The only women my age I would be interested in

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I don't think my number 1 problem in dating is Asperger. It used to be, for sure. But now it has been relegated to number 2. My number 1 problem is my age.

If only I was 20 year old, I would have approached Asperger completely differently than how I actually did. The mistake that I made 20 years ago is that I was complaining how its not fair. Instead of doing it, I should have simply learned the social rules. Just like when I study for an exam, I am not that concerned whether or not it is "fair". I just study because I got to pass that test. It was the biggest mistake ever that I didn't do it socially.

However, right now it is too late to do it. Because right now I am 41. And even if I learn all the social rules I should have learned, I still missed out the best years of my life. That's why I am still complaining how everything is unfair, despite realizing that it was my biggest mistake. Because -- unlike before -- I can no longer "do" anything about it. So I feel forced to be stuck in my rut and complain.

You see, if I were to have better attitude back when I was 20, I would have dated my fellow 20 year old. Then we would have aged together. Right now we would both be around 40. But that would be fine. I already know what its like to be with a 20 year old. So now I would be more than happy to be with a 40 year old. Besides, I wouldn't really see her as a 40 year old any more than I see myself that way. Since I got to know her back when she was 20, that would be the age I would be associating with her. But, unfortunately, I missed that opportunity. So my only option seems to be to get to know my fellow 40 year olds for the first time. And then, yes, I think of them as 40 year olds. So I feel like I missed the best years of my life.

And this brings me to the title of this post. The only 40 year olds I would happily date are the ones whom I used to know back in the day. For example, I met one of them in church a few years ago (well I don't think she is 40; probably more like 35, but still). Unfortunately she is married. But I would have happily been with her if that wasn't the case. I don't know how many other women from the past I can meet though, especially since I was always very isolated and didn't remember names and faces. But I really hope I could do that. This would be my only option "outside" of hoping for a younger woman to like me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will only be interested in 20 year olds outside that group. Not at all: in fact 20 is way too young for me. I do however, say that I prefer someone in the age group between 26 and 35 or something like that. In this case I won't have to know them from the past, that age group is ideal for me. The only problem is that women in that age group wouldn't like me. But if I were to be with someone who is 40, then it better be someone whom I know from the past. Thats what I am trying to say.

If you have your life together like a decent job & having your own place(IDK if you do or not of corse but if you do), you might be able to get a woman a bit younger than you who's down on her luck with life. I seen that work for a disabled guy on a forum we both used. The woman posted on that forum as well & they both seemed very happy after they got together. I knew some other various people who've had decent relationships like that, some were the guys who struggled with getting relationships & others were the women who struggled with life stuff. That woulda been my angle to get a relationship if I had my own place.

I don't. I am still a student and been student my whole life. I finished my first ph.d. (in physics) when I was 29. Then I did 3 postdocs. And now I am doing second ph.d. in math.

The thing is that I don't want a career other than theoretical physics, which has been my goal since I was 9. Since theoretical physics is very competitive, I couldn't make it into professorhood yet. The competition is based on publications and my work doesn't get published because it is unconventional. So I decided to go back to school that way I would get paid for teaching (as most graduate students teach) and won't need another job. But the graduate student salary is quite small. It is only enough for me to eat basically. So I don't have a house and live in a dorm.

Thats the other reason I wish to go back in time. If I was 20, then my current academic progress would be deemed impressive. But at 41 it really isn't. I used to be far ahead of others. So it is really depressing to face the situation when its the opposite.

Side note: Even if I was better off financially, a woman "using" me for my finances won't be love, so that would destroy the point of the whole thing. I know a lot of you would say "if you are going to use her for sex she might as well use you for money, its only fair". But -- contrary to the stereotype -- I am not after sex. As a matter of fact, as a Christian, I don't believe in sex before marriage. Yes, after marriage I would want sex (since I want kids) just not before marriage. But the point is that sex is not what I am after. I am after a genuine emotional connection. Why do I want her to be younger then? Well, it *emotionally* feels different. So since I am after genuine emotional connection rather than sex, thats why I am saying its not something that can be "bought" by being rich or what not.

Last edited by QFT on 18 Nov 2021, 8:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes the pool would be shrinking. That's a fair point.

Keep working on it. Once you become a professor women of all ages will view you as having your life together and as stable. Not just financially stable but stable in other ways.

I don't really think of that as the woman using the guy. I'm sorta on the asexuality spectrum & having sex is not very important to me but I still woulda tried that approach to finding a woman if I had my own place when I was single or if I had the money & resources to go the mail-order bride route. I was NOT considered attractive quality relationship material due to being disabled Guys are generally expected to be the top financial provider within romantic relationships & the women do more of the housework. It's not usually about using each other but rather each bringing something to the table & having something about them that a potential partner would find attractive. It can start as a symbiotic relationship that evolves & turns into genuine love.

I understand you. It's almost the same for me - people my age having very different interests, goals in life, everything, they even not look attractive most of the time. I have no idea how other people doing that, most likely you need to start dating someone in your 20-th so you grow old together and get used to each other. Now it's too late, and i am a teenager locked in body of a 32-year man, too old physically for younger girls and too immature for older. We missed our chance in life.

I have encountered many women in their 40's who are really pretty and romantic.

Financial stability of professors is a misnomer. There are different levels of professors. The ones most are thinking about are full tenured professors. It takes years as an tenured-track assistant professor position to earn tenure. Then it takes more years to move up the ladder into the full professorship. They can be paid well at the right university. Typically they do have job stability.

Unfortunately many of the universities are going away from tenure-track positions and going toward non-tenure-track positions. Those do not pay as well and have a year to year appointment. There is no real job stability in those positions, as they are dependent upon funding from several sources. My position is this one. I have to apply to keep my job each year. I try to correct people when they assume that I am a full professor after working there six years.

The worst ones to be in is the adjunct professor positions, as they are treated is cannon fodder for teaching. They get the worst courses to teach and are not full time. Most of the adjuncts have to take two or three teaching jobs just to squeak by.

When people find out that I teach at an university, they assume that I must be paid six figures. Unfortunately that is not the case. My tenured boss makes that and more, but I do not. That issue can cause problems as people think you should pay for things for them.

Sadly, I noticed some people assume I am a professor (sadly because I used to look younger than my age and I really wish it was still the case). Well, in any case, apparently this didn't help in terms of them liking me.

I know it is a sidetrack, but it is an important sidetrack. So for tenure track I was told the competition is 1 in 100. But now that you mentioned non-tenure-track, does it have easier competition? If so, would this be a solution to my desire to be in academia?

Let me tell you my preferences. So my passion is definitely research rather than teaching. Sure, I don't mind teaching, as long as its part of the "package deal". I just want for the research to be part of the package. Thats why I am against working in liberal arts colleges that are mostly teaching.

Now, I know someone who is a "research scientist" (or how she sometimes calls herself "perpetual postdoc") so that is a research-based position rather than teaching one. I would happily take that one. But unfortunately she is in biology so she can't advise me much in physics. From your user name I see you are in chemistry, which is still pretty far away. But still: do you happen to have an idea on how it works in physics by any chance?

Obviously I can't share personal information publically, but I can PM you my CV if that would help.

If you re-read what you wrote, you will see that the first two sentences you basically admitted that you are basically wanting to buy off women since they don't like you; yet then in the next two sentences afterwords you said it is a traditional gender roles. So it seems like a rationalization. You know that mail order brides is not about gender roles but about using people. You are just rationalizing to make yourself feel better about the potential choices you might have made.

Also you used the word "attractive". But its hard to envision that women actually find a person "attractive" because they are rich. To me it seems more like they are settling for someone they aren't attracted towards, because of money.

But then again, now that I am thinking of attractiveness, some other thought just crossed my mind. So if a woman won't even talk to a guy (not even as friends) if he wasn't attractive, wouldn't that mean that her liking attractive guy "as a person" is also fake? As in she doesn't care about him "as a person" she only cares about "attractiveness aspect" of him? I guess if I think of it this way, then your advice makes a bit more sense. Basically what you are saying is "if you can't buy her by being attractive, buy her with money instead". As in, substitute one shallow thing for the other.

I guess I don't like either one of those. I wish I could find a genuine love. Maybe I am stuck in a childhood naivette and the real world isn't like that?

Maybe its because you are a lot older than me. I used to think that 30 is not attractive. Now I think it is. So who knows, maybe when I will be 50 I will start finding 40 year olds attractive. Except that I don't even want to think about the time when I will be 50. The whole concept of it feels like a nightmare (and this is NOT just about women, its about career, soon approachind death, etc. etc. etc).

Im in a 'symbiotic' type of relationship you talk about. I dislike money more than it's probably healthy in today's times. He helps me with money. I can't say I love all aspects of it, the symbiotic needy side of it disgusts me and sometimes I feel guilt for him as an autistic engineer working so hard as it's not easy for him either, only to share his finances with me. I wish the situation was different and even opposite. He did have frustration towards me sometimes because of it. I did wish he would only stick to the relationship side and for a long time i kept making excuses and not letting him help. I was worried about myself and our relationship, working together so soon on such issues was certainly not easy and we weren't issue free either way. I have eventually allowed his help, it has improved my life how much he's done to help me not only financially, we learned things only functioning mature people do.
Sometimes though I do wish i was more. I don't want to take any of our chances for success and modify them in any way. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough or ready for anything in life. Sometimes he has not understood. I want to be that strong person. I want to look good to his family and the state, I have so many things I don't have figured out and I can't explain without people thinking im crazy or good for nothing or not serious.
I have a desire for simply sharing our love. But I do think as a whole it has also helped our relationship, i don't have to cry so much and tell him about the things that are missing. Sometimes I was scared to because always hed give me more and more tasks to do and use his money to fix everything, it was overwhelming and sometimes he would get upset that he provided but i wasn't able to do it as fast as he wanted and keep getting new tasks to get done. Fixing a lifetime of unfixes is so heavy especially for someone like me who finds it hard giving calls and even getting out of the apt and doing many new things. Sometimes when things weren't so well i would have wished he was poor and would have just not bother with my issues but just be giving me his love. I was tempted to compare money to love. But he is a very loving man too, if we don't argue, I can't say it has been consistently or a problem. It was always worked out hes very sensible when we get better and wants to give me his love. Oftentimes even throughout.

He has helped me in ways money cannot; with my issues with mom who is the main issue with how things have become in the apartment.

From life I only want freedom, the sadness of the situation is that life requires money. And that bosses stress people out and make them fear.

In my country it's the norm, very low salaries for people who study way above average, most of them have doctorates if not all. Some are brilliant people but they have a hard life, they have to take exams regularly to stay in position. They have to endure kids behaviors and be stern all the time. I would not think a husband on the verge of sanity getting home feeling useless because they don't pay him enough, needing to study and correct tests from kids and exposed to disease like the army and schools tend to have outbreaks, is a great experience. He also can never stay overtime to at least say, im getting a full-time payment. Im not sure, do they even get health insurance?

The upside is that it's not as bad as the army. Eventually he gets home every day. And then the weekends maybe make up for the craziness, help settle down.

Last edited by Rexi on 19 Nov 2021, 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Me and my boyfriend have genuine love but also if we broke up we'd both have to move back in with our families...and that is worse than any conflicts we've had. I would not say we are just using each other to afford an apartment, though it is true in our case one without the other= no apartment for either of us. Basically symbiosis and genuine love can coexist, doesn't have to be just one or the other.