What’s your definition of a Relationship?

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cyberdad
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22 Dec 2020, 2:12 am

Pepe wrote:

cyberdad wrote:

I think the OP is referring to an intimate relationship as opposed to a platonic one.

The reality is that among binary genders it's impossible for males and females to maintain a friendship if one or both find the other attractive.

Over time either the friendship ends or a relationship is born.

Wrong.

Yeah Kraftie already said that...

MaxE
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22 Dec 2020, 7:49 am

skiddlebugz wrote:

So I have a question for y’all, what’s your personal definition of relationship?
My definition is like we got to date for a little bit (maybe a 6 months or so, maybe less) and then consider becoming a full relationship when we think we know each other well enough to make things official. We have a deeper connection and are considering marriage later down the road.
Reason I’m asking is because this guy i met on bumble (Dating app) said he isn’t ready for a relationship, he just wants to date for a bit and get a good enough job to take care the both of us and saying we will need to spend time with each other, like many years to understand each other.
That kind of sound like marriage to me but seems like that explanation is his personal definition of a relationship. I didn’t argue with him and said i understood but it just made me wonder if we had different definitions of what a relationship is. Maybe someone has a differen8t definition than him and i? He’s 21 (22 in feb) and i just turned 22 on dec 8th but i don’t think that may affect anything.

I gather your interaction with this guy hasn't gone beyond chatting on Bumble. I can guarantee you he does not have a well-thought-out concept of what a relationship should be like, he is just trying to give you an answer he hopes you'll accept. No guy his age knows what they want except they want sex like everybody else on that app, including you, and he wants a girlfriend so he can have sex on a regular basis. This is my problem with Love on the Spectrum. The Job Interview approach to dating is inhumane torture. If you're attracted to him, meet up with him and take things from there. BTW he may never before have had a girlfriend so cut him some slack.

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Rexi
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22 Dec 2020, 9:21 am

It's important to address concerns, wants with someone new [especially a guy] as early as possible, even from the first date.

When you tell a man what you want, he will either bail or keep trying to fulfil it until he gets it right. This is important in the process of him falling in love too.

Last edited by Rexi on 22 Dec 2020, 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Rexi
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22 Dec 2020, 9:26 am

skiddlebugz wrote:

So I have a question for y’all, what’s your personal definition of relationship?
My definition is like we got to date for a little bit (maybe a 6 months or so, maybe less) and then consider becoming a full relationship when we think we know each other well enough to make things official. We have a deeper connection and are considering marriage later down the road.
Reason I’m asking is because this guy i met on bumble (Dating app) said he isn’t ready for a relationship, he just wants to date for a bit and get a good enough job to take care the both of us and saying we will need to spend time with each other, like many years to understand each other.
That kind of sound like marriage to me but seems like that explanation is his personal definition of a relationship. I didn’t argue with him and said i understood but it just made me wonder if we had different definitions of what a relationship is. Maybe someone has a different definition than him and i? He’s 21 (22 in feb) and i just turned 22 on dec 8th but i don’t think that may affect anything.

That is the opposite of marriage. He is testing the waters before committing. Unless you mean that it's like working towards a marriage.

What he explained is not a relationship, it's the work towards it. Only after years will he consider it, if everything works well. That also means probably that both of you will date other people, but you should ask him about this. Because he says he is not ready for a relationship just for going on dates with you.

By the way, im glad you met someone you share dating styles with

MaxE
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22 Dec 2020, 10:44 am

Rexi wrote:

I suspect you are overestimating this guy's level of sophistication. He's 21 years old and has probably never had a real girlfriend. He was just struggling to come up with an answer that wouldn't cause her to immediately ghost him, and did so clumsily as one might expect. Perhaps if I knew more about the situation I'd think differently.

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skiddlebugz
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22 Dec 2020, 1:25 pm

I wouldn’t say he’s a catfish because we met each other a few times already. Reason why I asked this is because he kissed me and doesn’t want a relationship this second so it kind of confused me.

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kraftiekortie
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22 Dec 2020, 2:17 pm

Sounds like he might "want his cake, and to eat it as well."

hurtloam
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22 Dec 2020, 2:18 pm

Oh, he sees the word "relationship" to mean some level of commitment, which I suppose it does. He's attracted to you, but he's not ready for anything serious at this point in his life, so he's signalling something along the lines of "I'm not going to move in with you next year, don't expect any commitment."

nick007
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22 Dec 2020, 3:49 pm

skiddlebugz wrote:

It is common for people to kiss during or at the end.of a date or even the 1st date when one or both is not ready or wanting a relationship with the other. Sometime one of em is hopping the kiss would lead to sex & sometimes the person has no intention of taking things further than sex. Other times thou kissing could be cuz they are really into you & want a relationship. NTs can be better at reading this stuff but even they can misread things sometimes. I think having a discussion about this with him is a good idea.

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cyberdad
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22 Dec 2020, 8:28 pm

hurtloam wrote:

Yep, in my experience this is correct. I realise there may be examples of single males who maintain friendship with a girl whom they are attracted to (where the girl maintains a friendship zone).

cyberdad
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22 Dec 2020, 8:30 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I had these sorts of relationships long before the Internet---in my 20's.

In my experience being ii) single and ii) in the "friend zone" with an attractive girl creates dissonance (at least for the male).

kraftiekortie
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22 Dec 2020, 8:31 pm

I was one of those "examples"--alas!

There was a sense of frustration---definitely.

But we still remained good friends.

cyberdad
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22 Dec 2020, 8:40 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I was one of those "examples"--alas!

There was a sense of frustration---definitely.

But we still remained good friends.

Yep, so the frustration is the dissonance I am referring to. It creates mental conflict which for the male in the "friendzone" is not good for their mental health.

This is why girls should be merciful and just tell their male friends "there is no chance" so they can shift their efforts elsewhere

kraftiekortie
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22 Dec 2020, 8:48 pm

They should say "There is no chance---now."

There have been many situations where a man "didn't have a chance" for a while----but then, all of a sudden, the woman fell for him.

cyberdad
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22 Dec 2020, 10:51 pm

For me it never happened. I had one very attractive female friend who "friendzoned" me for 5 years. During that time she had hookups with men who didn't match up to me in looks, income or other factors. She knew I liked her. After 5 years I broached her why? and she said "I value our friendship too much".

At that point I realise I didn't value the friendship if there was going to be a "no touch rule". We parted the ways.

Rexi
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22 Dec 2020, 11:07 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

They should say "There is no chance---now."

There have been many situations where a man "didn't have a chance" for a while----but then, all of a sudden, the woman fell for him.

Just because she fell for him, doesn't mean she wants to get committed to him, or anyone. Maybe she just wants him to grab her ass and make out cause she likes it and he gives it good, shes getting butterflies. Maybe she has 5 others do it to her c;

She wants her cuppycakes. xD

Last edited by Rexi on 22 Dec 2020, 11:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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