Dating a man with depression?

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Surprised?  This would not be the first time that someone started such a thread.  Many people have doubts about their relationships, but the more you point out how much trouble they face, the more they defend those relationships.

STRONGLY AGREE.

That was not a rude attack, that was a pertinent question.  People often come to this website seeking help, only to reject the most sensible advice.  But if you feel the need to reject what I've told you, then go right ahead; it's a free country and you won't offend me.  Good luck.

Here we go again …

Please forgive me for being a politically incorrect aspie and for trying to get to the root of the problem instead of merely uttering meaningless platitudes and soft-selling the situation. I'm sorry. I will not bother you again.

Debatable. A potentially pertinent question which could have been expressed with some humanity and sensitivity, at the very least. She's 23 and she's only just joined, for crying out loud! Why not at least start from the position of assuming she could be for real?

She sounded pretty damned real to me.

Oh well. Good wishes to all. I believe we do all mean well, and are all endeavouring to make points we feel are worth making.

I might be prepared to do that, as a politically incorrect Aspie myself, but if you merely use your diagnosis as a licence to be gratuitously hurtful, then you dishonour the good name of politically incorrect Aspies!

You can still be politically incorrect without doing that. Or so I hope...

I agree with this, at least in regards to depression.

First: Someone with depression isn't the same as manic depression. When someone has just depression more often they are down or just normal.

[I]I[\I]have depression and have dated guys with it too. There is no canned answer of "this is what it's like" or "this is what to expect" Because it so depends on the person and the severity.

Someone who tends to just sit in their depressive muck is going to be an absolute drain on you. But if he has some self awareness, knows how to get through it, has some knowledge of what he needs when it kicks up, etc. it is entirely workable.

What you can do to be supportive is to ask what he needs or would like for you to do. Sometimes he might want to be alone, other times some company or maybe something else entirely. It is important to not let someone depressed not be alone for too long, especially for those of us that have loneliness issues.


This would not be reasonable for anyone to require of someone they're seeing. We can't save other people, we can only support, and offer light. Whether he thinks you might save him or not is going to depend on his maturity and dependency level. If he is pretty dependent then he may have a notion in him that you, a girlfriend, will save him from X.

If he has enough maturity he ought to be able to cope with you having some alone time as long as you are clear when you need the time. Oh and as long as its not for like half a week or something. O.o

The bottom line is its going to take some time for you to learn about him and his particulars. Go slow, have good boundaries, be aware, and enjoy what's good.

The lack of empathy and understanding is shocking and reinforces the social stigma society has against people with mental illness.
Say if the guy had cancer or some other illness. Would you just walk away, tell him to man up and get over?

Last edited by Rainbow_Belle on 15 Oct 2019, 12:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

It is common that depressed extroverts need company.
When I pointed out to my therapist that I was doing exactly against the recommendations for depressed people when I shut myself at home and talked to no one, she replied that the recommendations were meant for extroverts.

So, a lot of people need more company when depressed. Some people need less.

Yes which is a tad ironic, would you not say, on a forum where many of the members (such as myself) have in fact suffered from severe mental illness?!

There are some people with A.S.D. who appear reasonably strong and reasonably confident, and good luck to them, but the condition can often go hand-in-hand with (or give rise to) others such as anxiety and depression. So we have to assume someone who posts here could be pretty fragile; I know I still am. I was naïve enough for a while to imagine Wrong Planet would be a safe kind of space. After a couple of bruising experiences, I know now that it can be just as dangerous as the real world outside my front door!

Oh well...

Here's hoping Elephantplushie resolves her dilemma, and remains a member of the forum too.
Yes, when the OP expressed this dichotomy I was tempted to suggest it could be a case of "opposites attract"! But I was not sure this was really a sensible or relevant point to make. Social anxiety is no joke, is it?

People have spent years telling me to "get out more" but I increasingly find there are times when I just need to shut down and be alone and ride out the storm. Maybe one of the few benefits of age is you have (hopefully) learned how to read the weather in your own head, and set your sails accordingly.

There is a difference between falling to an illness after establishing a relationship and starting a relationship with a seriously ill person. Mental illness and cancer alike.

The difference is, if the illness strikes in a relationship that has been healthy, you at least know what healthy is.
When you start a relationship with an already ill person, you don't know what to expect when the person in question recovers. Been there, on the mentally ill side. I really wish I didn't harm him the way I did.
But it was my illness that needed him, not me. As I recovered, I realized it more and more, we couldn't be happy together because what connected us was our unhappiness. He tried to keep it that way not to lose me. I wanted a different life.
I had to end that relationship, hoping he would recover and grow up to establish better, healthier connection with someone else. I wish we had never started.

Last edited by magz on 15 Oct 2019, 1:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Introverts are more likely to be depressed than extroverts. Introverts are often misunderstood by the world and have fewer friends to provide support. It is hard dealing with depression on your own with no support. Extroverts are often friendlier, happier, open minded, talk a lot and are more outgoing than introverts. Introverts are closed off, take life serious, deep thinkers, talk less and get overwhelmed by social situations.

Mental health issues can be a life long battle and therapy and medication do not work for everyone. If you are an extrovert with mental health issues therapy and medication is more likely to work than introverts. Introverts are more likely to have more severe mental health issues than extroverts.

It's a problem with Anglo-Saxon culture that does not accommodate needs of introverts.
You can be introverted and mentally healthy if you aren't forced to act extroverted all the time.

Being constantly undermined, negative interactions with people over time can turn a positive introvert into a reclusive, closed off, depressed, anxious introvert. The problem is a society that embraces being extroverted and punishes introverts. There are cultures that embrace introvert and keeping to oneself instead of being outgoing, loud, obnoxious extroverts.

I see. He is extroverted though. He feels better from socializing.
I am introverted and I can fall into negative thoughts from thinking too much,
so I understand that.

I'm sorry if it came off that way.
I have experience of mental illness from my ex for example,
it wasn't a good experience and I wasn't prepared that's why i'm trying to be now.
I don't think anyone should get involved with anyone with any form of illness if they can't handle it.
It's not fair to anyone involved.