Asperger's syndrome + PTSD = bad combo?

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Howdy folks,

I'm not sure what the current status in my relationship is. It has been on and off (for four months since we met), and it's probably off now. With my girlfriend.

First of all: in general, I don't want to have a relationship at all, more or less. And it's not a huge "issue" in my life whether I'm in a relationship or not. Overall, I prefer the single life. If I had to choose one of the options.

I have to be a "free" person, with my own life. Sort of. And I can't spend more than 2-3 days a week with a girlfriend. Also, I need some breaks: 4-10 days, or so. Every now and then. I need a LOT of time on my own, away from a relationship.

Obviously, it's somewhat difficult to find someone who accept this.

Anyway, my girlfriend has pretty severe PTSD from a really, really bad relationship (~9 years) with a full blown Psychopath. This is a really big problem: I can't say anything negative about her at all. One example is that I said that the coffee she made at my place was not tasting good (to me) since I like it a bit stronger. She feels (due to the PTSD) that this is an attack on her and that I *hate* her and goes into a PTSD-attack-mode.

As you can tell, it's extremely difficult to solve any of the problems we have in the relationship (there's a few), and it feels like dead end. As of now. The only "solution" I have to this problem is that I just walk away (I'm a very calm person, in general) and let it pass. She has no "solution", at all, to this problem. So I guess it's better than nothing, but we won't solve any problems this way.

A problem is that I have Asperger's syndrome and I am very straightforward in the communication and say what I think (to certain limits). This doesn't go very well with the PTSD.

Currently we have no contact (since 5-6 days ago) and I suggested a break, without contact for (at least) three weeks and see where we are at, at that point.

Do you have any ideas on how to get somewhere in this? Thanks for any advice!

Probably not a good combo---unless they love each other enough.

That does sound very difficult for both of you.

Is she getting therapy for her PTSD?
Just thinking that differences and disagreements will arise in any relationship (not just romantic) regardless of neurotypologies: help to at be able cope with them would seem to be what she needs, regardless of where your relationship with her goes.

I’ve never had to deal with someone with PTSD to my knowledge: so that’s the extent of what I can constructively say...

I'm autistic and I have CPTSD.

My boyfriend of three months has PTSD but is otherwise neurotypical.

We are learning each other's triggers. We both like a lot of alone time, generally a week between visits.

I'm not seeing him at all during this virus situation.

So yes, it can definitely work if you really care about each other, understand each other, and communicate.

Why stay in a relationship with someone one is not comfortable with? I mean, when both parties are comfortable meeting each other once a month, great, but if comfort zones of two people have not much in common, why stay?

Thanks! It is difficult, indeed.

I am in a good period of my life where I'm sort of getting myself together for the first time in my life, perhaps.
I did some really serious changes of/in my life last year and it was though, but I may have made it. We'll see. I've had a lot of depression problems, anxiety (even GAD) etc. But it's gone now. And I hope it's not coming back.

She has other issues than the PTSD: panic anxiety, GAD and she's going towards a depression. I will try to help her with her life, whether we're in a relationship or not.



Unfortunately not. I have a LOT of experience with various psychological problems, issues and diagnosises but I have never dealt with someone with a really bad PTSD before. It's new and perhaps I can learn how to deal with it. The combo with AS might be a dead end though.



Yes, indeed! I've been trying my best but this is really difficult. Some kind of break that I spend learning a bit more about PTSD and how to deal with it is the only option I have now. It seems.

Aha. I think my ex girlfriend might have CPSTD. It's not an "offical" diagnosis in DSM-V, is it? She went into some weird psychosis-ish/dissassociative behaviour. But that's in the past... How's the CPTSD for you?

I know a lot of the triggers in her PTSD and I could easily see in her facial expressions when I triggered some "versions" of the PTSD, early on. But there seems to be a lot of triggers, unfortunately.

Yes. It may work! I guess we'll find out.

However, she is a bit impulsive, sometimes. And I don't know what the actual status is now in our relationship. She felt that it was "over" completely now, but I'm just asking for a break. She feels that I hate her, more or less, and break up when I only need a couple of days on my own.

I will wait a few weeks before I contact her again. She has made some ...vague... contact approaches on the internet. Sort of. One of my best friends (that she just started to getting to know) is in contact with her, only through the internet. But I do get some kind of "status" on her.

A week between visits sound really good to me! I think I need some strict rules (regarding the time between visits, how many days a week we can spend together etc.) to make any relationship work.

That's a good point, but I guess you could compromise on this, somehow. Isn't a relationship a lot about compromising? And, the comfort zones for the two of us may a bit too far apart. The best option for both of us is perhaps just to call it quits, but I will contact her in a few weeks and see what she feels. With some distance to this.

We have no conflict or something like that. I guess it's an agreement to not have contact now, more or less. And she feels like I dumped her. But it's not really true.

I can deal with the PTSD when it's triggered, but it took almost 1 hour to talk about one situation when it was triggered (and it was fine after that). However, I/we can't spend one hour talking about it every time it's triggered (since it's a LOT).

Excellent! That’s very good: I had to totally restart my life at one point to even start addressing how to live as myself without undue psychological issues too.
It’s a very liberating, empowering thing to do isn’t it?

Ow! Yeah... poor lass.
I commend your commitment to her welfare.

Unfortunately you’re concerns there aren’t groundless: so long as you’re both aware of the possibility of a dead end outcome relationshipwise... ...eyes open better than shut and so forth

Definitely! I spent my twenties trying to help a severely depressed girl with no idea how, or of my AS... turns out flying blindfolded leads to crashing into big hard mountains...
Although I can’t single them out (it being terrible bad manners to do so) there are members here with PTSD who might be able to help with the “in detail” of it... assuming it’s not triggering for them of course...

https://www.synergiacounselling.com/an- ... der-cptsd/

This is a good article, but it doesn't discuss CPTSD with adult onset. ^
CPTSD isn't only developed in childhood, as the article suggests.

https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impa ... rder-ptsd/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... cHElkVKgWo


Some resources to help you understand the complexity of Complex Trauma Disorder, if indeed it is CPTSD.

I've been in trauma therapy for ten years. It's not an easy road, and it's much different from acute PTSD.

Based on the title I was going to respond that ASD and PTSD are often together... in one person. If you do not have PTSD, coolio (my compliments to your childhood environment). My NT husband has triggers (PTSD?), I (ASD) have triggers (PTSD?). My mom did, my dad does... somehow we are all in committed, long-term relationships, that are better than they are worse. So I say ASD+PTSD partnered with NT+PTSD is doable with fair communication, and lots of it.

Well I probably have both per se & it hasn't been easy for me.

Nope. No PTSD here. My childhood was a disaster, but it's in the past. My mother can trigger some PTSD-ish things sometimes (I have no contact with her anymore and that's really good for my wellbeing).

When me and this girlfriend (who's now an ex, I guess, we'll see) first met up she told me that she'd never had this good communication with anyone. Now the communication is a disaster. I haven't changed much but she's been going towards a depression lately, and she knows it. Perhaps it's (partly) because of me. I don't know. Her life is not going very well, in general, unfortunately. My life is definitely going in the right direction.

How so?

This is getting nowhere now. I guess I shouldn't be in contact with her but I sent her an email asking what to do with all her ...things... that are in my apartment. She said (a few days ago) that I should just throw it in the trash. I asked if she wanted to pick it up etc. She probably needs a lot of this, more or less. I don't know. I wasn't rude or anything like that.

Anyway, she sent me a message where she went into attack-mode. Once again. Not even mentioning her belongings here. This is getting nowhere. I don't want to have any contact with her and I will put her stuff that's scattered here in a closet. Somewhere. She will pick it up later. I guess.

If she wants to have a (PTSD?) conflict she can have the conflict on her own. Without me involved. She got a Borderline-diagnosis when she was young, and I think I see some Borderline in this too. This is no good.

Her confirmed diagnoses that I'm sure of: PTSD (really severe), GAD (severe) and Panic Disorder (severe - she has had a lot of attacks recently).

Other diagnoses that's in the past or ...vague... (not sure): BDD, Borderline and a possibly depression too now.
...she has really bad Fibromyalgia too.

She has just been prescribed some kind of mood-stabilizing medication (she's on a LOT of medication) that I can't remember the name of. And the mood seems to have become even more shifting in the initial period of this medication.

This is a bit too much to handle for me.

Sorry it's not working / didn't work. I was not in a place to make my relationship with my first love work (or he wasn't). I made it work with my second (and he did). Wishing you well for this transition.