My aspie partner wants me to have a termination

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I have just found out I’m pregnant. It was a complete accident, I was taking birth control and only took a test to reassure myself that I was just late due to stress as I was having what I thought were period pains.

I was dreading telling my partner as he’s mentioned a few times what he thinks of women trapping men with pregnancies (he has a child that he doesn’t see as the mother of the child won’t attend court due to ‘anxiety’ although she still wants maintenance)

His first reaction was to say that it wasn’t his. We live together and have been together for a year and I would never cheat. He then had a full meltdown said he felt anxious, suicidal and wanted to lock himself in his office and wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed as me. He gave me a choice have a termination or keep the baby and he’d leave and I have to sign to say I’ll have nothing to do with him. He then said he’d be there but know that it wouldn’t be for me.

He left me alone for the day and when he came to bed he asked me if I’d sorted my s**t out and basically got me to promise I’d book a doctors appointment.

I’m 33 and he’s 32 I feel ready for a baby even though it was unplanned on my half it’s wanted but I don’t want to force someone into something they are so apposed to and I don’t want to do it alone. I keep thinking it could be my last chance I’m not exactly a spring chicken. There’s going to be no winners here I wish I could talk him round but I know it’s impossible.

That's a tough spot you're in.

I'd say, just on what he's said, if you really want to carry this through, your best option is to figure on bringing up this child alone.

Because, he already obviously has an opinion on women - now that opinion is going to be applied to you as well. He's not likely to be the least bit supportive. And what sort of father would he be able to be? At the very least, he's likely to be resentful and angry. Not exactly father material to a child.

And... maybe there's a real reason the mother of his child won't see him in public and "anxiety" is just the excuse she uses.

I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry that things have played out this way. I think that the first thing to do is to go to the doctor's to get a confirmation that you are definitely pregnant (pregnancy tests can, in rare cases, result in false positives). If you've done this already, and you are certainly pregnant, then I'd like to say congratulations on the pregnancy.

After that and before anything else, I'd recommend you get advice from the doctor's. I'm not an expert, but I believe it's important for every woman to know all about pregnancy: all the stages, and all of her choices, rights and responsibilities, so that she can make a decision she feels is best and will not regret later. I believe that the law says you are free to decide yourself whether to have your baby aborted if you are less than 24 weeks pregnant unless there are substantial risks to your health. Another option is to give birth and then put the baby up for adoption. But you're best off getting advice from the doctor.

Now, about your boyfriend, I'm really sorry he has reacted this way. It is important for a child to have a stable environment to grow up in and it's the parents'/guardians' responsibility to provide that. And it's also important your relationship is healthy for your own sake. If your partner is threatening to break up with you and is not going to respect your decisions, that is not good. But it's up to you what you do. If you do end up keeping and giving birth to the baby and think you need an extra hand, you might benefit from hiring a babysitter or a caregiver to help you when you need it. Again, the doctor's will be better than me at giving advice on this.

I wish you the best and hope everything works out

Maybe he'll have a change of heart once he realizes he reacted badly at first but I'm sorry he put you in this spot. If his attitude doesn't change he clearly doesn't love you unconditionally and I wouldn't want to even try to have a relationship with him anymore, as hard as it would be being a single mom. Hopefully then you'd be able to find someone else who will be a great stepfather to your kid.

If you both diligently used birth control, then I don't believe any one should be "blamed."

I don't believe a man should tell a woman to get an abortion, or to use guilt-tripping to get her to get an abortion.

Your body; Your choice.  Don't let a man 'own' your uterus and tell you what you can and cannot do with it.

I'm sorry that you have not had the response that you would have liked to receive.
I do however believe that your partner also has the right to decide if and when he becomes a parent. He, as you are, is shocked and surprised. It is better to raise a child alone than force joint parenting upon the father. If raising the child alone is unthinkable to you then I guess you should think about a termination and if it's something you can deal with. Perhaps a few sessions of councelling can help you make a choice?

I must say that as a woman in her 30s who clearly wants kids, I can't understand why you'd get with or stay with a guy who is clearly hellbent against the idea. Did you think he was going to change his mind or were you okay with not having kids?[/color][/quote]

He didn’t say never to kids but like anyone else he’d have liked to discuss and plan it but life hasn’t worked out that way.

I have decided to keep my baby if he comes round, he does and if he doesn’t I’ll go it alone. I can’t abort the baby of someone I love it just feels wrong.

He has no conscience at all, a total trash and it showed with his ex too.

Why the hell did you date someone like that in the first place.

With that meltdown he threw...goodness. Autism or no autism, such behavior is unacceptable. He owes you an apology and some independence.

And if I may be the first: congratulations on the baby you're fixing to have! They're loud, but they are a lovely way to start people.

I agree with your decision to keep the child. I will make one suggestion. Your Aspie partner's negative reaction may be due to two things:
* Many Aspies hate change.
* He may be feeling the stress for the additional responsibility of raising a child.

So my suggestion is make him part of the birth process. When you give birth, having him by your side can be a great help and bonding experience. We had both of our children through natural childbirth. I went through classes with my wife and I was there when my wife gave birth to our two daughters. It was a wonder, an experience not to be missed. I was not just an observer, I was there to shoulder her through the process.

We had our children naturally through the Bradley method. A very empowering method but is probably rare today. After my wife had given birth, the nurses kidded her and said you probably want to walk to your hospital bed from the delivery room. My wife said fine and walked to her bed. They were shocked. The nurses that night whispered to each other as they passed her that whenever they have a child, they will do it just like her.

He won't be carrying a baby. It's not his decision to make.

If he wants to be with you, he will respect whatever you decide and support your decision. That means full support, no "Yeah, whatever."

He sounds awful!

It is the woman's choice. Blackmailing her (have an abortion or I will leave is blackmail, make no mistake about it) is a shocking thing to do.