I feel terrible

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Fascinating. I wasn't aware of that. I suppose I'll reconsider that.

Hmm...I'm on exceedingly low sleep.
Probably missed them. If 'tis important,
please restate them.

Meh, wasn't terribly important. I was just wondering if you were question dodging, which you weren't.

Dude, you're not stuck with anyone. It's online, bro. I am talking to several girls online, one on the phone, but I haven't met them in person, nor would I consider myself in a relationship with these girls.

Who cares if she's overwight?

I'm using an NT dating sight called plentyoffish.com.

Some of the girls I'm talking to are a little overwieght, some are skinny, some are average built. I don't really care. I prefer girls with a little meat on their bones. I like girls skinny, chubby, average, whatever, as long as theyre kind, gentle, and down to earth.

Just look at porn and masterbate or something, idk.

Adding to this, telling her to lose weight after being with her for such a long time is a bit of a faux pas. If you got together with her whilst being overweight, it's not fair on her for you to want her to lose it. I mean, if she was thin when you got together, and she'd put on weight during the whole relationship, then yeah, you would have a right to say something about it, because she wouldn't be the woman you fell in love with. But you can't tell her to change when you fell in love with her in this state in the first place. It's just not fair.

Oh.. and I wouldn't show her this forum or thread if you want her to stay happy with you.

Sometimes one doesn't really notice
until later. I mean, my wife and I fell
into bed the first night. We weren't really
looking that carefully.

At a later point, my ex pointed out that
she was carrying a bit of extra weight
(we were all together, at this point), and
indeed she was, so we worked on helping
her lose a bit. Worked out fine. At least in
terms of the weight.

All depends on the person, and how it's
handled.

You're being honest with yourself when realizing that physical attraction matters to you. You can't deny biology. We're wired to chose mates based upon physical attraction. I got into the same situation as you have and I was the one that ended up hurt in the end.

Don't get so hung up on how smart you are. Otherwise you might as well join MENSA and sit around with a bunch of people talking about how smart they are and never do anything worthwhile. A genius could easily have an IQ less than 160 but having an IQ of 160 does not make you a genius by any stretch. It is not just about knowledge either. The ability to form theories in a transcendental non-linear way such as Einstein is not measured in an IQ test nor does it show the inclination to be able be able do it. Although they talk of Einstein Syndrome, that is the exception not the rule in terms of AS. Most likely you just won't have the imagination or forethought to be like that.

You can only tell if someone understands you by getting to know them. You need someone who can get the gist of you and vice versa. Have enough overlap in interests but not too much that either would be encroaching.

Finally, I think this thread is a sort of wake up call for you in terms of growing up. See it gets to me how we are contradictory as beings too, though wanting to be seen not to be shallow is in fact shallow and in denial. Attraction is part of nature. There is a certain amount of cultural influence but it all boils down to nature. We all have preferences in a mate that is not a bad thing.

I thought i was smart when i was 16 too.


edit: i was nevar an arrogant git though.

1.I hate sounding like a broken record, but it doesn't appear that anyone is paying attention, so I'll state this again. I don't think I'm the smartest f*****g person on earth. I know I have a lot to learn. You people need to stop telling me to lose the arrogance, because that's not where my arrogance comes into play. I realize that I have a shedload of life experience and such to obtain, and a lot of s**t I need to learn, and that I haven't accomplished a whole lot. Listen to this f*****g clearly, because no one seems to be paying any f*****g attention. I said that I was smarter than most others around me, which is entirely true. Most others around me are dumb as f**k; it's the rough equivilent to saying that I'm the funniest person in the morgue. I don't know how smart I am, I couldn't tell you. I know quite a bit considering all, but I could certainly use to know more, and then there are the various questions of what intelligence is, and how it could possibly be properly measured, and it only gets more complex from there.

If you did not read the above paragraph, please do not give a reply as to my arrogance or intelligence. I repeat, because no one seems to be listening: If you did not read the above paragraph, please do not give a reply as to my arrogance or intelligence. I will get pissed, and this entire thing will devolve very quickly into a pointless argument. I don't want this. You don't want this, unless you are a troll. I am trying to keep my patience here, but it is wearing thin as I see more and more posts that ignore everything I said past mentioning that I was smarter than others.

2.Jkrane makes a curious point, but one I am chosing to ignore seeing as it doesn't appear to apply to my situation.

3.No, LadyMacbeth, she's not getting shown this topic or this forum. This is where I go to talk about s**t that I don't talk about with her, either because it's about her and I don't want to upset her, or it's an example of how screwed up I am and I don't feel like dragging her down. You do, however, make an interesting case about not telling her about the weight. I'm thinking that I will just tell her that I want to lose weight, and see if she feels like joining in. If not, I won't press the issue any further.

4.Bittergeek reiterates the stance of several people that I can't do a damn thing about any of this, and that the relationship probably won't work. A painful point that I will keep in mind, but ignore while I still can.

5.I refuse to be shallow. This is my stance. It's not going anywhere.

Being owned by the word-filter does not help your case either.

Are we taking an Over/Under on how long it takes before you get banned? You're clearly a troll.

Some thoughts- please don't take them too seriously. I'm not trying to dictate someone else's reality.

First, my perspective. I certainly wouldn't expect everyone else to be the same, but for me it seems to be possible to love any body for the person inside. I'm grateful for this, as it leaves me free of such dilemmas as you currently experience.

However. . . I find useful insights can sometimes be gained by applying more widely what an individual experiences. . . as a test case, like so:

Under the premise that it is possible for you to become physically attracted to any body for reasons other than the body it's self, I see the following.

First; does she have non-physical traits that you find physically attractive? If not, perhaps you aren't actually romantically attracted to her. You can love someone a lot and not be right together as a couple; for those of us who are socially backwards and otherwise screwed up, profound lack of anyone else to connect to can make one close friend look a lot like a life mate when really, that's not the kind of attraction that's there.

Perhaps I should clarify what I mean here. . . I'm in my 20's, with far more experience than was probably wise, and easily the best night I've ever spent with a guy involved laying next to him in bed and discussing existential philosophy with his lips against my neck, with occasional intervals of kissing. This is not because I'm not into sex; we had just met at the time, or perhaps there would have been more than kissing.

His honesty and compassion, his intelligence, and the way that he so obviously longed for a connection that was more than physical- these were all serious, physical turn-ons for me. Added to this was- also a turn on- the fact that he valued my intelligence, rather than considering it some sort of handicap; and he was attracted to it. Talking to this boy made me want to kiss him, and neither of us saw any reason to make them separate.

It didn't work out, but I doubt I'll ever want to be in a relationship that doesn't have a substantial amount of that, ever again.

Is this how you feel about her? Does talking to her about something besides emotions or bodies make you want to be with her? Physically? Because if not, I'd wonder if she isn't really just a very, very entangled friend.

And that's a very, very hard situation to sort out. . . but I'm guessing a situation for a different thread.

It sounds like you just want someone who will always be there- or at least, "until something better comes along." Which makes you sound like a serious jerk.

And this is the most subjective thing I'll say all night, but here it is: there's more to life. Quit using the poor girl if you don't actually respect her enough to be in an equal relationship.

If I were you, I'd seriously examine why you are in this and what you're getting out of it; is this the romance of your life? Could it be? Not just physically, but emotionally, intellectually, and if you're into that sort of thing, spiritually? Or is it just a holding pattern because you never expect to do any better?


If she does have non-physical traits that you find physically attractive, and if you do really want to keep the relationship, I'm guessing the best course of action would be to focus on them. Make time to focus on them every day. Some relationship experts say that there need to be seven positive interactions for every negative one for the participants to be happy about it; make a point of thinking seven positive things about her- romantically positive things about her- for every negative one. These things can be fed and helped to grow. . . and while you're at it, you might try cultivating some other characteristics she would like.


And two cents for the bragging/pissing on bragging contest;

a) Give the guy a break. When you have nothing in particular with which to recommend yourself except that you display all the outward, measurable signs of being the smartest one in the room, you have a lot of good reasons to believe that you are. It's a sucky position on all sorts of levels, not the least of which being that you sound like an arrogant jerk if you ever mention your observations. I have so been there. . . and it wasn't that I thought I was sooo smart. It gets lonely sometimes when everyone you regularly interact with thinks you are- and refuses to engage with you on an intellectual level- and after a point there just doesn't seem to be much reason to deny it. I probably would have thought I was insanely brilliant if I were not so frequently informed about how special I wasn't. . . and by a lot of conventional definitions, I am brilliant. Whatever. Growing out of it isn't all about being taken down a notch.

b) Perhaps we should reconsider what "smart" means; don't care to go into it here, but there are other things than tangible accomplishments that make a person intellectually agile, intellectually useful, and stimulating company.

I know that waiting for something better makes me a jerk. I always assumed that I was one for the longest time, and now I've come to the realization that I wasn't before only because I am now. That's not a knife, this is a knife. I'm just not sure if this is going to work, but I don't want to break it off now because it might, and I can't imagine actually breaking up with her. I'm hoping something better will come along for her, because I obviously don't deserve her, but I just don't know. It's hard to say.

Not in the least.
One shouldn't settle.

Another interesting point. There are entirely too many of these points. This blows.