Thinking it’s time to give up

Post Reply New Topic

Admittedly they generally leave me alone these days but the metaphorical web is very lengthy so they drag everyone into their business and since I live with my mother, I can’t completely escape them.

I see quite a progress in your life, even if for you it's annoyingly slow

It’s largely due to the fact all four of my siblings have children. I just wonder why can’t I have a spouse and a family myself? Out of five children, why was I the odd man out?

I fear that most people on the forum don’t want me to have a girlfriend.

And why do you believe this to be true, Brother Marknis?

I didn't read the previous 32 posts so may be missing context.

I had a life goal and metaphorically got kicked hard in the gut (a bunch). There was one particularly hard night I thought to give up everything. I got through that night. It was a nearly a year and a half later that I hit bottom... and then I was free... I had done my best and failed ---- I could now go in any direction - it was time to "give up" if you will, but in doing so I would have a chance to win elsewhere. So I readjusted and re-focused and life got better.

As you know, I am in a similar spot now career wise - I failed to obtain the position I aspired to, I am unclear what my next goal will be, but I will find one or happen upon something; I will get unstuck and it will be better (I have the benefit of past experience to lean on).

---- reading the most recent post, I remind you that all the above would apply to YOUR choice given YOUR experience, not the opinions or experience of anyone else, including me or mine.

Just speaking for myself here, I wouldn't say I don't want you to have a gf. I'd say that's an important thing to want, to have a mate and start a family.

This may not apply to you specifically, ok, and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. Some things I've seen with people on WP had to do with whether their parents believed they were mentally capable of handling relationships safely. Particularly with young women (using that term loosely, btw, because sometimes these women might be in their mid 30's), the fear is that a narcissist might prey on their disabled status and trap them in a toxic situation they can't rescue their daughter from. This kind of thing is frequently known to happen. So I've given guys on here advice that they should break up with their gfs because having to get through parental barriers would be a waste of a lifetime. They also would have to take on the role of a parent and work overtime to protect these girls since someone else on the internet could just as likely manipulate them. I remember one guy on here who was struggling over leaving his gf since he graduated hs and was headed to college--but her parents were meddling anyway and nothing was going well (he only got to see her at school). That put him in a situation in which he could easily have ended up in prison.

There was another WPer who I rarely if ever see anymore who got married and seemed happy for a while. But then one day he posted that his wife's brother came to get her and that she was filing for divorce. First off, this particular person never struck me as an abuser. None of us are perfect, and even I'll yell at kids from time to time if that's the only way I can get through to them. So it seems unreasonable that someone would seek a divorce just because of a domestic squabble. It can't be that easy to just up and leave...so that tells me that there was a situation there to begin with in which the marriage itself started on shaky ground. It's not necessarily his fault that it went down like that, but the moral of the story is it's imperative that you always know just who and what you're dealing with in a relationship.

With men it might come out differently because in our culture men tend to be the ones pursuing, not the other way around. There are exceptions, like how my wife chased me down and didn't care if I was dating someone else. But that's just how it goes. Parents are going to know that, and if dating isn't going to be good for you, they may go the extra length to make getting out of the house extremely difficult. Like I said, I don't know if this is your experience, Marknis, but I've long suspected that your mother is purposefully keeping you away from the resources you need to be free. I don't know if this describes you, but if you were anyone else I might assume it's because she knows things won't go well for you. Only you know the truth of that.

Based on everything you've told us, what's holding you back the most is yourself. I'm not going to push you to date redneck girls that you despise. All I can say is basically a repeat of what I've said before: a lot of times WHO you date is simply a matter of availability. If you find a redneck girl a little more in the Natalie Maines stripe, not that I imagine that would be a very positive relationship (personal opinion, btw), it might be worth it to you to pursue her. Not because redneck girls, even liberal ones, are all that great (they're not), but because they're THERE. I'm not saying rush out and date them. I'm just saying it could be that redneck appearances might be covering up someone who might be the right girl for you. If you aren't open to that, you might be missing out.

Something else that's keeping you down along those same lines is you put too much responsibility on others for your success or failure. I've been the target of bullies and other people who seem to have a better time with conformity. It SUCKS. But ever since I got on Facebook, I noticed, oddly enough, that people I really thought never wanted much to do with me sent me friend requests. Heck, I'm even getting friend requests from folks who barely knew me at all but knew me from band and had a front row seat to everything I did. It might be wrong, but sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Now...what if I'd asked HER out?" And that's when I realize much of my problem was being socially awkward, being inappropriate, and making unkind assumptions about people I now know really did care about me. The whole time I thought "Well it's HIS fault...or HER fault...or that teacher made me look stupid in class, or those kids are just rich, or she's a cheerleader, or he's the quarterback..." In the end I made peace with the fact that none of it matters one bit.

I'm still socially awkward, yet I chose to become a music teacher. And I remember when kids give me a hard time or say something disrespectful that it's EXACTLY like it was when I was in school. Only now I UNDERSTAND it. I roll with it rather than knee-jerk react to it. I avoid comebacks because that can get you fired, but I can choose to either respond or ignore. I take charge and I do a good job and remind myself in spite of the apparent "abuse" I actually do enjoy my students. I think a small part of what's happened with you is only a matter of perception, and that's something you CAN fix. All the rest that's not? Well, that can't be your problem. Get out of your past and keep moving forward, starting fresh every day committed to the idea that you're better than this.

To your credit, I think you've come a long way since you joined this forum. Keep making positive steps. I don't pretend to fully understand your situation. I really do hope that it isn't so bad that your parents have taken steps to take away your freedom. If it is at all possible, getting away from home will be a tremendous and highly effective first step. Everything else is pretty much me repeating myself. Still sending up well-wishes for you.

I’ve been told by some outright to give up, some telling me I will never get a girlfriend, and some telling me I need to accept that there is a small chance I will never have a partner.

Again you compare yourself to your family. Beep beep, unhealthy thought alarm on!


I would rather say, you're still working on getting ready for this.
Imagine a scenario:
A matchmaker comes with a bride for you and gets you married.
What happens next?
An exercise for imagination

Deal!

You should give up on waiting for love to happen and start acting. God has no plan for you (or anyone else). Your future depends only on you.
Make a plan for yourself. Only you can tell where you want to be next year and only you can figure out how to get there.

The older I get the more I realize there is a reason I ended up with a crazy ex GF, there was a reason I dated someone almost identical to my mother and another almost identical to my father and there is a reason I ultimately ended up with my wife. I am not a religious person but it is clear there is a subconscious "force" that attracted us together. It's not an intellectual thing which is why so many smart people struggle with finding love.

In short, yes it is time to 'give up' as when I did that I ended up meeting Mrs GHF against all odds and against almost impossible odds we now have a healthy, happy son. I was trying so hard to find a girlfriend I ignored what was literally right in front of me the whole time.

There is something in it.
When me and my now-husband met, I was unsuccessfully trying to end an unhealthy relationship and I was sure I would never trust a man again, there was no reason to ever trust a man with romantic interest in me, it always ended in even more suffering...
A year later (mind the timescale) we were a couple, five years later we got married, we have our ups and downs but we're definitely facing them Together.

Good reminder. I have to question: "Is this thought useful for me?" I'm getting better at identifying "no, it's not!" but then where to go?

Did I mention I'm reading Confidence Gap? I recommend it. Let those thoughts just pass on by, don't pick them up -- or if you do, drop 'em as soon as you can.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU8oNu3pdS0

"I need love, love
Oh, ease my mind
And I need to find time
Someone to call mine

My mama said, "you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait"
She said, "love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take"
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes

How many heartaches must I stand
Before I find the love to let me live again
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
When I feel my strength, ooh, it's almost gone

I remember mama said, "you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait"
She said, "love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take"
How long must I wait
How much more must I take
Before loneliness
Will cause my heart, heart to break

No, I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that i, I can't go on
Well these precious words keep me hanging on

I remember mama said, "you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait"
She said, "love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take"
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes

Now wait
Now love, love don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms
Hold me tight
I keep waiting
Ooh, till that day
But it ain't easy (love don't come easy)
No, you know it ain't easy

My mama said you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said "love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take"
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said "love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take"
You can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait"

You live in a country that has a culture where men pursue women, unless you are outgoing extroverted male aggressively, relentlessly chase women and act macho you will remain alone and be ignored.
Europe and Asian countries offer more relaxed lifestyles and are better for introverted males. America puts all the risk on the males pursuing women and Feminist laws have become stricter since the #MeToo era.