9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

I somehow managed to get married but now my wife hates me. It does not help I have lost multiple jobs and currently work as a substitute teacher. However there are more problems.

As you have probably noticed, many of the women who judge men in this way are not in a good place financially, mired in student debt with a low-paid job, so there's some serious hypocrisy at play here as well. Always remember that you are more than your job. Your wife is entitled to your love but not to a certain lifestyle, and she should treat you with care and affection - if she hates you, it is time for her to grow up, get real and get some professional help.

One thing I wish for is that people in general were less demanding of each other. We are sold a picture of perfection in the opposite sex and told that we deserve to possess it. This reinforces the awful idea that people are like clothes in a shop, something to try on, buy maybe and throw away later if you feel like it. I find most singles my age have a laundry list of expectations and are intolerant of any deviation from their ideal; women in particular seem much too quick to judge others harshly and reject them. Sure, a relationship won't make you happy tomorrow if you were unhappy yesterday, but we could all be a little more empathetic.

Thankyou for taking the time to write that, I'm 58, my second wife is divorcing me, mostly because of ASD traits & I need all the help I can get. I know the feeling of desparatly wanting someone in my life & oversharing as you put it, but while I am ASD, I am a lot of other things too, aircraft designer, car builder, I have some intelligence & wit, so thinking of myself as ASD makes no more sense than thinking of myself as a car builder.

I will try to keep your words in the back of my head

Once again, thankyou.

Great article. Thank you. Things I wish I'd known years ago.
I have one snag though: the empathy bit. I have too much empathy.

I have (HSP) Highly Sensitive Person and am on the spectrum.
I have empathy coming out of my ears.

I have never for one second doubted that ASD folks have plenty of empathy.

I think many non-ASD folks have trouble seeing/feeling/receiving the empathy from ASD folks. (And maybe many of us have trouble expressing ourselves, sure)

It's more like a communication error.

Communication problems can be worked through, if both parties are willing.

Ive never had someone ask me out. I do hope I can date someone.

I really like this list, and common interests are a good ice breaker.

Well, you can try private home tutoring to make more money? With pandemic, rich people are making study pods for their kids.. women will be in love with broke drug dealers just because of these guy’s personality.. of a woman doesn’t like you, trying harder will never win her over.

The words of this article are VERY relevant to being on the spectrum. I can see myself in many of the situations talked about. A few months ago, I started talking to someone online, and after I started to become a little comfortable with them EVERYTHING came out. Which scared them off. Since then, I have had to "date defensively," and the dreaded "spectrum talk" may or may not be necessary dependent on what kind of situation I find myself in. Something that I would add to this article is the fact that dating must be approached almost objectively, at first, in order to protect your emotions. I have found that in times when I take a very passive "whatever happens, happens" approach, checking my messages maybe once a day or so, not really caring about being ghosted, things tend to work out better. The minute I start attaching to someone, which can happen rather quickly, I have to step back and remind myself that opening up to someone is something that is EARNED, not given freely from the get-go. It is times when I portray a sense of enthusiasm/desperation in what I say to the other person that gives THEM the control. As much as I hate it, this whole dating game is a game, and must be played as such. Keep emotion out of it. Logic wins. Once someone has earned your trust, open up very, very slowly. Having ASD is a constant battle between wanting to be your 100% authentic, true self and finding middle ground in the repressive, judgmental, superficial society we all live in (at least the US is that way.) That's all for now. Stay sassy y'all.

This quote is actually from the article. I relate a lot a bunch to this. I made this mistake repeatedly over the course of my teens and twenties. Only in my late twenties did I start to get the knack of a deeper masking where I withheld myself even in the face of so-called acceptance. But then I realized I was masking so hard that I was failing to rule out people who would be put off by my truer self. So I began adding parts of myself back in that were important to me to show. I have had to learn how to prioritize what parts of myself I show, and which parts I decide to keep close unless someone is really interested. It's like I'm doing a version of parts work with myself in every interaction. Masking can be great practice for parts work, actually. (Parts work is part of what I do professionally and an aspect of my process, Perspective Alchemy.)

For me it has been critical to learn to prioritize displaying aspects of myself. What to show first. What to show second. What to convey third. Which boundaries do I have to lay out first? When should I tell people about my chemical sensitivities? At what point do I allow myself to go on about some of my special interests? I've even learned which of my interests are more safe (psychology) and which are more likely to stir up unrest in the listener (nutrition). I could write a 15-date program where I put down in each of the dates which parts of myself are safe to expose at that point. This process gives me a higher likelihood of either (1) parting ways gradually, peacefully, and mutually, or (2) building enough rapport over time so that they respect me as a whole, appreciate who I really am, and want to keep me around despite my challenging characteristics.

Great read!

I'm coming to the conclusion that ONLY another person on the ASP spectrum is ever going to be compatible with AND understand me.
.
I've become jaded from all those "friends" who only see me as a person to USE to their own benefit and NOT because we really have similar interests. I think it is important to be very wary of others that approach you because of something you know or do well and NOT because you enjoy each other's company.
.
I have NO idea where to go to find others on the ASP spectrum to even be around and interact with, let alone possibly have a long-term relationship with.
.
I like sex with women but have no interest in that kind of thing sans an established between the ears relationship. Others seem to find this amazing; I live it and it's just a fact about who I am and how I live.
.
I think there are a LOT of predators around and treating women with respect seems to often be met with frank suspicion. And for good reason. Predators often have a lot of appeal and it seems impossible to catch the attention of women when the predators seem to have most of them mesmerized.
.
Having specialized psychology like we do means we are often stigmatized heavily because of that fact. women are usually astute about and sensitive to their social presentation and I wonder if that is why women are not often identified as easily as men are when we're all on the ASP curve together. Women are careful about and probably successful at hiding their ASP qualities and can count on most men seeing them primarily as sex partners and not looking much deeper...at least at first...and maybe not ever.
.
I have to figure out how to approach and interact with another person given my frank inability to read "expressions" of various kinds like neurotypicals do. If anyone has an ASP version of how to cope with that specific type of issue I will be glad to read about it.

Practice can help you analyze facial expressions, though this is stressful in the moment (such as dates, job interviews). I decided years ago to just be more direct instead of worrying about mimicking how most people behave socially. Not blunt to the point of rudeness, just direct and honest. If they can't handle that, they're not worth your time. I like clarity and efficiency. Then I don't have to worry about endless guessing games regarding other people's facial expressions or emotions. If people are too afraid to open up about their feelings, it will not make for a good relationship anyway. They are too concerned with presentation.

This just seems like really great advice and I'm glad you wrote it! I have added it to my bookmarks in my browser. I have a real problem with oversharing straight away and honestly I'm gonna find it really difficult to hold back but I think you're absolutely correct that it has an impact and can scare people away. I honestly think I probably did that a couple of times recently with two people I have been interested in romantically. Dammit. Maybe I need to date someone who is also autistic. I have been thinking that for a while now.

Hah! When it came to trying to connect with a woman back in my early days I was a massive fail. I _never_blamed the other person - I knew it was my failing, not hers. BUT, I never understood the reason/s why I was failing. I didn't know until recently (far too late in life) that I was an Aspie.