help avoiding breakup

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Hi,

I have been in relationship for several years with a very sociable and outgoing girl, basically the opposite of me.
Now she tells me she is unhappy and needs a break from the relationship.
The problems are about what you would imagine them to be: I make no smalltalk and talk too little in general, I show her no affection, she does not feel loved, etc.
For after the break she told me to think about the following questions:

What do i really like about her? What would be better/worse without her? what do i find annoying about her? what can i do concretely to improve things? what is most challenging for me in the relationship? can we find a way of communication that works for both?

She has told me before what she is unhappy about, and I honestly made an effort to improve, but it's difficult.

Anyway, I am looking for help with answering the questions above appropriately. Even though I do love her i cannot think about a concrete answer to the first question, for example. And I am sure there are plenty of things that would be worse without her, but I cant name any concretely. Etc.

Please help with finding good answers, thanks!

In My Opinion: She is either trying to manipulate you into becoming a “better” boyfriend, or she has found another boyfriend and is trying to provoke you into giving her more valid reasons to blame YOU for the breakup than the petty reasons she has given you so far.

Let her go, man. It is over. You are better off without her.

Why do you think that? The complaints do seem valid to me (and she has voiced them before), question is whether it's realistic I will noticeably change...

Truth be told, I don’t think there’s a way to honestly avoid it.

When someone demands that you undergo a personality change to stay with them that’s a pretty clear sign that it’s time to let go.

Because she does not love the person you are, only the person she'd like you to be.
It won't hold in long run.

50+ years of relationships with women. When someone issues a “My way or the highway” ultimatum, the better option is almost always the highway.

Yep….she seems like one of those who likes to change people.

That is a question only YOU can answer.

Well, that doesnt sound too good...

Could you still give some examples what you like about your girlfriends and what would be worse in your everyday life without them? It would help m a lot.

I think that question is wrong. It asks you to look at the relationship from a benefit standpoint. It's a very cynical point of view, and only a selfish person would actually think like that.

Don't try to answer it, explain why that jind of thinking is bad instead.

I would suggest that, in addition to the questions she asked you to think about, you also think about possible alternative ways to show affection for her.

It sounds like she wants a fundamental change in your personality, which is probably NOT feasible -- and, really, not something she should demand. So the question is whether there is any viable alternative that would satisfy her.

For example, perhaps you could give her massages (or do so more often, if you already do this). I would suggest that make a point of learning to give her good/better massages, both by (1) watching video tutorials and (2) asking her for her feedback on what does and does not feel good.

Also, are there any hobbies, games, or other activities that she and you both enjoy? If so, perhaps you could make a point of doing those things together more often?

What drew the two of you together, in the first place? Perhaps the answer to that question might shed some light on possible ways to revive your relationship, as well as help you answer her questions?


Judging by the questions, it looks like she has put serious thought into what it would take to fix your relationship with her. Hopefully this means she actually wants it to be fixed.

I would suggest that you write a draft of your honest answers to these questions. Feel free to post your draft here, or perhaps in the "Members Only" section if you would like more privacy. Perhaps some of us can suggest possible ways to re-word some of your answers.


Most likely the main thing now is just that you've developed a strong emotional attachment to her. But what drew you to her in the first place? And how did the relationship get established?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 08 Mar 2022, 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

I stopped doing homework after I graduated college.

This sounds like an essay assignment, more than something romantic.

It always irritated me to "talk about the relationship" in the midst of the relationship. Occasionally is okay....but when it's done constantly, it really takes the romance out of the whole thing.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 08 Mar 2022, 8:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Agreed that such demands are a very bad sign, but not necessarily the end. I would say that it's better for both of them to try to think outside the box and see if there are any viable alternatives to such demands, before concluding that it's time to break up.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 08 Mar 2022, 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

The process of working out problems in a relationship is often hard work and not "romantic."

A relationship counselor would likely assign similar "homework" to both people.

I feel that a lot of people in this thread are way too quick to advise breaking up.

I feel that the two of them should try to work things out if possible. Of course it might turn out not to be possible. But they should try it and see, in my opinion.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 08 Mar 2022, 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

I feel like this is possible in some cases. It might be possible in this case.

I happen to be one who doesn't like "breakups," who doesn't like other people breaking up. I am even one of those who believes that "high school sweethearts" and that ilk tend to have the most solid relationships.

It would be interesting to see if the guy poses the same questions to the woman who is posing those questions to him--I wonder how she would react.

In my experience, people who constantly want to "talk about the relationship" are those who seek to control me in some fashion. Usually, when I initiate "talking about the relationship," it doesn't thrill my partner. She feels like I'm trying to control her.

It could be a genuine desire to "work on the relationship"----or it could be a means of control. If it's a genuine desire, and both parties cooperate, it will inevitably induce growth in both partners.

Obviously, I am not there----so I can't really determine what is going on.

Like I said, I don't mind it once in a while. But when it's constant, then it gets pretty draining. It takes the fun out of things.

Is this person readily available to talk or to text?