My gf only wants to have spontaneous unplanned sex.

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My gf and I are on different work schedules, so it's hard to plan when to get together with her and when we do, we don't have as much time. Because of this, I feel it's best to plan when we have sex so we can get the most out of it without feeling rushed.

But she is very spontaneous about when she wants to have it, and doesn't like to plan in it advance. And she can easily be taken out of the mood though sometimes. For example, I was going through some personal stuff and wanted to have an important conversation with her about it. But after that conversation she wasn't in the mood, because of me wanting to have an important conversation. So I feel if I want her to be in the mood for the next time we meet, I cannot have important conversations with her or it will likely break her mood.

Also, sometimes I feel she gets in the mood for sex from negative sources. One time when we met up, she got really sexually aggressive and pushed me onto the bed and was quite rough with sex. Which I liked. But the reason why she was like this was because she was going through stress because her psyho ex has been stalking her and she had to get a restraining order.

And recently, she did the same thing again with wild rough sex, which I liked, but it was because of her boss causing her stress at work. So I feel like she only wants sex spotaneously, and other sources are causing her to want it more than me I feel. Negative sources in her life.

But is there something I can do to keep her in the mood more consistently, rather than her getting in the mood surprise circumstances that I cannot see coming, or that I cannot have any deep conversations with her because her mood will likely change as a result, if that makes sense?

I think women can be taken "out of the mood" very quickly. You could postpone heavy conversations. Rather than have a sex schedule - which I personally would not like either - figure out for yourselves when your schedules allow for enough time together and then try to get her into the mood. Maybe do something nice for her, or bring her a small gift, or sit closely and cuddle first.

As long as you enjoy the sex that ensues maybe just ignore what you think of as the "source"?

And remember lots of hugs and not just when you want sex.

If someone wanted me to plan sex, I'd be gone. It's not an obligation that I'll squeeze into my schedule weather permitting.

I think a lot of people would agree people's libido fluctuates day to day or even moment to moment. That could be for men or for women. Hormones matter but also other variables which aren't necessarily related to your relationship or to the person's overall mood.

I understand trying to make time for intimacy so that it's not entirely impossible to happen, but beyond having lots of time together I wouldn't want to earmark how that time is spent.

In my case, lots of hugs and touch would likely have the opposite effect. I'm not a touchy-feely person. I get sensory-aversive if people are too close to me, and it's a total turn off. That's my autism though, and I don't think your gf is autistic.

All I'd suggest is that you make time to be together, and whatever happens in that time happens.

Oh okay, I don't want to maker her feel like it's out of obligation of course, it's just that I feel it doesn't happen often with this sponteanous way though, and not sure how else to get it to happen more unless we plan it ahead of time. Maybe there is another way. But it would also help to understand her way of thinking too. For example, if I feel like having sex before I see her, I am very sure I will still want to when I see her. But she seems unsure about sex, until the minute before it happens. Before then she doesn't know, where as I am in the mood hours or days before, and it won't likely change.

What is about her that she is unsure about until a minute before it happens, give or take?

Well some people find that sex or certain sexual activities can reduce stress for them. Some people feel stress makes them less likely to want to have sex

It is a whole confusing thing because well I went from one to the other, for a long time I felt like having stress made me not want to have sex, but I switched over, because I quit denying the things I like and so idk now I feel sex can reduce stress...but the way I was before sex was the last thing I wanted if I was stressed. Not saying all people who aren't into sex are denying anything, but in my case I was.

Oh okay thanks. That's interesting. One thing I noticed now actually, is that early on in the relationship, she was much more about sex, but then less so after the beginning stages.

But what I noticed just now is, back then she had insomnia problems, and she was drinking a lot of coffee. She said she was doing it out of job stress and she was drinking it left and right literally. I told her that's probably what's causing the insomnia and she should go off it maybe or give it a try. So she quit drinking it cold turkey, and doesn't have any anymore. Now she has beel sleeping like a baby since.

But I just realized now that the time she quit drinking coffee cold turkey, is the same time, she seemed to not want to have sex as much, and has become less desisive about it. It's like not having coffee has greatly reduced her aphrodisia. But I don't think she should go back on it of course, if it's going to bring back her insomnia. Could this be the reason why her aphrodisia is reduced likely, that she quit coffee?

There is no controlling a woman's mood.

That's true, but can I understand the mood still, so I know why it's capricious, because then if I understand it, I can work with it, in a good way?

Can you understand it? Not likely, sorry to say. You can know someone inside out, or at least, think you do … but being a bit of an enigma is what makes a woman, who she is.

Your wanting to plan in advance … even when the roles are reversed, the best laid plans can go awry. Even in the most amazing setting, with lots of care & thought. The best times do, imho, tend to be spontaneous.

Her stress levels will heavily impact intimacy. If you truly love & trust each other, you’ll attempt to be for each other, what you each need. If one of you isn’t getting what you need, communication is sooo important.

But, be aware, that as you’ve noticed, the most tuned in times, the best of times, will come when things are allowed to “just happen, just be”. Talking can definitely put a massive damper on intimacy and quality closeness … there’s a time and there’s a place.

Talking brings things to the surface and puts a massive dampener on mood. The focus is shone onto “issues”, whereas, getting past all that and being in the moment, tends to have a better outcome all round. You sound like a lovely, caring guy, who wants quality time together, regularly. That’s great! The problem here is that life = stress and there’s no planning around a woman’s stress levels and moods …or a man’s.

Best you can do is be loving, caring and be there when you’re needed. I hope she will be the same for you, as best she can.

Well it's also that she keeps constantly changing her mind on what she wants to do when we made plans, and she keeps changing it to something where sex is just not going to happen.

However, today, she tried to do it again, but I just ended up putting my foot down and said I am not okay with, and that she agreed to do this with me and therefore I want her to keep the agreement, and do this, etc.

She responded positively to this actually and we ended up having sex, but I'm guessing she will likely not respond positively to that a lot if she keeps wanting to change the plan, and put my foot down, etc?

Women are not meant to be understood; they are meant to be loved.

I am not trying to pry, but I think it might be a good thing for some other people on this forum if you could expand on this a bit. The reason is, it seems many people on WP, TBH women in particular, have similar inhibitions against fully enjoying sex, and if you could talk about how you got past your problem it might help some others.

For some reason almost none of the intimate relationships I have been in have had a big aspect of the need to be in the proper mood in order to enjoy sex. I can think of one exception, which was also the most "NT" person I ever dated.

As to why this is, I can only speculate. One possibility was that for the most part, I became sexually involved with somebody because it was understood from the start that being available for sex was a fundamental basis for the relationship, on a couple of occasions blatantly so. From what I've seen in L&D there is an emphasis on forming relationships on the basis of shared values and interests, etc. but that sex is a scary topic, meaning that if you enter into a relationship you are then expected to have sex with the other person, so it is seen as an obligation rather than a fringe benefit of being in the relationship. Furthermore, there is a huge fear that one's partner is using one for sex, which is a ridiculous notion unless you see having sex as burdensome.

It might have something to do with my personality. I always approached sex in a very matter-of-fact manner, with the expectation that the other person was as horny as I (which experience had taught me to be true). Apparently a great many men feel the need to control their sex partner in some way such that making their partner "give in" to sex is part of their control scheme. With the last person I dated before I met my wife, I can recall that the first time I got her pants off (although I have no real memory of how that came about) I performed oral sex on her, and she actually thanked me for doing it. She was probably desperately horny as her husband had left her just a short time ago (in which case many people would say she had no business going on dates) but when I look back on it, it's possible she feared I would rape her so was grateful for what I had done. Fear or not, this became a relationship I eventually had to get out of, but not because of any problem related to sex.

Or it could be that in the days before I got married, there was simply a more relaxed attitude about sex. A woman could brag about having a lot of partners (as did my first girlfriend the one time I spoke with her after breaking up) without feeling any shame.

Well there are some things I enjoy, but I felt embarrassed about that...so it manifested as me feeling like I just wasn't into sex. But not that I really didn't want to have it, just that when I did it was boring or unsatisfying and just not really doing much for me...so like why go through the hassle if it doesn't do anything. I had some ideas in the back of my mind of what I might be into, but was too embarrassed to say for 5 years of my relationship. And sure growing up I did not really get a very sex positive view...so that on top of feeling embarrassed of things that I was into led to a level of prudeness you'd expect from a super religious Christian girl and not an athiest/satanist like me. But well I just had to let go and tell my boyfriend the things I figured I was into. I know I am being vauge but some of the things may be a little more adult forum friendly..but yeah we needed to err spice things up turns out I prefer a bit of excitement than you know just softly making love like Idk I prefer what might make more sense with a metal song than some just sensual music. Idk I guess I just had to think of 'how do I feel' regardless of all the other crap and I felt like well why shouldn't I make one last ditch effort to enjoy sex I never actually tried the things I thought about with someone else due to the embarrassment I mentioned before. So I did that, it was enjoyable so well now that I found a way to truly enjoy sex I find sometimes it can seem to be a little stress reliving.

But different people are different, so I don't want to just go spouting off that any woman who doesn't find sex to relieve stress...must just be supressing them-self just in my case I feel that is a big factor...like I got it lodged in my head that sex was like bad and a not good thing and that stuck for longer than I would have liked it to.

But yeah it is hard to explain I suppose, like in practical terms how I got past the problem...like even I don't fully understand how I got past it. Like I was getting to think maybe I was just asexual or something...idk maybe just the knowledge that me and my boyfriends relationship was suffering some due to my lack of interest in sex caused me to delve a little deeper and figured maybe it wasn't that I don't like sex, maybe I just didn't like the way we were doing it. Or maybe the big turning point was just thinking 'I'm in my 30's now so why not at least try spicing it up before deciding It's no use.'.

Lol I feel that was a little lengthy and did not really give a great answer, but yeah I don't even quite understand it myself. Like idk I was legitimately worried maybe I was asexual and that would make me incompatible with my non-asexual boyfriend so maybe we'd have had to break up which I would have been quite upset about, but of course if it really was the case i would not have expected him to stay with someone who wouldn't want to have sex. So I think that is what inspired me to think more on it...but yeah if I was really asexual I don't think 'but I want this to work' would have been enough to have caused the change...so that is why I feel I just had negative thoughts about sex in my head that were making me kind of suppress my sexual feelings and urges and even preventing me like getting into and enjoying sex when I did have it. But I feel I probably am not the only person who has gotten like negative messages about sex and that is why they struggled with or currently struggle with enjoying it, rather than like asexual people who are just wired in such a way they don't really have so much of that sexual aspect.

Do you think I should bring it up and tell her that she is just not sexually passionate or naughty enough to what I need,, and that she is too demure?

Well Idk you have said she can be, so maybe it would be better to just kind of like really be honest that is what you like. because from your posts like I don't know how much you are communicating with her specifically. But well idk how to approach it like idk have you really expressed what you need to her, or are you expecting her to just know? LIke if you feel you have clearly expressed everything and she just isn't into it that is one thing but like if you haven't even totally clearly communicated what it is you are after seems like breaking up now would just be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.