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Married to a suspected Aspie: he is highly intelligent and makes what he deems "Humorous" jokes at MY expense in public. When I or the friends we are with call him on it, he angers and breaks off the friendships. In his world you are either "for" him or "against" him. He doesn't understand that there are gray areas and you can disagree without dumping a friendship.

We tend to make friendships based on who HE likes and if HE thinks the male countrpart is interesting enough to amuse him.

He has also witnessed me get physically hurt without a shred of empathy and doesn't understand why that would hurt me. His "stuff" means more to him than people do and it's overrunning our home and draining our bank account.

In spite of all this and the fact that I am horrifically lonely in our marriage even though we are together 24/7 (he's retired and I work from home), I love him dearly. That's why I have given up so much of what makes me "ME" to accommodate him. I think he is oblivious to his suspected Asperger's and I wonder if I should tell him? Aspie people, would you want to hear this from your SO? I am dying to tell him of my suspicions. I am relieved to find out that there is a reason for the issues in our relationship and that I am not "crazy" as he tells me I am.

It doesn't sound pure Asperger's.
I mean, he might have Asperger's and some narcissistic tendencies, the way you describe him.
Hard to tell just from a few forum posts, of course, it's only a few sentences from your perspective.

Check out yourself for codependent tendencies, you seem to take the giving only approach, it makes unhealthy patterns of people we love worse.

In what kinds of situations he calls you "crazy"?

I bet you can do better.....

People with Asperger's aren't necessarily like Sheldon Cooper....

You know... I once invented a completely unprofessional test to tell weather the problem is Asperger's or narcissism.

Tell a person some very dubious compliment and observe reactions.
Narcissism: overlooks the dubiousness and enjoys being recognized how wonderful they is.
Asperger's: gets confused, not knowing what you mean and why you tell this.

Completely unprofessional but it can indicate the source of "lack of empathy" issue.

He calls me crazy when I exhibit emotion and empathy, which he REALLY does not understand. He definately is narcissistic. When someone is in need, I am the first to jump in and he recoils. He doesnt' believe in charity unless he is feeling "grandiose". With all these things, I still adore him. I just want him to adore me...just a little. Before we were married, he was very attentive and sweet and romantic. Now? I little pat on the leg while driving is about it. He will kiss my neck while I am working at my desk, but here's a quote from him for perspective: "Valentine's Day is the scariest day of the Year." For his 65th birthday, I arranged a party up in GA (we live in FL) with all his kids and mine at his favorite restaurant. for his 70th? We had a dinner at a really nice restaurant with our friends and kids/grandkids that live down here. For my 65th? Nada. Not even a card. And he thinks that this is okay.

Even Sheldon "gets it" many times and bows to social graces like offering a hot beverage to be comforting.

Aspergers folks almost always “get it” far more often than the caricature known as Sheldon Cooper.

I think it's unfair... unless he didn't care about the parties and wished you did the same.
I don't remember about people's birthdays, my own included. If someone arranged a big party for me, I would feel uncomfortable about it. I don't care about food so people offering me their state-of-the-art cuisine and expecting the same from me would probably feel disappointed. I offended my mother-in-law by not offering her cookies for tea after I asked for her expectations and heard "nothing, just some tea".

So, if Asperger's is the thing, make sure your communication is straightforward and your expectations are clearly expressed.

"In his world you are either "for" him or "against" him. He doesn't understand that there are gray areas and you can disagree without dumping a friendship." This is an Aspie trait.
* pattern of black and white thinking

"he is highly intelligent and makes what he deems "Humorous" jokes at MY expense in public. When I or the friends we are with call him on it, he angers and breaks off the friendships." This is not acceptable and does not sound like an Aspie trait. [Belittling is the intentional act of making another feel worthless, empty, and dismissed. It is one of many forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Belittling another often creates a personal emptiness and void.] It is almost the opposite of an Aspie trait. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.]

Does a narcissist exhibit black and white thinking? Yes

Among the variants of narcissism, however, malignant narcissists are by far the most damaging. Beyond merely wanting to focus primarily on themselves and be held in overly high regard by virtually everyone in their lives, they tend to have a darker side to their self-absorption. This subset contains the general traits of NPD including the regular egocentricity, but also some antisocial traits and even a sadistic streak in addition to a poor sense of self and lack of empathy. In fact, some experts see little difference between malignant narcissists and psychopaths in that both have a sadistic, antisocial streak, and very little empathy. There is often some paranoia involved with malignant narcissism as well.

Malignant narcissists can be highly manipulative and they don't care who they hurt as long as they get their own way. They see the world in black-and-white terms, including seeing others as either friend or foe. They seek to win at all costs and generally leave a great amount of pain, frustration, and even heartache in their wake. They generally don’t care about the pain they cause others—or may even enjoy it and experience it as empowering—and will do what it takes to prevent themselves from loss, inconvenience, or failing to get what they want in any situation.

Source: How to Identify a Malignant Narcissist

"We tend to make friendships based on who HE likes and if HE thinks the male countrpart is interesting enough to amuse him." Male Aspies find it rather difficult to make friends and to keep friends. We tend to be very introverted.

"He has also witnessed me get physically hurt without a shred of empathy and doesn't understand why that would hurt me." Some of the traits of Aspies are:
* difficulty with nonverbal communication (hand gestures, facial expression, body language, eye-to-eye gaze)
* does not understand conventional social rules (have problems with following social conventions such as respecting another person's physical space, speaking loudly in quiet places) * does not understand the use of gestures or sarcasm (may not understand the subtleties of language, such as irony and humor)
* shows a lack of empathy (difficulty understanding others’ feelings, difficulty communicating feelings)
* unaware of others’ thoughts, feelings, desires, intentions or perceptions resulting in inadvertently appearing rude or inconsiderate
Now an Aspie may not show empathy but that doesn't mean that we do not feel or care about other people. We have empathy but just don't know how to express it properly.

"here's a quote from him for perspective: "Valentine's Day is the scariest day of the Year." For his 65th birthday, I arranged a party up in GA (we live in FL) with all his kids and mine at his favorite restaurant. for his 70th? We had a dinner at a really nice restaurant with our friends and kids/grandkids that live down here. For my 65th? Nada. Not even a card. And he thinks that this is okay."
Could be either an Aspie or Narcissist trait but there is a difference. As an Aspie I don't remember dates. As a result, I will often miss an important date such as the date of our anniversary [the most important date]. This would get me in trouble. My kids are grown now and they fix problems. They simply linked up their calendar of important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, valentine day etc.) to my computer and now I receive pop-up reminders a few days before the event and I go to store and buy a card, etc. And life is simple. I do not show a lot of emotion and there are times my wife comments that I don't love her, even though I do. Around 20 years ago, I found out that my wife really likes flowers. On Tuesdays, our local Krogers grocery store discounts their flowers. So I generally buy groceries on Tuesday and always hit the flower department. If I see a good bouquet of roses or an assortment of other flowers, I just buy it and give it my wife and tell her I love her. I have been doing this for a couple decades. It is one of the ways I show her that I love her. When it comes to Valentine's Day, I generally buy her a 2 foot by 3 foot Valentine's Day card and fill it with little hearts with small arrows and tell her that I love her in writing. She would often take these cards into work and show the other girls at work her Valentine's Day card.

I am more inclined to think he is exhibiting Narcissist traits rather than Aspie traits from your description. The two don't mix, in my humble opinion.

OP, I'm glad you were clear to say that you suspect me might have ASD. Toward the end of your initial post on this thread you say you're glad you know there IS something making him this way. Be careful not to make your assumption into a concrete fact. He may have ASD and may not have ASD. Please understand that there are many people who post on WP for the first time and go right for the dating section, say they suspect or are convinced that their partner or spouse (usually a male) is autistic (no professional diagnosis) and go on to detail how terrible they are for a number of reasons which ends up amounting to trashing autistic people or at least incorrectly and unfairly linking autistic people to those traits.

Would your husband be open to marriage counseling?

I think the poster above is correct

He doesn't sound autistic at all.

Manipulative, and narcissism, one hundred percent. I don't know how to successfully handle such people, so I unfortunately can't give any helpful advice.
Maybe just be more narcissistic yourself (make yourself even if it doesnt seem natural) and don't look towards him. I noticed such people usually start 'valuing' a person when they become more aloof, and value and prioritize themselves.
Regardless, you deserve to completely pamper yourself and create your own happiness bubble that excludes him.

This, OP
You can't really control how your husband acts towards you but you fully control how you act towards yourself.
Give yourself all the love and care you deserve

I think this is a very astute observation.

As an Aspie, one of my great weaknesses is my inability to sense sarcasm. As a result when I receive a compliment I have to push the pause button on my brain and consider the following questions:

Was the compliment valid?
Was the compliment said in jest? Am I being ridiculed and humiliated?
Is someone trying to manipulate me? Do they want something from me?
Now I do not want to overreact and accuse someone of bad intentions when they only paid me a good compliment.

At this point I release the pause button.

I neither accept nor reject the compliment. I may give a small smile because that is what someone generally does when they receive a compliment. But inside I am bewildered. To someone on the outside I will look confused because I have put my brain in pause for a few seconds.

I go through similar thought processes myself.....

Oh man, I used to know someone who was very similar to this. She and I attended the same college.

She'd make devastating put-downs about me. Remarks about my clothes, shoes, body, etc. that would make jaws drop.

To her, this was amusing and entertaining. She wouldn't understand why people like my sister and other classmates were shocked and angry.

Yes, please tell him! Though, knowing his ego and pride, he will get massively offended at the blow to his dignity.

Hell, he might even divorce you over that insult.