of Things Women Have Said They Find Attractive that I posted elsewhere on this website. It is not an all-or-nothing list -- the more of these thing you have going for you, the more likely you will attract someone.

I've noticed there are a ton of mixed messages in dating advice, to the point it's difficult to follow, and people underrepresent the amount of luck and genetics that goes into how often you're able to find a partner.

Luck occurs when preparation meets opportunity. Genetics may need a more detailed explanation...

Tell your stupid therapist to see a therapist.

/Since in the Western world it seems everyone tell everyone to see a therapist, so why not.

What I hear a lot on these forums is that you have to actively search for a girlfriend but try not to give off a desperate vibe. However I met both my exes & current girlfriend on online forums by making lots of posts about being lonely & other desperate things. I tried lots of dating sites & meeting women offline. I tried being confident in those other methods but had no luck at all. I couldn't even get a single date.

Confusing isn't it? Technically it's both.

In terms of numbers it's better to be out and about meeting people. This also tends to be the advice given most to people that aren't out much because you're usually not going to find the love of your life sitting at home.

People can try to hard too find someone though. When that occurs it's definitely better to take a step back and see what comes to you. Sometimes it's important to just live your life, and focus on you, trust - it's those times that what you weren't expecting shows up, a door opens.

There is no guarantee one is going to work better than the other, it's more a matter of choosing what method is best for you at the time. Or simply decide on the philosophy that makes sense for you.

If you are going to be pretty busy coming up, it may be better to not be actively look for a relationship. A relationship does deserve your time and attention but if that will be limited it wouldn't be all that fair to anyone to start things up on an already full plate.

For males, usually there's nothing like "comes to you"



Again, for most males, there's no "someone who shows up without expecting it and enters your life" , usually a male has to actively approach this someone.

That advice is not really relevant to his gender.

Do you realize that many males may never get a single compliment in their entire life? like since the day they are teens till the the day they die the compliment count is zero? (except from their moms and relative or old people ....and if they get a relationship then from their partners).

I think never getting a compliment might be an exaggeration, but men definitely need to be active at finding someone, or at least be passive aggressive and do things that make them more attractive and make women want to approach them.

Clean up, class up, get out there and mingle.

What's so 'conflicting' about that?

Neurodiverse people of both genders need to find their special spiritual match. This is not about attracting somebody, not about mingling and definitely not a big numbers game.

There is no sense in diving your effort on a huge number of people, rather when you find somebody with potential you should put lots of effort into it and expect the same in return.

HERE is the conflict. You can't find someone if you aren't looking for them, You can't attract someone if you aren't mingling with them. You can't increase your chances if you don't "play the game".You can't find someone with potential unless you divide your effort an a large number of people. THEN you can focus your efforts on the one you find. There is nothing "spiritual" about it.

Perhaps I should have been more elaborate since most Aspie's do take things very literally.

"see what comes to you" doesn't necessarily mean a potential mate is going to walk up and ask you out. That is possible but not what that phrase essentially means.

When actively looking you're going out your main priority is to check out the women around, to see if there is some one you'd want to approach and do so it there is.

See what comes to you is more about intention. You still need to go out in the world, whether it's shopping or whatever - to make yourself available. When you are going out though, you aren't 'on the prowl'. You're just living life, enjoying your dinner, enjoying your drink, getting your groceries etc. While you do these things something may happen, you catch the eyes of someone and they smile, someone literally bumps into you, all the tables are full so someone asks to share yours, and various other situations. These things are opportunities, this is what has come to you. Yeah you may still have to be the one to walk over to the girl that smiled, or make the the formal request for a number or date but it's a matter of how you got to there. It's a more passive method, but you generally have to be conscious enough to see when these kinds of things present themselves.

This is what the OP's therapist was advising. To take a more passive approach and see what opportunities may present themselves vs peacocking and asking out every pretty girl you see.

If men are going their entire lives without receiving any kind of compliment I'd have to say that they are clearly spending their time around the wrong sort of people. Why wouldn't a compliment count if it's from their partner? Shouldn't those me the MOST important ones? Man, why give a crap if some rando won't compliment your eyes or your extensive movie knowledge?

The conflict appears as soon as you try to play neurotypical games as a neurodiverse person. As a neurodiverse, you don't need to attract somebody, don't need to mingle or play neurotypical big number games. Those are not part of neurodiverse courtship and so has no meaning for somebody neurodiverse.

To put a lot of effort on many strangers and minimal effort on "dates" is also a neurotypical preference that has a low success rate for neurodiverse people and particularly with other neurodiverse people.