This is as much as rant to get it off my chest as it is me asking for advice. I apologize in advance for being long-winded.
To start, I am pretty damn sure I have both Asperger’s and alexithymia. I’ve never “officially” been diagnosed, but the typical characteristics for them fit me to a T. I sort of “figured it out” after researching it on a whim after a friend of mine in college said he thought I may be on the autistic spectrum. I struggle to identify my emotions, particularly attraction/love and I am completely oblivious to the way others feel towards me unless they make it totally explicit. I’ve never been able to tell if someone “likes me”- the only way I know I’ve had admirers is because other people have told me that so-and-so likes me- and this has happened five times already!
My story revolves around a certain girl who rode the same bus as me when I was a sophomore in high school. I went to an all-male catholic school; she went to the nearby all-female sister school. The first time I laid eyes upon her, I was smitten. (cliché as it is, it’s true!) I thought she was so cute she most certainly had to be out of my league. In all likelihood, I probably never would have never had the courage to talk to her, but by sheer chance, one of the other guys I was talking with roped her into our discussion and I wound up in conversation with her. I really enjoyed talking to her and we also had similar interests in science fiction, supernatural and mythological tales, chemistry, and such. I think that conversation was the tipping point for me realizing that I really liked her- so much so I had the nagging thought “Am I in love with her?”, but I couldn’t really conceptualize when or whether my crush constituted “love”. There was also the fact that I couldn’t help but think it was possible that she liked me too. (Looking back on it now, I’m pretty certain that she did. Certain things I distinctly remember her saying/doing seem to align with what I’ve read are typical signs of interest. I was just too blind too realize it then). In particular, there was one day when nobody else was on the bus with us, and she unexpectedly moved into the seat with me to engage in a pretty deep conversation. Though I realize it was mostly her asking me questions. She asked me “if you found yourself in a world where everyone’s was the opposite sex as in the real world, what would it be like to meet yourself?”, what my thoughts were on homosexuality as a phenomenon, and a bit about where I stood religiously, amongst a few others. She also told me her middle name, her favorite plants, and her favorite TV series.
Now a couple years prior to meeting this girl, I had a dream which I remembered with great clarity in the morning and had the thought “This would make for an interesting book”. So when I found out that this girl was an avid reader, I thought I could impress her and show her how I felt by writing a book myself- for which I already had a perfect plot already (mostly) thought out. And so I did exactly that. (I know some guys who would write a song or a poem for their crush, but no, I had to go and write a 300-freaking-page novel for mine.) I spent every moment of my study hall periods and bus rides back from school (When not talking with her) writing the manuscript in the unused space in my student planner. My ultimate plan was to complete the book and give a copy of it to her, at which point I could confess my feelings. Unfortunately, I was not able to completely finish the book before I graduated, and in the end, I couldn’t muster the courage to tell her how I felt before the last day of school. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask her for her surname.
Regardless, I resolved to finish the book and confess to her just like I had planned. I knew where her house was from the bus route we took, and my best friend happened to be friends with her cousin, so I figured it would not be unreasonable to be able to arrange a way I could meet her. I finished the book, and I couldn’t muster the courage to tell her. I obtained a copyright on it and got cover art commissioned for it, and couldn’t muster the courage to tell her. I published the book through Amazon, got copies up in the local bookstore, and still couldn’t muster the courage to tell her. It pains me that I missed these chances. As much as I crave intimacy, laying my true feelings out bare is utterly terrifying.
It’s now been almost 7 years since I started this endeavor. I have no idea if she still lives in the area, if she’s single/taken/married, if she has survived the pandemic, or if she even remembers me, but my feelings for her remain unchanged. The memories I have of her are still as fresh in my mind as though I saw her yesterday. She’s still the only girl I really think about romantically. I’ve played through thousands of scenarios where I ask her out, or am already together with her in my mind. Seeing certain features or personality traits in other people or fictitious characters instantly invoke thoughts of her for me. She never leaves my mind, and I doubt I could ever forget her. I think that now, understanding more about Asperger’s and alexithymia makes it clear to me why I could never bring myself to ask her out- I was too blind to see the way she felt about me and unsure how to come to terms with my own feelings for her that I choked and ran away. Knowing that’s the way I am now makes it all a less scary, I suppose?
At this point, I’m torn because as much as I want to tell her, I’m losing faith that doing so is still within the realm of possibility. The merciless progression of time is the bane of my hesitation. Yet I also feel as though I won’t ever be able to move forward if I don’t confront her again, regardless of the outcome for me. While my perfect scenario would be that she’s pined for me all this time too, I’d be content to know she’s found happiness, even if it’s not with me. As long as I can tell her how influential she’s been to me, I’d be satisfied. Otherwise I know I’ll regret it forever. I already regret that I couldn’t have been more expressive. I regret that I was too timid to compliment her Halloween costume, or to write her a Valentine, or ask her out at all, even if it was just to the homecoming dance or prom.
28 Nov 2021, 3:36 am
