Break up regrets, and a time out

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I wrote a bit and went round in circles.

I am trying to think how people think and how I think to work out how an autistic mind thinks because I do not know if I am autistic... I understand how you think and how he thinks but I can't comprehend how it is different from how other people think (I think is what I am trying to say? ).

Lol, most people just don't think that much. And that much ahead.
They don't think in patterns, like you would learn a universal remote a few patterns so it will be able to talk to your TV after that. Normal people just consume any social interaction as it comes at them, and answer from the top of their mind somehow... they don't consult a stored pattern of answers they heard around them, or used themselves, that fit the situation. They just respond, I guess.

The problem is that if I am on the spectrum, the patterns are self taught and I don't know anything different, and if I am not on the spectrum then I would not know either.

I have traits. I know I have traits! I have learned I have traits since joining this site! Traits I didn't know were traits! I thought they were just what makes me me. I thought I was very unique. A one off that didn't fit in anywhere! When I joined this site, it was odd because I thought "Hey. I am not alone here! There are more like me!" ....

But I don't know if I am on the spectrum... I have thinking about this so much that I no longer know what is or what is not an autistic trait!

The last day of kitchen work was due, and I am glad M. came to help me these days.

Since we were talking now and then, about the relationship... and things were bittersweet, I figure that a bit of talking things out was okay. I still think that now, but I feel like I've been a terror witch - alas he made me feel like it.

Today first thing we drove to the hardware store to get and change some parts. We crossed the same route as yesterday where we talked about moving in together, and a thing popped up in my mind. I really felt I shouldn't bring it up for keeping peace, but hey, I SHOULD bring it up, it bothered me! Hadn't I always kept things for myself during the relationship? So I started on 'you know, this thing about moving in together. It also brings that you can have your friends over, which would be a showstopper for me with the Bob and Mia friendship.'
'Yeah I know you dislike them.'
'Yes. Well, I know that friend Ben doesn't go well with them either, right. You keep them apart, too.'
'They don't, but there's no hatred between those two.'
Here I went grim.
'The hatred is brought to this by Bob. He has hurt me a lot.'
'You want to talk this over right now?'
'If you want to.'
'I don't'.

And so we went into the hardware store, did our shopping, back to the car. I felt there was more to say.

I said, look, I know your point in this. It just hurt me a lot these last months, and now Bob threw it all on me. I think we should have talked this over more often and see how we could've fixed things, sooner.' He sighed 'We've talked this over a hundred times! After the nights you made trouble, after the times you said he was vulgar to you, and I know I said sorry! I told him not to be that way to you, maybe I didn't tell him right! But I said sorry for my part and that is all I can do! How can I do more? And why now still?'
I said, 'if you saw it coming up again and again, you might have felt that this caused me more pain than I let know. It did. I felt and feel hurt. I know you've kept us apart but I think that you could have comforted me more. I was your girlfriend and I felt insecure about it. The last words of Bob let me know that nothing in my favor was ever said about me and that he had no clue what was truly going on with you, or me!'
'Well you cited his last words, they were 'we will always be there for M.; always. always.' I see no harm in that.'
'There were more last words, like that he said I was the bad witch, I should go into therapy, and that I messed with their friendship. Well he messed with our relationship, badly! That's worth more!'
'Those are his words, which you tell me. I can't judge unless I had read them myself. I have apologized for my part. I've done what I should.' ... my reaction was silence (I didn't feel wrong! I felt blocked out!)
(

And so we ended up at my doorstep and we sighed, and we went in to fix the kitchen.

While waiting on something to dry, we had a coffee. Relationship came again to the topic.
At some point he mentioned 'you know, I really had this little camper, as a project for us both, that it would be ours together, and bring us together more.' Wow. That really hit me. 'Well' I said cold 'then you should maybe not have invited friend Ben over for six weeks to live in your home, and forget about me.'

(short story: Ben is a good diy builder, he would stay for 4 weeks, but stayed 6, M. would sleep at my place every Wednesday but never did after the first, he totally went off the radar bc Ben took all his focus, to the point that he became snappy to me and asked me to call if I wanted to speak to him, or stop by and wait until they were finished if I was needy. I bluntly put it this way because from one week to another, he totally was like that. Before Ben arrived, he was all the love you could wish - and after Ben left, he was totally focused on me again. Ben himself is a great guy and nothing bad about him, but M. constantly thought I was hating Ben... for something I don't know.)

There were moments of silence. M. knows he has done wrong in this. After a while I patted him on the leg and said 'up till that point, those two weeks we first had the camper, I really felt that it was our little project. Ours.' and then I cried really hard. Just couldn't help myself. I felt so bad I ran to the bedroom, he didn't follow, so I reached for air and I walked back. He was on the couch, tapping on his telephone.

'Yes what do you want.'
'I just felt bad about this... that this went so wrong.'
'Yes what do I do about it? You've been whining at me all day long now about ALL things I do wrong! What can I do right? Tell me what can I do right?'
I saw him going into defense mode while I needed comfort for that bitter memory, and I became fierce.
I said 'What you could do is give me some comfort, I'm working through a relationship of 2,5 years here (and I immediately felt it was nothing, he had been in one of 13... what was he thinking... but I had been in relationships of 4 years, and hadn't fought like this!)
I felt so stupid.
I said 'It was your relationship TOO! Isn't there anything you need to work out?'
'No like I said I (we men) do that differently.'
'Yes you guzzle beer and push it away.'
'Like that. We don't go over it times and times again. It's you making this all bad. I'm good with it this way.'
'But you know it is wrong! You push and drink your problems away!'
'It might be a wrong thing, but I feel fine with that. I can handle it.'
'In any girlfriend you'll meet, you will run into this problem again, you know it?'
'I've never had any trouble before.'
'You've lived for 13 years with a man! You want girl, you will want to know that it is this way!'
'What is this all about!? Why do you do this?'
'I am working through our relationship! And all you do is slam the door in my face!'
'Oh now I slam the door in your face? I am doing it all wrong, heh?'
I felt bad again... I cannot find this in myself... people, believe me, in former relationships I have not been this mean, this bad! I am a girl who lives amongst men... who knows how to be together! Why does he turn this all on me?
'There's no arguing with you. I cannot argue with you.'
'Then we cannot. Shall we build the kitchen further?'

After a silence, he stood up, I walked to the kitchen. Turned around and there he stood, arms out, and we hugged.
It was a sad hug and I had to cry much, much more.

We went into the kitchen and fixed all the last things, with humor, jokes, and joy.

At some point (my mind was still processing the whole fight...) I said 'let's promise each other not to talk about the relationship again in the next oncoming dates, shall we?' He looked up and said 'can I have that from you in written form, signed, stamped?'
I was so mad!
As he walked to the bathroom I said 'Can you promise me then not to drink five beers every moment you miss me? Can you? Promise? Promise?' I heard a 'yeah heheh' and ... I felt so weak.

Soon after that we finished up, he gave me a few well meant kisses, and he went home. Apped me that he enjoyed the day despite all, and we'll see each other for a date on Friday.

Peh... I had to write this down... to get it out of my head. In order. Thanks if you read it up till here.

Haha welcome... I learned about traits first when I went to a sports association here where autists were welcomed... I learned about the edge cases of non-verbal people... I didn't recognize myself yet. Felt different, always.
Then I read this book on ADD, and puzzle parts fell in place. I joined another association with many mild autists, felt the same... fell in love with an autist in 2015, knew the click... then had myself examined, and indeed. Autism on a high functioning scale. Women are usually better at masking, coping, copying patterns. So I have accepted it.

Sad thing is dat M. will in some way also write this relation breakdown off as 'her autism... her moods...' which was, in fact, as I see it... a reflection of our common traits, his supposed hidden autism, ... his coping mechanisms. He is 41. Will he ever see. Am I the one to tell him? Will he ever accept such a judgement?

It does not matter. It will be his way of coping if he does think it is "Your" autism.

Autism is a funny thing because if one is on the spectrum one asks the question "Then how do other people (Not on the spectrum) actually think?" as one knows one is different but one can't really fathom it out.
Yes, being diagnosed is a great breakthrough as so is finding out about it.

Do you know that I watched a TV programme about autism twice as it came up as a repeat, and this was firstly before I knew anything about autism, and the second time I watched it, it was before I asked to be assessed and I did not have much at all to go on to tell my doctor... But there again I expected a straight up yes or no answer there and then! I knew nothing about the need to be assessed!

A few on this site, especially one I speak to regularly are sure I am on the spectrum, while the odd person thinks I am not. I got bored and I did a poll to see what others think... I wrote lots and lots as I was finding stuff out. One day I was in shock three times to discover three different aspects of what I assumed to be my character were autism traits. Three times, one after the next after the next... Then I was thinking "If those are autism traits, then which bit is the real 'Me' ?" I can't work it out.

When I joined, I knew I had one trait and I was trying to find out what the shutdowns were which I had been spending nearly all my life trying to find out. I did not know they were called shutdowns back then. I was very nurvous to join, but I had to join to ask. I had previously tried asking the National Autistic Society (UK) via email but (I did not know about spam boxes back then with emails) I had no reply... So it is why I joined here to ask as I knew they were similar to the description of meltdowns, but I did not know why or how... (Turns out they have the same triggers... I did not know that the shutdowns had triggers as doctors had told me it was the effects of "Some sort of allergy". I had spent half my life trying to track down these mystery allergy events! I asked and asked and asked foe allergy testing and they never had the budget to have me tested, despite me having to give up jobs and only work part time etc, etc... Aparently this was "My problem" and was not a doctors concern. (I have changed doctors since)).

Yes. So coming on here and finding out a lot has been an awakening... And that TV programme. It was wierd. Somehow I could identify with it. I did not normally watch anything like that. I was taught by one of my Grandmothers "Never have anything to do with, or even mention anything about mental health to a doctor as "They will lock you away"", which back in her day was true. So for me to watch that programme I was looking over my sholder sort of thing making sure I was on my own! And I could not fathom it out.. I mean... I could identify with them, but at the same time I was thinking to myself "I'm not autistic... Then how come I identify with them?"
I really could not work it out!
You see, my concept of autism was all based on the extreme cases.

It all became very much more puzzling when I started dating my second girlfriend. She was a beautifully kind hearted lady. She was diagnosed as having aspergers syndrome after her son was diagnosed with autism. Wierdly I could not fathom it out as she seemed "Normal" to me. She tried to explain but apart from one or two things, everything else she said was "Normal"... (Normal to me. I did not know I had traits, hence why it was all soo puzzling!)

Same same...
In the village I come from, I think the word autism has never been used by any doctor, at least not in my juvenile years. I was called slow, lazy, stubborn, a dreamer, reluctant, indecisive. I was immensely creative, I made a thing a day, from paper and adhesive tape. I played on my own and found out about computers before I was ten (as a girl). I diverted from my girl friends except for my love for horses. My bedroom was a museum, with every figure and toy in the right place, all plushies covered under a fitting blanket. I couldn't go to sleep before kissing every one of them goodnight. Losing items was a pain, I kept mourning for weeks. My sister was as normal as a hen in a pen so I was just the weird little sister. In hindsight I don't say it is strange I ended up in my first depression at 18...

But then, oh well, internet and geek boys picked me up and showed me a life in which I was not boring, but interesting. Not exactly the rich men my mom talked about, but rich of mind and ideas. The more digital adventures, the better.

Years and years went by, depression, missing out, feeling different, blame it on the anticonceptives, blame it on the study, the boyfriend, the manager... and then, at last, the autists that surrounded me, and the diagnosis.

My last boyfriend M. hasn't been dealing well with it. He has a best friend who is a great guy and I can hang out with, he has another friend who is okay and very loving and helpful. But he has those friends Bob and Mia who must be the worst self-centered neurotypical people there can be in the world. How he gets along with them, I don't know. He can't vent his creative ideas with them. He can't be himself, he is a tough boy, the gay friend, the cool guy. Why do people stay friends with people who make you feel that way? Who always keep you on edge?

Is it the way those people are the total opposite of you?

I just wanted that M. would have opened up, then I could have trusted him. Another friend today heard this breakup story and she said, girl, he is hiding something. Something personal, something embarassing, we concluded. A childhood pain, a feeling of being different, not fitting in. If I look at his childhood and teenage pictures I can very well see that he at some point must have been an outcast, and not in favor by any girls - which he wanted so dearly.


But, since a few days, i also understand that he has been pretty much at ease with a boy who wasn't so intelligent. Who didn't challenge him mentally, who didn't question or see into his mind and pains. Should you, as a partner? Or should you leave that all covered? How long should I have been going on, sacrificing myself as 'the one being in therapy' giving him therapy by slowly digging into the things he covered so well?

I read today that you can't change people by telling them. You change people by showing an example.
So... that's what I am going to do. Since I'm still in his vicinity, I'll be the person he wants to be. I will go running, I will do yoga twice a week, I won't drink too much beer, and I will keep track of interesting facts, and finish my damn projects! He already looked up to me in those things, I will show him more.

Why? Not for him in the last place. For myself, because I have always said that I was with him because he challenged me to do more. And so I will.

Yesterday, we had this typical thing again that made me realise why I quit.

I have said there was a thing in my family. It is that my father passed away after months of illness.
I have not been in much contact due to they denying my autism last decennia, even after my diagnosis.
But I've been there in April, and it was good, I saw him for the last time as a happy man.

Struggles with my mother had kept me from coming to his deathbed this last week. But on Saturday morning I would borrow a car and come.


On Friday evening, M. and I watched a concert in my living room together. It had been postponed since March, and since I had asked him to see it together, we still did. Also, I must admit, it was a reason to keep seeing him.

So we enjoyed it, he drank two beers that I had bought, and ... since he drank them quite fast, I even said 'if you want to get beers from your car, just get them'. That's stupid, because in the supermarket I had decided that he should drink two in my home; yet I reconsidered and allowed him to drink more... you see I get weak when he is there, I just want to please him so much. It's awful.

He wouldn't sleep in my bed; he had his van parked outside, so around midnight, all done talking and holding hands (no cuddling, he refrained a bit from that) he went out and let me know he happily slept in his van. A bit uneasy to realize that the man you still love is downstairs in your parking lot, while you both are lonely in bed, and would like to cuddle ... my mind couldn't puzzle that together.

So now morning came. I was up very early, and decided on a morning run. I ran through the park, returned to my home crossing the parking lot. To my great surprise, the van's lights lit up, and it was moving!

M. rolled down his window and I laid my arm on the windowsill. He touched it. I asked him where he was going so early. I mean, he would usually sleep until 10:30, have coffee outside... ? 'No' he said 'I just got a text that I will receive a parcel today between 8:30 and 12, and I want to be home to get it!' He was dead serious.
'Okay...' I said. He wanted to caress my arm but I pulled it away, determined to keep distance, as he had done last night.
'Hey, have a fine day!' he smiled, and started turning the van again.

Fine day? Fine day? He knew I would have a tough and sad day, I had to help my family with the funeral!
I wanted to walk back to my front door, but at every step I hesitated.
He just turned the van around, looked in the mirror a few times. Saw me standing. Waved at me.
So I yelled 'HAVE A FINE DAY, TOO! DO HAVE A FINE DAY!'
And then I stomped inside and felt very stupid.

I apped him that his wish for a fine day had been very subtle at least, that in the light of this day, he could have said something more fitting.

His response: 'I didn't expect you there. I wish you much strength.'


So... he could have said sorry??
But no?
He just said 'he didn't expect me there'.
So, if I had announced my running, I had announced that I would stand in front of the camper at 9:00, he would have said something different, more touching?
So it was all my fault that he hadn't said the right thing?


People tell me he's an autist as well, and I start to believe them!

There's some system in him that knows what empathy is. I know because he did show it during the relationship, in times where his mind was free - like during our holidays and trips together. Then there was space to reach out to me.

And, late last night, he apped me, with a kiss, that he hoped I had been strong that day, and wished me goodnight.

He knows empathy at certain moments, be it lack of own fuzz, be it planned by routine or by me.

But don't catch him off guard! He'll say the bluntest thing he can, and not even realize it, or apologize! ...

I am sure women live with men who are like this on daily basis. And they still show love, just in such a blunt way that you always have to say 'he didn't mean it harsh, I can live with the lack of empathy I just kindly hinted for, he means well.' But wow, you have to be very independent and strong...

Well if it doesn't work it doesn't work, even if you guys have feelings for each other if you fight too much like that is just not a sign of good compatibility. Conflicts will happen in any relationship but if its more conflict than getting along it probably is not meant to be.


That said though what do you mean by 'forced' silence, like he has just stopped talking to you, you have just stopped talking to him I guess like who forced this silence exactly? Of course if you feel you are totally done with the relationship stick to that. But if not it may be worth talking to him one on one to try and figure things out to stay together, but if he has already burnt that bridge than well chances are as much as you might want to try to continue being just friends the communication will fizzle out.

Idk I just know the last guy I, or well he broke up with me because he started getting to thinking about some other girl from his past that from what he told me sounded like she was just leading him on or something but he was convinced maybe he could finally get with her, he admitted it to me so I was glad for the honesty about why he was breaking up with me, but it was still depressing as it was certainly about him putting me aside for some other girl who had for sure burnt him in the past where I would have done my best not to. But I figured if that was what he really wanted to pursue I didn't want to compete with that so I agreed we should probably break up if that was the case. But yeah I tried to like 'stay friends' but even so our texting talks post break up got less and less till they were just no more. So I mean could be if you end things for sure with this guy, that could lead to a point you'll never see or hear from him ever again...and maybe that is best but if you have second thoughts maybe it would be worth talking to him in person one more time and see if it could be reconciled at all, and if not move on from him.


But maybe you feel you are already past that guy, and that is ok...I guess I just feel if I was in your shoes maybe I would try and get one last talking to them to make sure you don't want to try and work it out. But not sure all the details of the wrongs in your relationship so also I can equally see if he burnt to many bridges with you and so you are past wanting to work it out with him...and in that case it is for sure best to try and move on.

An important point, especially for people with ADHD as well as autism.

To RVFlowers: I would further suggest that maybe you should have a policy that any and all communication about your relationship/friendship/whatever should be done in writing, rather than in spoken conversation. That way, you both can think about it more carefully and thoroughly.

I find it hard to decide whether we really fought. In the first 2 years, give or take, we never really fought. We were always on each other's side, against the world. There were times I found that he made stupid, wild decisions, and there were times that he found that I was too scared to try something new. We still tried to find each other in that balance.

In the summer of 2020 all changed. He focused on the camper build like crazy, focused on his best friend, lost contact with me, then became... yeah, less interested in some way. And I tried to bring that up with him. That's where the 'fights' started. I wanted to know why he was doing that - I assumed he was actively moving away from me, and he didn't see or understand it. He was just busy like always... he said. The more he said that, the more anxious I grew, distrustful... I assumed there was another woman he was seeing, and started questioning him on that. Yes, I have been wrong in that. Another source of fights. It wasn't about being wrong or right, or liking and disliking, it was about me wanting to understand his different behaviour, and he, totally blank on what I meant, eventually shutting the door in my face. We both felt helpless in understanding each other, we walked on tip toes and snapped at each behaviour that adhered to the 'pattern of unloving behaviour' we both created.

And that's why I find it different to say we really had fights. We didn't disagree, we hovered around and bumped in at mutual misunderstandings. Which I think, could have been avoided if we had in some way just said what we felt. Which we both cannot!


In hindsight I know: if he focuses on something, or someone, he totally forgets that other people or tasks have to be done, too. He forgets to call his best friend(s), his parents, and then, even me. He forgets to water the plants, to his household (luckily, he has a very dilligent cleaning lady who now weekly does 90% of it), he just knows how to shower and sleep. If I look at it that way, I can explain his lack of attention to me. Not lack of interest, exactly. He was always curious what I had on my hands, because he finds me a source of things he doesn't know, or do. But he totally doesn't apprehend that you have to keep in contact with people, or plants, or tasks once in a while. And he brushes it off like it's never his fault. I think he just doesn't understand it...


The forced silences were a practice that I have heard of, and experienced, to be fruitful for letting it all cool down.
If you are both in pain and grief, constantly keeping in touch just keeps the wound open. You can't clear your mind about the other person because there's constantly the possibility of new influences, hard words, lovely memories, that colour your process of letting it all sink in. And that's where the forced silence works, if you both do it.
Since he is someone who has taught himself strict ways of blocking and diverting focus (do a hundred tasks, drink beer, binge watch TV), he has had less problems with enforcing that silence, than I do. Time on his side just went by faster. I had more peak moments in between, especially in my sleep, when I would burst of adrenaline and wanted to share thoughts with him - and often did. So that breaks the silence, and you have to start all over again. It's about trust and respecting that silence from one another.



Awww that hurts! I think of that Alanis Morissette song now... You Oughta Know.

My sister yesterday said to me 'you know, you might be thinking of M. a lot, and worrying he will be with another girl just like this. But to me, he isn't pretty at all! I don't know what you see in him!'
I am not sure if M. will easily find a girl like me again. His ex was totally not like me. His ex dared a lot, thought far less, just rolled with everything, so I know. M. tried to keep contact by going to movies together, he told me yesterday, but his ex wasn't into that and moved on. So I think M. will very likely try to keep close contact with me to do it right this time, because he values me much. And he won't easily find a girl with my specs again (I'm sorry, I'm kind of a tech weirdo girl with, as they say, decent looks, but as well an autism backpack... a pretty rare find). But he may for sure find an easier girl, who is more like his ex, and settle with her. I already said him 'she'll be on your couch, and in your bed, at every moment you'll think: oooh I want RVFlowers to come with me to this show... or see that movie at home tonight with me..' Boy, you will not send your girlfriend home to ask me to come over and go somewhere! Your girlfriend will want to come along or just go in my place. And that's where I get replaced!
She'll adapt to your interests and will become the favourite buddy that tags along with you. And I'll be miserable when you post on Facebook happy photos that you've been with her to places that you said to go to with me!

Yes I will be replaced, once a decent girl pops up! I won't be his favourite best girl friend forever! That simply doesn't work. ...he didn't quite understand it yet, then, and he said he is positive in it working out. Eh, relief...?



I'm really not past him, no, ... I cry about little things with him every day still. Even though my family issues are there, too now. The sun is out, he's out with the camper today... and I'm not there. Tears.
I wanted to visit Sweden, with him, and visit a friend there... won't happen. Tears.
We would go to a specific musical, but by the time they play it again, he'll have someone else... Tears.

Right now I've braced myself by being very strict to him. No kisses in apps anymore, no kisses on the mouth if I see him, no happy sharings of things I've done. I'm stone cold and that hurts. But he apps me nothing as well (because I'm not in his focus right now). So it's balanced and I hope in a few days he feels the emptiness. But to have him feel that, I must keep contact really cold.

In the last weeks we had talks between the lines, I think like you mentioned. We brought up things we had wanted with each other, and gave our view on it - and saw we have different wishes in life. We found out that although we tried to, we could not make our wishes match. Okay, corona hasn't helped in really trying to experience those things.

Like he wanted me to visit the USA, NY for a week - in january 2020 we would have made plans for summer - but we didn't go. So we'll never know if I would in fact have liked that. We talked about skiing, not my forte and really apres ski is something I truly despise - but he said he could tailor that into something we both like, and have a great week himself. But again: we never got around to trying that. In a way, our relationship trials just didn't outlast covid.

Maybe in the oncoming summer, before he or I find someone else (for me, it won't be soon for sure, it's hard to find a specific man like that) we can maybe experience some nice things still, like going to a musical, a sauna, or a short camper trip... still.

But first we have to get untangled more. With pain in my heart I'm trying to do that these days.
Yes, I dearly miss him.
No, I don't miss his 'lack of focus' moments...
...his lack of time, friend, respect, and money management...


But he is a good guy.

I sense it’s all in the challenge, really.

If he were head over heels in love with you all the time, would you get bored with him?

I’ve had women get bored with me because I was so devoted to them.

I know I know kraftiekortie...

I'm trying to be a little more laid back these days. But it's hard, to give short answers.
It is late every night, but he sends me a warm 'sleep well' every night still. He still calls me sweetheart.
He's not fond of letting go either, but a bit better than me at least.

I know, and I've said him bluntly last Friday, what you say now. A girl who wants you all the time is not attractive at all, and that I know that I should keep low if I want us to become good friends.

Yet it all feels like I should do all the work, I should dim, I should not let my feelings show... and he can pop in and say blunt things any time he likes.


NB He has mentioned a few times now, that 'sooner or later... when you've found that long-haired drummer of yours... I'll be out of the picture' and during the Nightwish concert, he mentioned the new bass player as 'isn't that just your type? Look, it's your long haired metal guy... he just doesn't play drums but..'
And that's where I cut him off and said 'It's not about the looks hey! It's the inside that counts! And I squeezed his hand and said 'and that was good.' Yeah that was a weak moment again. But I realize... I think.. that all the time we had each other, he had a feeling that I rather had the long haired metal dude, than him...
rdos surely knows which long haired metal dude we mean... but I am over him, was over him when I started out with M. ...

Today, I had a funeral to go to. M. went with me, and as it is with him: once you've got him, you've got him all day, full focus.

The funeral was in my hometown, and it was hot weather, so afterwards I walked him through the town streets of the city I grew up in. He just liked it, just walked with me, wanted to see everything. We visited our local (very old) warehouse, both eyed the same rare things they sold at the same time. Walked around the church, drank something at a terrace at a famous café. Despite we just had that funeral, we just really had a good, splendid time.

We drove home past another shop, M. especially asked me if I could bear with it to visit the shop because the funeral had just been... and I was just, happy to be with him doing things we both love. Just sharing ideas for wonderful projects with each other. It was a strange way for grieving a beloved, but it was good - it was the way I do it. And he supported me in all, he held my hand all day, just gave me a good warm feeling, the feeling that I was not alone. And that was the best I could experience today - not being alone, and lonely, at a funeral.

We stopped somewhere along the way, and had a bite to eat in the evening sun, outside on a terrace. He paid for the drinks earlier, so I paid for the dinner - I mean, I didn't have to pay a full tank of fuel for the car - he had arranged it all, came to pick me up, deliver me home.

We joked about being friends now, and I could be harsh on his money spending, he could be on my way of frugal, fear-inspired living. Yes, he's a free roamer who tries everything, I am a careful person, pennywise or how they say it.

I heard that my family in New York might be moving soon, so we discussed going there. As last one of the family, perhaps, I just never went to visit them, and now they might move away from a good spot. So I brought up the topic, and he said a week in New York would be good... if only we were allowed to go. I said I liked to, but going alone wasn't easy now, since a few years before (corona) we had already made plans to go together. He subtly said that he would certainly accompany me to spend a week together there. We'd still be friends, but I'm happy he just said that.

We both joke about not having anyone new in our home waiting for us. We seriously mentioned both that we're feeling lonely at some times, now we stopped seeing each other regularly.

We have no new date, but I hope we'll see each other soon.

We saw each other on Friday, and on Saturday. Exchanged kisses. He sends me a kiss goodnight or a hug, every other night, and I return it. We made plans for the holiday, which I'll have soon, but he forgot to ask free for. So we're going for a weekend, with his camper. I asked him for one day but he insisted on as long as possible.

So this is probably what it is to be friends now. Friends with benefits, for now.

I wonder what his future girlfriend would be like.

When he's with me, he sometimes whispers that "he took a brick to the head" or "has a big blind spot" and then I correct him, it's not that, he just has a hard time seeing things through other people's eyes. What I mean is, I'm happy he does some sort of introspection these days.

But he often also answers 'I can live with this/that, it's no problem.' I think he internalized that for a lot of things I said, or just run in his mind like I said them...

I think his future girlfriend will be a diligent, but brave girl, who likes to be a housewife for him. Who lives with his mess and problems, and has the money to tag along on his adventures where money is never an issue. I wonder if that combination exists, though... she might not like his quirks, how he likes to speak French, swing his butt, play with tools like he's a three year old, watch Tesla and space launches with him from under a blanket , or belly up in a meadow... but she will smile and call him a nice guy.

I wonder what in life he's hoping to find, because as much as he wasn't it for me, I wasn't it for him.

Yet I cannot wait to spend those four days camping with him. It'll be the last four of my holiday, yet ... I cannot wait.