Is there hope for me or should I give up? (2nd time I ask)

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The first topic I made under my current name was in this sub-forum. It seems only fitting my final one should really be here and not in Haven. I asked the same thing when I first posted as well.

I really hoped one day I would post about finding love after going through constant trials of trying to break the vicious cycle of hopelessness that developed in me when I was 17 and every time I saw what looked like hope, it would just vanish like a vapor once I got close enough. One member who no longer posts, Alliekit, said she would post a celebratory thread for me if that day I found love ever came but she’s gone now and my life just never changes so that day feels unobtainable.

Undergoing TMS didn’t help my depression, going back to college was a nightmare, trying dating apps again was unproductive since I got constantly ghosted and the only person who actually said she wanted to meet disappeared without a trace, and even though people are still socializing even with COVID going on, I just don’t fit in anywhere.

I have so many ghosts of my failures here. They still laugh at me and won’t leave me alone. I wanted to defeat them but they are still winning.

But is there truly still any hope for me or should I really just give up?

If I'm honest I feel much the same most days but I still think the default resting state of the human condition has a lot of potential. Assuming someone doesn't exist because we don't know them is representative of the wave state between their existence & non-existence. We assume some kind of definite status as a means of sticking to the reality we know but the facts don't necessarily suit our perception.

I don't want to constantly isolate but it's the default response to this kind of anxiety for me. There's a cycle to break although rest assured, doing so is not our responsibility alone.

One thing I have learned in life. Never ever give up.

There’s hope for you.

I can’t see why there isn’t hope for you.

I was quite behind my peers in dating, and I envied their success/happiness. It probably sounds like a cliche, but for me when I stopped seeking partnership and worked on bettering myself for my own well-being, an organic relationship eventually formed. This can be daunting when you feel depressed and like you can't take it anymore. But I hope you can find some peace and eventual happiness.

this little bit has long given me a sort of cold comfort-

To the Loneliest One

There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you."

[Theodore Sturgeon- 1918-1985]

"Perhaps in the end, all that matters is this: that even for those who are lonely enough, long enough, to loneliness, there is an end."

You aren’t saying that I find eventual happiness in being single for the rest of my life? Please tell me that isn’t what you meant.



Why?

she just said that when she was able to work on herself, "an organic relationship eventually formed."

Yes exactly.

Sorry Marknis I have trouble putting it into words. Should I try to explain more?

he'd prolly like it if you described more the mechanics of you connecting with another person, like how you met and what sorts of things you said to each other and what you saw in each other.

Please if you can. My mind just automatically thinks people are telling me to just be ok being alone for the rest of my life if they don’t say girlfriend.

hey I made an account just to tell you that giving up isn't actually an option. I've attempted suicide a few times and also slowly let myself just fade away aka be a super mega depressed loser and I'm telling you the best thing you can do is 1. distract yourself with cool stuff you like (this is how I ended up watching all the Godzilla films) and 2. try a therapist or something (though all I ever expect from them is to listen to me and tell me I'm not crazy/hopeless). nobody loves me either and I'm flippin' old lol just waiting to dieeee but having fun however I can manage (ok.. it's comic books..)

you've got to distract from the sad awful feelings and remember who you are and what makes you cool like what are you into and all that

My attempts to put into words:
I think what I benefitted from was, because I took a step back to work on understanding and improving myself, I gained more confidence and perspective. Before that I was much more needy and desperate and it made it hard to connect with people. Without realizing it I would come on too intensely, which would drive them away. And my desparation made it seem (to them I think) that I would just be clingy and not a mutual partner in the relationship. So once I was able to break away from those tendencies and act more like myself around people evenly, I was better prepared for a mutual relationship.



With Mr. ABG, we started off just talking briefly here in various threads. It was mostly light hearted stuff, and stuff surrounding our shared interests. We also seemed to share the same viewpoints based on how he interacted with others here. So we started off as friends and I was the first to develop a crush but I tried to push it away because I thought he would never like me/was too far away/age gap, etc. We began casually flirting after a while (though I wasn't certain at the time if he was flirting or not), and I confessed to a friend through PM that I had developed feelings. He eventually revealed he had feelings (maybe because I was transparent) and we took it from there. But suffice it to say it was all very unplanned.

^^^damned glad to see a success story here, hope it is lasting until the cows come home [as they say here].

Honestly I think you should give up, and focus on other areas in life.

But what if focusing on those areas leads to a relationship? What would you tell me then?