Using Autism as an Excuse?

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Hello everyone, new user here. I joined this forum because I wanted the opinion of other autistic people/aspies for a particular situation I've been struggling with.

I have been in a long-distance relationship with a NT guy for nearly 3.5 years. We see each other a handful of times a year and have been planning a New Years trip where I visit him at his house. I recently asked him if he could ask around his friend group to try and acquire a medicine I need for my insomnia, one which I use daily but cannot travel with (I'd mention what it is but my full name is on here so... nah). The conversation quickly derailed and I was left confused and feeling hurt because apparently I had overstepped a boundary with him that I had not caught on to until it was too late. According to him he felt that I was being "sh***y" and pushy about it, which looking back I can agree, but now he won't talk to me.

It's been nearly a week and I really have been beating myself up about how to explain that I simply just did not catch on to how uncomfortable he was because he was not being explicit enough with me. We primarily communicate over text and although I am fairly good at understanding a person's emotions when I can hear their voice, this was not the case. I feel horrible that I hurt him and I want to patch things up, but I don't know how to explain that I misunderstood his boundaries because of my autistic traits. I've always struggled in explaining this to people because to me it feels like an excuse for bad behavior, or that it could be interpreted in that way, despite me knowing that it is the truth.

How can I get him to be on the same page as me, and to understand that it was a misunderstanding? Furthermore, how can I do this when he hasn't spoken to me for a week, aside from a few unrelated messages here and there? I am the type to want to tackle a problem and find a solution with my partner right away, but he is very different from me in the sense that he tends to be avoidant and prefers to put distance between himself, me, and the problem.

I completely don't understand why asking for some medicine you need was considered pushing boundaries.
When my husband's asthma medicine was running low and we were away from home, a whole bunch of freshly met people brainstormed how to get some in case he needed more.
I completely don't understand why this kind of asking for help was considered offensive.

I appreciate the reply, but I don't believe it is my place to decide what should and should not be a boundary for my partner. Although it may seem silly to me to refuse to find the medicine because I have to do it all the time, he clearly was not comfortable complying with the request. That is not where I believe the issue lies. Unfortunately this medicine is not something you can acquire with a quick trip to the Walgreens, and requires some effort in a domain that he eventually elaborated was not one he wanted to tread upon. Unfortunately that elaboration came a little too late, which is where the problem began.

Maybe but still he is responsible for signalling his boundaries before they get crossed - especially in such an unobvious case.

I agree... mistakes in communication happen though, and I don’t think it’s worth my energy to hold it against him. This is just a difficult situation because I feel like I’ve asked him to be more explicit in the past due to a similar misunderstanding. I can’t recall for sure though. Either way, this has been very hard to deal with. I love him very much and I feel incredibly guilty for making him uncomfortable even if it was just because my autism didn’t allow me to read between the lines he was giving me. I don’t really know what to make of all this...

those are very unusual boundaries to have, and with the unusual boundaries i have personally my immediate reaction is "you didn't know, it's okay" for him to be giving you a silent treatment for a week is a gross over-reaction imo, especially when you guys have been together over 3 years. that to me is a huge red flag of something much more serious going on.

^Maybe it was her tone in the request? You are all attacking the guy but re-read what she wrote... probably it’s not about the medicine.

1. According to OP's profile, there's no "she" involved - though it shouldn't matter at all to the case, I believe;
2. Not attacking and I'm sure it's not about the medicine itself;
3. If one has to walk on eggshells because some subtle signals they don't control offend their significant other, "incompatibility" is the word that comes to my mind first.

Is this "medicine" legal?

Because if you're talking about what I think you may be talking about, you may have come across as using him to acquire drugs that could potentially get HIM into serious trouble. And one NO from him is all that should be needed.

And (if this is indeed the case) you may say something like that to him - that you now realize you were coming across as just using him as a contact and that you're sorry, it was never intended that way.

Then you never bring it up or do that again.

Oh, that would finally make sense!
Asking for something illegal is breaking default boundaries!

The kicker is that he has used the same medicine in the past and has been happy to buy me related items, so considering those two things I wrongly assumed that asking for the medicine itself would be a non-issue. But the thing is he never said "no", he only said that he "wasn't sure how to do it" and so I gave him a few suggestions and that is when it kind of derailed.

It is legal where I live but not where he does, but we have used this medicine together both in legal and nonlegal areas before and he just used it at his house a few weeks ago, which is a big part of the reason why I thought asking would be okay.

It is legal where I live but not where he does, but we have used this medicine together both in legal and nonlegal areas before and he just used it at his house a few weeks ago, which is a big part of the reason why I thought asking would be okay.[/quote]

Could he come visit you at your house? I mean if he is so uncomfortable getting this medicine(I think I know which one it is and if so I use it as well) perhaps he should come visit you where it is legal. That said if you and him have both done it before and he even did in his house recently it does seem a bit strange to me he had such a reaction to you asking about if he could get some for you. I mean if nothing else he couldn't get some for himself and just share with you?

Like the silent treatment for a week seems pretty immature and not a very adult-like way of handling it, especially if you've been dating 3 years but I can be immature about things to so not saying its a reason to ditch him per say but I mean things may not last if he reacts to every conflict or misunderstanding by just removing himself from the equation via silent treatment or just refusing to discuss the problem.

Sorry I don't really have any good advice....but I am a bit confused what the problem was as well. I mean seems if he was getting uncomfortable he didn't explicitly say so, but I do not really understand the discomfort about it in the first place if its something he uses anyways.

Could he come visit you at your house? I mean if he is so uncomfortable getting this medicine(I think I know which one it is and if so I use it as well) perhaps he should come visit you where it is legal. That said if you and him have both done it before and he even did in his house recently it does seem a bit strange to me he had such a reaction to you asking about if he could get some for you. I mean if nothing else he couldn't get some for himself and just share with you?

Like the silent treatment for a week seems pretty immature and not a very adult-like way of handling it, especially if you've been dating 3 years but I can be immature about things to so not saying its a reason to ditch him per say but I mean things may not last if he reacts to every conflict or misunderstanding by just removing himself from the equation via silent treatment or just refusing to discuss the problem.

Sorry I don't really have any good advice....but I am a bit confused what the problem was as well. I mean seems if he was getting uncomfortable he didn't explicitly say so, but I do not really understand the discomfort about it in the first place if its something he uses anyways.[/quote]

Yea that seems like the logical solution but unfortunately I bought my plane ticket to visit him prior to the conversation in question, and visits have been somewhat one-sided lately as he has come to visit me the past three times we've seen each other (like I said it only happens a few times a year) so it is definitely my turn to go and see him. Honestly I still don't understand why it was such a problem either, but we are different people and what may not be a problem to me can be a huge problem to him. I am glad for our differences but this one has really thrown me for a loop because I was not expecting this reaction at all. I believe giving him his space to think is important just because of the kind of person he is (I won't go into too much detail but I know it is something he values even though it may not be my favorite method of problem-solving), thankfully he reached out to me last night. To summarize he said that he's been thinking a lot about what happened but is still struggling to put his thoughts into words. I don't believe in trying to force someone to make a case for themselves prematurely and without adequate preparation, to me it feels like a violation of power (for instance if I have all my thoughts in order and I know what I want to say, that defaults the "power" in the situation to me if he is not on a similar page). I prefer us to be on the same level when we work through problems because to me it seems like the best way to ensure one party does not walk away feeling like they made an ass of themselves. It is not a position I like to be in and not one I want to subject my partner to; I consider it very embarrassing. That being said, I certainly hope he is ready to talk soon. I informed him that I have the next few days off of work and that if he is ready to talk during that time that I would be open to do so, but if he needs more time than that I am not going to try and force him to interact. I just miss him a lot and I wish things would go back to normal soon. He is all I have. I do not love his usual reaction in difficult situations to shut me out, but I have accepted that it is a matter of difference between how both of us solves problems. The waiting game is hard for me, but I do have a bad habit of getting my emotions and my logic tangled and the more distance there is between me and an event I think the less likely it is for that to happen, so I can't say that I don't benefit either.

Sorry this is rant-y, talking "out loud" about it has helped me a lot I think.

Well, that sounds to me like he is just not really wanting to be the middle man of this said "medicine." I agree with you, he could have been more clear, but telling you he "wasn't sure how to do it" was actually a passive no. Does he know you are on the spectrum? (Sorry you may have said, I don't remember if you did.) If he is not aware, you might want to tell him that being blunt is better with regards to communication.

He is aware that I am autistic and I can't recall exactly but I believe I have asked him in the past to be more explicit. I am aware now that it was his way of telling me "no", but it was not clear enough to me at the time and so I totally misunderstood what reaction he was looking for. To me, saying that you "aren't sure how to do it" sounded like "I am willing to do this thing, but I would like some guidance as to how". This is what I want to be able to explain to him, citing my autistic traits, but am unsure how to do so without it coming across as an excuse. I truly just misunderstood what he was trying to say. When I am communicating over text I really need the other person to be as clear as possible, I'm better at subtleties in real life than I am over text.