Ever had an gut feeling that your gonna be alone forever ?

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Not to sound like an incel but I do feel some form of resentment and jealousy whenever I see couple together . I hate harboring such emotions but I feel overwhelm with envy whenever I see beautiful people around me . I`m not entitled to finding romance but I do wish there was an way I could end feelings of resentment and anger . I feel like best way is to avoid people all together but by doing so , I`m not going to be able to have way to make money since work often involves being around people -- incluing (sic ) ones that I can`t stand being around . I also fear getting old too since aging destroys all your beauty. Whenever I try telling people my problems/issues they just seem to either ignore me or laugh at me ,thus making it worse . What to do

( P.S I don`t like nor really care for incels due to fact that I don`t condone/support any form of violence whats so ever .I don`t blame women or anyone else for my single status but rather hate the feelings of rejection due to being lonely. Killing/harming people isn`t exactly a great way to get dates you know ? Hope I got that straighten out for ya

That's not as much of a problem for single heterosexual men as it is for single heterosexual women, given that many women prefer men who are at least somewhat older than themselves.

(And gay men solve problems of this kind by creating sub-subcultures. I forget what the name of the sub-subculture is for older gay men and the men who are attracted to them.)

How old are you, anyway?

Also, what do you think are the main things making it hard for you to find a partner?

Perhaps you could tell us a bit about your overall situation, so we can brainstorm possible ways to make it easier for you to find a partner?

In what general kind of place (major city vs. small city vs. suburb vs. rural) do you live? Also, in what general region of the USA do you live?

Also, have you attended college? If not, do you have plans to attend college?

What are your hobbies/interests?

Are you currently seeing a psychotherapist and/or a psychiatrist?

Of course you do need to find a way to get rid of the feelings of resentment and anger, which, in themselves, are probably making it harder to find a partner.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 07 Mar 2020, 5:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Good day,

How angry are you, what makes you stressed, from minor to major, list it and identify all.

In our modern world, technology has made finding answer, easier but it also spawns anti-social bahaviours and obsessions. With work world, if people is not your cup of tea, metaphorically speaking, they are tons of practical jobs and non practical jobs like bricklaying, you can just let your boss do the talking or working back of the stores, organising inventory.

When it comes down to dealing with people, it is hard for me as an example to make a call to equire or make appointments and dial the number many times until I bite tongue and force myself to talk to a stranger about my problem.

I imagine at times like I am Terminator or T-1000 and if I am in the shop, just walk around the store and swallow my anxiety. People will always take a mickey (make fun of in American English) whether intentionally to nerve you or break the silence, feeling annoyed at or around people is exactly what a police officer feels day to day and they deal with it, a friendly joke and pretending to be nice as long as possible until serious red flags are flying.

As men, age does not matter in the dating world, some women at 23 date men who are forty and higher, which is a therapy session in it of self, no matter how old you will get, eighteen year olds or thirty year olds will still take interest no matter how grey your hair gets.

It comes down with questions, do you want the emotional or physical relationship, do you want children, do you want marriage, how younger or older you want (by younger I mean five or less than if you past thirty), are you morally conscious? I am 23, now, I feel comfortable with someone just two years young or older to me and feels less anxious to being with someone.

Do not waste time with people who just mock your wisedom rather, seek someone who can understand your philosophy, it might difficult to search a serious friend like that but maybe here or elsewhere like a club.

Hope it helps, mate....

I sometimes worry about that because the kind of girls I'm attracted aren't typically interested in the kind of stuff I'd take them to

If you have not tried this already, perhaps you should make it a priority to find a systematic way to find people who share your interests -- and then, among those people, talk to the girls/women you are most attracted to? (For example, perhaps you could join Meetup groups pertaining to one or more of your interests?) That sounds to me like a more likely way to find compatible partners than by just approaching random girls/women whom you happen to be attracted to.

Yes I am going to be alone forever

So what?

The solar system contains a lot of things worse than being alone forever

The solar system contains a lot of things better than dating

Half of marriages end in divorce

About your job search:. Telecommute, work second shift, . Some jobs invove less social interaction than others

I try to get my hopes up, and sometimes there are glimpses of possibilities, but nothing every comes to fruition. When I was younger and in school and was more naive about people than I am now, I was horribly shy when it came to dating. Then years passed and I still didn’t fit in or have anyone show interest and I became more secluded. Now that I’m older and finally dealing with my anxiety, I’ve been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, trying to interact with people more, trying online dating. And nothing. Been on just over a year and nothing. A convo or two and that’s it. Many other factors that I’m too lazy to type at this hour, but there are a lot of days that I find it best to just nerd out on my hobbies and ignore the rest of the world. At my age with little to no experience, that’s one of many nails in the coffin. I wish you luck.

To be quite honest, "just over a year" is *not* a long time to try and find a partner. In fact I'd say it's a ridiculously short time to have been trying.

It would be reasonable to expect to not get a relationship if you've only been trying for just over a year, but he said he got nothing, which I would assume means no dates, no potential dates that didn't come to fruition, no conversations that might have led somewhere but fizzled out, nothing.

If you've been trying to get a relationship for over a year and you haven't even gotten close to going on a date with someone yet, or you haven't been able to get anyone to even consider you as a potential partner, I would think it would be reasonable to feel disheartened.

It's a tad more complicated than that unfortunately. The kinds of women who attend (and participate in) college and pro sporting events, for example, usually aren't interested in hard rock concerts and pro wrestling events and vice versa

Yeah, the same as having had piano lessons for just over a year and still not being able to play Beethoven's sonatas. And we're only talking about human relationships here which are infinitely less complicated than a sonata. I see what you mean completely. (That paragraph was irony, btw.)

But in in all seriousness:

He said that he got "A Convo or two". So there were results. Just not the ones he was hoping for. Maybe just Bach's Menuet yet, but that doesn't mean there is not much more potential to be reached yet. I would think is absolutely what is to be expected. Wouldn't we all love win the jackpot on the first try? It's just not how life works.

From what I'm reading here, it seems that a lot of people here who complain of being alone think that some magic thing needs to happen and - BOOF! - you're in love and in a relationship. That might happen every once in a while but for most of us it doesn't work that way. For most of us with an ASD, it takes time to meet people at all (much longer than it does for NTs), more time to get to know them, much more to get close to them and still more to get into "girlfriend/boyfriend" territory.

Don't set out trying to meet a potential partner. It's like starting at the highest level. Start on a lower level first. Set out to meet people. Show some interest in them, get to know them. You'll only find partners by finding out what you like and what interests you in a person. Most people feel uncomfortable when they are in a being-sized-up or interview-like situation.

Sometimes it also takes more than one conversation to click. If you're only looking for a potential mate, you'll be sure to dismiss people who could become great friends too soon. And often its from friendships that the best kinds of romantic relationships develop. And also, friends can help you meet people who you might click with sooner than when you're on your own.

You need to give yourselves more time - especially when you know that this kind of socializing is hard for you.

It's like - sorry for the over-use of musical metaphors here - you're sitting down at a piano and expect to just start playing because you've seen and heard other people play. You need to learn and practice first. And for some it will take more time and effort to learn than for others. You just can't expect it to be really easy - especially when you've got a condition that is a *social impairment*, which ASD is.

It's the same for socializing and relationships: You need to give it more time and practice. Especially when you didn't do that when you were a teen or tween. Most NTs get that practice then and it's hard enough to find a partner that they really work with even then. And it's much harder for someone like us to do that.

And it's also harder to get into practising something when you're older. You know much better what you want and who you are and there are less people who are compatible with you because they also are set much more in their ways.
Also, while you're young, you have much more opportunities to meet people who want the same as you. It gets harder the older you get. (And that sounded really discouraging, I'm sorry, I meant it more as: GIVE THE THING MORE TIME!)

So again: It will need time.

Also - especially to libertine91: Don't rely on gut feelings, especially when they are born out of frustration. And think about Mona Pereth's advice: Have you got someone to work with you through your depression and frustration?

@SportsGamer35728:
Why don't you find a guy friend to go to hard rock and pro wrestling events and find a woman who is into that stuff there instead of trying to find her elsewhere and then be suprised when she's not into those things?

Yep.I'm starting to think I'm not good enough for any woman.Women nowadays don't even talk to me anymore,let alone be friends with me or be romantic partner with me.I have been told by women that I'm not a real man due my social awkwardness. I guess I can't blame them.Why would a woman not on the Autism Spectrum would want to date or even be friends with a socially Awkward guy anyway? Socially awkwardness in a man is seen as bad in society. Now the obvious suggestion would be to find a aspie woman to date,however I did ask a couple of aspie females before, and both rejected me as well.And plus aspie men outnumber aspie women 4:1(atleast those who are diagnosed anyway),so would very difficult to find a aspie woman in the first place . At this point,I think I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and no chance of ever having a girlfriend or even a date

I still feel at moments like things are "forever" (or highly likely) but I know better now and try to message it differently for myself (it feels like this, but that is not Truth; what do I want? what's in my control? what's a first small step?).

RE: resentment and jealousy. I can't help you as I have not yet helped myself... When I had difficulties (= multiple traumas) in having children, I avoided pregnant women (for whom it was "easy"). Fast forward over 15 years and I have my own children ---- and I still feel resentment and jealousy of pregnant women (for whom it was "easy"). Perhaps I have grief work to do yet.

RE: gut feeling. During my infertility and pregnancy loss I became very hopeless and depressed but I was determined to resolve the issue one way or another and if "childfree" was the solution then I would embrace it. My BFF accepted she would be "alone forever" (without partner) and decided to build the relationships with her nieces and nephews. Ironically she now has a long-distance relationship and time will tell how "forever" it is.

Nothing is forever.

It seems to me that dating is universally hard for people on the autism spectrum, particularly autistic men. Unfortunately there's no statistics out there but it wouldn't be too surprising if autistic men are more likely to be virgins and to have never had a relationship at later ages compared to the neurotypical population. There's just something about dating that makes it incredibly difficult for a good portion of people on the autism spectrum; which to me is sad because I understand that wanting to experience love and intimacy is something that the majority of people are biologically hard-wired to want and people with autism are no exception.

I have several theories to why people with autism, particularly men with autism struggle with dating.

First off, you have to look at traits that make a man attractive. Being confident, being able to hold a conversation, looking like you take care of yourself both physically and wearing nice and clean clothes, having friends and a social life, etc... These are traits that many autistic men do not possess, BUT can be improved upon.

For one thing, many men with autism neglect their appearance. They dress like crap, they don't workout, they don't see the point in taking care of their physical appearance; and this is what hinders many from actually getting a girlfriend. Yes unattractive and homely guys can have success with women but that is if they're fairly social and charismatic, most people with autism are not good at this, so you need to take care of your appearance if you want to stand any sort of chance.

Secondly, many people with aspergers tend to have social anxiety, are introverted, and are very socially awkward especially around women. Unfortunately these three traits hinders your ability to find romantic partners, especially if you're a man. You need to learn how to put yourself in a position to meet more women even if that includes getting out of your comfort zone and going to clubs and organizations. You also need to learn how to talk to women and learn to connect with them while not appearing incredibly awkward; and this comes with practice.

Good Advice,but do I get even rid of the Social awkwardness when that's one of the main things that gets someone diagnosed as Aspergers? Maybe I could become less socially awkward overtime with women,but that take practice,which I haven't had in a while.I also believe why Aspie men struggle with dating is because there's around a 4:1 men to women ration regarding those with Aspergers Syndrome,so that alone already puts Aspie men at a disadvantage compared to Aspie women and that's not even considering other things.Also,how do I even get to the point of talking with women,when women made it clear they are not even willing to talk to me?I'm not overweight or anything,so that's not a problem.

The way to get rid of social awkwardness is to practice talking to anyone who will talk with you, not just potential dating material. Practice saying hi, even when you don't know what to say. Sometimes people will say more than hi. Listen. Get over the nervousness. Practice some more.