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I am married with ASD to an NT for a long time. Almost all the time whenever she asks me questions from the our past and ask why I did things that hurt her, I lock up and can't answer. Or I stutter, or I do evasive behaviors. I even sometimes lie, to try and appease her - which doesn't work. And understandably she gets upset with me and that just makes me worse.

I go in loops and never give her closure. Some of the time I am either blocking or unable to remember. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Looking for advice or solutions

Why is she dwelling on and asking about the past? Are there things going on at the present time that are bothering her?

Be that as it may:

In an intimate relationship, lying is almost never a good idea, in my opinion.

If she asks why you did X and you honestly don't remember, just tell her you don't remember. If she gets upset by this, just tell her that (1) you will try not to do X again, and (2) if you ever do X again, you would appreciate it very much if she would confront you about it as soon as possible, so you can deal with it then.

To your questions, yes she has very good reasons - namely emotional betrayals and unbelievably sh***y behavior brought on by the cult-like family I was raised in. I didn’t come to terms with my parents and siblings being so toxic until recently even though my partner pointed this out to me for YEARS. Trust me, the stuff I did no other woman would put up with.

Yes, present time what bothers her the most is the behavior I described.

Lying is of course terrible and I did it - I just want to be honest in reporting it. It’s seems atypical for Aspies.

My daughter does this. How do you want people to make you more open.

I do exactly what you describe as well...shut down and can't answer. We're working on this in counselling but not getting anywhere yet.

I don't know if this helps, but I think I would shut down in this situation for a couple reasons. 1) Maybe to avoid eye contact/the stress of interaction. 2) If someone asks me something I find illogical, I would go blank, and be unable to respond. Fo example, if they ask why I hurt them, and hurting them was not my intention, I might find it hard to answer. This is because I feel I'm admitting to something (the intention to hurt) which isn't true. It would be easier to answer with, "It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I'm sorry that my behavior did."

That’s a really helpful response. That’s what happens to me - going blank - sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me why the present-day me would say or do it since it’s so anathema or illogical. Sometimes I can explain why but that’s not usual.

When I go blank and can’t talk my partner calls it out as abusive and then I am thinking “I didn’t mean my response to be abusive” and whatever the first point is remains unresolved and I do something else - stutter, partial sentence, nod my head - and round and round we go.

And sometimes if I agree that I that I intended to hurt, I am either a monster or the feelings I had - anger at my family of origin/taking it out on my partner are hard to remember or describe or both. And then I am combatting shame and guilt and I “play the victim” by being hurt for being the one to cause hurt. But a big part of that is the incomprehensible view of my past intentions.

Is she open to the idea of couples counseling? Have you tried to find a couples counselor who is knowledgeable about adult autism?

We have tried therapists with no knowledge of autism and the results have been terrifying. We don’t need couple counseling - I need to stop the behavior.

I don't want to stereotype, but I think couple's counseling can be a mine field for men. I know when I did it (this was pre-marriage counseling, actually) I got blamed for everything. She was blameless no matter what. I've heard that's a common problem in couple's counseling. And finding someone who does understand autism is probably very difficult.

Good luck to you, MarriedAspie. It's so hard to get others to understand our experience, or at least see our good intentions. So much of what makes us feel good makes NTs feel bad, and vice versa. It's very difficult to reconcile that.

When I was younger I used to be really black and white about things. I couldn't understand why people had an issue with me just calling a spade a spade. I was hurtful without realising.

If anyone asked me why I hurt them my truthfully response would be, I'm sorry I behaved like that. I didn't understand the consequences of my actions at the time or how it would make others feel. Now I've learned more and now I have a better understanding I feel really bad about what I said or did and I won't do it again. I'll try and think about your perspective before I do or say something.

Could you please elaborate on this sentence?

Sure. Maybe the most obvious example is eye contact. They like it and use it to connect. It makes us feel invaded, and at least for me causes physical pain. I think vocal inflections and facial expressions are similar. Also, they like to touch and feel connected and loved this way. For us it is painful and drives us away.

I think it's a little easier for us to understand what they like, even though it's not our experience, because we see it all around us. It's harder for them to understand us because our experience is less common, and not theirs. For example, they seem to have difficulty accepting that there is a whole type of person made to dislike eye contact. They see this as disorder or flaw, because eye contact gives them pleasure. Consequently, a lot of their therapies are designed to make them feel good, while we ignore what we're made for. So we force ourselves to make contact, which makes an NT feel good, and like they can "read" us. Even though that's not really us, it's us acting like them.

Thanks for your reply - curious if there are other examples besides eye contact